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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just found out he slept with his colleague 6 weeks ago three weeks before our sodding wedding....

61 replies

cheatedon · 18/08/2008 16:26

The problem is he didn't even tell me, I found a text message on his phone 2 days after our wedding (3 weeks ago) which he sent on our wedding day to her, it said "thanks that means a lot coming from you.....xxxx" I asked him about it and he broke down saying he had a 5 week affair with this girl from work, it was over and everything he said at the wedding was true, he loves me etc etc. I have been utterly devastated and would have kicked him out had we not had our 2 beautiful boys and been on our crappy honeymoon. Talked and talked, returned from our honeymoon and decided not to tell anyone, he rang work and said he wasn't going back (I asked him to) and told them why (shes a temp and will leave soon), they said "fine, work from home".
It just cuts to the core of me as he knows how devasted I was when my Dad had an affair when I was a kid and left, I had a breakdown because of it. I said that if he had an affair (coz things happen) then I had certain things that meant it would be over forever, one was not getting involved (he did for five weeks), telling me if he was unfaithful (he didn't, I found out), not to have unprotected sex (he did).
Am I just being stupid to think that he even will be faithful from now on? I keep reading other posts and seeing "he did it again" etc. Is it even possible to get over an affair?

OP posts:
GrinningGorilla · 18/08/2008 21:09

cheatedon,I feel sad for you with all this. For your own sanity make sure you don't bump into the bitch that thought it was ok to sleep with your fiance, and you must impress on your hubby he has ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with her. No text, email, face to face, nothing at all. IF he wants to make things work he has a lot of making up to do. You will feel betrayed and hurt for a long time, be kind to yourself and your kids. Remember you and your kiddies arent to blame.

Please get checked out for STD's, you've no way of knowing who else that slapper's slept with apart from your hubby.

Original poster
cheatedon · 18/08/2008 22:33

Thanks guys, he has to contact her through e mail because of work, but he said I can see everything between them and I have checked, thye are all work related. SHe will be leaving soon anyway. She doesn't know that I know though, because it could make it ackward as she's been asked to leave (shes a temp and they have said it's down to budget, she doesn't know anyone knows). I feel like I want her to know that I know, but don't want to contact her, maybe just a few e mails after she's left saying "do you think it's okay to sleep with someones fiance who has two gorgeous kids and risk tearing that apart because you can't keep ya knickers on and have to offer ya self on a fecking plate". But obviously that would be stupid...

OP posts:
Original poster
cheatedon · 18/08/2008 22:34

grinning, there's no way I would bump into her, and he has agreed to absolutely no contact and will not actually see her in person at all.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 18/08/2008 22:42

Not trying to excuse him, because I think what he did was outrageous - but do you think it could possibly have been a bit of a wobble about being married and 'tied down' for the rest of his life?

Even if he loves you to pieces, the prospect of marriage could have been a bit overwhelming.

He was an arse to do this, but if it was about such concerns, then it would at least have been a short-lived thing.

It does sound as if he is truly in love with you and that he does want to make it work.

Relate (or other counselling) would be a good idea though, as you can really talk things through properly.

CountessDracula · 18/08/2008 22:59

Oh
That's exactly what I was going to say

You poor poor thing, what a nightmare. What a shit time to do something so awful (not that there is a good time buy YKWIM)

He sounds like he is genuinely sorry and wants to try and atone. It must be very hard for you though

Original poster
cheatedon · 18/08/2008 23:05

Thanks, yeah I think he is geniunely sorry and the couple of friends that we have chosen to tell and know him think so too. It absolutely was a 'getting married' thing too, last chance saloon....He was flattered that someone actually made a pass at him too ...We're taking it one day at a time....really missing the intimacy though , anger mostly gone, just sad now. So happy that we're trying though when we are playing with the kids and see him with them...It could have been so different...I'm quite proud of myself for making the decision to stick with it when every inch of my body was wanting to kick him out of my life....initially trying it for the kids, now trying it for me and the kids...early days tho, only been married for three bloody weeks!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/08/2008 23:08

he had a 5 week affair and obviously fed her enough rope to keep her thinking there was something more in it and it was a 'getting married' thing?

please get yourself to the GUM clinic.

NOW.

i hope she's not pregnant.

cannottellyoumyname · 19/08/2008 07:20

i hope she's not pregnant.

Nothing like trying to cheer the OP up, eh?

Seabright · 19/08/2008 09:28

Agree that he (and you) must go to a GUM clinic. He must show you his result so that you know (a) he's really been and (b) he's in the clear for everything. He'll need an HIV test now and again in 3 months time, as it doesn't show up immediatly - I don't want to worry you, but I want him to know how serious his fling could be.

Is she still ringing him? If so, make him change is mobile number and make him give you the old SIM card so you know he can't take calls from her.

Good luck

Original poster
cheatedon · 19/08/2008 09:30

She's not pregnant I'm pretty sure of that from what he says.
She has got cancer though and he said that the reason it went on was because he tried to finish with her and then she punched the wall and said she had cancer he felt sorry for her and the affair continued [anger].....he finished it a few weeks later. Maybe a ploy to keep him, I don't know and don't really care at this point...
Had a bad night last night as I nearly slept with him, not sure how I can do that after everything. Certainly can't do it till he's been checked out at GUM clinic anyway. If he's clear I guess I would be too?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheatedon · 19/08/2008 09:46

x posts, thanks seabright...he knows about the tests he needs and that I won't let anything happen between us until we have results, I think it has freaked him out, which is a good thing, shame it didn't before he slept with her.
She hasn't rung him since last Monday when she rang to ask why he wasn't at work, he didn't answer and told me stright away. They have to e mail but its all work related and he's let me see them. It's a bit difficult as she has to leave and his office don't want her to think its because of the affair (shes a temp), shes just the sort to say it was unfair dismissal too, silly tart.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 19/08/2008 17:41

Please have your own test too even his are clear. Yes they are horrid but you will feel so much better knowing you are clear too.

