Do you ever really hate your dp/dh?

[inaquandary]

I ask as I often find myself looking at him and hating him - there are alot of issues that make me hate him but really want to know if anyone else feels like this. I try hard to like him and ocassionally do feel what closely resembles love for him but most of the time when I think of him I hate him - I am not asking whether I should leave or not as that is obviously what I should do but for many many reasons I am sticking it out until the kids are older but honestly just want to talk to others who feel the same as me and for want of another way of putting it are justing keeping things going for the sake of their kids?

mine can be a nasty nasty man

Before I had the children I would give as good as I got but since having them especially since dd, I just try to keep the peace. I dont like the person I am and I do worry about the affect my behaviour has on my children ie. how to conduct relationships when they are older - my son will probably be just like his dad - a bully for want of another word and my daugther well I can only pray that she will look at me and think "I will not be like my mum I will fight back" not a very pretty picture I'm painting is it. Dont get me wrong most of the time life just trundles along and we are mostly happy and some days I even like him and think its not him I hate its me for becoming the kind of woman that puts up and shuts up for the sake of peace.

Inaquandary, I have felt exactly the way you do about dh - that I am colluding in what almost amounts to abusive behaviour and that the children witness this. I have to say that I make a real effort when the dcs are about not to appear accepting of dh's behaviour and I have actually told them that the way daddy acts sometimes is naughty and not acceptable. Dh says that this has undermined his authority with the dcs and he is right, it has. However, much better that than they grow up to be just like him!

This thread is very interesting as I am going through a very bad patch in my new marriage as I have found out he cheated on me before the wedding. However am in a dilemma, should I leave and try to find happiness again elsewhere and split up my family, or stay in my marriage with someone I might eventually start to hate and resent for the sake of the children??......I still love my h and he appears to love me very much (despite the affair), we get on great day-to-day although obviously we have alot to work through, if I can hang on to that...can I make it work for the sake of the children??. However I wouldn't stay in a damaging relationship (be it violent, mental abuse) I couldn't be happy...even for the children if that was the case.

Sometimes in life you just have to swallow your lot and get on with it - my dp has also cheated on me - that strangely enough did not hurt me as much as the little put downs the feeling that no matter what I do its never enough - he readily admits he is not a very nice person and does try to change but as they say a leopard cannot change their spots - he has had anger management but does not really work with him - he is not physically abusive (thank god) - its his words that are his weapons - I think he has a inflated opinioin of himself which has probably not been helped by my pandering to his every whim which has gotten worse in the last 5 years - he has been promoted and I somtimes feel as if he talks to me like I am a 5 year old not a grown up.

Cheatedon - only you can decide whether to stay or go - hope you are happy

I sometimes feel like I hate DH but like you i don't want or intend to leave him. But i don't ALWAYS and CONSTANTLY feel like i hate him in which case i might have considered leaving.

I have learnt to accept that my feelings for DH are ambivalent ie love and hate in co-existence to varying degrees at different times. And i can live with that and i also feel it is not totally weird or abnormal. After all being married and having DC's raises so many issues that you are bound to clash and disagree sometimes which can lead to feelings of hatred. The part of DH that i hate the most is the part where i can see he takes directly after his mother who is a nasty, hyper critical piece of work. But he has many many other good, lovely and positive parts and those are the bits I love and respect. So overall, i guess i am happy with him and that's why we're still together.

inaquandary, my DH is the same, his subtle put downs are what i hate about him and he does it in exactly the same way as his mother. The funny thing is that now i can see this trait in him and where he gets it from i don't hate him as much as i used to, i just hate his mother instead.

No, never.

It doesn't sound like a healthy way to live, nor a happy situation for anyone to be in. If I were ins uch a situation I hope I would do something to sort it out, prfessional or therwise.

Oneplusone, I didnt know his mother very well before she passed away - but from what he says he is very much like her - hope my dcs are never like me - except my kinds bits!!!

As I have said before most of the time life trundles along - I know that I have confidence issues and these are all due to my own behaviour and how i have let it become - martyrdom I suppose to certain extent sometimes it just feels like a survival technique - I would like to get some professional help - but as I work full time - I would have to do it in my lunch hour as I would not want my partner to know I was seeking help - yes I am that pathetic - I know other women live with a lot worse than what I am putting up with and I suppose its made worse by having no one to really talk to - my bf and I have parted company as she began using me as an alibi (whilst having an affair) and I could not condone her behavior so have lost my closest friendship and really dont trust anyone enough in RL to talk about the issues we have or how I really feel -I emailed the Samaritans once in a really dark time but they didnt reply to me so suppose am using mn as a place to talk about my feelins albeiit in printed form !!!

i used to get cross and frustrated with my DH at times, but i never ever hated him, why would you stay with someone you hate?

Life is sadly too short to spend it with someone you hate, how do your kids view your relationship? what stops you from leaving? do you think you are getting out of life what you deserve?

He is generally pretty well behaved in front of the kids unless of course if his mood is caused by them.

Of course I am not getting out of life what I should - I know that - just need to vent !!!

so what can you change so that you do get what you want?

I can't imagine being prepared to waste my life living with someone I hated.

V for your situation.

sometimes i think i do its just anger talking if i hated him i wouldnt be with him its easy to feel hate when your emotions are out of control but when settled you know you still love that person

if you dont still love that person then you shouldnt be there you both deserve to be with someone who can love you as you should be loved

Yeah I know - deep down I do care still - its just my situation is very difficult/complex not posted my whole story too long too boring for words - just wish I could change back to the happy bubbly woman I used to be - dont think I am clinically depressed - have been there etc etc just want a way out of a situation I have to all intents and purposes created - yes it is sad that I have decided to go along with this - and believe me he is happy with the situation - like I said a few posts back he does what he wants - like the old adage goes he has his cake and eats it (with a great big dollop of cream) thanks to my pathetic personality - I cant see a way out I am not a stupid woman but I really cant - I am scared if I change anything that my situation will become worse ie. he will be nasty to me forever, use the kids etc etc he is that type of man - I would rather live like this than the alternative - I have painted a very bleak picture because I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but its not all bad

I do feel sorry for you - and all relationships do need both people to do their bit imo. I know in ours there have been times when it has not always been even but generally we make a good team.

Like i said earlier - i think my mum stayed with my dad for our sake - and i can remember from a very early age thinking that i would get more for myself than my mother did - that i would have a far better marriage than hers. I actually have little respect for her now - she is ill and now NEEDS my dad. I think if i am honest my father knew why she stayed too - and think he was also biding his time and would have left once we had flown the nest. But my mum became ill and dependent on him before my db left home.
I have little respect for either of them actually - i feel sorry for my father because he really cannot leave my mum now, so he is trapped.
They are both trapped in lives they dont want - they were happy enough whilst we were growing up - we trundled along with life.

I have had major problems in my marriage - my h cheated - we are working through it.

Cheatedon - remember you dont have to make a decision about staying for ever - if it is good now then continue but know that if you want to leave you can. I do hope you can get past his affair and put it in the past where it belongs, that doesnt mean you have committed to the marriage for ever just for now. It really is a much healthier way to live - none of us know what is around the corner.

I would never tell someone to leave their partner but i would say do things to make yourself happy whatever choices you make - if you are happy to be the martyar so be it - i would never judge anyones relationship.

NO
NO
NO
NO

You are doing more damage to the children living in that environment, not teaching them the true meaning of a loving relationship etc etc

Please get out, for the sake of the children.