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Original poster

I'm getting fed up of feeding my friend and her kids

68 replies

namechangedforthisone · 20/08/2008 20:19

Last year a friend of mine split with her partner and she hasnt seen a penny from him since. He left her with some debts and she went through a rough time while sorting out benefits etc.

During this time I invited her round for tea about twice a week as she was struggling with managing her money and feeding her boys. This was fine and she soon found her feet.

Anyway, about 3 months ago she started droping around with her boys at tea time on occasion and I would feed them all them. This has become a bit of a regular occurence this last 6 weeks.........last week she popped up twice and on one occasion we had eaten early and she didnt even cross the threshold just gave me a phone number for something I needed which she could have easily txt me.

Anyway today she phoned about 2pm and asked what i was doing and i told her i was making a big chilli and the convo moved on. 5.25 she turns up with her boys and they head staright to the kitchen. Id just dished up mine and my kids and she asked if she could have a taste....anyway I felt obliged to get her portion and her boys and she was all sit down and eat your i'll get us a bit.....cue her scooping out 3 huge portions and plonking them down. That chilli was going to be another 2 meals for us and now I have enough for 1 portion left. Really getting annoyed by her now and not sure what to do.

I think she is having money problems but thren she always has fags and hair dye......aargghhhhhh

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 20/08/2008 21:51

Sounds like she is in real dire straits money wise.
It must be awful to feel unable to feed you own children.
Maybe she thought you were inviting her earlier?
Either way, she seems not to know how you feel, so you need to make sonme ubtle hints eg shall we come round to yours next? or shall we go half ewach on a picnic?

expatinscotland · 20/08/2008 21:52

she still has money for fags, mrsr.

mrsruffallo · 20/08/2008 21:54

But they're friends, have been a while by the sound of it
I know what you mean tho', am just trying to imagine if it were a friend of mine, I would hope it wasn't all pre meditated iyswim

expatinscotland · 20/08/2008 21:55

yes, well, being friends doesn't pay your bills and namedchanged is a lone parent with bills to pay, too.

Dior · 20/08/2008 21:57

Message withdrawn

JumpingDizzy · 20/08/2008 22:12

I have a friend a bit like this but luckily I live next door to a shop so say go get some sugar etc.. so I at least get something back. If not for this I'd say I can't feed you both (she has 1 dc)

MadBadandDangeroustoKnow · 20/08/2008 22:28

I had a friend too who would (after I had had her child for 'a couple of hours' which turned out to mean eight) come to collect her child and then tell me that she'd arranged for her husband to meet her here. Husband would turn up just as we were dishing up dinner, amid comments about 'I don't know what we'll be having for dinner - mind you, it'll be very late by the time we get home'. Cue hasty attempt to stretch a meal for three to feed six.

I wish I'd had the gumption to follow any of the suggestions here!

everlong · 21/08/2008 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bronze · 21/08/2008 08:34

Next time she asks you what you're doing or having for dinner tell her ' I'm trying to think what to have because we've got nothing in and we're skint. Any ideas?'

Original poster
namechangedforthisone · 21/08/2008 09:06

I thank you all for your comments. She is a good friend and prior to her split was never the sort to behave like this.....she was very frivilous in fact.

I am very very tempted by the chicken option because it's just so hard to just come right out with it. Perhaps preempting the next time though is the best option. I shall rinh her later today and have a 'chat'

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/08/2008 09:15

how about texting what aitch suggested?

'sorry, really embarrassed, but very skint. can't offer meals anymore. hope you understand. xfakeid'

expatinscotland · 21/08/2008 09:15

because seriously, bills are going up and you're on your own, too.

LackaDAISYcal · 21/08/2008 09:34

this does sound like an wawkward situation, but if you value her friendship then i think you need to chat about it. Invite her over for a coffee and try and explain how hard you are finding things and maybe suggest some things than can help you both.

