Have I nipped this in the bud?

[budnipper]

A new person started working at the same place as DH about 6-8 weeks ago, a woman who DH described to me as built like a brick shit-house and looks like a man. In the type of work DH does, this didn't surprise me as it's quite a physical job and I think you would need some muscles (or so to speak) to do it.

DH seemed to hit it off with her straight away and from what DH had said about her, she seemed to me to be really nice, just one of the lads.

Quite quickly she began confiding in DH about her relationship with her B/F who is supposedly an alcoholic and not very nice to her. She also started to get DH to do little favours for her like taking her wages around to her mums house (she lives down the road from us) on his way home. I didn't think anything of this except that she must be bloody trusting of someone she's only known for a couple of weeks. DH mentioned a tv series that he really liked so she gave him 3 video box sets to keep of that series.

Earlier on this week DH had a car accident close to work when he was on his way home. He was on a half day as he had an appointment to get to. This woman very kindly lent him her car for the afternoon, telling him he would have to pick her up at the end of her working day and that she might be able to borrow her sisters car for a few days so that he could have hers.

DH's neck was stiff and sore by the time he got home so I drove him to his appointment and then drove him to his work to fetch this woman. DH walked in before me and she was all beaming smiles to him, when I walked in her face just dropped. The look on her face said it all and suddenly everything became clear. All her over the top niceties seemed to have good intentions but I really don't think they were, not judging by the look on her face. This was the first time I had met her and she was far from the ugly man-a-like that DH had described.

Yesterday DH phoned me on his mobile by mistake. I listened at first because I thought it was funny hearing him talking to himself but then I could hear her voice too. I heard him talking to her in the same stupid voice that he talks to me in, and just talking to her in a way that I've never heard before. At one stage she got a bit of dust in her eye (yeah right!) and the concern he had for her was unbelievable. It actually made me feel sick hearing my husband talking to another woman with such a closeness that obviously I thought only he and I had.

When I picked him up and asked him about his day he lied and told me that he had been working all afternoon with one of the other guys.

Not being able to bottle it up I confronted him last night. He says that there is absolutely nothing going on, he doesn't fancy her and didn't realise he was talking to her inappropriately. He says that now he thinks about it, and with other things that have happened at work (like her shifting a cardboard box and saying to him "ooh my box is all damp"), that possibly she fancies him and that he has enjoyed the attention. He has assured me that that is as far as it has gone and it all ends now. From now on she's just a work colleague and will try his hardest to keep it that way (ie only talk to her about work related things).

Should I be worried? Have I done enough to nip this in the bud. I feel like I'm being tortured knowing that my husband is at work with this woman right now.

the damp box joke made me laugh - sorry!

I think the fact you have had a rational conversation about this is an excellent sign. I wouldn't be too concerned as it seems harmless.

Maybe keep a watching eye on him for a few weeks but be casual about it?

Damp box joke is funny........just not coming from a woman who wants to get their rocks off with your husband!!

It's not plausible that he was naive about this. He would not have felt the need to lie to you about the person he was working with if he didn't want to hide that from you.

He doesn't even have the "I knew how unreasonable you'd be if I didn't lie" defence that most assholes in this position attempt because when he lied he had no idea of your newly awakened suspicions.

I also think that his anger at your refusal to feel sorry for him is a pretty clear message that his claims to be upset for hurting you are bogus. People who are genuinely upset at hurting someone they love don't make a bigger issue of their own pain at having caused it. Nor do they get angry with the victim of their behaviour for their justifiable reaction to what has happened.

A new girl started at my dh's work and I asked him what she was like and he said "really pretty" anotherone started a few weeks later and he said she was even prettier than the one before.
It stopped me in my tracks because I don't know what I wanted from the question. I've met them and they are almost supernaturally beautiful but it still rankled that he was able to see it...what was I hoping for?
Maybe your dh thought that his only option was to tell you she was a shemale.

skidoodle I hate to say it but you're right. If he was genuinely sorry and as innocent as he made out wouldn't he have just put up with what I dished out to him as he has caused this and I was justifyably hurt, upset, angry........

I never asked DH what she was like, he just came home from work one day, said a new woman had started and that she looked like..............

Oh, balls!
Thought you were a weird childish psycho like me.....

And as for "close friends"

I think that tells you everything you need to know right there.

I know this kind of thing happens, where people who work together get drawn into "friendships" that verge on emotional affairs, but I would be concerned at how quickly he allowed it to happen.

If they were working closely on a project together for months on end I'd get it. How do you trust someone who gets themselves into this situation with someone they've just met?

I had absolutely no suspicions about DH at all until yesterday. I knew from the way her faced dropped when she saw me how she felt about DH but I had no reason to be suspicous or concerned about his behaviour until yesterday.

By the way he has tried using the 'I knew what your reaction would be like that's why I lied'.

So he's trying to paint you as paranoid and unreasonable and use that to justify his lies EVEN THOUGH you had no suspicions at all?

Jerk.

You might have a bit of a problem then...
Does your DH normally act in such a helpful manner? Would he ordinarily accept the car of another colleague, drop round their pay etc?
You might have nipped this in the bud but it doesn't mean it's over...be aware and

You're right, he has let himself get into this situation very quickly, how am I ever going to be able to trust him again? How do I know that he's not going to get himself into this kind of situation again with any other female colleagues that come along in the future?

I told him last night that I don't care how close friends they are he'd better un-close it quick.

DH is the kind of person that would do anything for anyone even if he didn't want to. He's the type of person that wouldn't have the balls to just turn around and say "no" to someone but would think of an excuse to get out of it but most of the time he can't think of an excuse quick enough.

