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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp being weird and guarding phone.

57 replies

shoot · 31/08/2008 13:07

Dps being weird with me. I can't put my finger on it.

And he takes his phone everywhere with him. He didn't want to leave it in the room with me last night. I said it was charging and when he went out I checked it and all the msgs were deleted.

Now I'm not saying he's cheating.

But just want some clarity.

OP posts:

heroicsavage · 01/09/2008 12:07

Re-read other posts and just want to add that my dh said "any holes a goal" wen I asked him why if he didnt really fancy her had he then shagged her!

Just goes to show how the F**k Wits think!

MindingMum · 01/09/2008 12:30

no Mamazon, I have two phones to flirt, call who I like and not allow my controlling hubby to control me any further

Mamazon · 01/09/2008 12:34

It's not controlling to not want your wife to text flirty messages to other men

if he is genuinly controlling then leave. don't cheat.

MindingMum · 01/09/2008 12:51

You would give up a life with a DH and 5 Dc because your dh tried to control you?
No thank-you

NoMoreOlympics · 01/09/2008 12:55

blimey

this thread could take a strange direction...

Mamazon · 01/09/2008 13:01

If it's not that bad then you should have more respect for him than to cheat on him.

what you are doing is wrong, it is even more wrong to say that he is controlling (implying he is mildly abusive) just to try and give yourself an excuse is even worse.

solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2008 13:04

Mindingmum, if what you're doing works for you then good for you: if your DH is one of these paranoid types who wants to cut off all your contact with other people then you need to maintain links with others at least so you can get support and work out an exit strategy if he becomes dangerousn.

However, if he's monogamous and you're not, it would be kinder to renegotiate your relatinship - it's not necessarily the sex that bothers people as much as being lied to does.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 01/09/2008 13:10

it's not controlling to object to your wife having two mobile phones in order to flirt with other me. Mindingmum, you are treating your husband appallingly.

MindingMum · 01/09/2008 13:14

think more along the lines of what solidgoldbrass said - I never said i was cheating

Mamazon · 01/09/2008 13:21

where you draw the line with regards to what is referred to as cheating is a personal one.

I would be most unhappy if i found out my partner was Flirting and calling other women.

I would consider it a form of cheating...to decieve and be dishonest....if it were innocent and above board you would not need a second phone in order to hide whatyou are doing

MindingMum · 01/09/2008 13:31

i have a second phone Mamazon because if i didn't leave my phone in sight at all times , DH would lose the plot!

I can't have conversations with anyone, can't text anyone and to make life easier on myself i have another phone

yes, we have issues in our relationship but i'm not asking for help with those, just making a point to the OP

Mamazon · 01/09/2008 13:41

your priorposty said that you used it to "flirt and call who i like"

if you use the phone for purely innocent reasons and yet he flies off the handles then im sad you feel it necessary to place your material life abovbe that of your emotional wellbeing.
but your life your choice.

solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2008 13:55

Mindingmum, it is a bit of a short term strategy though, because irrationally jealous people don't improve without major therapy and there is a bit of a risk that if he finds out about the other phone he might become violent. So really you might want to think about couples counselling or something to sort out your issues, but I can see the importance of having private communications when you have a paranoid partner.

NoMoreOlympics · 01/09/2008 14:53

err, ladies

this isn't about MM's relationship though is it....

Original poster

shoot · 01/09/2008 16:19

Turns out DP is worried that I'LL leave or cheat. I never would.

This morning he was all excited that I was going wedding dress shopping and he even rang me from work to say he was happy things are the way they are..

The oast few days has been mixed messages really.

I'll see how he is with his phone tonight.

OP posts:

muckypups · 01/09/2008 16:34

its prob all innocent, but just to make sure I would (and have) wait till hes asleep and check the phone throughly.

If you go to write a message, something just like Hi, then go to send (but not send) in his phone and then it will bring up a list of recently text people. They never think to delete those ones. Its how i caught my Dh out.

