Thinking of separating but still living together because of children - can this work?

[isitover]

I've decided my marriage can't go on...fundamentally we despise each other and have very little in common.

But neither of us want to risk screwing up our teenage children by divorcing now.

I've taken legal advice and it is possible to separate while still living together. We would then divorce when they are grown up. Apparently we can separate without taking any legal steps - to gain a divorce, it would be enough to prove we had slept apart, had separate finances etc.

We haven't slept together for ages, so it won't make much difference there!

Does anyone have any experience of this? Can it work out in practice?

I actually think the children would find the atmosphere calmer if we can make a grown-up decision about it - we're either not talking to each other or constantly bickering.

I had a weekend break with just the children recently, and the three of us realised how much calmer and happier we were without him around.

Many thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[JMO1HCS]

I'm struggling with copping with the fact tjat my husband is cheating, i went through his massages and confirm my suspicions, he has a serious relationship with a woman in africa that he also support financially, i feel betrayed and confused as this has been going on for long and i new nothing about it i just hated him so much but pretending to be ok because of the kids. I dont know what to do

[Laylajaney]

I'm separating from my husband but we are still living together . We are both retired - so we are elderly . He had an affair which I discovered. I was devastated after such along marriage and felt the only thing to do for my own sanity was to get a judicial separation .We have so much here in the area where we live ,family and friends etc -its difficult to move !
I think if I was younger I would though!

[PizzaPlease]

We weren't married, but my ex and I did this for a year because neither of us could afford to move out apparently (he could, just wouldn't!). He just moved out and it made me realise that I put myself and my daughter, and even him too, under a lot of unnecessary stress by letting that happen because in that time we just didn't get along. While it felt like the best thing at the time it was a long, miserable year for everyone. Were settling into a much happier routine now.

[ImperialBlether]

Arrgh I wish people wouldn't re-start very old threads. This thread is eight years old!

[mrssapphirebright]

I think what screws children up the most is when they have parents who despise each other and clearly show that, whether or not they live together or are married / divorced etc I don't think bares much of a difference.

If you hate each other then things won't be that much easier if you are technically seperated. And as PP have said, either of you meeting a new partner would just add a complication to the mix.

If you seperate / divorce amicably and co-parent well, there is nothing to suggest your children will be screwed up.

Me and my exdh lived together as a seperated couple for nearly 2 years. It was an amicable split and was what we thought was best for the dc and our finances. It worked well for exdh and I, but I do think it was confusing for our dc, but they were younger than yours at the time.

When I met someone else and we inevitably divorced and moved apart I was surprised at how well the dc were. But then we were mostly amicable and co-parent well.

[Wallywobbles]

My sister is in her mid 50s. Often despises her husband. Kids left home nearly a decade ago and she still stays because "the children would never forgive her" if she left him.

In reality he'd find another wife v quickly. He is kind, sociable, easy going, well house trained.

My point is that the kids issue may never go away even when they have their own. Sort it out now and you'll have a better chance of finding a happy life with a new partner at some point. My best advice is sort this shit out before looking though.

[Twinkie1]

Just talk to your children. They are old enough to understand.


A friend at schools parents lived together without love, just parenting together, and he is s v v needy adult always questioning things and seeking reassurance. It didn't teach him particularly well what to look for and how to act in a normal loving relationship.

At 16 and 13 they are old enough to understand that some relationships don't work out and should be mature enough emotionally with your support to work through you separating.

[jollyjapes]

Oh Clodagh I think that's what's called having one's cake and eating it.

Sure who wouldn't like to pick and choose the bits of their life they found enjoyable and refuse to participate.

I think you know the answer, its no way to live for you and not an example to your daughter of how to live a fulfilling life.

If I were you I would take a huge deep breath and when you're ready accept the heartbreak and start to work on a new future.

