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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you ever really hate your dp/dh?

45 replies

inaquandary · 26/08/2008 16:18

I ask as I often find myself looking at him and hating him - there are alot of issues that make me hate him but really want to know if anyone else feels like this. I try hard to like him and ocassionally do feel what closely resembles love for him but most of the time when I think of him I hate him - I am not asking whether I should leave or not as that is obviously what I should do but for many many reasons I am sticking it out until the kids are older but honestly just want to talk to others who feel the same as me and for want of another way of putting it are justing keeping things going for the sake of their kids?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 26/08/2008 16:22

No. In the past, yes. When I had had PND - God, yes. We had some real issues in our relationship about 3 years ago and there were times I despised him. Now I'm happy to say I feel nothing more than mildly frustrated with him at times.

I wouldn't - couldn't - stay with someone who I hated in any capacity, ever. Sorry if that doesn't sound sympathetic, but I genuinely believe that life is too short.

Original poster
inaquandary · 26/08/2008 16:28

Yeah I know that just want to know how others deal with it ?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 26/08/2008 16:30

How can you deal with it? Leave him? Get counselling? Bite your tongue?

Communion · 26/08/2008 16:32

Mrsmattie it seems you did stay with some one that you hated but that the realtionship improved and thngs were worked through.

So things not quite as simple as 'I would leave.

IAQ that doens't sound like a healthy way to live.

MrsMattie · 26/08/2008 16:34

Yes - we had counselling.

I certainly wouldn't say it is simple in practice to deal with this sort of situation, no, but the options are quite simple -
Leave
Stay and put up/shut up
Stay and address the issue with DH / seek counselling

No?

beanieb · 26/08/2008 16:35

there wa a point in my relationship with my ex where I hated life with him enough to think breifly about driving myself into the back of a lorry.

Yes there were times when I thought I hated him but I hated my life more. I left.

it was the best thing to do.

pagwatch · 26/08/2008 16:39

no, never.

Original poster
inaquandary · 26/08/2008 16:41

I will say it again I am not going to leave and I am not asking if I should just want to hear from people out there that like me put up and shut up and how they deal with it - simple as

OP posts:
Original poster
inaquandary · 26/08/2008 16:41

I will say it again I am not going to leave and I am not asking if I should just want to hear from people out there that like me put up and shut up and how they deal with it - simple as

OP posts:
Original poster
inaquandary · 26/08/2008 16:41

I will say it again I am not going to leave and I am not asking if I should just want to hear from people out there that like me put up and shut up and how they deal with it - simple as

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bitsnbobs · 26/08/2008 16:41

Yes and I know other friends in RL who have felt the same! For me it was a combination of the kids being very young, I had mild PND and I was full of frustration. A couple of years later and things are on an even keel again.

noddyholder · 26/08/2008 16:43

no never here too.

MrsMattie · 26/08/2008 16:43

Sorry, I don't understand. You want to hear from other people who put up and shut up about how they do it...?

Chuffinnora · 26/08/2008 16:46

There are moments in my marriage when I feel something like hatred towards DH. I don't want to leave either and I mainly hate how he can behave the way he does (nowt bad - just lazy and selfish) and causes me to have a huge row with him to get him back on track again. So in answer to your post I suppose the big question is why do you hate him? Is he unfaithful or mean or cruel or is it more the everyday stuff piling up and causing you to feel angry and resentful?

lilymolly · 26/08/2008 16:47

oh yes esp in middle of night when he is snoring

hecate · 26/08/2008 16:48

yes.

HappyWoman · 26/08/2008 16:56

I have hated the things he has done - but not sure if that is the same as hating someone.

REally dont think anyone should put themselves through that either.

Of course all relationships have ups and downs but if you are not heading in the same direction can it really be called a marriage.

Surely you are not giving your h the chance to get himself a life and you are taking away his choices.

Who says it is the best for the children anyway?
Do you think they will thank you for being a martya in the long run?

Koshka · 26/08/2008 16:58

I hate my P most of the time.

He has cheated on me, he told me he didnt love me, then decided he did but didn't tell me (i know).

