Would I be a total bitch to insist on this from my DH?

[wantanotherbaby]

Either we have another baby or he gets a vasectomy?

Some background...

When we got married we agreed we wanted two children, I wanted three but I agreed to two. Fast forward a couple of years and we have ds who's brilliant, sleeps well, feeds well, an absolute charmer. There were early wobbles but nothing serious, just first time parenthood nerves.

Now he says he doesn't want another one. He has a series of reasons why...

1. we can't afford it. Money's tight but not that tight, we have some slack in our budget, and my mum and dad have said they will help us buy a house next year (we currently live in a 2 bed flat I bought 12 years ago so I've got quite a bit of equity)

2. He found it too stressful. Not once did he say when ds was little that it was stressing him out. I know he used to find it tough when ds cried, but as he hardly ever did, that was pretty rare. As I bf dh never got up for night feeds, he didn't even wake up usually.

3. His family caused him a lot of hassle - they were a pain in the butt, giving him grief about the name we chose for ds and the fact that they live so far away (they chose to live in a different country to their son, do they expect us to move 2000 miles to live near them?)

4. He was really shocked at how long new born babies do nothing. I think he was expecting to be playing football in the park with ds from about 2 months. I've pointed out that this time that won't be a problem as we'll have ds, who will be nearly 2 and really up for playing football in the park!

This issue is really starting to drive a wedge between us. I pretend nothing is wrong, but I'm starting to resent him so much. The other day he was watching ds sleep and he said "isn't he cute, he's such a sweetie" and I wanted to yell "why can't we have another one then?" but I didn't.

I did think about getting pg without his consent, I've told him I'm not following my cycle (well, that's almost true) and I won't go on the pill again. But I'd rather he was happy to have another child., plus I'm sure he'll know if I'm mysteriously up for it every 28 days. Even he's not that clueless about menstrual cycles!

If want to give him an ultimatum, either we have another baby or he has a vasectomy. I want him to understand what it means to ask someone to never have another child.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

Is he entirely happy in the relationship? Or is there a possibility that he doesn't want to further tie himself to you? Sorry if that sounds really blunt. But it's a possibility. I read an almost identical thread on another board. And after about 3 months and 1000 posts, that what it boiled down to.

bumper - he used to feel very insecure as a father. I'm sure that's one of the problems. He had no confidence and admitted he got really irritated when ds cried. I think he found it hard that ds settled more readily with me, but things are getting much better on that front. I'm back at work so three days a week dh has to pick ds up from the cm and bath him and put him to bed. It's been a really good bonding experience for him. I'm at work today and tomorrow and he's got him on his own the whole time and apart from writing some instructions about what to feed him, I've left everything else to him. My mum did warn me against telling him how to do things too often as this could shatter his confidence, so my philosophy has always been to wait until he asks for advice. It's interesting what you say about accepting the past and empowering yourself by freeing yourself from it. I will mention it when we're talking about it, see if he thinks it might help.

Pookie - as far as I know things are ok. He hasn't mentioned anything else to me. Don't worry about sounding blunt, it's good to think of everything. He still tells me everyday that he loves me, and he's very affectionate with kisses and cuddles. I'm not sure I'd know what other signs to look for if there was a problem. He's actively talking about moving house next year, which would be a further tie to us, we're discussing going to a friend's wedding in Brazil next year and so on, so I would have thought he would avoid those subjects if he wanted out. Or am I missing something?

Marlasinger - yes I have been really really lucky with ds. He's such a dream. That's what frustrates me so much about the whole not another baby argument. It's not like we've had to make any sacrifices at all really, we still sleep in the same bed. DS has been in his cot since he was 6 months, and before that he was in a moses basket. I have friends who didn't sleep in the same bed as their partner for a year after their first baby was born, but we've had none of that.

I do still have most of my maternity clothes, the ones that didn't fall apart from over use that is! I was sorting a lot of that stuff out the other day too, dh wasn't around though. So no chance of wistful sighing. We bought our next size up car seat the other day, and moved the old rear facing baby seat out of the car. I said to dh shall I chuck it then? and he said no, just put it in the loft. I just shrugged and said we don't need it, but he didn't take the bait. Gah!

The other day he came home from work and said he'd spoken to a friend of ours who's just had his second son, and his friend said "don't have another baby, it's a nightmare with two". Their two are about 18 months apart I think. I made a joke about it and put my hands over my ears pretending to sing loudly. DH knows I don't want to hear things like that.

I hope you manage to work out something that's right for you both soon. Let me know if you do. I'm on here a lot, I usually post under another name but I am here and I've got a watch on this thread. Good luck x