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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pushing DP away and he's noticed.

26 replies

G2B · 21/08/2008 22:03

I absolutely adore my DP, but lately I've been worried I'm pushing him away because of PND, and tonight he's sort of confirmed it.

We're very lovey, and he works full time (I'm on maternity leave at the moment), then he has one evening to himself per week when he plays football (probably like most men). The rest of the time we're together. He has 2 days off per week (these change) and we do things together- go for lunch, cuddle up with a DVD and a takeaway, look after DS together, go to family things together etc.

But since he's started football I've felt very left out as his work friends txt him and his football friends txt him, and they all mingle together and have a good laugh etc. He always has something new to tell me.

However, i don't see much of my friends anymore as I have a baby and I've been struggling with the depression so everything overwhelmes me, and I think i've turned down meeting up with them so many times that they've given up.

I just worry that I am boring and have nothing new to tell him, and it's unhealthy that I do nothing. Next month I start back at work and it's going to be very stressful. I'll have a lot of work to do at home.

Today I said 'since you're going to football for 2 hours tonight, on your next day off I'd like 2 hours to myself whilst you mind baby'. He looked all hurt and said 'that's all you care about- spending time on your own. You always want to get away from me. I only have 2 days off a week at most and you don't want to spend the day with me.'

I felt terrible. He's such a lovely man. I have brought up having some time to myself a few times lately, but not because I don't love him.

I think he's feeling quite rejected because of the PND, I have been quite cold I suppose.

I just love him to bits and don't want to lose him.

I'm just trying to get things straight in my head really so wanted to write it down and get it out.

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 21/08/2008 22:05

he could ditch the football to spend the day with you. You are not entirely responsible for maintaining the closeness of your relationship - perhaps remind him of this?

MrsMattie · 21/08/2008 22:07

Why is he 'hurt' about you wanting two hours to yourself? It would probably do you good.

dizzydixies · 21/08/2008 22:07

are you getting help for your PND - its not something you have to cope with on you own you know

Original poster
G2B · 21/08/2008 22:17

Yeah I have another thread on the PND- just been to the doctors this week, started tablets, and getting put to the top of the counselling list.

I don't think it's over the two hours, as I go shopping with my sister, or my best friend, or for a hot chocci sometimes, but I think it's about him feeling that I'm trying to get away from him IYSWIM. I am being distant

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 21/08/2008 22:18

have you explained all this to him? maybe he just needs to hear that its not him you're pulling away from

Original poster
G2B · 21/08/2008 22:27

A little I suppose, but not in any great detail. I think maybe I should, but it's hard to talk about. Especially as I get embarressed about the PND.

I just wish I had more to talk about other than 'baby did this, baby did that, etc'.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 21/08/2008 22:31

please don't be embarrassed about it, trying to hide or or not discussing it will only make it harder to cope with - it is not something to be ashamed of and once he has an understanding of it (which he can only get from you) he may even be able to help you with it

I only realised how bad mine was when my dh admitted he never knew which one of 'me' he was coming home to and sometimes dreaded it as my mood swings were terrible - it was at that point I realised that although I was the one suffering from PND it was affecting us both

he sounds like a lovely dh and that you have a really strong relationship so I think you should give him enough credit to help you in the short term and he can work on his football in the long term when you're back on your feet a bit

Original poster
G2B · 21/08/2008 22:38

That really rings a bell for me as he often says sometimes I'm really happy and then other times I'm shouting about every last thing and trying to start rows. I think if I do as you suggest and keep him updated on it all, he'll understand why I'm a crazy lady lol. I guess that's the answer then! Just wanted to write it down really so that i could see for myself how silly I was being.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 21/08/2008 22:40

if it helps at all then just keep writing it down - MN is a great place where nobody will let you think you're going crazy or being silly

if it helps I was on citalopram and that worked for me

Original poster
G2B · 21/08/2008 22:45

I'm on fluoxetine. I've never heard off it, have you?

