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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend is dying - I want to visit but feel uncomfortable going.

70 replies

pepsi · 04/09/2008 14:43

A friend of mine, whom I was very close to in the past but dont see often now is very sick, she has been given just weeks to live. She is only 45 and has been through a long illness. I last visited her in June at which time although very ill she still managed to smile. I feel awkward going to visit, her husband is beside himself and of course and its been a while since we spoke so I wouldnt want to phone him to ask whens best or any other questions. I feel really pathetic even writing this message. A couple of my friends are going tommorrow evening and I may go with them, or else myself and my husband could visit on Sat. But will she really want endless people coming in to say what will be goodbye or will she be to ill to care, I just dont know. Im so sad about it and feel so much for her children and family. Not sure if Ive worded all this well but someone out there might no what I mean.

OP posts:
Mercy · 04/09/2008 16:58

Forgot to say, your friend's family will not mind at all.

If anything it helps to know their daughter is loved and liked by others.

Original poster
pepsi · 04/09/2008 17:53

Im definately going and will think of all your words of support. Thank you.

OP posts:
donnie · 04/09/2008 17:58

I agree with what the others have said - you really will regret it if you don't go. You don't know how much a visit, however brief, could mean to your friend and her relations.

bubblagirl · 04/09/2008 18:07

i wish your friend comfort and her family the strength needed and to have the support from her friends and family is best cmfort and support needed xx

bubblagirl · 04/09/2008 18:09

i dont think its a case of going to say goodbye but if her friend went in few days that what the visit would have been

to go back would be great and again would be an in case thing to go as you have that chance to and could technically be a good bye
but not to go at all and for her friend to pass they'll always be a regret for having not gone

even to go now and friend passes in fe wweekas i would rather it have been weeks than months since having gone

xx

bubblagirl · 04/09/2008 18:11

and to visit a sick friend can never be an intrusion whatever the reason you are going people need to know there friends are still there for them no matter what i certaintly was for my friend just because he was dying he was still my best friend and was never an intrusion me going and putting a smile on his face he needed his friends he needed to still feel like him

DrAnthonyZybutz · 04/09/2008 18:14

oh poor you

well get this SHE IS DYING
so get over yourself.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 18:16

Funny Dr., but not helpful.

donnie · 04/09/2008 18:17

where's the bridge?

Majeika · 04/09/2008 18:17

who are you Dr??

Not funny actually or kind to the OP.

Tn0g · 04/09/2008 18:19

The Dr is Cod, isn't it?

Not a troll.

throckenholt · 04/09/2008 18:20

I would ring her husband and say you would really like to come and see her if he thinks she is up to it - and ask him when is best.

I would think if she is ill lots of people visiting at the same time may be overwhelming for her.

Don't worry about upsetting her husband - he must know the score and is bound to get upset sometimes.

madrose · 04/09/2008 18:22

it is difficult and many people feel so uncomfitable about being in the way, saying the wrong thing etc. A friend of ours died, he had been ill for a few months and it was known that he was going to die. He was a popular guy, but only a handful of his friends went to visit him when he was ill, which he and his wife found very hurtful. So much so that when he died, and people contacted his wife to offer condolences and to ask for funeral details she told them all to f*k off, she told them that as they couldn't be f*ked seeing him when he was alive, why the hell should they attend his funeral now he was dead. I appaulded her for her actions, he was laughing till the end, why should he only laugh with his family, he had better laughs with his friends. Go. I visited my cousin and my grandma when they were dying, they were so grateful and so was I.

madrose · 04/09/2008 18:22

it is difficult and many people feel so uncomfitable about being in the way, saying the wrong thing etc. A friend of ours died, he had been ill for a few months and it was known that he was going to die. He was a popular guy, but only a handful of his friends went to visit him when he was ill, which he and his wife found very hurtful. So much so that when he died, and people contacted his wife to offer condolences and to ask for funeral details she told them all to f*k off, she told them that as they couldn't be f*ked seeing him when he was alive, why the hell should they attend his funeral now he was dead. I appaulded her for her actions, he was laughing till the end, why should he only laugh with his family, he had better laughs with his friends. Go. I visited my cousin and my grandma when they were dying, they were so grateful and so was I.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 18:26

I'm resuming the DR is Cod (It's was quite a funny post )

I think she saves her typing for special (mean)occations.

newgirl · 04/09/2008 18:36

my best friend died this year and my advice would be to try and talk about normal things and be as you normally are. Be a distraction and fun if you can. Take some chocs or something that will maker her smile - heat magazine? she may read it, may not, but its normal

Of course say what you feel and dont ignore the situation - you could say ' i wanted to come and see you like normal because i wanted to tell you about school...going out the other day... find out how your kids are doing... ask after her husband...or whatever. You could also say 'im so sad this is happening i wish it wasn't'

ok she may get tired and not talk lots but please give her the chance to be normal for as long as possible

if you dont want to say anything 'heavy' perhaps leave a card so she can read it later. if she seems well, maybe you should all make plans to go back another time so she has things to look forward to

hope that helps

BBBee · 04/09/2008 18:37

what unhelpful and unconstructive advice to someone who has a friend who is dying.

BBBee · 04/09/2008 18:38

it is not a funny post it is fucking mean and uncalled for.

Majeika · 04/09/2008 18:38

I thought it was COD as it is her style of writing even without the typos....still uncalled for.

Anna8888 · 04/09/2008 18:39

Please go and see your friend.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 18:40

BBBee, I agree it was a mean post,......but her firend is dying, not the op. In the grand scheme of things.............

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 18:41

BBBee, I agree it was a mean post,......but her firend is dying, not the op. In the grand scheme of things.............

BBBee · 04/09/2008 18:49

yes but she has asked for advice and reassurance. she knows her friend is dying and was not putting herself and feelings first, just talking about her discomfort.

If the OP was "in the big scheme of things who is more imprtant me or someone who is dying" then fair enough.

but it wasn;t.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2008 18:51

Point taken.

Will everyone please remember not to deviate form the OP in future.

FluffyMummy123 · 04/09/2008 18:51

Message withdrawn

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