Trying to love husband again after affair (mine!)

[ML]

Reading through posts about people who have survived affairs, gives me courage to post (though I know some of you will disapprove).

Brief precis: since dd (3) was born, in fact since I was pregnant, relationship with dp has gone steadily off - from my point of view. Nothing DREADFUL but it used to be an equal partnership and now I feel pushed into a "mother/housewife" role (even though I work part time). And when I try to talk about problems, I seem to do it all wrong because he either gets angry or says "he doesn't have any problem with that".

Well, lots of other things too but anyway a year ago I started having an affair with a colleague. Other things being equal I am very confident we would have been a good partnership. In the end he tried to leave his present relationship (no children) - to the extent of renting a flat and moving his stuff out - but just couldn't leave. So I have ended that relationship - last week, in fact - and am facing up to having to rebuild a relationship with dp that he doesn't even seem to realise has gone so badly wrong.

Any suggestions? I'm sure it partly involves me being (a) nicer to him and (b) more honest. My biggest fear is that I'll try and either not be able to do it or that he'll just be quite happy to take whatever I give without changing at all himself.

[aloha]

Have you tried counselling? eg Relate. If he knew how unhappy you are/were might he go? Otherwise you can go on your own to try to get an insight into your relationship and he might even join you out of sheer nosiness in the end.Good luck, I think you are being very brave.

[Chinchilla]

All moral judgements aside, I think that you were very strong to end it, as it was obviously not going anywhere. I know exactly how you feel about being pushed into the wife/mother role, it is never ending isn't it, even though you love your child? 24/7, and 365 days a year. I am sure that you are not doing anything wrong when you try to talk to him...the anger is a sign that he knows that something is worrying you, but he can't face it. I think that men like to keep the status quo, and think that things not talked about do not exist.

The thing is, it is so easy then to feel taken for granted, and any man paying you attention is nice. I can't judge you for taking that next step, because I am sure that it could happen so easily. Yes, you need to try to be nicer to him. Suggest weekend outings as a family, to get some fun back into your days together. Also, can you get a babysitter and have a romantic night out? I don't suggest honesty to the extent of telling him, because he might not react in the way you would want him to. If you have decided to stay with him and he has not suspected anything, then don't rock the boat.

[ML]

aloha, I wouldn't mind trying relate or similar but he would NEVER go. Really doesn't approve of counselling and I could just imagine him sitting there waiting to pull the counsellor apart for saying something stupid. I did see a lovely counsellor before I got pregnant, tho, more about me than him and maybe I should go back to her again.

chinchilla, thanks for such a lovely supportive message. I think you're right about not telling him, i meant honesty more in the sense of telling him i'm not happy with something before it turns into a big big issue.

Trouble is, right now I don't even want to touch him. I feel really angry and resentful and i'm afraid if i started talking about anything all my stored up resentments would just pour out. That happened once before (back in the summer) and he got really angry with me for mentioning things that had happened months before. Fair enough, I suppose, i shouldn't have stored it all up but sometimes you don't know how angry you are for a while.

Basically I'm still here because he loves our daughter and she loves him (not as much as she loves me because she only sees about a hundredth as much of him!) and also because i think this relationship is/could still be way better than being on your own with a child.

[cowardlyregular]

ML let me just say I fully relate to this problem except my lover did not get as far as moving out and so I ended things (THAT was NOT easy)
This left me with a horrid feeling of resentment towards my husband. I had all the bad feelings that made me have an affair in th first place, plus the feelings I could not express of " I have given up the man (my lover) I love for the greater good of all concerned including you, you miserable fat slob"

AND on top of this a kind of sad feeling my lover could not bite the bullet because I was not an attractive enough proposition for him in the long run/ he was too scared of his total b*tch of a partner to give it all up and face all the repercussions.(did nothing for my sense of self esteem)

All in all I felt like shit.
Sad to report my relatio ship did not survive and he never found out about the affair. #

The other guy DID leave his partner (She left him!) but by thenit was too late.

Hope you gert through this.
Be strong.
Being on your own may not be so bad if your relationship turns out to be not worth salvaging.

[shamed]

I've been in a similar situation, however dp found out. He caught me on the phone to Mr X!! Oops... I ended up having to tell him (not the whole truth though) because when I was faced with reality I realised that I didn't want Mr X and all the pain and suffering a split would cause. I do love dp, but not passionately (LONG GONE!!).

I'd been telling dp for months that I was miserable with him, but he was very dismissive of that. I never wanted to hurt dp, but I craved the intimacy and passion our relationship lacked. Things are much better now, but it still crops up in arguments.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that perhaps you need to let dh know exactly how close he came to losing you and maybe that'll jolt him into action. You don't have to tell him everything, perhaps tell him that nothing physical ever happened, but it could have.