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 21/08/2008 22:46

Fluoxetine is Prozac.

Original poster
G2B · 21/08/2008 22:47

Is it?! So will it make me really happy? is it addictive? As GP said they're not, but I thought Prozac was?

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 21/08/2008 22:49

no am sorry I haven't but you could always ask on here

I've had citalopram both times and it worked well for the length of time that I needed it and had no problem coming off it

wessexgirl · 21/08/2008 22:50

Prozac is not addictive. I found it very effective .

ThatBigGermanPrison · 21/08/2008 23:12

Prozac isn't at all addictive, and it is very important that you finish the prescribed course. Prozac has saved my life before, if you need it, you need it. This time next month you are going to feel so much better.

It won't make you happy - what it can do is help you with regain your perspective. It can help you toget the motivation to clean your house, or conversely, the motivation to do something OTHER than clean your house.

It didn't make me 'happy', or 'mad' or 'hyper' or 'strange' - it made me me again. Something the depression had taken away.

saultanpepper · 21/08/2008 23:51

I'll try, if I may, to provide the male perspective. Please be gentle, I am trying to help, honest

The phrasing 'since YOU'RE going to football for two hours...I'D like two hours to MYSELF' is, perhaps, key to the issue. The emphasis is mine, and I make no apology, it will very likely how he has heard what you said.

You have made it seem to him that he is somehow doing wrong by having an interest outside your relationship i.e. he now thinks that you think 'how DARE he go off and play football for two hours a week?' I know this is not what you meant and all you want is a couple of well-deserved hours to yourself, but please understand that men think differently to women. He doesn't view this time as 'time to himself', he views it as something he's probably always done and with every media outlet these days screaming that nobody exercises enough, he probably think's he's doing the right thing.

That notwithstanding, you both need to understand that you BOTH need time to yourselves and you BOTH need time together, and that it's not a competition. If he were, as suggested, to give up his football it would a) be physically unhealthy for him and b) cause resentment, both of which would most definitely be sub-optimal outcomes.

You need to re-establish your relationships with your friends and reconnect with the outside world - and don't make it about 'it's YOUR turn to mind the LO while I go off and enjoy myself' as he will view this - rightly, IMO - as an attempt to make him feel guilty about having a life. By the same token, however, he should have no issues about making sure that you also have a life and supporting you in this by helping with care while you have your time and space.

If I may make a suggestion - text/call your best friend(s) and make a coffee date for a couple of hours on his next day off. Tell him that you've made the arrangement and that while you are out, he will have LO all to himself; and when you come back, you can all go out for lunch/walk in the park/. He should not feel excluded, you get to reconnect with and talk to your friend(s) and maybe have something new to talk about when you see him.

kind rgds
Saul

Alexa808 · 22/08/2008 00:30

Good morning G2B,

Have to second Saul's post. My DH hears exactly in that way!

When I say you are doing x y z so I want to do xyz he takes it as veiled criticism of himself, what he's doing, etc.

I wouldn't make him give up football, everyone needs an outlet, it's great if he likes sports and has a healrhy circle of friends. He'll love you more for it than you force him to give this up.

Are you guys close to family, could the Grandparents volunteer to have DS? Or a close friend or aunt? Letting him have baby will also help him to bond and learn how to parent.

I'm sorry to hear you've got PND, I hope it's getting better and you receive the support that you need. Please don't feel bad about yourself. Just concentrate on getting well and enjoying your family!!

ThatBigGermanPrison · 22/08/2008 00:51

It's great he has football. It's not great that he is whining about G2B not wanting to spend time with him because she wants to have two hours to herself, and THEN indulging in football, which is, when all is said and done, a hobby.

Original poster
G2B · 22/08/2008 08:14

Saul- He did mention me using it as competition, and I can see what you mean. I will try to word it differently.

