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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DP's female friend

77 replies

Lynchian · 08/09/2008 11:27

I have nothing against my DP having female friends. However, there's one woman who seems to always push it that little bit too far. I am loath to say anything because they were friends long before I came along, but I'm starting to feel increasingly uncomfortable when she is around.

I am pregnant with our first child.

DP and I went out on Saturday and she was there. I get the feeling she'd had quite a lot to drink when we arrived, as she was on her own and as soon as we got there she joined us.

Her sister has recently been diagnosed as terminally ill, which is terribly sad, she's only in her mid-50s. DP's friend is very, very upset and I understand that she needs friends round her for support. I'm not a heartless cow, I like the woman (or I did until Saturday.).

I've noticed quite often on previous meetings that she's VERY touchy-feely with my DP. Stands with her arm round him when talking to him, touches him all the time. He's commented on this to me when drunk, but he doesn't remember, says sometimes she takes the physical contact a little bit too far and makes him feel a bit uncomfortable, however he thinks the world of her.

On Saturday we were at an open-air concert. My friend also came along, and even she noticed the level of physical contact between them. She puts her hand on his face when he talks to her. She puts her arm around him all the time. She stands and talks to him on the opposite side to where I am so nobody else can hear what they say to each other. At one point on Saturday, she was standing on her own, and he went over to ask her to join us. She didn't come, so he stayed with her. I went off to get drinks and when I came back they'd eventually come over to where we'd been standing. As soon as I got there she walked off again and stood on her own. She kept bringing red wine and topping up DP's drink with it but offering nobody else any.

Then at the end of the night he had to get something from her that she'd been keeping in her tent, so they went off through the mud for it, and she grabbed his hand. I walked with them, but slightly behind because I just found it bizarre. I think that was the final straw really, anything else I could've let lie, but hand in hand with her when I'm pregnant and struggling to balance in the mud myself was just too much. Too cosy.

I said to him, when we got home, that she'd been quite touchy-feely, and even my friend had commented. He just shrugged it off "she's always been like that". I said them walking through the field hand in hand made me feel odd. He said nothing had ever gone on. I believe him but I'm just not happy about it. It does make me feel weird, and is making me dislike her, when I don't want to dislike her, especially not now, when she's obviously hurting so much.

He is always the first one to withdraw from the physical contact that she makes. He seems to put up with it to a certain point, then get uncomfortable. I see her being touchy-feely with other people, but not to this extent. She also seems very guarded with me. She's interested in knowing all about me, but from other people, she never really asks me anything. She was very interested in finding out how my friend knew me, but only from my friend, when I started to tell the story she lost interest.

Not quite sure what to do about this, really. I don't know if I can just accept it though. It makes me really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Lynchian · 08/09/2008 12:10

I wish I could get the hang of this thing.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 08/09/2008 12:10

I'd have a quiet word with dp first so he's aware you're not amused and see how he handles her on saturday if he's not doing a very good job then you can step in and have a quiet word then he can't complain because you asked him to deal with it and he didn't so you did.

If someone doesn't say something she'll think it's ok and clearly it isnt.

ivykaty44 · 08/09/2008 12:10

I wouldn't really care if I ended up looking an unreasnable cow - it is out of order and not acceptable behaviour, from either of them. Her for doing it and him for allowing her to do behave like this.

Just tell her your hormones have noticed she is getting past it at 50......but that doesn't mean you can fondle my dh

MadameCastafiore · 08/09/2008 12:13

What do you mean you will get in trouble??

WHere are you, please invite me out on Saturday - I will pretend to be a long standing friend of yours and say very loudly, 'Oh my God, that is the geriatric who is always groping your DH!, you want me to go and smash her oe now?'

Sorry but am fuming on your behalf at her behaviour and that of your DH!

Really am off now but if you need me to come and smash her one CAT me.

everlong · 08/09/2008 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lynchian · 08/09/2008 12:20

I have this stupid fear that he will take her side (unlikely) or tell me I'm imagining it (likely) - either way, it'll end up in a row.

Also, I think she's playing some needy, manipulative game, and part of me doesn't want her to know that she's getting to me. Pride, and all that.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 08/09/2008 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/09/2008 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingnottoobsess · 08/09/2008 12:23

A male friend put me in a similar position to your DH last year - a build up of a few too many gushing compliments about my hair, outfits etc. Nothing major, but enough to make me feel really uncomfortable.

I think it was mainly due to my friend's personal circumstances, going through a bad patch with his partner (sounds like your DH's friend is also going through a bad patch, which may make be making her worse?)

I avoided him for a couple of months (was just busy when he wanted to meet up etc) and is seemed to do the trick. This was last year, and our friendship has been normal since I resumed proper contact. It probably wasn't the proper 'adult' way for me to handle it, but I think that tackling him about it directly would have damaged our friendship, which I value.

