I'm getting fed up of feeding my friend and her kids

[namechangedforthisone]

Last year a friend of mine split with her partner and she hasnt seen a penny from him since. He left her with some debts and she went through a rough time while sorting out benefits etc.

During this time I invited her round for tea about twice a week as she was struggling with managing her money and feeding her boys. This was fine and she soon found her feet.

Anyway, about 3 months ago she started droping around with her boys at tea time on occasion and I would feed them all them. This has become a bit of a regular occurence this last 6 weeks.........last week she popped up twice and on one occasion we had eaten early and she didnt even cross the threshold just gave me a phone number for something I needed which she could have easily txt me.

Anyway today she phoned about 2pm and asked what i was doing and i told her i was making a big chilli and the convo moved on. 5.25 she turns up with her boys and they head staright to the kitchen. Id just dished up mine and my kids and she asked if she could have a taste....anyway I felt obliged to get her portion and her boys and she was all sit down and eat your i'll get us a bit.....cue her scooping out 3 huge portions and plonking them down. That chilli was going to be another 2 meals for us and now I have enough for 1 portion left. Really getting annoyed by her now and not sure what to do.

I think she is having money problems but thren she always has fags and hair dye......aargghhhhhh

Oh dear...
in that case I would continue to help her out with meals until she gets on her feet - but prearranged days and so you can plan in advance to cook something cheap.
You are doing the right thing in helping her to sort out her finances - sometimes people need a bit of organising.
Don't be too hard on her for the fags, but suggest she switches to rollies? a 20 a day smoker can live off £3 every 2 days on baccy, as opposed to £6 a day on fags. Of course it would be better if she quit but it's not easy. Hair dye etc is different - that's a luxury IYSWIM

Part of the help-plan could be to get her to enrol on an NHS quit smoking programme. If she goes to anyone about her finances, the amount she spends on ciggies will be the first thing they will expect her to sort out.

If she cannot afford to feed her children, she has to cut out anything which can in any way be considered a luxury and that includes cigarettes (much as they might be an emotional prop at the moment) and hair dye.

namechanged - started reading this thread earlier and then have just come back to it to see you have spoken to her.

What a good friend you are. It must be a weight off her shoulders to have everything out in the open with you.

No it is not nice turning up all the time at someones house and expecting to be fed and I cannot blame you for getting fed up especially since she can find the money to buy cigs and hair dye. Perhaps she thinks in for a penny in for a pound when buying provisions though and putting it on the credit card.

I agree with kat re helping with feeding her and her children - but perhaps as she says with cheaper meals i.e. maybe you could do a load of jacket spuds with beans and cheese etc.

I hope her mess can be sorted.

look, if you honestly can't afford to feed her and her kids yourself - and it sounds like you can't - or you have too much on your plate yourself to cook for so many all the time, then you are doing the right thing by giving her financial help.

by all means, help her sort her financial mess as best you can and make sure she sees a lone parent advisor about making sure she's getting all the benefits she can.

but you wouldn't have posted this at all if it weren't straining you to feed them all.

i know we certainly couldn't afford to feed 3 extra mouths that often. we truly couldn't.

stay firm if you don't want to keep this up.

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP! it's not your fault, however sad her predicament.

and yes, i was addicted to fags and booze.

Dh is addicted to fags, even if they don't cost all that much because he smokes rollies and gets the baccy at half price from an Eastern European work colleague.

but he would give them up in a split second if he couldn't provide his kids with even a hot plate of beans and toast with cheese on top.

help her out with cheap meal plans and phoning banks and getting any more benefit she's entitled to.

How about going down to the local supermarket with her and buying as many buy one get one free deals as poss and letting her have a few? (apologies if you need to do this tofeed your own). On days you invite her round do cheaper meals suvh as baked potato or cheese on toast with a tin of soup?

I feel for her but she has been dodging the issue - why isn't she etting any money fro the dcs father? why doesn't he see his kids (and feed them)?

Message withdrawn

also, maybe some suggestions on how she can make a cheap hot meal?

spuds with baked beans and cheese melted on top.

spagetti and toast with cheese.

tuna casserole.

etc.

Namechanged, make sure she is getting all she entitled to. Entitledto.co.uk or .com
How long have you known her? Some people are shit with money.
I run a car, always have full cupboards and money and gas and electric, my food eating friend never has any money, has gone bankrupt, lets bank charges eat up her money and her dd told me yesterday that they owe £40 for school swimming lessons that are meant to be paid weekly...but of course, they always have fags and take aways etc...we have the same sort of income.
Anyway. TRY NOT to shoulder this as your responsibility as it ISNT.
Do not loan her any money. If needbe, buy value bread and beans and feed them with that, if you cant bear to be brutal.

Someone mentioned the Citizens' Advice Bureau. They would be much better qualified to sort out your friend's financial mess. It could be a life saver for her. No offence to your abilities but it sounds like a lot to sort out. You could try and go with her if that helps.

Oh the poor Woman. It sounds like she is desperate, let's not begrudge her a few fags FGS. I think you are being such a kind friend and I think the cheap menu options are a fantastic idea.
Imagine not being able to afford to feed your kids for a moment before we judge her too fast hey?

Excellent post, charlie.

It amazes me how brazenly cheeky some people are - unbelievable. If I were you I would try to ignore her for a while. If she phones - don't mention you are cooking as she might just take that as an invitation for her to come round. Real friends don't free load all the time.

you might take it that you cook better than she does. She needs to sort herself out. I would talk to her baout it

Imagine not being able to feed your kids, going round peoples houses on the scrounge and then spending a fiver on fags is what this boils down to...really, and it is bloody annoying. Even when its your very best friend in the world.

I'm sorry for her that she's in a bad situation but if this were me I would not be dumping my problems on friends....it's cringeworthy.

crush - i've been in that position - I didn't go around to friends houses - and I certianly didn't let XH have fags if there was no money for food.

agree with expat & charlie.

your friend maybe in diar straites, if you can possibly afford £10 - you can fill up on loads of value stuff for her to feed the children with. you shouldn't have to thou I appreciate that. she's prob banking on you not wanting to see her DC's go without a meal, which to be fair none of us would see another person go without food if we had enough to share - but times are hard for us all at the mo.

a cheap meal I did in the week -

value pasta (19p 500g bag)
value tom sauce (29p) (too lazy to make it but tin of value toms prob ok)
bit of cheese. chopped ham if they have it - I used 2 slices out of a 99p pack - so say 20p.

Meal for all of them - will be v filling for under £1. I added various veg (peppers, squash, green beans, red onion,toms to mine as well) but have frozen half - and also trying to keep DS's intake of F&F up.

there's a point actually - what about her HE vouchers? I use mine 2 weekly, and get enough veg with £6 for 2 weeks incl potatoes. if you go at hte right times and get things cheaper, you can use it and freeze the meals if that makes sense?

Get your mate to go to the Doctor and get put on Champix tablets (or equivelent) to give up smoking. THey are working for me and several 'proper' smoker friends. Is saving me £5.50 every day and a half as it is a prescription charge every month. I am also stressed out of my mind about various things at the moment (que smallest violin in the world) but am still managing to give up so she can too- [smug emoticon].

You are being a really good friend and your mate is lucky to have you [sheds a little tear emoticon]. Can you be my pal too- I've fallen out with most of mine because I'm so short tempered after giving up afore mentioned fags [sheepish emoticon]?