Trying to love husband again after affair (mine!)

[ML]

Reading through posts about people who have survived affairs, gives me courage to post (though I know some of you will disapprove).

Brief precis: since dd (3) was born, in fact since I was pregnant, relationship with dp has gone steadily off - from my point of view. Nothing DREADFUL but it used to be an equal partnership and now I feel pushed into a "mother/housewife" role (even though I work part time). And when I try to talk about problems, I seem to do it all wrong because he either gets angry or says "he doesn't have any problem with that".

Well, lots of other things too but anyway a year ago I started having an affair with a colleague. Other things being equal I am very confident we would have been a good partnership. In the end he tried to leave his present relationship (no children) - to the extent of renting a flat and moving his stuff out - but just couldn't leave. So I have ended that relationship - last week, in fact - and am facing up to having to rebuild a relationship with dp that he doesn't even seem to realise has gone so badly wrong.

Any suggestions? I'm sure it partly involves me being (a) nicer to him and (b) more honest. My biggest fear is that I'll try and either not be able to do it or that he'll just be quite happy to take whatever I give without changing at all himself.

ML
Have been meaning to write for ages. Hope you are feeling Ok - what;s happening at the moment?
Anyway, wanted to write to say, are you sure your dh doesn't know you write on Mumsnet. To cut a long story short, my husband was so suspicious of me he went through every chat on the relationship site to see if he could incriminate me. even though I'd written under an alias, he found which one was me, at which point there was no longer any point in denying I'd had an affair. We were on the verge of splitting anyway as he'd caught me talking to this guy on the phone and gave me a going over for my trouble but his Mumsnet discovery finished things off. We are now apart but he will not speak to me, even re; children issues and has arranged things so he never has to even see me. I am loads happier but it came at a price and I sorely wish that I he had not seen the postings as it caused him so much upset. If he hadn't seen it, I may not have got the house I'm in now and left him so quickly. But i would have preferred to spare him the gory details of my affair. And if he reads this he won't even believe I feel the slightest bit remorseful, which I do, in spades. Sorry for the waffle, but even though you think you'll never get found out you never know and you'll probably stand less chance of making things good again with dh if he knows. A salutory tale. best wishes and good luck to you.

I am really glad I found this thread and would be interested to hear how you are getting on ML.

Update on my situation is that the relationship with MrX carries on and has got more and more involved and complicated in the last three months. I have tried to end it at least three times but each time I do, he makes such a play for me I always end up going back to him. Anyway now feelings are involved it has become so difficult to walk away and would love to hear from those of you who have managed it.

The old saying - "what a wicked web we weave" just keeps replaying in my head and I have honestly started to wonder if it wouldn't be better to leave DH now because the deception and lies are really starting to get to me.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, life seems so hectic and complicated and somehow writing this all down makes things a little clearer.

Anyway, ML hope you are getting on okay.

Thanks for asking after me - sorry, haven't had much computer time. To be honest, in a bit of a mess. Most days feel like I made the wrong decision, should have just left and taken my chances - and the man I'm in love with feels about the same. But my dh and I had been coming close to a big extra investment in our house (necessary if we were staying in it for a few years) and I had said to the other man that if he didn't leave by Feb I would have to decide to go ahead with it. Which I did, and work is started, and I feel trapped - couldn't tell dh our relationship is on rocky ground when we have three more months of upheaval ahead of us and couldn't leave while all that work is going on and at the end of it we'll have no money left for me to leave with even if I want to!

Feel like an idiot for agreeing to the house work but I couldn't think of a good enough reason to say no short of telling dh the truth which I wasn't ready to do. At the time I said yes, I thought the other man wouldn't leave - now I think he probably would but it's too late.

Did actually try to talk to dh a couple of weeks ago - about the things I wasn't happy with - but he fell asleep! then went off on a business trip and came back saying he'd decided (HE'D decided!) that there was nothing serious in what I was saying it was just the usual ups and downs of relationships. So I doubt anything short of a total shock would get him to realise there are real problems and even then he'd probably just get angry (with some justification obviously) and decide everything was my fault.

Hi ML, I have just read all these messages and just wanted to offer a bit of support. God knows how you are coping! I am not going to offer any advice because I have never been in your situation, but I hope you get yourself sorted one way or another. I do however believe that you should only stay with a person if you can't possibly live without them. And it sounds like you could live without your dh. But of course its not always that easy is it? Good luck to you, whatever happens and I hope you end up being happy. I know its a cliche but life really is too short to waste it being unhappy.