Is it REALLY harder for only children when parents fall ill/die?

[DrNortherner]

This point keeps coming up on threads about only children. I have an only ds who is 6 and I am an only though fortunatley both my parents are fit and healthy.

Of course, should either of them become ill/die I will be devastated, but would it be any easier if I had a sister or a brother? I could have a sibling who did not give a toss or who lives overseas.

I have a group of fantastic friends who would be as supportive as any sibling, if not more.

I just think it's an interesting point for discussion.

I am an only child and now technically an orphan as both my parents are dead.

What is hard is that I have no one - no one at all - who can remember my childhood with me. We did not have much of an extended family so all the adults who were around in my life as I was growing up are dead. My childhood memories are patchy and as I have moved away from my home town 20 years ago, I never see people who knew me as a child whom I can remember things with.

I do think, however, that having no relatives in my past has made me value my relationship with my dh. For better or worse I feel very much tied to him and would feel utterly adrift if we parted.

If we never saw each other again, a huge chunk of my past would go in a flash - I have known him for 23 years and he is the only person I am close to who has strong memories of my parents and has closely witnessed me getting older and our children growing up. Each of my close friends I see just a few times a year.

I have seen quite a lot of marriages and partnerships break up over the last few years - mainly colleagues at work in their 40s.

In every case the people in question had siblings they were very close to and parents or other relatives who lived near enough to be part of their day to day life. Coincidence or not?

i guess I'm lucky as I still have friends from early childhood, and plenty of family friends, so I'm never short of people to talk about events from my past with (not that I really feel the need to actually)

My father and his siblings may as well have been raised in parallel universes - the did not seem to share any memories together - if one said "remember when aunt may stayed that Christmas" another would say "no it was uncle Nigel and it was Easter" and end up falling out

The way they describe their parents is so so different that I sometime wonder if they are related at all?

He spend a lot more time talking about the past with old school friends etc

I do see tigermoths point about marraige actually

my SIL lives very near family and I sometimes think it would take days and days for her to notice if her husband disappeared

If her kids wont eat their dinner she calls her mum rather than discussing it with her husband, every Sunday she's round one of her families houses for lunch rather than having family time with her husband and kids. She even told us that she was pregnant both times the same day that she told her OH - he's very much on the sidelines.

My DP IS my family - we have grown up together (got together in uni) and I'm closer to him than I am to my mum or cousins

It is a difficult question really. I think it depends on the relationships that the 'only' child has in their lives at the time.
Dh is an only child and has lost his mum to Heart disease, very suddenly she collapsed out of the blue. This was 7 years ago(when he was 24) now and he still hasn't cried. But he does bottle everything up in his life.
He has no family at all to help him except his Dad who he wasn't close to and me and my family, who he is very close to.

His mother's death has brought him and his Father closer together, very close infact. This is the only reason I can find as to why she died, to bring them closer. You have to search for reasons when people pass away.

I must say that one of the reasons we are having our 2nd baby is to not leave ds alone.

"I must say that one of the reasons we are having our 2nd baby is to not leave ds alone"

If you raise a happy confident child he wont be "alone"

I was not alone when my father died. My DP was there being whatever I needed him to be and my best friend spend every single day with me during that time, cooked me breakfast, talked about her memories of him etc. And there were ENDLESS knocks on the door of neighbours dropping around food and all sorts of practical help.

How many siblings could be that supportive? none I'd say as they all have their own very acute grief/issues to deal with.

I have said 'one of the reasons' for having a 2nd child is so ds would not be alone. All only children are different and have different levels of support.
I am one of 3, but my sister is 6 years younger than me and I do most of the supporting for her. My brother is 2 years older and I never see him.
You were lucky to have such support.

Dh has only his Dad. My parents are now moving abroad.

I am an only child, and have always wished I'd had siblings. I think the reason I am so determined that dd will not be an only child, is not only that she has brought us so much joy that I can't imagine not having another, but that I want to experience siblings in my own family, as I never did as a child myself.

In relation to whether it would be harder when my parents die (god forbid), I don't really think about it in those terms. Maybe I should! I worry about something happening to them because I adore them both so much, and not in term of whether it would be easier if I had someone to share it with.

My best friend has an older sister that she is very close with, and we've had this discussion on occasion. She says that if something happens to her mum, her sister may be there for her, but it will be her grief, her grief alone. Her sister won't be able to lessen that grief by her very existence.

I guess a sick and dependent parent is another issue. My parents were only 18 and 20 when they had me, so it's not something I give a great deal of thought to at the moment.

I think, like so many have said that it depends on how your family is, I wouldn't want to go through the whole grieving, packing up the stuff thing without my brother. He's great and we're quite close but, I know quite a lot of families who have been torn apart by the death of parents, usually because of money/care issues and it is an ugly sight.

