And now to make matters more complicated . . .

[littlemissworry]

. . . I have really strong feelings towards my therapist. I know this is completely normal under the circumstances but it's tough too. Can't stop thinking about him. It's because I can talk to him like I can't my h. He's on holiday at the moment and i'm finding it hard - plus before I left he gave me a rub on the back just as I was leaving. I know it's only a transference thing but could do without it. And of course things are just the same with h - living apart, him refusing to move out etc. My poor head is all over the place! Just need tea and sympathy.

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DO you think that he is leading you on?

If so, you need to ask whether he is the right person to give you objective advice?

Hope that I didn't sound unsympathetic above.

Haven't followed your previous thread but I can understand why this is normal as you say. Do you have any close friend/relative to bounce things off. Just chatting about things can help?

No, I don't think he is leading me on. I genuinely think he is just a very kind person. Don't worry, you didn't sound unsympathetic - I have considered it myself but he is a very good psychotherapist and helping me a great deal so I'll stick with him at the moment. It's hard when feelings are all over the place though.

On the positive side, it is good that you have something to excite you/look forward to? DO you have other stuff like gym to look forward to?

Yes, that's true. I do look forward to going. I'm in a rut with everything really and I'd like to try and do some other things - maybe a gym or some sort of exercise anyway. Plus I'm looking towards getting myself a job in the new year (logistically too complicated before then). I have to be positive and look forward now.

yes. Job will be good for meeting other people and lightening up? Exercise is definitely good idea and can be social

Thanks ToughDaddy . Feel I have reached a crossroads in all areas of life now. This is a time I NEVER thought would come - apart from h, 2 children. Shows you never know what's around the corner!

Any more sympathy around?

you sound as though u have taken control so you will come through all this pain. Give the kids lots of hugs.

LMWorry, I think you should talk about this to your therapist - I know that is a very scary thought. I feel very attached to my therapist as well but we have talked about our 'relationship' because he knows I am not good at understanding boundaries, and we have talked about relationships not being all about sex, and how it would be very wrong for him to touch me AT ALL. This is so important if your boundaries have been disrespected in the past eg from sexual and physical abuse. It is important to know for sure that your therapist is not going to damage you emotionally when you open up about everything which you need to do for the therapy to work. You are in a very vulnerable position with your therapist so you MUST make sure you can trust him.

I sometimes wish my DH could talk/listen the way Therapist can but he is not a therapist! He has not been trained how to. It takes a lot of skill to help people with the things they go to therapy for with lots of training required. Try not to think less of your DH for not being able to do it.

Remember you can get close to someone eg your therapist without fing them! Part of my therapy has been to not focus on sex so highly in a relationship. There is a lot of value in relationships which are based on valuing, respecting and loving each other for who you are as a person which means more than if you just f someone straight away, because then you don't know if they are only in your life because they only value you as a sexual object.

good point Tracksuit. Can you share the basics good habits on talk/listen a la therapist? Could be useful for me to take into account with my DW.

ToughDaddy, are you asking what makes a woman feel listened to?

yes thanks Tracksuit

ToughDaddy, to make a woman feel listened to:

Look at her when she is talking (not at the TV or a newspaper etc)

Don't keep interrupting to offer solutions. This is what a typical man would want you to do but a typical woman just wants to feel listened to and understood

Make little noises to show you are listening eg mmm, yes, I see, I know what you mean, I understand

Validate her feelings - this means make her feel like she is not being stupid to feel the way she does. So you might say something like "Yes I felt a bit like that as well when x happened to me"

Ask questions to make sure you understand what she is really saying by repeating/rephrasing what she just said but in slightly different words eg "so you are saying you feel angry because x?" If you explain back to her how you have understood what she said in your own words she will feel you really do understand.

Men often talk in order to get solutions from the conversation. Women talk in order to vent their feelings and tell you how shit everything is. If you want her to shut up and stop going on quicker, the best thing you can do is hardly say anything, just make the listening noises etc til she has said it all. If she feels listened to she will feel much better and relieved and will shut up about it much quicker. She will also think you are wonderful! If you don't believe me just try it!

Highly inappropriate for your therapist to give you a rub on the back.

Tracksuit, you make some VERY good points there. I do trust him and don't think he would overstep the mark at all (well, I don't think a rub on the back is? - think he was just being kind). So far I have told him everything in probably too much detail and have even mentioned I have strong feelings so I think he knows he's on a pedestal. Part of my problems in my marriage is that I haven't felt at all respected and cared for and as a needy person this has made me very sad. The thing I find hardest about a 'relationship' with a therapist is that it's not like a friend that you can just text/ring when you feel like it.

Earlybird, interesting you should think that - should I be worried?

Transference is intellectual/emotional. A rub on the back is physical and extremely unprofessional. Wrong, wrong, wrong. No justification can make it OK.

Mmmm, not sure now what to think. It's a confusing situation - I think he's a really good therapist and has helped me a lot so far but wonder what's going on here.

Tracksuit, I have to say I don't think the division between 'finding solutions' and 'wittering on endlessly in a circular fashion' divides on gender lines. I know some very practical women and some endlessly whiny men.

Transference, as I understand it, is a perfectly normal part of therapy - many people fantasise about their therapists. BUT touching you is a huge boundary crossed, and as an observer would make me doubt his judgement. You are vulnerable, and what he has done is confusing and unprofessional.

Well, yes I am vulnerable and I never really considered it to be a wrong thing. Just somebody showing kindness. Do you think he is having a similar experience (I think i'm right in saying therapists can also experience transference) and is not handling it properly?

He can and should be kind to you. But a relationship with a therapist is not like any other relationship in your life. It is a relationship that evolves/exists differently to your other 'real world' relationships.

Obviously therapists are human, but they are trained not to let their own personal feelings/reactions distort the process. He is in danger of encouraging/exploiting your feelings for him. Even if it was a casual gesture, it was wrong of him. It is wrong ethically.