I definately don't want him to give up football- it makes him happy, he's very good at it, and it's healthy. Also, he's been playing for work but now he's been asked to play for a team locally and I can tell he's reallty chuffed, so good on him.

I would like him to have the baby on his own to bond a bit. They have a very close relationship but DP is fed up of missing things like his first laugh.

I could maybe get one of our mums to mind baby while he's at football, and I could use that time to do something for myself. I'm going to do that this week in fact!!

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 22/08/2008 08:23

sounds like a great idea G2B. we all need a little time to ourselves.

BecauseImWorthIt · 22/08/2008 08:25

Whatever you do don't put pressure on him to give anything up. That way much resentment lies.

But you do need to talk to him and say that you feel boring - it's nothing to with your PND, but you're not getting any stimulation beyond home and the baby.

Agree definitely with Saul. Don't turn this into a competition. And for goodness sake, don't be embarrassed to talk to him about your PND. If you can't talk to your DH who can you talk to? (Apart from a bunch of mad women on here of course ...)

Agree with Saul that you need to take matters into your own hands about a social arrangement. There is nothing to ask your DH about, other than to find out when he will be available to babysit. Don't fall into the trap (very easy) of thinking that he has to approve what you're doing.

And do it. Get out of the house and have that time to yourself.

BalloonSlayer · 22/08/2008 08:51

I used to feel like this, and I think a lot of new mums do.

The way I'd explain it is as follows:

It's not DH or baby that I want to get away from, rather it's the freedom of being babyless for a while I crave (can just get in the car and go in 10 secs, walk around the shops without constantly calculating where the lifts are etc etc). And the paradox is that of course I really really don't ever want to be without DS, that's why it has to be DH who looks after him - anyone else and I wouldn't be able to relax.

I remember being out for a walk once with DH and the DCs and for some reason I was caught behind and promised to catch up. As I walked (not very fast) to catch them I could see them all in the distance and it was as if a weight had been lifted off me. I wasn't pushing a buggy for the first time for about 3 years and I could actually enjoy the lovely surroundings without having to be watching the DCs like a hawk in case one of them ran off/fell over. It was like a spell had been cast on me for a moment . . . soon over.

I am not sure this makes sense though, feel free to ignore!

SueMunch · 22/08/2008 10:30

Don't make him give up the football - it is probably something he really enjoys and looks forward to. Most men need some kind of break between work and home ot they start to forget who they are.

It shouldn't be to hard to ask for your own two hours elesewhere in the week - he sounds very reasonable. You don't have to take it on an evening -it could be a weekend thing.

Sometimes you just have to negotiate!

Original poster
G2B · 22/08/2008 15:58

I am going to do a little negotiating. I didn't go out much when I was pregnant (apart from work) as I was ridiculously big and embarressed, and then afterwards I obviously had all these problems so havn't done my own thing much. So I think he's just used to me being here all the time. Particularly as we never have any spare money for me to go for a drink with my mates.

OP posts:
saultanpepper · 22/08/2008 16:22

TBGP - the point is that why should he have to give us his football? There should be plenty of opportunities to spend time together and indeed, for him to spend time with his son and allow G2B some time to do as she pleases.

G2B said in her original post that the football is an evening thing, while on his days off they are together as a family. I suspect he has jumped to the (wrong) conclusion that G2B doesn't enjoy this time spent together for some reason and feels hurt/rejected.

G2B - communcation is key here - he needs to know what and how you're feeling, and it is important to make him understand that you are not rejecting him by wanting to spend some time by yourself.

Does he know about PND? From experience (DW had PND after both our LO's were born) I suspect he is feeling pretty stressed about now - instead of concentrating on looking after your DS he now doesn't know when/whether to focus on you, or on your son. When he does focus on you, you may well unconsciously push him away without realising it and he will be hurt and frustrated and it will feel to him as though everythign he does/says is wrong. He needs to recognise that he needs support as much as you do - The Fatherhood Institute and Mind both have some good material for starters.

kind rgds
Saul