Original poster

shoot · 01/09/2008 16:41

Mucky, I'll try but he's got some new touch screen phone that I don't know how to work, and when I checked his last phone recently, he had deleted the list!!

OP posts:

muckypups · 01/09/2008 17:36

see its the deleting that gets to me, what have they got to hide. Go with your instinct and check untill you feel more confident all is ok. Im glad i went with mine, i was under the illusion that my Dh would never cheat and if i hadnt had checked when i felt something wasnt quite righjt then he would have embarked on a fuly fledged affair if the ow had got her way. I was lucky and caught it in the early emotional chatting stages and thank fully have worked through it.

i notice how he has turned it round saying he was worrying about you cheating Could this be true??? Or is he trying to boost your confidence and throw you off the scent. Our confidence and self esteem does take a battering after kids i find. See if you can get some of that back, it was def a factor in my marriage nearly going down the pan.

Original poster

shoot · 01/09/2008 18:08

I do have very little self confidence since having the baby.

The thing is, I KNOW he lies to me. He never used to. But he's taken up smoing at work. He rushes home, gets changed and showered so I won't notice, but I've sniffed his shirt sleeves because I was suspicious and now I know. He went into a right rage when he knew I knew and swore it was just one time. But I kept saying look I won't be angry, I will only be annoyed if you are LYING about it, I'm not judging you, I just want to know you're telling me the truth. He maintains he's not lying. but I KNOW he's smoking. It's not the smoking that bothers me, it's just that if he'll bare face lie over that, he'll lie over anything I guess?

I'm really upset about it. We always prided ourselves on never lying to each other.

OP posts:

heroicsavage · 01/09/2008 19:06

My dh and I were the same, I always thought we would alwas be honest with each other about how we were feeling.
Men just dont seem to get the lying thing. It is a pity that some men are like that but it does not matter how many times you stress that it all you want is the truth no matter how much it hurts, they just never get it.

I am so sorry you are going through all this and I think that the only thing you can do is to either wait for it to all come out in the wash or drive yourself insane worrying about it and checking up all the time... I don't think there are really any easy answers.

Original poster

shoot · 01/09/2008 20:20

Do you think once the lying starts it's all over? Or is it just what men do? I've got such bad PMT I don't know if I'm just being loopy or what.

OP posts:

MindingMum · 01/09/2008 20:46

I think that men think ut is more acceptable to lie than woman and do it much better with much less worry.

Things that we consider to be lies (like the smoking incident)he probably hasn't given a second thought

Tidgypuds · 01/09/2008 20:57

I dont want to be an alarmist and I hope he is being honest with you.
Trust your instinct if you dont feel something is right then it probably isnt.
This is the way I felt a few years ago.
My DH started having lots of showers and guarding his phone, going into work earlier and finsihing a bit later this combined with a distant feeling from him. I just felt that something wasnt right, something that I couldnt put my finger on.
An affair went through my mind but I dismissed it on the basis that we were happily married and he wanted us to have another baby and was trying to get me pregnant that month. To cut a long story short my instincts were right and
he was having an affair.
I really hope your experience is not the same as mine but if it is, its better knowing before you get married.

Original poster

shoot · 03/09/2008 14:17

What does everyone think over all? Too little evidence to get alarmed yet, but keep an eye out?

OP posts:

mrsshapelybottom · 03/09/2008 14:40

My thoughts would be that if you are going to be snooping on your DP whilst he is sleeping or whatever, perhaps there are already trust issues there - not sure how to word this but basically at the very least you and DP need to spend some time really talking before you get married. Do you really want to begin married life honing your skills in detection? What kind of life do you want to build together?

Personally speaking, my DH's phone is his business. I don't check it, I really don't see the point in spending my days trying to catch my DH out. I want to preserve my energy for more enjoyable things!

However, only you really know your own DP. Why not just tell him that you have noticed he is behaving differently and ask him is there is something going on? You can then decide based on his reaction and how he answers you what to do next. But why go snooping?

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