And I really felt like it was my freind's misjudged reaction to his own issues, not really a problem that would affect our freindship long-term.

Don't know if your DH would consider avoiding her, but it sounds like he isn't very comfortable around her right now, so it might be an option.

I know your situation is different in many ways, but just wanted to offer my experience which was resolved without drama or confrontation (which I was glad to avoid!)

Good luck.

Lynchian · 08/09/2008 12:23

TMMJ, I can't. I'm just not that balanced. It will do my fucking head in if it keeps happening.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 08/09/2008 12:31

I wouldn't like it. But...

As no-one has said anything to her, is it possible she just doesn't see what she's doing is wrong?

She's 50, she's single, now obviously I don't know whether she's ever been married/attached/whatever, but if not then she just won't have that social realization that you don't be too tactile with someone once they're in a relationship, especially if it's someone you've previously had a close relationship with, iyswim?

If she hasn't been told, and she hasn't been in a serious relationship, then she may just be acting the way she does with everyone (and you said she is touchy feely with others too).

I would talk to your dp about it, and say that it makes you uncomfortable, but that you realize that she may not know that and so you think he should tell her that being that tactile isn't really appropriate, especially now that he's in a relationship and you're expecting a baby together.

If he refuses to address it then you can take a more hard approach.

BitOfFun · 08/09/2008 12:31

You sound like you need to knock it on the head for your own sanity. I agree that you should diplomatically talk to your DP first, saying if need be that you know it seems over the top to him, but it's bothering YOU so you need it to stop. By all means ask him to back off from her, but say you can't promise not to bring it up with her if he can't stop it happening.

themoon66 · 08/09/2008 12:52

"She's interested in knowing all about me, but from other people, she never really asks me anything. She was very interested in finding out how my friend knew me, but only from my friend, when I started to tell the story she lost interest."

This is the part of the story that rings alarm bells for me I'm afraid.

I used to be secretary to a very attractive married gentleman, who wasn't very faithful to his DW. I always knew when another woman had him their sights by the way they used to ring me, his secretary, and quiz me about his wife!

Kick her arse now!

TheHedgeWitch · 08/09/2008 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Alexa808 · 08/09/2008 13:00

LOVE the mother comment, PMSL!

MdmC:

Lynchian: don't tackle her on your own in an honest way. She's probably just waiting for that. Have a chat with your DH first, then make a jokey (NOT) comment.

Alexa808 · 08/09/2008 13:04

Themoon is right, yes it's called checking someone out and finding the weak spots. Nasty woman in my opinion.

ActingNormal · 08/09/2008 13:39

Lynchian, my DH has a woman 'friend' like this. We don't see her that much now but in the past we nearly split up because of her.

From the way you describe your DP's 'friend' I can see similarities and I can see that she is manipulative and toxic. She is using being upset about her friend as an excuse for getting your DP's attention. Don't be taken in by it, it is calculated IMO! My DH's manipulative bitch used various excuses for 'needing' him. She needed advice on her relationship with DH's best friend. Then she needed support when her older male (married with children) colleague started harrassing her (after she used her ways on him to get him to fancy her so she could get an ego boost). Then she needed support when her boyfriend wanted her to move to the other end of the country with him.

She had no guilt about doing what she did right in front of me and she actually enjoyed it and enjoyed my reaction and enjoyed feeling better than me because she could get all my DH's attention away from me so that I was sometimes literally stood on my own while they were huddled in a corner whispering. I bet your DP's friend enjoys doing it in front of you! Does she like women? How many female friends has she got? Does she slag off women but love their boyfriends/husbands? This is what our 'friend' was like. Nearly every man she has been with was married to someone else. She has a problem with women it seems and needs to prove that she is better than them. Are there similarities with your bitch 'friend'?

When I read about you following them holding hands through the mud I felt such a stab in my heart for you and such venom towards her - what a heartless bitch! It's true that men can't see what women like her are doing and your DP would probably think it was innocent but that bitch knew what she was doing IMO!

Men feel flattered easily and if they are made to feel needed by a helpless female they love it and can't resist it. It blinds them to the woman's manipulation.

I don't know what advice to give as I was never any good at dealing with my 'friend' (all the time she was falsely and sickly sweet to me and pretended we were good friends). I wanted to give you my support and understanding though, I know how much this stuff hurts!

What did/does seem to wind my 'friend' up is if she is doing all she can to my DH and I just don't care and I am busy talking to other people and not bothering about her. When I started bringing another friend out with us she used to get really venomous about my friend. Now when we occassionally see her she does some inappropriate touching in front of me and her DH (my DH's 'best' friend) just to try to get a reaction from me and her DH. She has even grabbed my DH round the crotch. I usually just ignore her and have contempt for her. It does make me angry/hurt that DH allows her to do these things though! He should be saying this is inappropriate and not very nice for my wife!

