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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is being a fucking arse.

63 replies

PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 08:30

I have some money in my dresser drawer. A few pounds that I have been given towards a pedicure I am arranging for my best friend's baby shower.

I have put the money in my drawer so I dont spend it.

DH saw it there, as DD left the drawer open while playing with it, and this morning he asked why it was there. I told him, he took it.

No asking. Just took it. I asked why he was taking it, he said why not? I said fine just take it, grumpy like.

Then I said are you not going to even say thanks? And can you not take it all, and he said again, why not?

I said it was not his to take and he has not even said thanks, did not ask to borrow it, no thanks, nothing. Even when I said it, there was no sorry, thanks. He said. 'i did'.

So, when I said it was rude. He said 'life is a bit unfair sometimes isnt it?'

He is being really obnoxious lately .

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 22/08/2008 08:46

Oh dear - my DP is the same. He cannot understand the concept of ownership re: money. Comes out of the same pot, he reiterates like a mantra. So, if there's money lying around, he doesn't think mine/yours. It belongs to anyone, but usually him as he gets there first.

But to be fair, it works the other way too.

beanieb · 22/08/2008 08:46

so he's payig you back, right?

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 08:49

That is why he is upset, he does not want to get flamed by MN!

I did ask him not to take it. But he took it anyway, which is why I said, oh just have it then.

I was upset in the first place as he seems to be goading me.

Like he is trying to get me to bite or something. Ends up with me screwing it up somehow.

Going to call him and apologise, I know it cant be nice knowing I have been horrid to him on MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 08:50

Oh its not even the fact he took the money.

Its his attitude towards me about it. No please, or thanks, and when I comment on that, sarcastic comments.

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Lazarou · 22/08/2008 08:51

Oh no, don't call him. Just don't mention it again. If he wants to sulk let him. It is his problem. He took money that belonged to you and he was pleased about it. He needs to apologise to you.

MmeLindt · 22/08/2008 08:52

Oh, what a shit start to your day, Pavlov. One of these days when you wish you could turn back the clock.

I think you need to be honest with him, tell him that you were annoyed that he took the money without asking and that you realise that you should have spoken to him about it but you were angry. My DH would be annoyed if I posted on MN rather than tell him what is wrong.

Sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a good chat to find out what is bothering him.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 08:53

He wont see that Lazarou - he thinks he has done nothing wrong.

He aint answering anyway, so is clearly sulking.

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feedmenow · 22/08/2008 08:54

I like 4andnotouts idea!

I also like Lazarous but think it might be just a little too harsh!

Lazarou · 22/08/2008 08:55

Oh well, he'll have to get over it then. You've got better things to think about than whether he's feeling hard done by. It may be harsh but he's an adult.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 08:59

yeah, guess so.

He is going to sulk about this. And then it will detract from the whole point of me being upset, and will be about me upsetting him now.

Great.

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Lazarou · 22/08/2008 09:03

All you need to say is 'you took some money that I asked you not to take. It was unfair of you but I'm forgetting about it, and so should you. Now let's have a nice glass of wine'

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/08/2008 09:16

YOU apologised? You 'couldn't stop him'? Sorry, there is something very wrong here. DH takes your money without asking, that's wrong. You don't know how to stop him, that's wrong. My DH would ask me 'can I borrow this cash until xxx' but if he just took it I would challenge him! You are allowed to do that you know.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 09:23

kat - I did challenge him. I asked him, then told him not to take it, then to be honest I sid 'oh just have it then' as I did not want an argument, but he did not even say thanks.

And as I have said a few times. I agree something is wrong. He would usually just ask to borrow it, but it appears he is trying to wind me up.

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Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 09:25

And I apologised for 'slagging him off' on MN as he put it.

I was not careful enough in my dissing of him.

OP posts:
onebatmother · 22/08/2008 09:27

did you say that you had told him what the money was for? And that he looked you in the eye and took the money without a 'dyou mind if i take it because my card's buggered - i'll give it back next week'?

Because if so I do think that's really odd. and a bit, erm, scary..

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 09:30

onebat - yes I did tell him. And hew would have realised anyway if he paid attention to the things I do. It was money people have given me.

He looked at me with a half grin. It was not scary or intimidating. It was sulky and defiant.

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bogie · 22/08/2008 09:33

I think I would have slapped dp if he did that to me how fuckin rude!
I agree about the no washing cooking ect

HumpheryCushion · 22/08/2008 09:38

Poor Pavlov.
FWIW, I wouldn't have apologised for posting on here about it.

Your DH behaved like a spoilt child.
You wanted to discuss the situation with him.
He dismissed you by saying 'life is a bit unfair sometimes isnt it?'

If he had responded like an adult, instead of like a petulant 4 year old, there would have been no need for you to post on MN to express your upset.

Becasue you wouldn't have been upset.

Damn right he was angry when he saw this thread - because he knows it shows him in an unfavourable light.

And now he has sulked and stropped, and made you feel like you are the one in the wrong - whereas he has actually been rather disrespectful and unpleasant to you.

He has been very passive aggressive, imo.

Let him read the thread.

It will be useful for him to see how people outside the situation observe the incident.

zippitippitoes · 22/08/2008 09:38

this all sounds a bit of a teenage thing the way you describe him as sulky and defiant and the whole situation really

are you quite young?

the simplest thing would have been to say

its not my money, but take x amount and iw ill have to replace it so i need it back pronto

if this is sometging thats just blown up because of general unresolved things in your relationship you really need to sit down together and sort out where things are going wrong and clear the air rather thasn let things build up into childish bickering and point scoring

BlingLovin · 22/08/2008 09:40

"oh, just have it then" - red flag to a bull. Sorry Pavlov. But if that was me and DP, he'd be irritated that I was saying take it while so obviously being pissed with him.

You admit there's more here, so maybe you should tell him how you feel? "I felt you were purposely trying to wind me up. Were you? What's going on?" ?

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 09:41

Zippi - we are not particularly young no! 31 and 35!!!

He has been like this for a few weeks now. I guess we are going to have to have another chat. [sigh]. Seems to be acommon occurence these days

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zippitippitoes · 22/08/2008 09:43

lol you sound about 20

kittywise · 22/08/2008 09:43

OMG your dh has stolen your money .

What a wanker

If mine ever did that and he never would I'd go ape shit. Why on earth are you letting him treat you like this?

It is your money and he has taken it.
What a shit.

Sorry but did you have any idea he was this sort of person when you married him and has he always trampled over you like this?

I am really shocked, and it takes a lot to shock me

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 09:44

Thanks Zippi

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Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 22/08/2008 09:46

kitty no he has not always been like this! Usually he is a normal pleasant, well mannered bloke who has the odd moment of being obnoxious.

On the odd occasion he is a bit sullen, but nothing serious. But not like this.
Thanks for the post humphry you seem to get how I am feeling. I appreciate your response.

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