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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My friend is dying - I want to visit but feel uncomfortable going.

70 replies

pepsi · 04/09/2008 14:43

A friend of mine, whom I was very close to in the past but dont see often now is very sick, she has been given just weeks to live. She is only 45 and has been through a long illness. I last visited her in June at which time although very ill she still managed to smile. I feel awkward going to visit, her husband is beside himself and of course and its been a while since we spoke so I wouldnt want to phone him to ask whens best or any other questions. I feel really pathetic even writing this message. A couple of my friends are going tommorrow evening and I may go with them, or else myself and my husband could visit on Sat. But will she really want endless people coming in to say what will be goodbye or will she be to ill to care, I just dont know. Im so sad about it and feel so much for her children and family. Not sure if Ive worded all this well but someone out there might no what I mean.

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 04/09/2008 18:53

Message withdrawn

MarsLady · 04/09/2008 18:57

A very close friend of mine died and when he was ill I found it hard to visit. He was such a vibrant young man and so full of life that I found I couldn't bear to see him dying. I did make myself go but eternally regret the times that I didn't.

Go, say goodbye and allow your friend to know that you care. I'm so sorry for your loss.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 18:58

Well done Cod.

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 04/09/2008 19:05

My DH1 died from cancer 8 years ago, not once did his friends visit (mine did). Still makes me angry even now, you don't have to say or do anything just be there you won't regret it nor be an intrusion. If she can't manage visitors then her family will tell you

NoMoreOlympics · 04/09/2008 19:06

To be fair to the OP, she posted her dilemma not from her point of view that "oh woe is me, I can't visit cos it might upset me..."

She was thinking of her friend, whether she is up to visitors, whether it will be intrusive towards closer family and friends (I get the impression she is not a best friend) and not wanting to do the wrong thing.

I can understand that, and most posters were able to see that was the angle she was coming from.

So I also think that Cods post was just plain un-necessary.

To the OP, I have been through this. I agree with previous posters who said it will be very very hard to visit but you must do it.

BBBee · 04/09/2008 19:10

ffs she is wanting to discuss her awkward feelings and appropiateness of going and the status of her friendship.

she also said she didn;t know if she had worded it well and that she was very sad.

i think she should go and from what she says she wants to go - she just wanted some advice and encourangement. am not saying we should never deviate from the OP but I do think that giving an answer to a question that hasn't been asked to someone who is vulnerable and sad should be done with care.

TheOldestCat · 04/09/2008 19:12

Agree with NoMoreOlympics - the OP is worrying about intruding on the family and thinking about whether her friend is feeling up to visitors.

Pepsi - you sound like a lovely friend and I'm glad you've been reassured by the constructive advice so many have given. You won't regret seeing your friend.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 19:12

milfAKA I understand you're agnry - but men tend to be really crap at that sort of stuff.

DH's BF was in a psychiactric hostpial, and DH couldn't bear to visit him after the first time, even though he really wanted to. He still beats himself up about it now, and is very embarassed about it.

Just an example form my experience.

Boco · 04/09/2008 19:12

agree with Bee. It's perfectly normal to feel awkward and to worry about visiting and to be unsure and anxious about how to behave. Doesn't mean she's putting her feelings first or being selfish. It's a hard situation adn she was looking for some reassurance.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 19:14

Cod; you are unneccessarry to MN. Piss off

Personally, I think if you were looking for a post to sum up MN, this would be it.

FluffyMummy123 · 04/09/2008 19:15

Message withdrawn

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 04/09/2008 19:17

Glad you have decided to go Pepsi, am sure neither you are she will regret it. Sending lots of courage and support, it is awful having to see someone at the end of their lives xx.

Hulababy · 04/09/2008 19:18

Cod - think you are being unfair this time. If you read OP's post she is very clearly not talking about this from her view point, but that she is wondering if she is intridng n the friend's family time. Ot is obvious in her posts that she doesn't not want to go to save herself upset, but is concerned if she does go she might be in the way.

To OP - do go. I don't think your friend will not want to see you, and I am sure her family would love to see you visit. It must be a great comfort to her family to see how loved and cared for she is by others.

FluffyMummy123 · 04/09/2008 19:20

Message withdrawn

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 19:22

My advice to the OP would be to go and visit her friend.

If I'm ever dying (which is highly likely) please leave me the fuck alone. I want my dab radio & family only.

bubblagirl · 04/09/2008 19:23

i dont think any banter or hurtful things are nessasary regardless but this is a sensitive situation in which the op will be hurting enough already as her friend is dying and doesnt want to intrude on a time that maybe family want with her

but she will be pleased to know people love and care enough about ther to go see her no nastiness is needed as its not nice to lose someone you care about

its nice to know you care enough to ask for peoples opinions but we have all ost someone we care about and all seem to know what they want more is the people around them that care there family there freinds so just go and dont listen to nastiness you are dealing with a loss of a friend and that is hard

im sure your already thinking about how your friend must be feeling hense the questioning just go make her laugh and cry with her if she needs to cry thats what friends are for xx

MadamAnt · 04/09/2008 19:26

I think Cod was just trying to say that manners and chit chat and social conventions have all gone out of the window. This is it for your friend. I wish someone had given me a virtual (or real!) slap around the face back when my friend was dying.

However, I do reckon that like LS I personally would prefer to be left the fuck alone...but then I'm an unsociable sod.

NoMoreOlympics · 04/09/2008 20:57

lol @ cod

alright
sirry and all that
but still///////////

was that a backtrack? an apology? what?

JustineMumsnot · 04/09/2008 22:39

please go

dont worry about intruding. if by some chance she is too ill at that time to see you, the family or nurses will tell you. they wont let you in if she is feeling too bad to see visitors

be guided by her, if she is well enough to chat. as others have said, she may just want to talk about happy times in the past.you don't have to " say goodbye" or make a farewell speech

ruthosaurus · 05/09/2008 14:54

Pepsi, go and see her - my best friend (and ex-lover way back when) died of cancer at the age of 30 very suddenly last year and I just got to see him before he died. I'm so glad I did.

Don't worry about feeling awkward in front of your friend's husband - it's okay to feel that way but not okay to avoid talking to him because you don't know what to say. I didn't know what to say to my friend's wife (also a v good friend), but you muddle through and she said afterwards that she appreciated the people who made the effort and was really upset by the people who kept away.

I saw an article about this book in the Guardian and found it really helpful.

Best wishes and hugs for you.

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