I am smiling, chilled.feel really really happy! It's crazy because I have every reason to be f***ing livid.

[whosaidthat]

So....
what are your predictions for the day ahead?

Shall I let dh carry on thinking that I don't know he has offered to buy something (for his hobby) for £850. Shall I see just how long he is going to continue showering me with affection and talking non stop in that lovey dovey way, because he knows it is a stupid thing to do and he has to tell me eventually?
or
Shall I kick him in the fucking nuts now?

Are you able to cancel his purchase without him knowing? It's not like he would be able to say anything is it.

if you can access the computer etc then can you not cancel the purchase?

he is going to make you stony broke when you are already struggling

he is being utterly selfish

I would love to be a fly on teh wall at your house when you rumble him......

it's not actually funny though, if you are stoney broke and he has spent £850 on a fishing rod.

£850 is a lot of food shopping, petrol for the car, and bill money

does he not 'get' how serious this is?

the fact he joked about it and then you have been all smiley and chilled probably did not help

going farking ballistic would have been a more rational response i think!

£850 is an obscene amount of money to spend on a single fishing rod!

It can feed your family for probably 2 months, heat your home for the best part of a year, and in our case nearly 3 months rent!

The word Glider sprang to mind but then I think I'm thinking in terms of my DH

It's not like an auction site. It's an angling site with a chat forum.
All offers to buy are in principle alone until the two meet up and agree to the sale after viewing the item....so in the short term I am not pannicking.
I suppose it could read like I am game playing but seriously I think it is important to test this one out and see what he will do.

what if he does buy it? then what? £850 gone and then what...?

believe me
He will not be buying it.

My dh is a fisherman. He loves it. His dream is to have his own boat and every rod that goes with it - so I live with the "£850 is a real bargain" scenario!

Difference is, dh would not do it, ever. Period. He dreams about it, gets the boat and rod catalogues, pours over them and plans what he would buy ... but it stops there.

I'm glad to hear he has made a non-binding offer. (In fact, dh probably knows him, he uses angling forums a lot - shall I get him to have a word???? ). Bloody good job it's not ebay!

IIWY I would wait until you are having lunch, then calmly say, "so, dh, how long were you going to wait to tell me you are buying an £850 rod? When I checked the bank statements? When my card is refused at the supermarket and we have nothing to eat?" Then watch him squirm!

(or better still, register on the site, and post to the guy in question: "this is whosaidthat's wife. Sell him this rod and I'll chop off his bollocks".

what carmenere said.

£850 when you're short of money for a fishing rod?

you'd have to be a fecking brain donor not to realise who fecking stoopid it is to buy something like that.

what carmenere said.

£850 when you're short of money for a fishing rod?

you'd have to be a fecking brain donor not to realise who fecking stoopid it is to buy something like that.

I know these kind of transactions involve the two meeting up and it being a cash purchase
The seller is not local but dh could meetup later in the week on his way home from work or next week.
He would need to go to the bank for the cash or do a few visits to the cashpoint.

The last couple of months have been the hardest in our marriage finacially so we both know how careful we need to be with money.
What a pratt!

I thought my dh would never do it too
He is one of lifes "steady" people
reliable
kind
fair
trustworthy
etc etc
but has been getting more and more like the man who offered to spend stupid money last night.

Can you take all the money out of the account and just pay back in what you need to cover dd's when they come up? If he asks why, just say "you tell me!"

miaou

It sounds like he's indulging in a bit of fantasy. He's probably thinking of how he can meet up and find some reason why he can't buy the wretched thing.

Meanwhile, I would take him through the meal plans and budgets for the month when he gets home from fishing, just to hammer the point home and make him realise he should probably extricate himself from the fantasy sooner rather than later.

whosaidthat, I know I put lots of grins in my previous post, because our relationship is relaxed like this now. But it wasn't always this way. Dh suffers chronic depression, and a few years back when it was undiagnosed and quite severe, he took us to the brink (both financially and emotionally) with his unrealistic spending on - yes, you've guessed it - fishing stuff. In fact, he did even buy a boat, which we couldn't afford (we couldn't even pay the rent at the time). We could and maybe should have gone bankrupt and even separated for a while.

Dh knows what he is like - when the black dog descends he loses all common sense with regard to spending. As a result, I control all the money and the spending and we discuss all purchases over about £10. He is wise to it now.

Hmmm

I am incapable of being rational on this subject. Miaou is the one to listen to imho.

What if he tells you that, after purchasing this fishing rod, he got it really cheap for something like £100. Is there any way you will ever know how much it really was? Also, if you hadn't happen upon by chance this purchase to be you would not have known how much he paid for it when it does materialise. Has he got any other fishing rods you are suspicious about now?

God my dh is a fisherman too. He thinks about it all the time and always has smelly fishing stuff rotting away in the car in case the opportunity ever arises.

He also lies about it. Says he's got a work think and will be home late then I discover he's been on the river bank. It's like his mistress.

I try to accomodate it wherever possible, especially now he's started taking children with him (result) because it's better than having a real affaire with another woman. (Which he has also done.)

Also, despite being vegetarian, I think it's a really good, wholesome activity and a nice hobby.

£850 on a rod is INSANE. I think you need to tread carefully though. If he's anything like my dh he'll have all sorts of emotions and issues tied up with fishing. It represents him, the hunter, his manhood and prowess etc etc and you're dissing of it may make him feel emasculated.

So my advice would be to see this as a message that he feels his deep self is being denied. Come to an arrangement which gives him more fishing time, and try to get him to come to the decision HIMSELF that he must cancel the £850 rod, or get something cheaper.

"He also lies about it. Says he's got a work think and will be home late then I discover he's been on the river bank. It's like his mistress."

CRIKEY!!!!!
I,ve been saying that lately
Actually spidermama, you couldn't be nearer the mark.
The reality is that dh has recently reluctantly reduced the amount of time he is spending fishing.
I say reluctantly but this only came about after our once amazing relationship began to suffer. The balance was completely wrong and his priority at weekends was the fishing first.
The calendar was booked up...weeks and months ahead with matches (fishing ones not football)
I would look on the calendar and find that for the next 3 or 4 weekends he would be gone all day sunday for example. This would be on top of all the time he would be away with work.
He was becoming snappier and snappier through tiredness. He was leaving home at 5.30 a.m and returning at 7p.m ish week days. He would then set his alarm for 6a.m sundays to go bloody fishing. Saturdays are taken up going off and buying tackle, preparing, mixing, making up rigs-blah blah blah.
he spends longer doing all this than he does inside the house.
So I say all this because until recently have just sighed and laughed it all off.
We are all know that saying "well it could be worse " etc etc
Re the pole(not to be confused with a rod-this is a 2 metre carbon fibre pole for proffesional anglers)
He still has not mentioned it!!!!
It's not a game to me nor a power thing....I genuinely feel it takes his problem (as I see it) to a whole different level.
I think I am just sitting back and watching to see what if anything he does.
He already has one of these poles. It cost us a damn sight more than the one he was planning on buying the other night
Maybe the reduction in actual fishing has driven him to do it in a virtual way?

I feel quite upset actually that this rift has happened at all and that dh feels the need to be sneaky.
Something had to "give"
dd2 is a tiny little 3 year old that says "where is daddy" all the bloody time.
Is it wrong that I object to losing him to his hobby.
I have explained over and over that I would never expect him to stop doing what he loves. I think it's a good pass-time if it's done as a relaxation sport.
He does it to compete.