I just found out he slept with his colleague 6 weeks ago three weeks before our sodding wedding....

[cheatedon]

The problem is he didn't even tell me, I found a text message on his phone 2 days after our wedding (3 weeks ago) which he sent on our wedding day to her, it said "thanks that means a lot coming from you.....xxxx" I asked him about it and he broke down saying he had a 5 week affair with this girl from work, it was over and everything he said at the wedding was true, he loves me etc etc. I have been utterly devastated and would have kicked him out had we not had our 2 beautiful boys and been on our crappy honeymoon. Talked and talked, returned from our honeymoon and decided not to tell anyone, he rang work and said he wasn't going back (I asked him to) and told them why (shes a temp and will leave soon), they said "fine, work from home".
It just cuts to the core of me as he knows how devasted I was when my Dad had an affair when I was a kid and left, I had a breakdown because of it. I said that if he had an affair (coz things happen) then I had certain things that meant it would be over forever, one was not getting involved (he did for five weeks), telling me if he was unfaithful (he didn't, I found out), not to have unprotected sex (he did).
Am I just being stupid to think that he even will be faithful from now on? I keep reading other posts and seeing "he did it again" etc. Is it even possible to get over an affair?

Just wanted to say you are a stronger person than I. I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who had done that to me.

And it wouldn't be you "tearing your family apart, breaking your dc's hearts" over a sordid affair, it would be HIM. You are not to blame.

I would though wouldn't I? I don't have any control over what he did, but I do have control over my future and how I react to it. The whole future of my family lays in my hands. I can choose to either get over it or not.....He wants to stay with us, so we could potentially mend our relationship and have a marriage, or I could end it all and have a broken family....

Oh I admire you for trying your hardest to keep your family together and I really do hope it works out for you. Yes, you don't have control over what he did, but you now have some control over what happens from now on.

If the worst does come to the worst - then at least you know you will have fought for your relationship/familiy.

Thanks mutha. I was very much in the 'I would throw him out' camp, but life just doesn't always work out like that. TBH I can't quite believe he's still here, in our house, but I know it's best for the dc's at the moment. It's hard hearing other people's points of view, but I need to hear it really as I have chosen not to tell most friends.....He's far from being 'off the hook' in terms of keeping his family, and keeping me. As time goes on I;m not sure I can do it, but like you say at least I won't look back and regret how I've handled it. I am trying my best....

Hello cheatedon. I am so sorry for you. I think the only thing you can do now is 'suck it and see'. You clearly want to make this marriage work as it sounds as if you love your husband very much. Don't pressurise yourself into having to make any decisions now. Just take every day as it comes. You need to be sure that nothing is happening now and he means what he says. You can only know that over time and experience. If that happens then over time the hurt will fade.

I admire you cheatedon.

I always assumed that would be it if my DH had an affair but we have been through so much cr*p that I wouldn't throw it all away for that. (He hasn't btw)

It takes a lot to take someone back and I applaud you for it.

I really hope the rest of your married life is a strong and happy one.

Cheatedon, I admire you for trying to find the strength to keep it together after he has done this.
You obviously don't want to split your family and I hope in time you can get over this and become stronger from it.

However, and I will probably get flamed for this, I cannot understand this attitude of the bitch slapper other woman and the poor, misguided man. He was the one who was married, who had children, not her.

Chocolatemummy all your posts have been aggressive towards the other woman, who I agree is hardly the epitome of virtue, but it is in fact the husband who has done the cheating. Why is the OW seen as the cold manipulative cow, and the husband just a stupid gormless puppy being led astray?

He should be the one to take responsability for what has happened, not her.

frankiesbestfriend - I agree with you re. the unmarried woman always being the one who gets shat upon. Look at how this happens in the media:

Siena Miller - she has been labelled the slapper when it was Balthazar who was married with 4 kids

Rebecca Loos - I cannot believe how stupid cow (IMO) Sharon Osborne belittled her on TV when it was David Beckham who was married with 3 kids

OK - I am not saying that these women should not value the sisterhood and they should DEFINITELY NOT go there, but I also think it is unfair that it always seems to be the young, free and single woman who gets slagged off and the man who doesn't.

Are there any examples where it has been the other way round. Are there any examples of men who have pulled women away from a marriage with kids. I bet if the latter happened it would be the woman who got slagged off again for leaving her kids....

Moving on from the lively debate re those self-deluding women who target idiot men who shag them despite being in relationships ...

Can not recommend counselling enough. If you can understand WHY this happened, and then decide whether you want to put it behind you, make a go of it, and WHY you want to do that, then your relationship could actually be stronger. But you both have to be clear about what you will and won't accept within the relationship, then respect those agreements and move on once and for all. If you're going to make it work, commit to it. Likewise, if you decide to split, make it the best split you can.

Really hope you can sort this out and one day be happy together again.

That's exactly what I was talking about, KiwiKat, 'Self deluding women who target idiot men'.

Married men are often the 'predator' too, not poor idiots 'targeted' by scheming harlots. Sheesh

I think everyone loses out in these situations, frankie. The wife, obviously, for believing in a relationship that is worth less than she believes; the ow, for settling for less than an honest relationship, and being despised by anyone who finds out what's going on; and the man because he has himself is devaluing his own relationship, and will be losing respect for his partner as he continues to lie to her. Crap all round.