Thinking of separating but still living together because of children - can this work?

[isitover]

I've decided my marriage can't go on...fundamentally we despise each other and have very little in common.

But neither of us want to risk screwing up our teenage children by divorcing now.

I've taken legal advice and it is possible to separate while still living together. We would then divorce when they are grown up. Apparently we can separate without taking any legal steps - to gain a divorce, it would be enough to prove we had slept apart, had separate finances etc.

We haven't slept together for ages, so it won't make much difference there!

Does anyone have any experience of this? Can it work out in practice?

I actually think the children would find the atmosphere calmer if we can make a grown-up decision about it - we're either not talking to each other or constantly bickering.

I had a weekend break with just the children recently, and the three of us realised how much calmer and happier we were without him around.

Many thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[needashouldertocryon]

isitover ... you could be me... even down to no one else being involved, and feeling like there never will be... my DD has aspergers tendencies so I do worry how thing will affect her...

I have just started a thread where I have told hubby its over... I love him but am not 'in love' with him...

we have so far agreed to stay as we are.. we get on really well, but not sexually.. he now understands why I am always refusing sex.. I am not putting him under any pressure to leave....

Will continue to read this thread with interest...

[isitover]

Thanks for all your thoughts...mindingmum, you have given me an answer I was looking for, that it's possible, but not easy.

I'm not into guilt trips for the kids...my own mother used to do that and I realise how unhealthy it would be to ever tell them we'd stayed for their sakes, if that's what we do.

I don't think any of the scenarios is ideal...but I will be thinking hard about what to do for the best.

I am very down at the moment (PMT doesn't help) and will take some time to mull everything over.

Marriage counselling is one option, although at the moment I think that would paper over cracks rather than provide a real solution.

[Archford]

Just wondering all these years on; what happened in the end?!

[Clodagh1]

Hello
I know this is an old thread but it's been interesting to read and was just hoping to find some help and views for my similar situation which is currently unfolding...
My partner and I have been together for some 11 years and have one dd...
We've always had a tricky time with our relationship in terms of arguments that blew up and weren't dealt with very well. I've always been a bit more pragmatic about the ups and downs of romantic relationships but he has found our tough times too tough. We've been effectively living together as co-parents for a couple of years now although interspersed with short times of being romantic again from time to time. He's been sleeping in a separate room for almost 4 months now and in previous times he's talked about wanting to move out. More recently he's been saying that he feels a lot happier with our current co-habiting relationship, he doesn't really want to not live with our dd and is happy for us to do things together like see friends, holiday, shared interests, he likes hanging out with me, enjoys my company but he does not want a romantic relationship with me. He says he feels safer like this and is not just a bit happier but a lot happier! So he's kind of put the ball in my court, say he understands if I don't feel that it's possible to live like that and is open to moving out if necessary.
I don't know what to do. I feel weak and frustrated and heart broken. He knows I do not want this for any of us and that I'd do anything to save us but he is done...and I have to accept that. Can we live together and continue to do things together and as a family and I somehow manage to remove all hope of us having anything more than that? Is it best for our dd? We both have a wonderful relationship with her and I know she would be devastated to live apart from her father. I'm just not sure if I'm still looking at this from a hope perspective and that's why I could consider it. I know I completely hate the thought of going through a separation process and the crappy split time arrangements for our dd etc...
I don't know it's all very raw right now, I've obviously been in denial for a while and our most recent conversation last night has left me in no doubt of his feelings and what he wants.
Thanks for reading.

[jollyjapes]

Oh Clodagh I think that's what's called having one's cake and eating it.

Sure who wouldn't like to pick and choose the bits of their life they found enjoyable and refuse to participate.

I think you know the answer, its no way to live for you and not an example to your daughter of how to live a fulfilling life.

If I were you I would take a huge deep breath and when you're ready accept the heartbreak and start to work on a new future.

[Twinkie1]

Just talk to your children. They are old enough to understand.


A friend at schools parents lived together without love, just parenting together, and he is s v v needy adult always questioning things and seeking reassurance. It didn't teach him particularly well what to look for and how to act in a normal loving relationship.

At 16 and 13 they are old enough to understand that some relationships don't work out and should be mature enough emotionally with your support to work through you separating.

[Wallywobbles]

My sister is in her mid 50s. Often despises her husband. Kids left home nearly a decade ago and she still stays because "the children would never forgive her" if she left him.

In reality he'd find another wife v quickly. He is kind, sociable, easy going, well house trained.

My point is that the kids issue may never go away even when they have their own. Sort it out now and you'll have a better chance of finding a happy life with a new partner at some point. My best advice is sort this shit out before looking though.

[mrssapphirebright]

I think what screws children up the most is when they have parents who despise each other and clearly show that, whether or not they live together or are married / divorced etc I don't think bares much of a difference.

If you hate each other then things won't be that much easier if you are technically seperated. And as PP have said, either of you meeting a new partner would just add a complication to the mix.

If you seperate / divorce amicably and co-parent well, there is nothing to suggest your children will be screwed up.

Me and my exdh lived together as a seperated couple for nearly 2 years. It was an amicable split and was what we thought was best for the dc and our finances. It worked well for exdh and I, but I do think it was confusing for our dc, but they were younger than yours at the time.

When I met someone else and we inevitably divorced and moved apart I was surprised at how well the dc were. But then we were mostly amicable and co-parent well.

[ImperialBlether]

Arrgh I wish people wouldn't re-start very old threads. This thread is eight years old!

[PizzaPlease]

We weren't married, but my ex and I did this for a year because neither of us could afford to move out apparently (he could, just wouldn't!). He just moved out and it made me realise that I put myself and my daughter, and even him too, under a lot of unnecessary stress by letting that happen because in that time we just didn't get along. While it felt like the best thing at the time it was a long, miserable year for everyone. Were settling into a much happier routine now.

[Laylajaney]

I'm separating from my husband but we are still living together . We are both retired - so we are elderly . He had an affair which I discovered. I was devastated after such along marriage and felt the only thing to do for my own sanity was to get a judicial separation .We have so much here in the area where we live ,family and friends etc -its difficult to move !
I think if I was younger I would though!

[JMO1HCS]

I'm struggling with copping with the fact tjat my husband is cheating, i went through his massages and confirm my suspicions, he has a serious relationship with a woman in africa that he also support financially, i feel betrayed and confused as this has been going on for long and i new nothing about it i just hated him so much but pretending to be ok because of the kids. I dont know what to do