Dont forget there are lots of things that dont always show up - cervical cancer can be caused by the hpv virus - it is common but can take years to devolop so make sure you have a smear test too.

Men really have no idea really about the implications of such diseases as most of them are easily treated in men but can have awful consequenses for woman. Not sure how they will ever be able to teach them actually.

Take care

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 19/08/2008 17:44

If you found out after the wedding he had cheated, did you feel the wedding was a sham at the time, or you do now?

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 19/08/2008 17:46

I think you have a choice to make -

You decide to put it behind you and you don't bring it up or throw it in his face. He says sorry and you move on.

He leaves.

Also, get a new number for his phone.

Original poster
cheatedon · 20/08/2008 22:31

Having a realy bad day today, feeling totally crap. The bitch has been contacting him, going on about how she's moved on and it was all a mistake....I should be glad I suppose but I know she's doing it to get a reaction from him. I was having a bad day anyway, but came home from work and he had made me a lovely dinner and has arranged to take me out on Friday. He showed me the e mails from her, which he hasn't replied to....
Just feeling it's not worth the effort today....
Yes, ImnotmamaG, I did feel the wedding was a complete sham, however when I look in his eyes and he's crying saying he meant every fecking word he said in the church coz it was over with her....I believe it, I want to believe it......then I have a crap day like today, and think how can I be so f**king stupid, mumsnet is full of women being lied to by stupid, dick driven, wanker, lying, basturd, sad, middle aged men.....why would my life be any different?

OP posts:
electra · 20/08/2008 22:34

oh How awful for you xx

Heated · 20/08/2008 22:36

The right response is no response from your hb re the emails - that sends its own message.

TheGreatScootini · 20/08/2008 22:40

Nothing to add really.But thinking of you.I think you are very very brave to even try and hang in there.I wouldnt be able to do it.Or if I could, it wouldnt work as I wouldnt be able to stop making angry comments all the time.So much respect to you.

When does the woman leave work?Cant be soon enough really.

Original poster
cheatedon · 20/08/2008 22:40

Yeah, I think ignoring her will make her stop, although she's a bit of a bunny boiler....

OP posts:
skidoodle · 20/08/2008 23:21

They always are aren't they? Bunny boilers, I mean?

Somehow all these men are choosing to have sex with women that are so deranged that they make the men act totally out of character and then turn into psychos when the poor man comes to his senses.

The term "bunny boiler" comes from a nasty, misogynistic movie about a woman who refuses to just become invisible when she becomes inconvenient to the man she was having a relationship with.

Your H sent her a loving text message on your WEDDING DAY! How on earth does that square with it being over with her and him meaning every word?

He's crying because he got caught and his ignoring of her shows how easy he finds it to discard a person once they've become an inconvenience to him.

dittany · 20/08/2008 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 20/08/2008 23:36

Wow. I feel sorry for you.

You had NO idea your partner was in the middle of a sexual affair with somebody else, that he admittedly was besotted with, leading up to your wedding, and that he is messaging with ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. How do you know it was really over before your wedding? Why call him if it was over?

Is he as good an actor now, in his remorse, reassurances of you and his love for you, as he was when he was conducting an affair with a temp in his workplace?

You seem very mature in how you are handling this, but, I amazed that you can believe his words, when he could betray you so deeply, how he could look you in the eye on the wedding day, yet text with his mistress? Dont you find him just too perfectly remorseful, and too eager to do exactly as you say? How do you know he does not have another email account he could be emailing her from? All easy to show you his work emails, if he has already agreed with her to lie low for a while and to keep steamy stuff to another email address?

I am sorry, but you seem very nice and trusting, and I have an extremely suspicious mind.

skidoodle · 20/08/2008 23:46

Also I wonder if her cancer made her seem a little TOO needy?

I mean, that's not what you want from your bit on the side is it? A potentially terminal illness? Spoils all the fun.

Even a wife and child probably seems a blessed relief from that kind of responsibility.

Better to just arrange to have her fired and go back to playing happy families.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 08:05

I suggest he blocks her emails or gets a new address.

Original poster
cheatedon · 23/08/2008 09:35

What would you do then Skidoodle, not forgive even though he says its over and has agreed to have no contact with her because he was prepared to hand in his notice at work, says it was a mistake and he meant everything he said at the wedding.....or not get over it, feel bitter, throw him out and tear my family apart, break my dcs hearts and let the sordid little affair ruin my life for ever.....I can't think straight but for the time being he's on probation.....
I didn't mean 'bunny boiler' I was feeling angry, I'm sure she's a lovely girl deep down and forgot that he was about to get married when she kept sending him texts to say 'lets get together' and 'she will never know' and rang him 4 times on his honeymoon. I'm sure she's the victim here just as much as I am , anyway his colleague said she's already made a pass at someone else at his work place.

OP posts: