Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To what extent do you avoid people who are going through difficuties?

37 replies

objectivity · 19/08/2008 20:51

If you were really very honest, in RL do you avoid the parents who are probably struggling in some way?

OP posts:

peacelily · 19/08/2008 21:02

No I don't, I had problems and was ignored by the local mothers mafia, it was horrible, like being back at school being excluded from everything by the in gang.

Those parents were idiots and made the first few months of dds life hard for me because I was so actively rejected.

I never want anyone to have the same experience and I deliberately steer clear of anything that resembles cliquiness/bragging/idiot smug Mums.

GrapeJelly · 19/08/2008 21:09

No, in fact I go out of my way to help any parents who are struggling. I've had some very difficult times and I know just how much a little bit of kindness and consideration means during the rough times. If things are bad and everyone ignores you, it makes it all seem a lot worse. Often, just knowing that people care can give you the strength and confidence to get things sorted out.

stirlingmum · 19/08/2008 21:10

I would like to think not..

Last year there was a single mum in our playground, always looked lost, thought maybe she was on or coming off drugs (could have been wrong). Nobody spoke to her much and, to be honest, it was very difficult to have a conversation with her.

But I would always offer to collect and return her dd after childrens parties as she didn't drive. Used to run her to and from some after school sport courses too.

I hope that helped her a bit

georgimama · 19/08/2008 21:10

I would like to think that I stick by my friends and family good times and bad. It could always be me next.

loulousingstheblues · 19/08/2008 21:15

kind of depends
if I have a previous relationship then obviously I wouldn't abandon them
someone I don't know? Like to think I would make an effort but it can be hard knowing what to say let alone do

loulousingstheblues · 19/08/2008 21:16

how do you tell when someone is struggling if you don't know them well enough to ask or for them to say?

prettyfly1 · 19/08/2008 22:12

how about never. sorry but what? i have an intense dislike for the mums who do this. i have had hard times and have helped out others in hard times. two key phrases come to mind. 1. there but for the grace of god go i - i would really like to think someone would help me and would also like to think i treat others as i wish to be treated so help out accordingly. 2. I like kids. If a parent is struggling 99 % of the time so is the child. Anyone who would obviously leave a child to struggle as well as a parent is quite apparently not very nice, ignorant, selfish, naive and narrow minded.
rant done

GivePeasAChance · 19/08/2008 22:14

To OP.

I have done this.

To all other posters.

I am sorry

I am generally quite nice but sometimes.......FFS!

GooseyLoosey · 19/08/2008 22:17

I would want to help but sometimes, I would just not know how to and this (not the person in trouble) would make me feel akward.

morocco · 19/08/2008 22:24

I hope I don't. I try to do the opposite tbh, and offer a friendly smile etc. but plenty of people are fair weather friends, doesn't make them nasty people. why the question?

Original poster

objectivity · 19/08/2008 22:26

I wondered because although I always always look very sorted at the school gates and am eloquent and stuff, I think the cracks are beginning to show (I'm quite open with people as a rule) and I wonder if I'll be at all ostracised. I know other mothers who I help/give lifts to and so on who do get a little left out by the majority.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 19/08/2008 22:28

This happened to me when i had pnd with ds1. makes me sad to think of it even now.

prettyfly1 · 19/08/2008 22:36

objectivity - if someone does that to you they are not worth knowing love and stick with the people who support you - its an old cliche but when the chips are down you find out who your friends are!

GivePeasAChance · 19/08/2008 22:49

To clarify my earlier post - if it is marriage problems you are talking about I always feel a little strange - I will support/listen but don't want to get involved and pass judgement IYKWIM (unless there is violence probably). Doesn't mean to say I will ostracise people who are having marital problems, just that I don't see what I can do to actually help.

I don't like giving advice is probably what I meant. I find it generally to be useless !

Original poster

objectivity · 19/08/2008 22:53

I know I asked for personal reasons but I do also wonder about the mothers who blatantly disregard the mothers I know are struggling, and I know they know too.

One friend of mine has kicked out her long term alcoholic violent partner and is to the best of her abilities a marvellous mother as far as I can see. She has huge problems with her dc and behaviour and her eldest is a real delinquent. It isn't her fault though and I just think she needs help not judgement, but it is only me and a couple of other mums that actually do bother to talk or offer lifts and generally involve her.

