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Original poster

Newly Pregnant with 1st child - DH's reaction (or lack of...)

32 replies

FlirtyThirty · 21/08/2008 18:25

Hello ladies,

I'm (just) pregnant with my first child. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow. This was a planned baby and DH and I are happily married and financially secure. We conceived on our second cycle - so MUCH faster than anticipated - and to be honest, both of us were a bit shell-shocked when we found out last weekend. Happy but disbelieving. We are older (I'm 31, DH is 43), and have a lot of friends who've had trouble conceiving, and so had assumed it would take much longer.

Anyway, aside from asking which room a baby would sleep in, DH has not really said anything about how he feels. I have told him practical stuff - like when my booking in appointment is and what the Dr told me, but he has never asked any questions. I know it's only 5 days in and he is busy at work...but I was just wondering....when did your other halves show any interst in the pregnancy?

My DH is a kind, sweet, smart man...but at the moment, I feel like it's only me that's in this. Has he forgotten?! When well he get interested? Will he ever want to look at the pregnancy book?

Flirty x

OP posts:
msdemeanor · 21/08/2008 18:32

ha ha ha re pregnancy books! No, I have never met a bloke that read a pregnancy book (good thing too, I think) and I would guess nearly all women only read them in their first pregnancy. They are hugely overrated! I think pregnancy doesn't feel real for men - but then I don't think it felt real for me until after the first scan. Believe me, not reading pregnancy books doesn't mean he will be a bad dad. Most men IME only get into parenthood when they actually have a baby in their arms.

jalopy · 21/08/2008 18:36

Congratulations, flirty.

His reaction sounds perfectly normal to me.

He'll warm up to the idea gradually. Don't take it to heart.

Good Luck.

fryalot · 21/08/2008 18:37

hi flirty.

Totally agree with what msdemeanor said - my dp said "oh" all three times I told him I was pregnant.

When we discussed it calmly and rationally later, he said that he had just felt a bit overwhelmed, even though it was what we wanted, he was still surprised and didn't know how he was "supposed" to react, so he tried not to do the wrong thing (which of course meant he did exactly the wrong thing!)

He fell completely in love as soon as the baby was born, and is a fab dad to all three children.

I'm sure that your dh is over the moon, he just needs a bit of time to himself for him to realise that he is over the moon (iykwim)

oh, and btw, if you get him to look at a pregnancy book, can you take a photo and post it on here, or else nobody will believe you

Congratulations, as well

bubblagirl · 21/08/2008 18:39

took my dp 3 mths to get used to idea wasnt until 1st scan it all became real

i just found not taking it personally as we have baby in us is easier to accept new arrival men usually feel alittle bit on the outside

i just made sure my dp felt included but the change in him became apparent after seeing baby in scan

before that showed no interest kept his distance from me i had bad morning sickness he didnt know what to say or do so stayed away instead

Romy7 · 21/08/2008 18:40

squonk - is my dh a bigamist?
i had 'oh' too.

LittleMyDancingForJoy · 21/08/2008 18:40

DP didn't react like that, but he did take a while to be able to be enthusiastic about it the first time round. I think women come to terms with it and throw themselves into it much quicker, we have all those hormones to help!

Give him some time, he'll get into it in his own time. But I doubt he'll ever read a pregnancy book, sorry!

edam · 21/08/2008 18:40

I agree with everyone else about the pregnancy books. It's much more real for you because it's your body that's doing the work. Dh should, of course, show an interest and be supportive and cherish you and all that... but I'd give him until at least after the first scan before I started sulking!

Rhonds · 21/08/2008 18:40

I got in a tizz because my DH wasn't cartwheeling when I got pregnant. Turned out that I was being an arse!!

fryalot · 21/08/2008 18:41

romy7 - deffo not a bigamist (mine refuses to actually marry me )

bubblagirl · 21/08/2008 18:42

congratulations by the way my dp was more supporitive but i found i had to initiate any talk of baby get him to feel baby movig etc he got really excited later on when he could hear heart beat through belly and really seemed to bond then but that was near the end

but mind you thanks to pregancy hormones couldnt stand him anywhere near me for a while as he seemed to have weird smell even if washed i couldnt stand him luckily it passed after a month but he must of been mortified to be pushed away like that

soon made up for it as sex drive went into over load half way through lol

Tortington · 21/08/2008 18:43

congrats. dont moan at him - if he is interested in you - great - you will beg for someone to be interested in you when you are up to your eyes in shit

bubblagirl · 21/08/2008 18:44

oha nd my dp was on 7 hr journey home when i found out and was told oh i cant talk see you later and that was it

and the hardly spoke to me until after 1st scan

Original poster
FlirtyThirty · 21/08/2008 18:44

Thanks so much ladies.
Actuially reading back my post - I too think it's totally unrealistic to expect him to read pregnancy books. Don't even know what I was thinking writing that!