I should think being an only child spares you that.

Pinkjenny - Good point about wanting to enjoy the having a sibling feeling in your house. This is why I wanted to give ds and dh that experience.
Dh said at christmas time he would open his presents alone. I want him to enjoy a family life. As he didn't have a fun time as a child. His dad was in the forces. it was just him and his Mum most of the time and lots of moving around.

How can you measure how hard it is to lose someone? It's different for everyone. I come from a big family and luckily still have both parents. I have a big family too and hope they will all be there for each other in the future.

My dad's story is really sad. He is th e only surviving member of his family. Both his parents died when he was in his twenties, and since then he has lost 5 brothers - one his twin - and 2 sisters. Having a big family means he not only lost his parents, but had to go through the terrible griveing process another 7 times.
I'm sure he doesn't feel he is more hard done by than someone who didn't have siblings.

Well clearly it depends on the relationship between the siblings but assuming that there is a good relationship between them, or at least a passable one, then I'd always think having a sibling makes life an awful lot more easy in many respects. I'd also say that in my experience the number of people who have good relationships with their siblings far outweighs those who had bad relationships.

In terms of parents, yes, it certainly does make a difference (certainly in my experience). On a practical basis there is someone to share the all the practical burdens, be it simply making phone calls or visits regularly, making sure that someone is with them at Christmas or birthdays or helping organise things for them if needed.

Secondly, there is someone who knows exactly how you feel and what you're going through when times get tough with your parents, as they invariably do as they get older, be it illness or death. Even if you have the best, most wonderful partner in the world, no-one will worry about your parents as much as your sibling (or listen to your worries about them). My dad died about four months ago and it was amazing having my brother around. Not because he did everything (he didn't), not because he was calm and composed (he wasn't) but because both the practical burdens (e.g. wills, death certificates, funeral arrangements) were shared and, most importantly, the emotional burden of coping and supporting our mum was shared.

Finally, no-one has shared memories like your sibling. Of Christmases, of holidays, of childhood toys, of your parents when they were little, of favourite hiding places, of the funny noise in the attic. No-one, not your partner, your best friend, no-one. You have a unique and shared experience that will live as long as both of you and if, and when, your parents die, that will continue.

Yes, you argue, yes, you fall out and no, you don't see each other as often as you should but that doesn't make your sibling any less important in your life.

God, that post has made me feel like shit. Sorry cestlavie!!!

when my mil dies recently dh and his 5 siblings all said theyd never realised how much theyd need each other.i have 3 sisters-i cant imagine not having them.

but....
i dont think having an ill/dying parent can be easier/harder depending on if youve only child or one of ten.

Sorry pinkjenny!

Like a poster below, Mum is one of 4 but was ledt virtually alone to care for her elderly dad when nan died; one sister moved away, one brother ahs a very bad relationship with his father, one sister just says 'Oh I can't do it, I don't like him you're sooo much better at it than me'. truth told, Mum loathes her father- with good reason- and finds it ahrder than the others for simple reason of Grandad being a few miles away and Mum being the only non-driver; she gets on with it but it has been very ahrd and has caused a few issues between her and my Dad. So siblings guarantee nothing. OTOH I know with my parents that all 3 of us would gladly take them in; DH conversely wouldn't have his Mother for anything (he does have his brother living with her though) but would take his dad (but unlikely as Dad has much younger partner).

IE- there's no simple answer, all situations vary.

Sometimes I wonder whether what those who argue the point excessively really mean is it's easier for the aprents if there's a caring situation, as there's a greater chance that one would want to take on the role.

I dojn't think there's an optimum number of children- 1 or 14, it has to suit the parents.

ceatlavie, you hit it on the head for me when you say ..." no-one has shared memories like your sibling. Of Christmases, of holidays, of childhood toys, of your parents when they were little, of favourite hiding places, of the funny noise in the attic. No-one, not your partner, your best friend, no-one. You have a unique and shared experience that will live as long as both of you and if, and when, your parents die, that will continue....Yes, you argue, yes, you fall out and no, you don't see each other as often as you should but that doesn't make your sibling any less important in your life...." That is exactly what I feel I have missed out on as an only child. Not to sound too dramatic, but families die out, all families do. I have seen my original family die out - all of them except for me. Memories are all you have left as you get older.

I am just so thankful that I have a new family and a happy life on the whole. I dread to think how I would feel now if my own life hadn't given me a sense of belonging.

If I was totally on my own, no network of supportive friends, if my partner had left me and I was childless - I could easily feel so adrift.

Being alone can happen through an unexpected twist of fate, however well you prepare your children to go out into the world. At least if you have some family of your own generation thatyou are close to - siblings, cousins - you have one more element to your support network.

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