The shopping "together" could be a good solution. I was watching a programme and two next door neighbours would each do a shop and then they would swap any "BOGOF" they had bought. Seemed like a good idea to me and they said it saved them loads of money.

then maybe you could suggest a meal together once a week after that shop?

expatinscotland · 21/08/2008 09:35

yeah, if anything, it saves you cooking for so many so often.

before you chat, it might be wise to decide what will work best for you: suggesting cooking together, swapping evenings at each other's homes for tea, keeping things separate, etc.

branflake81 · 21/08/2008 09:56

To be honest it probably hasn't occurred to her that it pisses you off. If it has become a regular thing which you have never complained about, she may genuinely not realise and is not deliberately taking the piss. You just need to have a polite and friendly word with her.

Ripeberry · 21/08/2008 10:05

Sorry, but just tell her straight that you can't afford to feed her and her brood.
If they like the food you make, give her the recipies!
You cannot keep on like this, she is NOT hard up as she still has the luxury of ciggaretes.
She sounds like she is back on her feet but still has her fangs in your neck, bleeding you dry.
She needs to take responsibility for her own life now.
As others have said, just cook earlier in the day if you are doing BIG batches and only cook enough for your familly in the evenings.
If she went to my freezer and had a look to see what there was i would go ballistic!

oops · 21/08/2008 10:12

Message withdrawn

Elf · 21/08/2008 10:22

May I add, if you don't want to get caught up in this sharing shopping, cooking situation then don't. It sounds fraught with difficulties to me, especially with someone with such a dodgy track record.

I'd keep it simple - do you want her for tea once a week? If so, be brave and tell her that's what you'd like to do from now on. If you don't want her round at all at meal times, you'll have to be brave again. Be clear but kind. Texting sound good if you are scared but think of the wording carefully, don;t be too abrupt if you still want her friendship!

I also agree with Branflake81.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone · 21/08/2008 10:42

gawd cringe cringe cringe

she just phoned me and mentioned popping over later so I just blurted out 'not for food I hope'.....cue hideous awkward silence. Anyway, then she started crying and gawd - its a mess, she's in a real mess. She'd been doing some work for a friend of a friend for cash and thats the only way she could afford all her bills (I know, I know)....anyway with it being summer holidays shes not be able to and now is up to her over draft and has bankcharges piled on etc. Any money going in is swallowed up straight away.

She's been putting bread, milk, butter cereal, and cheese etc on her credit card and hasnt money to feed them a hot meal so says shes been table hopping all summer hols with me, her mum, sister, nextdoor neighbour etc and another friend

had no clue it was this bad

told her to bring all her bills, statements over and we'd go through it this afternoon and make some phone calls....maybe to the bank?

what a mess

OP posts:
Freckle · 21/08/2008 10:54

But she still manages to buy cigarettes?? Well, she certainly has her priorities sorted, doesn't she?

How about helping her to menu-plan? Re her financial situation, go with her to CAB and ask for their help. They are very experienced at helping clients to sort out their finances, arranging repayment plans, etc.

Aitch · 21/08/2008 10:55

oh WHAT a shame, the poor woman. you're being a good friend, don't cringe, she needs practical help. it must be hard, for both of you. have you ever looked at www.lovefoodhatewaste.com/?
well done for broaching it, she obviously needed someone to do it. and it's not like you're backing away from her, you're helping, that's all you can do. well done.

melontum · 21/08/2008 10:56

You're a good friend, namechanger. Maybe the fags are the only thing holding the poor woman's nerves together, eh?

Aitch · 21/08/2008 10:57

ahem... yes about the fags. so hard to give up, though, when you're stressed. much as i know that's bogus, it does feel that way.

LackaDAISYcal · 21/08/2008 10:58

oh, poor you and poor her if things are this bad

I hope you can help her get things back on track and sort something out so that she isn't getting herself further and further into debt.

You sound like a pretty good friend to have around

MrsTittleMouse · 21/08/2008 11:05

Oh dear.
The good news though is that it's out in the open, so you can help her sort out her finances. And now you can talk honestly about how much you can afford to feed her and her children without her trying to manipulate the situation, or you getting resentful.