I think you're right that it just doesn't feel 'real' to him yet. Maybe after we've had a scan things will change. I do already long for the day when he even makes a passing comment about the fact that we will hopefully have a baby next Spring...
Here's hoping.

Oh, and curiously I have absolutely no doubts that he'll be a good father...

Thanks,
Flirty x

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 21/08/2008 18:45

it won't seem real to him yet - scans help, as does the stage when he can actually feel the baby moving. Remember you have hormones to help you through this stuff and he has a yawning chasm of ignorance - encourage him to read up on stuff if he's interested, but don't pressure him to react in teh 'right' way - there isn't one

Romy7 · 21/08/2008 18:45

squonk - oh! do you think it's cos he's married to me?
at least i get the insurance money, then. after i kill him.

QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 21/08/2008 18:46

Dh's response was a simple nod!!

I asked him if he was going to say anything and his response was "I don't know what to say".

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/08/2008 18:46

DH was excited for a day or two then we both sort of got used to it! He may be excited at the scans, but then again maybe not. He will never read a pregnancy book. He will not coo over baby clothes or help you to make lists of what you need. He will have to be dragged to ante-natal classes and will only suggest names when pushed.
Despite all this he will be very very happy about it on the inside and will occasionally go a bit mushy maybe late at night when he feels it kick...or after a few pints. Men are just funny like that

sagacious · 21/08/2008 18:46

Same as msdemeanor

Until our dc's arrived dh looked quietly happy at the scans and that was about it.

As soon as they arrived ...BAM

He likened it to an express train hitting him (in a good way)

Congratulations by the way hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy!

Original poster
FlirtyThirty · 21/08/2008 18:47

Oh, and I haven't moaned, reacted badly or pressured him. I'm very much taking the 'he'll come round when he's ready' approach... I was more curious really, as I'm looking forwrad to sharing the experience. I guess it's hard just now as I can't talk to anyone else yet(we're keeping schtum until after 12wk scan).

Sure you're all right though...it'll just take time for him...

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 21/08/2008 18:48

DH's response both times was 'Oh. Well i suppose we'll cope.' And both were planned!

He is a great dad to DS, very hands on, and I'm sure he'll be great to DC2 as well (due in Dec)

cupcake78 · 21/08/2008 18:48

Congratulations. I hope everything goes really well and you enjoy your pregnancy.

Your DH reaction is very normal. My DH went very quiet and then started talking about booking holidays etc.

Pregnancy books mean very little to a man TBH. As time goes by he will become more interested in things like how big baby is etc and wait till your first scan. That is a truly amazing moment.

EffiePerine · 21/08/2008 18:50

anyway you can bore talk to us on here - try joining an antenatal thread, you'll find people who are happy to talk endlessly about feeling sick and food cravings and the million and one other things that become Absolutely Vital as soon as you fall pg

yomellamoHelly · 21/08/2008 19:01

Give him a chance. It may just not feel that real yet. His view may change when you both go for the first scan and see your lo bouncing about, or even later when your bump starts to grow.
With ds1 we conceived him straight away and we patted ourselves on the back for starting the next phase of our lives and that was that (we were dead matter of fact about it) but hadn't a clue what we were letting ourselves in for.
Ds2 took 15 months to conceive and both of us were beginning to doubt our abilties by the time we got a bfp and so were overjoyed.
This time (am 6 weeks) we were both kind of underwhelmed - conceived dc3 the first cycle. We haven't had time to imagine life with 3 or consider the practicalities etc. I didn't expect it to be so easy. Plus I'm not really showing (I hope) so nothing's changed. We are slowly adjusting to the idea though and you both will too. You two just have different views of the situation.

Have to join all the others though and say dh has never got into the pg books either.

domesticslattern · 21/08/2008 19:15

It'll feel much more real to him when he hears a heartbeat. And very very real when he can put his hand on your belly and feel kicks.

So give him time. He has probably gone into "provider" mode and is thinking about how he is going to need to keep bringing money in, while you are in a whirl of thinking about everything else!

Swedes · 21/08/2008 19:20

Congratulations.
Huge LOL at the pregnancy book. My DP was very keen to have children, was delighted when I was pregnant but totally disinterested in the details and minor niggles of pregnancy. He is a brilliant dad.

Have you ever heard a male Mastermind competitor have Pregnancy as their specialist subject?

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