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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling like a spare part......

34 replies

Gwynie · 09/02/2003 10:05

We've been invited to a evening wedding reception by a friend of a friend of a friend (ie, aquaintance) which was fine.....until I found out that my friends have been invited to the day!

Ok, my friends actually socialise with this person on a regular basis, whereas I see her once in a blue moon.

Anyway, common sense tells me that it's really nice to be considered as a guest at all, but deep down I'm really feeling left out.

DH and others that I have spoken to about it say that I'm overreacting and I KNOW I am, but I still feel down.

Any advice?

OP posts:
babster · 09/02/2003 11:08

It's hard not to feel slighted, but I'm sure it's not a deliberate snub. I remember how hard it was to plan the guest list at our wedding when we wanted to invite EVERYONE but the budget was x, the register office held y and the reception venue could only seat z. It's a minefield of diplomacy (and family politics in our case). Possibly the bride feels embarrassed too. Please don't feel hurt - go to the party and have a fabulous time!

mears · 09/02/2003 11:09

Sorry - I don't understand why you think you should be invited to the whole day when you only see her once in a blue moon. If it was my wedding, I wouldn't have invited you at all. I think this couple are being very thoughtful by sending an invite. Be pleased you have been included to any degree. Now, why you would want to go to the wedding reception of someone you hardly know is another question ????

mears · 09/02/2003 11:10

Sorry - that response is maybe a bit blunt but I am premenstrual and in a helluva mood this morning

aloha · 09/02/2003 11:29

It might be a bit blunt but it is the truth! Come on, these people you hardly know have invited you to the most special and expensive party they will ever throw on a truly momentous day for them. It's a privilege and an honour. If you don't want to go, don't, and they can invite someone else. I'm sure they have people they haven't been able to invite at all to make room for you and your dh. Think to yourself, would you have invited a near stranger to your wedding? How would feel if you were the bride?

Original poster
Gwynie · 09/02/2003 12:00

Apology accepted, Mears and tx Babster for understanding where I am coming from.

BTW Mears, I do know her, but we only meet up on b/days, childrens b/days, etc.

Aloha, did you read my message???

I said that I KNOW I am not thiking rationally (Also, DH thinks I'm being silly, so please don't insinuate that he agrees with me).

I did not say that I don't want to go. As I said in my first post, I am glad that I have been considered as a guest and being married myself, I know how important a day it is.

However, I have been honest enough to admit that I feel a little left out.

I know how silly I am being, hence why I was hoping to get some advice (not to be shouted down) from people on here!

OP posts:
breeze · 09/02/2003 13:31

Gwynie,

Arranging a wedding can be difficult, trying not to upset anyone, you can't please everyone.

My dh and i had a lot of mutal friend and all couldn't be invited, so to save any problems, only family were invited to the wedding and everyone else was invited to the reception. I know a few of my close friends were a bit upset, but we wouldn't have done it and only invited a few.

I am sure it wasn't her intention to upset you in any way. Hope you have a good time.

Chiccadum · 09/02/2003 13:42

Gwynie, I know how you feel to a certain extent. I've two friends and I made and effort a while ago to invite them round with some other friends, whilst they came and drank and seemingly enjoyed themselves, I know that they have done the same, ie. invited their friends but not me. Now it would be on a rare occasion that i could got what with the children and all, but I feel annoyed at the fact that they can come here, drink my wine, eat my food and have never once returned the offer.

It also happened to me about the wedding thing last August and I've also know this couple years, I was miffed for all of ten minutes until I got my next drink and got into having a laugh.

I'm sure they didn't want to make you feel left out, but as you are aware they sooooo much to do

Anyway Gwynie, come on be honest with yourself, do you reeeeeeallllllly want to go to a day service in a big draughty old church (it's bloody cold in summer in a churcn and even colder in winter)

This way you get to stay at home comfy and warm and get ready at your leisure and make yourself look very glam and get in the mood for a good night, don't do anything I wouldn't do

Original poster
Gwynie · 09/02/2003 13:52

Tx everyone.

I really am not angry at the bride and groom and I understand that not everyone can go to the ceremony.

Actually, now that I have read all the posts(even yours Aloha ) it has made me realise just how silly I am being. So much so that I have asked for the thread to be removed, in fear that the bride may see it(don't think she is a member, but you never know....) and then get all upset, which is the last thing I want!

Tx for bringing me to my senses

OP posts:
Chiccadum · 09/02/2003 13:58

Your welcome, go eat, drink and be merry whilst trying not to fall on your bum (cos I invariably do wherever I go) .

Frieda · 09/02/2003 14:11

Hi, Gwynie ? adding my bit a bit late in the day, but I remember when we were planning our wedding, we were restricted to 75 guests for the sit-down bit which, when you've counted all the aunties and godparents see once in a blue moon (including obscure relatives of DH who I'd never met, and who insisted on bringing their current partner), but have to invite for diplomatic reasons, it doesn't leave many spare seats for friends you really want to come. What pissed me off most about this was that 3 of those 'people invited for diplomatic reasons' accepted the invitation, then subsequently cried off on the day, leaving empty places which could have been joyfully filled by real friends. And one of the couples didn't even bother to send us a present!
So, yes, it's an expensive, diplomatic nightmare. And the evening do will probably be more jolly and relaxed than the day would have been anyway. So don't feel down, and have a good time when you get there. (And I do know how you feel, by the way)

aloha · 09/02/2003 15:20

I'm sorry if I seemed mean, only we also had a no show at our wedding (one of dh's friends who also didn't send a present) which I am still extremely cross about. An invite is an honour so i do think people should go joyfully or not at all (but that doesn't mean just not turning up!). There will always be someone who could take your place (I don't specifically mean you Gwynnie, just generally). I'm sure you will have a great time.