OP posts:

GivePeasAChance · 19/08/2008 23:01

In my mind, you do it for her, and others do it for others. I can't imagine you know everyone's problems at the school gates and therefore there may be some that feel you are ignoring them ?

I know what you are getting at, but as long as this person is getting some help, then great but don't think you can judge others for not helping her too - you just don't know what is going on in their lives.

Original poster

objectivity · 19/08/2008 23:03

Yes, true. I think it is the slightly fearful way people stand back though. Y'know as if bad experiences are catching..?

OP posts:

melsy · 19/08/2008 23:06

I think many people just dont want to know , cant be bothered with the seriousness of other peoples circumstance and honestly dont know what to say or do (and also feel they are intruding). Ive certainly found that in my experiences along the way with starting a family and the ensuing health issues all round.

I was pretty much left in my house alone for days at a time at various stages, with no adult/social contact and very small children. Yet I knew quite a lot of mothers and families in the area.

May be many didn't really know what was happening?

If I was very aware of someone I know in difficulty, Id like to think I would want to listen and help.

You know what I find , many are embarrassed to let on that they need it. They may let someone in for a brief moment and then shut them out again. I think weve all been taught to be far to self sufficient in this society and therefore don't know or are shit scared of asking for support.

HappypillsGalore · 19/08/2008 23:17

depends on the difficulties doesnt it
and how much you have to give at any one time
i like to think id be a friend to someone who needed it
but we dont always have that much of ourselves left to give
and how do you know how much they will need?

ive wondered this too, btw
have had mental health ishoos
and struggled to visibly cope on the surface, for the sake of appearances

what do you mean by struggling? and are you projecting blame for your own misfortune/difficulties onto people you know nothing about? coz that is i risk, you know.

GivePeasAChance · 19/08/2008 23:19

Not catching. However if I am honest, even tonight, I have been putting off meeting a friend (which is why I replied to this thread) because she is going through a divorce and it consumes everything we do and is the only topic of conversation whenever we meetn(she instigated etc). After 2 years I do think that there is nothing much more I can say. I do listen and in fact am meeting her on Friday, but still I am not looking forward to it. The words 'move' and 'on' consume me. Don't know what that says about me, but I guess it's not that good!

Oh. As I've written that, I am in fact contradicting my first line - I do in fact find that misery draws me into misery so maybe you are right it is catching for me !!

HappypillsGalore · 19/08/2008 23:23

i have noticed, in my almost lifelong struggle with depression [bored of it now!!!] that during 'ok' times, close proximity to the misery of others will slam me down with a rude shove.
so at times, in order not to slit my own wrists, i have mentally turned away from the awfulness in the lives of others.
now thats honesty for you
since you ask

CountessDracula · 19/08/2008 23:24

No way

Original poster

objectivity · 19/08/2008 23:24

Well, I'm talking about a village school with 65 on roll so we all pretty much know what's going on with each other to some extent. People know some stuff about me as I do about them. Admittedly there are some parents who look ok but might not be because they turn up before going off to work and don't stick around for long, but I mean the ones we know are lone parents or widowed. It is a friendly school by and large but I know a widowed father there who has a handful of friends but you just see the wariness in people of anyone who is even vaguely outside the 2.4 kids, nice car, house stereotype.

This is gettign a little subjective I guess, but you knwo when you just know who doesn't have it as easy as the majority and you see the mums/dads who think all is rosy but know their luck could change anyday, and the way they fear it and those people who havw the livs they don't really want.

Oh waht;s that old cliche thing about people who are separating and married couples who were friends run for the hills in case they get whacked by the adulterous stick like it is leprosy.

Or soemthing

OP posts:

Soapbox · 19/08/2008 23:29

I have some special friends in my life, from a time when I needed their support very, very much. I like to think that I pay it forward by being a friendly and non-judgemental ear to those people who might be having difficult times.

If any of my friends were going through difficult times, nothing would keep me from being there for them.

I find it remarkably easy to do, you just have to sit and listen and behave like a human being.

GivePeasAChance · 19/08/2008 23:34

I think you are right - this is getting a bit subjective. And I know EXACTLY what you mean about the leprosy thing - I had a friend who was unfaithful to her husband and I felt like I was being unfaithful when I told my DH - wierd !

Flip

1 2