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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

massage appointments! just want to know the truth

68 replies

wild · 18/02/2005 15:56

Dp has been acting a bit edgily lately. we've had a tempestuous kind of relationship and been through some real low patches. I was beginning to hope we had put this behind us but when I described a conversation we'd had someone suggested he was having an affair. I checked his emails (not proud) and found a fairly ambiguous selection from an ex-tenant about massage sessions he'd been having with her (I know she does massage, and he's been having back and neck problems -- but still!) anyway in a mature way I necked red wine with a friend got very upset and confronted him with it in the middle of the night. Upshot he got up and left for work telling me to get out of house (his) within fortnight (when mine becomes free) or he's change locks and call police. He says he is not coming back til then and will not take my calls so far. I know this shows what he tthinks of me but I loved him a lot and still want to make it work only we can talk it over. He insists the massage etc was innocent adn he did not tell me cos I don't like her (I don't she is predatory and I was glad when she left here). He is not by nature a womaniser but I have been preoccupied. We have not had sex for ages, he went off itquite early on in the relationship. I know, I'm a fool. Tell me kindly. I am so so unhappy and I want his love back

OP posts:

pinkroses · 18/02/2005 17:28

Wild...I wanted to cry when I read this. You should NEVER feel like you deserve to be hit!!! Please, for your sake and your childs....let him go. It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to break up.

IMO you are getting out just in time. I know it's hard, I have had similar situation with my dh......big hugs to you xxx

ps....in cases like this, go with your instinct

Original poster

wild · 18/02/2005 17:29

his expression not mine
Just tried to call again, twice, once 'can we talk' no phone down second just phone down
apart from anything else we need to sort practicalities

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 18/02/2005 17:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster

wild · 18/02/2005 21:18

gglimpopo
I think it could be the making of me and yes I do have the balls to start again
what on earth was I thinking of
Thanks so much everyone I will let you know how it goes - thanks cod i normally agree with what you say if I can work out the spelling ! 'bin him' no typos there!
I know I am mourning a dream not a reality
ds is such a love, I am so lucky with my child
he is fascinated with Mr McGregor at the mo
I have discovered I have really good rl friends today and great mn ones
wish I had made a bit more of my career and my relationships, but there you go! about time I self-actualised

OP posts:

MancMum · 18/02/2005 21:25

you still have loads of time to make more of career and relationships... don't stay because of regrets about the past..

as soon as you mentioned the violence my whole response to this changed to "run to the hills and don't look back" you are lucky you have a house of your own and a fab DS ... you will get support here... why do you need him... he gives you FA from what you say...

MancMum · 18/02/2005 21:25

you still have loads of time to make more of career and relationships... don't stay because of regrets about the past..

MummytoSteven · 24/02/2005 21:51

how are things now wild?

i don't think the fidelity/massage thing is so much the issue, but the lack of respect he shows at what he interprets as any sort of "challenge" by you. domestic violence isn't just physical - it encompasses a great deal of psychological pressure as well.

best of luck

Original poster

wild · 25/02/2005 09:24

Bless you M2S, you were there from the start! yes, you are right about that. Having said he would stay away completely he then brought dss round last weekend. Then disappeared again phone switched off etc. My friend's boiler has broken and she, dp and ds have no heat and no hot water so she has been spending lots of time over with me to keep warm and it has been a good week. She and ds slept in spare room last night only to be woken at 12.30 by light going on and v drunk angry dp looming over her swearing and blinding. Then there was loads of crashign about in the house, up and down stairs etc. We were both lying awake scared. To the outside world he is behaving as if nothing happened, his sister rang last night and I had no idea what to tell her. I am beginning to feel he is a weak and unhappy man with a great deal of anger - and self-hatred - he turns on anyone who gets too close. Also I found out I may be no worse off financially on my own. I am beginning to admit that his true face is nothing like the one he shows the world and that I and particularly ds deserve better. thanks everyone for your support.