Last time we saw her I had a big argument with her because she manipulated me into doing something she knew would make my DH angry with me for. Then she acted all concerned and enjoyed the drama that followed and prolonged it by stirring each of us up separately. I told her what I thought of this and my DH was really angry with me for ruining the relationship between us all because he still wants to be friends with her however badly she behaves. I'm glad I finally said what I thought though and if they don't invite us to visit them again then good! I decided that a real friend wouldn't treat me (or him!) that way and I had more self respect than I used to have and wasn't prepared to put up with that sort of bullshit anymore.

Sorry to go on, that unleashed a lot from me!

blinks · 08/09/2008 13:55

bloody hell- deal with this with a casual- 'Oy bee-atch, hands off'. Men are truly shite at dealing with such things. He's obviously not interested and she's obviously had a long term crush...it would've happened by now if the feeling was mutual. Don't take her seriously or you give her more power. Seriously- you've got it all AND you're younger... keep it light and when she's around be uber nice.

Celery · 08/09/2008 14:02

My best friend ( mmh, that makes me sound about 10 ) is a man. I have always been very respectful of the fact that he is married and how his wife feels about our friendship. This woman is not behaving respectfully or appropriately.

moonmother · 08/09/2008 14:09

I would have scratched her eyes out by now .

I think there's 3 ways to go here

either:
confront her as Madame Castafiore describes , and blame it on your pregnancy hormones-they a can be evil

or -take her casually to one side when your Dh nips to the loo/buys drinks and tell her politely (of course) to 'back off'.

or make the joke about how she likes to 'mother' him.-this will really bother her as she is older than the rest of you.

Whatever you do be nice and polite about it,if she makes a scene it will look bad on her, it doesn't matter if she's having a hard time at the moment, so what, she wants to make everyone as miserable as she is?

If all else fails then scratch her eyes out.

fortyplus · 08/09/2008 14:18

My dh has become close friends with one of my best (female) friends. We have done things as 2 couples for years and years. I used to play squash regularly with her dh - even when she was pg and/or with very young child. My dh goes round to her house about once a week and they spend the evening together.

BUT... there's no way that she's paw at him in the way you describe, and I certainly didn't do it to her dh when I was spending a lot of time with him.

Our relationships with eachothers dhs have caused raised eyebrows over the years, but as far as I'm concerned it's all above board. We enjoy close friendships as both couples and individuals but any physical flirtation would be out of the question.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2008 14:33

i'd tell him how uncomfortable this makes you feel.

DH has a 'friend' like this when we married.

she came over when i was pregnant and got drunk and said she'd always wanted to sleep with DH and what was it like to sleep with him and hear 'that voice' (he has a very deep voice with a broad Scottish accent) in bed and i just told her i was going to bed and she'd had enough to drink.

DH finally had to tell her when she rang at 2AM again with some sob story about her boyfriend that he wasn't as available anymore because he had to get some rest in order to do well at work to support his family.

she finally got the message after a while.

Lynchian · 08/09/2008 14:36

Thinking back, there's always been snidey little comments.

One time we were out and DP went over to say hello to her, I followed and stood while they had their little conversation. Then he went to get our coats and she turned to me and said "He didn't even seem to notice you were there."

On Saturday, we were talking about going to the same open air gig last year when we all camped and late into the night a girl came over to scrounge a go on the guitar. I remember her, she was really funny. Anyway, DP's friend was reminding him of this girl, and said to him as loud as could be "You remember, you were very taken with her" as if he'd taken a shine to her. He hadn't - I was more taken with her than he was!

She used to be a midwife and I've had all the unsolicited advice from her - the moment we announced my pregnancy she immediately said "Are you going to breastfeed?" - what does it have to do with her? And talking about the baby's sleeping arrangements, our bedroom is small enough to accommodate our bed plus Moses basket, but probably not a cot so we plan on putting baby in its own room when it outgrows the basket, but she said "Oh no, the baby must stay with you until six months, cot death, cot death statistics! Hasn't she (meaning me) told you that?" completely disregarding the fact that I've worked with children for 16 years and may actually know something about them myself. "Where did you train?" was the first question she asked me when she found out I was in childcare - "Oh, so you don't actually have a nursery nurse qualification?"

DP is in a band and she seems to always be chatting to the other blokes, but never really seems to hit it off with their wives. Apart from her own already established friendships with her own friends, and her obvious closeness to her sister, the only other woman I've seen her hit it off with is DP's sister.

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 08/09/2008 15:01

My god, and you used to like this woman??? She sounds absolutely toxic, have a word with your DH and tell him to sort her out. If he doesn't, next time she's all over him, I'd remove her hand from your DH and put yours in its place, maybe she'll start to get the message

Vian · 08/09/2008 15:07

She is goofy. Can't you guys completely cut all contact with her, or that circle of friends. She is behaving like an idiot. If a man was coming onto me, touching me etc whilst making snide comments to my dh I would kick him in the balls. Repeatedly.

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