Maybe he'll appreciate you more and realise that you can't take anything in life for granted. He's not a mind reader though and he's not going to try to fix something that he doesn't even know is broken. Then you can start to rebuild your life together.

Good luck!

[aloha]

I think if you are that angry with him, then going back to your counsellor could be a very good idea as you will be able to 'offload' a lot of stuff, get an outsider's input into your situation and be calmer when it comes to dealing with your home life. Again, good luck. I know what you mean about the anger though, three years ago my dh point-blank refused to listen to me over an issue that ended up costing us £70,000 which is now added to our mortgage. Part of me thinks I will never, ever truly forgive him for screwing up our future like this. It still comes up in rows. Maybe I should see your counsellor.

[ML]

It makes such a difference to hear from other people who've been through this!

Unfortunately ending is even harder than I thought. I made it until yesterday (less than a week!) when he wrote me a 12 page letter basically saying how much he loved me, how much he wanted to leave, but how he just couldn't leave his partner with nothing as he's the only good thing in her life. This may sound like just talk, but I do actually believe him.

He also said that he would take anything I coudl give even if it was just a coffee every few weeks. I do actually believe that, too; I just don't believe I have the self discipline to keep it to that. Anyway, we did go for a coffee yesterday, and talked, and he was wonderful, and he IS everything I want and he definitely isn't going to leave his partner even tho he wants to so I am very miserable, very angry, very conflicted.

I thought about trying to tell dp a bit - just enough to make him take working on our relationship seriously - but timing is bad. We have just taken on a big property commitment and i feel quite trapped by that ie i can't risk talking to him and it making things worse not better.

So I just cried myself to sleep instead! And I've caught a cold!

Miserably yours...

[Chinchilla]

One thing - you say that he really wants to leave, but he can't? If he really wanted to he would. He's not stupid I'm sure. This way he has a partner and a mistress - he's having his cake and eating it. Men always say that they are happy to take whatever you'll give, (i.e. a coffee every two weeks) but they are always hoping for more. The letter was probably a sweetener. Let's face it, he won't leave his current partner...be good to yourself and end it. It will hurt, but it is best in the long run. Try really hard with your dh, if you intend to stay with him. If not, leave because you would have done anyway, not for this man.

Sorry, this is not judgemental, just being honest. Men can be very manipulative, and often know which strings to pull. You have a dd to consider, which is the main thing here IMO. I wish you all the best, as I know this must be hard for you.

[Lindy]

MP - just want to echo Chinchilla's comments, men can be very, very manipulative, of course he could leave his DP if he really wanted to. A good friend of mine is in a similar situation (I assume it's not you MP!) - she has given up EVERYTHING for someone else, she has left her DP of over 20 years, her home & her job, she is living off her savings & friends' hospitality while she 'waits' for him to make his decision, he also says 'he can't leave his wife' (although he'd promised to when she left her DP). This has been going on for over a year and I cannot see it having a happy ending. Don't let yourself get into this situation, leave it now, with your dignity.

Please don't tell your DP about the affair, obviously, discuss your relationship & how you want to improve things but telling him about the affair will only unburden your guilt but cause him lots of hurt (I speak from personal experience).

Good luck, I know you're in a horrible situation, as is my friend, I know it's not easy.

[jasper]

ML if you are happy to be each others' bit on the side then it could work on some level.

If you are not ( and it sounds like you are not) then end it and let him go on and marry his partner , because I am willing to bet that is what will happen.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have seen it happen time and time again.

[ML]

OK, I'm sure you're all right and that it is what I would say to someone in my situation so I'm just arguing because I don't want to believe it but...

The reason he can't leave (I think) is because he's a very kind, gentle person and when he tried to go (several times) his partner knowing him well pulled all his emotional strings because she (fair enough) really doesn't want to lose him and all the support finanacial/emotional he gives. Even though she knows he love someone else, they never have sex, etc. Because they couldn't have children, he feels particularly bad at wanting to leave for someone who has a child. That's why he tried renting a flat and moving his stuff out first so he could just tell her and go, but that didn't work either.

Does anyone think there is anything I could do that would give him that extra push? No, I don't think so either, the only thing I could think of was to leave first like Lindy's friend and that's WAY too risky - cd just see me sitting along in the flat thinking what an idiot I'd been.

I think I'll believe it's over when he gives up the rented flat (which i still have a key to). Trouble is, I can't quite give up hope yet however stupid that is so even when I think what I should do is not see or contact him at all I'm secretly thinking "and then he'll realise how much he misses me."

[Lindy]

ML (sorry I called you MP before), this is EXACTLY the same situation that my friend is in - her boyfriend's wife also plays the emotional card; in fact he had been very upfront about leaving her even to the point of going on holiday with my friend, he called his wife every couple of days (why??) & after a week she threatened to commit suicide so he went rushing back. They also have no children, no sex (so he says, that may not be true of course?) & she is financially dependent on him - but he could afford to give her a decent settlement & still live comfortably. He too rented another property & went to live in it for a while but eventually went home as it was more 'comfortable'.