Yikes, what a horrible and awkward situation. With regards to the 'that's why I lied' thing, when he had no reason to lie as you hadn't been suspicious (does that make sense?), I can imagine a predatory female saying (oh-so-innocently) 'I've had a lovely time this afternoon, might be best not to mention it to your wife, she might get the worng idea'. This would immediately make him defensive. Subtle and clever! Not saying this is the case of course, but it would be nice if your dh was innocent in this!

Ah, he's a pleaser! Sounds like she is too (the car lending etc), and he's responded to that. Pleasers are usually quite needy.

I've always found it difficult to trust people who don't like saying "no" to people and who lie to get around that.

Sorry, I'm not being very helpful on the "how will I trust him again?" front.

I would want to talk it through with him until he genuinely understood that what he had done was really not on (tbh I think he's just fobbing you off right now - he's upset that you're upset but doesn't think he's in the wrong in any way) and that lying to your wife and cultivating "close" friendships with virtual strangers from work is not the way to go about having a happy marriage.

I think you are in danger of making too much of this.

Yes, it sounds like she fancies him, he enjoyed the attention and got involved in flirtation.

He also lied about it. BUT if you hadn't heard him on the phone yeserday chances are thr flirtation would have come to nothing as he's not actually interested in cheating, it would have petered out and you'd never have known.

I know I have had some flirty relationships with men since being married that I haven't told my husband about and that have never, and were never going to, amount to anything, as the reality is I'm commited to my husband and family.

I am very sure that flitations go on with married poeple all the time withut totally honest discussion about this with thier spouse.

Yes, it's a risk that an affair could develop, but that is a risk all married poee live with all the time. You just have to trust and be realistic.

married poele will still fancy others, most will still flirt, some will get involved in flirty interactions with collegaues, and some will actually have affairs.

The risks are there, but one does not necessarily lead to another.

is your relationship generaly good? Are you having other problems? How commited to family life is he? These are the type of risk fcators to be considered when assessing liklihood of a flirataion becoming more.

Give him some slack about the 'lies', they were likely for an easy life and nothing more sinister.

No, no, no

Please can we lose the "predatory" female planting ideas in his head thing in Jackie Collings novels where she belongs.

He lied. He lied because he didn't want his wife to know who he'd been with. Now he's trying to blame her for his "need" to lie.

He did these things himself.

Almost all lies are for an easy life.

Yes I agree but I need to know 100% that he understands this before I could ever think about starting to trust him again.

How in the future am I not going to worry when the next female starts working with him (IYSWIM?)? I'm really not sure I can ever get over this. Not only has he betrayed my trust but he's taken the specialness of our closeness away by being close to her. I'm his wife, yet I hear him being gentle and kind to her and then he comes home and gets angry and shouts at me. Something not right there!!

I wish I had never heard the conversation and then I might never have known anything about this but the point is I did hear it and I heard my husband talking to another woman the way he shouln ONLY talk to me.

He certainly shouldn't be talking that way to a work colleague who he's only known a few weeks!!

Yes most lies are for an easy life, which covers the small insignifcant lie to the great big sinister I'm concealing something terrible lie.

Just because you lie doesn't mean it's sinister, was my point.

It's very hard to explain and justify even a small lie once caught out, and you are likely to tie him up in knots and 'catch' him out as he tries to find a reasonable reason for a lie. Which there isn't.

He lied because he didn't want to admit he was involded inflirtataions with this women.

Wrong, but probably very common.

Hurtful yes, but be realistic, it doesn't mean he was ging to have an affair. Or that he doesn't love you. or even that he fancies this women TBH.

If we beleive that no married person should ever flirt with anyone else, and if they do they should be entirely honest about the flirtation with thier spouse, then we are living in cloud cuckoo land and setting up marriages to fail against this unreachable perfection.

what is imporatnt is his commitment to you, your trust in where he would drwa then line, and communication about how these flirations can lead to more so he should be viligilant about the dangers.

Budnipper - I don't want to suggest you've done anything to deserve this but you do sound very sensitive, I am wondering if he might be picking up on your fear that he will do what someone already once did to you - and responsding to that? Perhaps he was angry because he feels you don't trust him?

I don't know if this is feasible or if you've always been very trusting of him bbefore - but he might sense that you are fearful and be unconsciously cross about that, wants to know you do trust him and therefore is punishing you for not trusting him iyswim?

I might be way off here so sorry if so. But you mentioned the previous relationship and betrayal and I wondered if it might have a bearing.

In fact I probably am way off, it sounds like you haven't given him any cause to behave in this way. I hope you can forgive the suggestion.

The problem with hearing things not meant for your ears is that they can hurt more than they should.

You say yourself that if you two could come to a joint understanding of what has happened that you could trust him again. So all you need is for him to acknowledge your perspective on this and learn enough about himself to not repeat this mistake.

That's by no means unattainable.

The closeness you two share is surely not something so fragile that it can truly be made less special by his workplace flirtation with this woman?

As hurtful as it must have been to hear, it does stand to reason that it would be familiar to your ears: his relationship with you is the central relationship in his life. In any flirtatious situation like this he is bound to replicate that. It would alarm me more if he sounded like a different person with someone else, if the way he spoke to her was special rather than just a cheap and lazy facsimile of how he is with you.

He's shouting at you because he thinks you're being unreasonable. He wants to be able to look all sad about your pain and then carry on as before. To be fair, what he's done isn't that big a deal in the scheme of things, as Communion has pointed out. But that doesn't mean it doesn't matter or that you don't deserve to have it properly dealt with.