[Clodagh1]

Hello
I know this is an old thread but it's been interesting to read and was just hoping to find some help and views for my similar situation which is currently unfolding...
My partner and I have been together for some 11 years and have one dd...
We've always had a tricky time with our relationship in terms of arguments that blew up and weren't dealt with very well. I've always been a bit more pragmatic about the ups and downs of romantic relationships but he has found our tough times too tough. We've been effectively living together as co-parents for a couple of years now although interspersed with short times of being romantic again from time to time. He's been sleeping in a separate room for almost 4 months now and in previous times he's talked about wanting to move out. More recently he's been saying that he feels a lot happier with our current co-habiting relationship, he doesn't really want to not live with our dd and is happy for us to do things together like see friends, holiday, shared interests, he likes hanging out with me, enjoys my company but he does not want a romantic relationship with me. He says he feels safer like this and is not just a bit happier but a lot happier! So he's kind of put the ball in my court, say he understands if I don't feel that it's possible to live like that and is open to moving out if necessary.
I don't know what to do. I feel weak and frustrated and heart broken. He knows I do not want this for any of us and that I'd do anything to save us but he is done...and I have to accept that. Can we live together and continue to do things together and as a family and I somehow manage to remove all hope of us having anything more than that? Is it best for our dd? We both have a wonderful relationship with her and I know she would be devastated to live apart from her father. I'm just not sure if I'm still looking at this from a hope perspective and that's why I could consider it. I know I completely hate the thought of going through a separation process and the crappy split time arrangements for our dd etc...
I don't know it's all very raw right now, I've obviously been in denial for a while and our most recent conversation last night has left me in no doubt of his feelings and what he wants.
Thanks for reading.

[Archford]

Just wondering all these years on; what happened in the end?!

[isitover]

Thanks for all your thoughts...mindingmum, you have given me an answer I was looking for, that it's possible, but not easy.

I'm not into guilt trips for the kids...my own mother used to do that and I realise how unhealthy it would be to ever tell them we'd stayed for their sakes, if that's what we do.

I don't think any of the scenarios is ideal...but I will be thinking hard about what to do for the best.

I am very down at the moment (PMT doesn't help) and will take some time to mull everything over.

Marriage counselling is one option, although at the moment I think that would paper over cracks rather than provide a real solution.

[needashouldertocryon]

isitover ... you could be me... even down to no one else being involved, and feeling like there never will be... my DD has aspergers tendencies so I do worry how thing will affect her...

I have just started a thread where I have told hubby its over... I love him but am not 'in love' with him...

we have so far agreed to stay as we are.. we get on really well, but not sexually.. he now understands why I am always refusing sex.. I am not putting him under any pressure to leave....

Will continue to read this thread with interest...

[jenk1]

my mum and dad stayed together for us when we were kids,we were regularly told by our mum that "i put up with him for YOUR sakes" and even now she will try and say it,that last time i said well you shouldnt have botherd because all of us have been affected and i didnt actually know what a normal loving relationship was.

my first marriage ended,i thought we should be at each others throats and arguing, i thought he was "weird" because he took an interest in me and loving and attentive,i thought i wasnt worthy of that.

my 2nd marriage has just ended,i thought he should be in control and me be the submissive stay at home little wife, ive had the mick took out of me big time for it from him,porn,dating sites,and other women, ive put up with it for years,if i knew what a normal loving relationship was i wouldnt.

NOW I DO having been through years of counselling i realise what a relationship is and what sort of thing you should put up with and im not passing on to my children what was passed on to me.

if you can live together as friends and there is no animosity i can understand,but if you despise him the children will pick up on that and think that is normal.

[hopefully]

I know someone has said this, but my DP's parents tried to do this, and he always says he wishes that they had 'properly' split up and lived seperately. He thinks that among the problems were:

1. he didn't quite know how to explain it to school friends etc, as it was embarrassing to explain that his parents had separated but lived together
   
2. the resentment didn't entirely go away, so there was still bickering
   
3. the entire household was on tenterhooks if there was any danger of a new relationship developing - his mother ended up not even dating anyone until my DP moved out to go to uni
   
4. even though he knew his parents had split up, the fact that they lived together meant that he always hoped they would miraculously sort things out and get back together, so he never really got 'closure' on their breakup until his dad moved out.
   