What I have tried to point out to my friend is that she should sort her own life out, without relying on either of the men involved, not so easy for you with child/ren I know, but both these men (perhaps they are the same!!) are enjoying having their cake & eating it, so to speak!

[Essie]

I have just read this book which was so helpful. It says that everyone has a love language and more often than not your partner has a different language to you. So if you feel like you are loving and loving in a certain way and getting no feed back, its not that he doesn't love you, but it isn't filling his emotional tank so to speak, and he might be loving you but it not effecting you whatsoever. It says there are 5 different languages. 1)Quality time 2)Gifts 3)Acts of Service 4)Words of Affirmation 5)physical touch
For my dh and I learning that by him loving me he says stuff, but what I crave is him to help out with the dishes or run me a bath after a crappy day with the kids, was kind of helpful, realising that he did/does love me, but loves me in the way he craves to be loved - wants words of affirmation - be told he is my total hero.
Don't know if that helps, but love isn't always a feeling. Its a choice. Sometimes we have to cultivate it with loving them the way they need to feel loved rather than focusing on how we need to be loved and after a while you will notice that they start loving you the way you need it. But blokes are stubborn and think they know it all, but I've found with just getting on and loving regardless of how crap I am being treated, it has totally softened DH!!!! Wierd I know......but the results are fab!!!
anyway
Hope you are OK - thinking about you, it must be horrible for you. xxxx

[bossykate]

what is the name of the book, essie?

[Essie]

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

[ML]

Essie,

thanks for your message. I think this is maybe what I have been trying to work out. Everything I've read about relationships says someone has to go first, do all the loving things and trust you'll get it back. Has anyone else tried this and it worked? I'm kind of afraid of doing all the things he'd appreciate (lots of lie ins, time to himself, cooking nice dinners, etc) and him saying Great! carry on rather than feeling all warm and loving so that he wants to do stuff for me! So it would be good to hear if other people have successfully turned round a relationship this way.

[bossykate]

thanks, essie. dh and i don't seem to be talking the same language atm!

[Lindy]

ML - it is possible to work things around again after an affair but it is very, very hard work. I don't want to repeat everything I have said on a previous thread but I have been 'talking' on the 'is my husband having an affair thread' about my marriage experiences. Good luck, it sounds as though you are trying really, really hard.

[jasper]

ML are you still in love with the guy who won't leave his girlfriend?
If he DID leave at this late stage would you leave your husband to be with him?

If so it will be very hard to make things work with your husband.

Do you still love your husband?

[ML]

Bit of a delay replying - couldn't get on computer last few days but dp now gone away until Wed.

In anwswer to your questions jasper

• yes I still love the guy who won't leave - partly because I do actually believe how torn he is. But I'm mad at him too for getting so far that I thought he would leave (I never expected it for first 6-8 months).
  
  Would I leave if he did - I would want to but whether I could? I've been trying for last week or so to detach myself from him, convince myself it's over (even though I haven't (quite)stopped seeing him). So it wd be a shock to have to turn round yet again.
  
  And do I still love my husband? Well I don't hate him and we have a nice time sometimes. And he really loves our daughter. But I have a lot of stored up resentment that I don't know how to get rid of - and I REALLY don't want to have sex, make excuses all the time and feel really relieved at him being away for 5 days. Doesn't sound so good huh?

[ML]

A wee update - sorry, probably not very interesting to most people but it's better than telling no one. I wrote to the guy I was having an affair with saying the "terms" I thought we should deal with each other at work. Crossed with a letter from him saying he'd hire a car and leave on Friday (today) if I wanted. I panicked a bit: partly cos didn't trust that he would actually leave after the last couple of months but mostly because dh and I are about to sign a big building contract (next week!). So if I had left it would have had to be NOW with no warning, I couldn't even wait to see if the man I'm in love with lasted out the week or whatever. It was too much pressure, especially as I had been talking myself into staying being the best thing etc. Now I'm sitting here kicking myself thinking, that was supposed to be what you wanted and you said no!!!

Feeling like an idiot, totally confused, can't leave, don't want to stay...

[Essie]

Don't have anything helpful to say, but am thinking of you, and send cyber hugs and love x

[Lindy]

ML - sorry things are still difficult for you - but it sounds like the fact that you didn't want to leave immediately maybe means that you want to stay & try & make your marriage work? I don't know .......... but your situation is so like my friend's - her BF told he would DEFINATELY leave at Christmas ........ of course he hasn't, they hardly ever see each other ....... but still she waits. Please decided to do what's right for you - could you go somewhere on your own for a few days to really think things through without pressure from anyone?