We are now past that, and now he refuses to get engaged, 'cos he's done all that shit before'.

I just live with it. I dont really care TBH.

HappyWoman · 27/08/2008 07:51

I have been thinking about this and i really do think it is very sad to spend a good part of your life 'sacrificing' your happiness.

I dont think my mother loved my father and would probably have said she stayed because of us children.

I actually think she has been very selfish - at the time when she could have left and got her own life she became quite ill (so a good excuse to still not leave), she has not been in good health and now totally relies on my dad.
My dad has no life of his own as he has to be there for my mum (he feels loyalty - but i think he realises she does not love him).

I think that at least if my had left i could have had some admiration for her - instead she seems to be a bitter old lady who blames others for her life.

If you truely do hate him then please dont waste your life for any longer - you never know how long you really have to get the life you deserve.

HappyWoman · 27/08/2008 07:56

sorry also forgot to say - however good an actress you are i am sure your h will 'know' you dont really love him (i think my dad did - and in some ways i think he was too weak to do anything about it) I almost wish now that my dad had found someone else - at least my mum could have been happy being the 'victim' yet again.

If this is just a blip then get help to rebuild the relationship you, your h, and your children can be proud of.

mou · 27/08/2008 08:22

yeah i'm in that place. i feel like i'm married to two people. one is like the man i married the other is almost a stranger, with major anger management/drinking problems. hate the second one so much if i could split up and NEVER see him again i would. but with two DC's can't do that so get confused when he nice to me, as i'm waiting for him to explode.

deal with it by filling my time with being busy, very very busy. DC's, sport, hobbies, housework, coming on MN,

one really good friend been a rock but DH go mad if he think i talk to anybody, he not even like me coming on MN and try to work out my password.

lilacclaire · 27/08/2008 10:27

When I feel like that towards DP its the first sign of my depression creeping back.

Now I recognise it, I can usually nip it in the bud by changing my own behaviour.

Do you think that you could be depressed or if there are other issues could you address them through relate or some kid of counselling (either together or alone)

yellowvan · 27/08/2008 10:54

Thank you for starting this thread, quandary, I'm also in one (quandary that is)and it is nice to know I am not the only one with those feelings.
Me and dh barely speak except on matters of admin, we've also been sleeping separately for years (even being round the same table is too much for me sometimes).
we tried relate once but it caused more problems than it solved and counsellor said she had done all she could for us. When I am really really busy I can cope, but when I have time to think I hate it. I also worry about what it shows ds about how to run a relationship.
However, it's a wake up call to read other people's take, ie martyrdom is not attractive and ds will not thank me in the long run, does it indicate depression? I considered this a while back, but cancelled apptmt/refused to take meds because I felt it was not my problem. Will watch this thread with interest. How are you coping? My only advice is to stay really busy, and fill you life with friends and family that you love.

GooseyLoosey · 27/08/2008 11:02

Feel like this about dh sometimes too. He has a way of talking to me that can make me feel so small and everytime he does it, I feel I really hate him. I have told him this and it got to a point last year where I said that if he did not change, the bad feelings would outweigh the good.

I have to say that he has made an effort to change as I think he really was taken aback to discover how I felt. Our relationship is much better now but it does require work on both sides.

I took a look at what triggered many of our arguments and it was me getting angry over housework. I then said to dh - I will do all of the cleaning and organise the kids but I will no longer cook any meals or heavy gardening - they are for you to do. Of course I still think I do more than him, but it has got rid of much of the sniping.

Original poster
inaquandary · 27/08/2008 11:34

Thanks for your posts - Happywoman my dp does what he likes whenever he likes so I am taking away his choices - I dont think so.

My dp (not husband) have been together 20 years and for a very long time I thought I had found a really good man you know the type will never really hurt you - well I was wrong.

I feel like my life is controlled by him and his moods - one minute fine next nothing is ever good enough - feel like I am constantly trying to keep the peace not upset him in fact we all do. I know its not a healthy way to live but talking to other people that are going throug the same instead of being told leave him leave him is why I posted not trying to start an argument just being really honest and some of your posts are being equally honest and for those thank you

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