   All of this despite the fact that DP was a bit older than your youngest - I think it ran from when he was about 15-18 - and I can only imagine a 13 year old finding it even harder to get their head around.

[MindingMum]

just wanted to say that we have lived like this for two years and it's suits us both fine. I am not saying it is easy but it's definately easier than rowing all the time.

My Dh wouldn't move out of the family home when things started to go wrong for us and I would have happily gone but we have 5 DC's and my work is home based so it was extremely impractical for us to leave. We also would not be able to afford two homes if our house was sold.

I think the reason it works for us is because we don't despise each other and do work well as a team. He is a good Dad, meaning I get breaks from the children - he recently returned from taking them on a cruise. A couple of weeks earlier, I took them camping.

I still do his laundry and plate up for him if I cook as I don't mind doing so and he will often take care of practicalities for me eg my car insurance etc.

I don't know how this would work if either of us met someone new but for now it is a good short term solution for us.

I understand about your children OP but your children could reach their twenties and still make you feel guilty about leaving their Dad. A lot of people have told you that you would be better apart but that is a decision only you can make.

HTH

[isitover]

Ok, suppose we do move on and divorce.

How did those of you who've had experience of this, either as a child yourself, or as a divorced/separated adult cope with the children's needs and feelings?

That's my biggest concern as I know they'll be devastated - possibly it's harder as they are older too.

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

I suppose if it despise each other it's do0able although not ideal. Would be hell if one of you still have feelings of love for the other but had to live with the fact that the other one didn't.

[magentadreamer]

My Ex's parents stayed together for his sake and divorced when he was 18. His parents had seperate lives etc. My Ex wishes they'd split up, then perhaps he could have had a balanced relationship with both his parents. He realised from 14 onwards that they were only together for his sakes and it was a hellva lot of pressure on him all he wanted was for his parents to be happy.

You have to make your own decisions but i personally wouldn't want to live with someone just for the sake of the children. That might be selfish of me but I think my DD has a good relatonship with both her parents because she's not living in a household that is only together for her sake.

[isitover]

I've been away from the PC, so couldn't answer all your questions straight away...here goes..

Missingtheaction - actually, yes, I could imagine him as a flatmate. Thinking back, my statement that we despise each other is probably too strong - sometimes we do, but mostly it's just we irritate each other and have lost respect. He's actually very kind at times just not to me very often. and hasn't been for some time. We do lead very separate lives now.

And I may well be nuts!

My biggest concern about divorce/full separation is the effect on my 16-yr-old who'll be doing GCSEs this year. She has slight special needs and that causes her some physical difficulties.

When we did once discuss divorce, she threatened suicide, so I think you can see why I'm so worried about the effect on her and her sister.

I was hoping we could find an alternative, at least until the children are adults - I am quite prepared to put their needs first for some years.

He does most of the laundry, so his socks in the laundry basket isn't an issue and because we live so separately, the key in the lock doesn't make my heart sink - he's not cruel but neither is he affectionate, and he's always been rubbish in bed.

HW - the caring issue is a really serious one, that I hadn't thought about. But we're still in our 40s and I would hope we would divorced before it became a problem...no guarantees of that of course.

[HappyWoman]

Of course you need to divorce - suppose one of you becomes ill - and say needs caring at home - the state will assume you are married and will not provide a carer.
I say this as my parents pretty much lived together with seperate lives now my father is 'trapped' as a carer full time.

If they had both been mature enough to make the break they would have both been a better position now.

Imagine if you needed looking after - would you really want him to be the one to do it?

[missingtheaction]

when you say 'can't see any advantages in being divorced' don't you want to get away from him? just interested now. wouldn't it be lovely not to hear his key in the lock? smell his socks in the laundry basket?