Bozza · 09/02/2003 21:54

Another restriction might be if the bride's (or groom's) parents are paying for all or part of the wedding they might have some say over the guest list.

Although it does seem reasonable to invite close friends to the day and other friends to the evening which seems to be the case here. Basically you're being a little over-sensitive - but there are a lot worse faults than that. Also I think there's something about weddings that brings that side out in a lot of us - particularly women IME.

Chinchilla · 09/02/2003 22:02

Gwynie - you said yourself that you knew you were being silly. I'll bet that you will feel fine about it in a couple of weeks. We were only invited to the evening of a friend of a friend's wedding, and we had spent quite a lot of time with them. I think that, although I would have loved to go to the day, I accepted that the couple had restrictions which meant that they had more important people to invite. The evening was fun anyway. Whe we got married, we knew them even better, and wanted to invite them to the day. However, due to a limit of 50 for the sit-down reception, we could not invite them, so only asked them to the evening. As it happens, we were let down by about 4 people, so they could have come after all, which is the most annoying thing of all, but that is another topic!

Cheer up, and enjoy the evening. It will be fun. Look at it this way, you don't have to spend as much on the present if you only go to the evening, and you can afford a better dress because of this!

mears · 09/02/2003 23:04

Sorry about my response Gwynie - the problem sometimes when you post on mumsnet is that the way you are thinking does not always come over the same way when read by someone else who does not know you. I am sure on reflection you realise that these people are just trying to jiggle numbers with financing, and that it is nothing personal. Go and enjoy the evening.

bossykate · 10/02/2003 07:40

hi gwynie, i think some of the replies you've received are a bit harsh!

we specifically didn't want an "evening do", we wanted to invite people, or not, and not have a division of guests into premier league and the rest.

although i do understand all the reasons people have given here for why your friend might have one, and i also think whatever the bride (ok it's the bride!) and groom decide about the wedding arrangements, someone is bound to be peeved. some of the things we had instead to keep numbers down might have irked people, e.g. we said no partners we hadn't met, point being to avoid a wedding with loads of strangers that we'd never see again. i hasten to add we interpreted this flexibly!

anyway, glad you are feeling more philosophical about it now and hope you have a good time!

Bumblelion · 10/02/2003 10:55

On a lighter note here ... when I got married, lots of distant family and friends were invited from both sides of the family. At the evening reception, a couple arrived with a very large present which they placed on the table. I greeted them and they said they were friends of my husband (funny I had never met them before). They helped themselves to a drink and then mingled with the other guests. After about 10 minutes they came up and apologised - in the hotel there were two wedding receptions and, yes, you guessed it, they turned up at the wrong one. They did buy me and my husband a bottle of champayne to take to our room though when they left. I don't know who was more embarrassed, them or us.

Original poster
Gwynie · 10/02/2003 13:05

So much for the thread being removed

Tx to all those who have since replied to my last post.

Yes, I am feeling much better about it all. TBH I think my initial reaction comes from other issues, but that's another story!!

OP posts:
Chinchilla · 10/02/2003 15:06

Oh do tell Gwynie!

jasper · 10/02/2003 23:15

This is reminding me why I eloped and had NO guests and did not tell a soul in advance.

sb34 · 10/02/2003 23:42

Message withdrawn

eidsvold · 11/02/2003 09:25

this is why my dh and I went to Australia and got married. We did not tell anyone in the UK except his family that we were going to do it. My family and very close friends in Australia attended the wedding. In fact Dh only told his parents and sister cause I thought they should know. But the uproar and pressure on us to have a party from our boozy friends and acquaintances where they could drink to their heart's content was amazing. Luckily I got pregnant soon after and that stopped the nagging.

RushingAround · 11/02/2003 11:15

Gwynie, I was going to post on this yesterday, but ran out of time - I'm glad the thread is still here today, and that you didn't get it removed!!

Don't feel silly that you reacted in the way you did to being "left out". Most of us have been there too. But I think sometimes we can react to something more strongly than we might otherwise have done, just because there are other things going on in our lives at the same time - tiredness, bad mood that day, feeling vulnerable to other people etc - or deeper things. And in fact you've just said below that there are other factors...

I guess most people aren't nasty or hurtful intentionally, it's often more a case of thoughtlessness or being forgetful. But in this case it must be, as others have said, that 'wedding factor'. Any poor couple is surrounded by 100s of banana skins to slip up on...!

So, follow what Chiccadum said below - go out and have a good time! Put those vulnerable feelings away - and tell us about what a great evening you've had!

sis · 11/02/2003 13:33

Gwynie, I think there was a notice up a few days ago to say that tech is on holiday until this weekend which may explain the delay in deletion of the thread.

Tinker · 11/02/2003 14:00

Or even the thead

Lindy · 11/02/2003 14:24

Jasper - me too, didn't quite elope but had 3 guests at the registrar office plus another 2 for lunch - did get one or two sarky comments but most people respected our decision. The more I read about weddings & the problems they seem to cause the gladder I am that I didn't go through all that. In fact I don't think I really like going to weddings that much - if there is formal seating plan you invariably end up with someone you don't know which can be really hard work; you rarely get to talk to the bride & groom; the speeches are usually terrible & you have to sit still for hours .......... or am I just being a miserable sod!!