OP posts:

Pinotmum · 25/02/2005 09:53

Wild, I hope it all works out for you. You sound stronger now and more able to cope. I hope this continues for you and that you will start to see the future without him is not as scary as you may have thought {{{hugs}}}.

Original poster

wild · 25/02/2005 10:09

and that the future with him is scarier
thanks a lot

OP posts:

Pinotmum · 25/02/2005 10:12

Yes, quite possibly

tiptop · 25/02/2005 10:36

wild - I'm really sorry that I didn't see this before. I would have liked to have helped if I could. I think that you're better off without him. I think you've done everything you can to make the relationship work. Please don't feel you could have done more. I understand that this is an awful time for you, but it will get better. I believe in your ability to create a safe and happy future for yourself and ds. I will support you in any way I can. Don't worry about my current problems; I still want to hear about yours. We can support each other!

Original poster

wild · 25/02/2005 11:22

thanks tt
will email you this weekend
have been wondering what's happening in your life

OP posts:

Original poster

wild · 28/02/2005 12:46

he is coming back today
I have left a note and I hope we can talk
I am so

OP posts:

MummytoSteven · 28/02/2005 12:48

what do you want to happen, Wild? would you prefer it if he stayed away, so the decision was out of your hands?

Original poster

wild · 28/02/2005 12:52

All I can think of is how much I love and miss him
I know I could survive on my own but I don't want to give up on the relationship
I know the 'massage woman' loathes me and would love to provoke conflict
As you say that's not the issue, it's he and I, I can't see how I can make him that unhappy and I need to understand what's gone wrong

OP posts:

Beetroot · 28/02/2005 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MummytoSteven · 28/02/2005 12:56

it's how he react to stresses/feelings of inferiority that's going wrong. likely to be the way his parents interacted that has influenced it. It's not you. if you can have a separate residence, then at least try and keep that, so you have somewhere "safe" from him, if the relationship goes badly

Original poster

wild · 28/02/2005 12:57

Oh thanks beetroot
I feel a bit pathetic really, to love him so much after things have got so bad

OP posts:

MummytoSteven · 28/02/2005 12:58

it's not pathetic - it's instinct to want to make a go of it with the father of your child. it's good to be committed and not just chuck things in at the first sign of difficulty, but equally sometimes there are things that you just can't make better

Original poster

wild · 28/02/2005 13:04

I see m2S
I agree. His parents split up and have a distant hate-ridden relationship. I think he is very damaged by his childhood tbh and I have always tried my best to give him the family, the closeness he missed out on then. Thing it he can't deal with it at all and runs from intimacy. Then I have been distracted and this trollop flatters him and makes him feel good I guess. I doubt there's any lifelong passion there. I know he loves me in his own way and I think if only he could stick to a long-term relatoinship and learn to trust he coudl be so fulfilled. I know I always say the negtative bits on here but there's a lovely side to him. I am not a complete fool! I left him a card a photo of ds and a cake we made together and I've suggested we talk.

OP posts:

Original poster

wild · 28/02/2005 13:06

I know
I feel we can make it work
He just moves on when things get difficult so I need his co-operation if we are ever to get better
Thanks so much for listening it means the world to me
My parents were a good team, I am a bit of a black sheep in the family but I know how it can/should work

OP posts:

MummytoSteven · 28/02/2005 13:08

difficulty is that he has to want to put the effort in, and instead of storming off/going off drinking/being nasty to you when the going gets tough, he has to see that there are other ways of dealing with it. all the effort in the world from you can't control how he behaves.

Original poster

wild · 28/02/2005 13:13

You see things so clearly
thanks
I think I am getting hysterical cos I have just been on the anus channel and laughed even tho things are falling apart
Will see what happens tonight I guess, if he is ready to face up to me
You know when you stop caring for someone and they cling on, you start to despise them a bit well I don't want to get into that bracket
He's worth the fight, for me. We have so much to lose.

OP posts:

MummytoSteven · 28/02/2005 13:14

it always a million times to easy to be objective when it's not you in the situation tho

best of luck to you

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