Is it REALLY harder for only children when parents fall ill/die?

[DrNortherner]

This point keeps coming up on threads about only children. I have an only ds who is 6 and I am an only though fortunatley both my parents are fit and healthy.

Of course, should either of them become ill/die I will be devastated, but would it be any easier if I had a sister or a brother? I could have a sibling who did not give a toss or who lives overseas.

I have a group of fantastic friends who would be as supportive as any sibling, if not more.

I just think it's an interesting point for discussion.

I think that it depends completely on the sibling relationship. Some brothers and sisters are worse than useless, some are a comfort to each other. My brother would have helped me, but he died. I have a horrible feeling that (in a very very long time in the future) when DH and I are dealing with our parents dying that I'll still have an easier time of it than him, as I'll only be dealing with me and I'll have DH to support me. Whereas DH will have to deal with SIL as well, and they just cannot get on. I don't know how they will ever resolve all the decisions and issues that come up.

ime only children do like to go on a bit about how much harder everything is for them, because theyre only you see, and that no-one but other onlys would understand, coz youre just not an only so what do you know?

i should imagine the death of a parent is awful and complex for everyone and also different in every single individual case. siblings or no.

happypills that is very sensitive, thanks

actually I never thought about being an only, not at all, until one day when I was about 25 I was stuck in a snowstorm listening to a radio programme about being an only child

and I realised to my shock that a lot of the personality traits that I thought were unique to me, were actually really common traits with onlies

it was fascinating. It wasn't that I had spent 25 years banging on about it, it was that someone on a programme described me, my childhood, my experiences and my personality and said "this is what only children are like"

it was a real eyeopener

look, nobodys actually died here, so i made a lighthearted comment, so shoot me. sheesh.
my proper comment, after that one, was pretty bloody sensitive, wasnt it?

Happypill - its OTHER people who think we have a different outlook on life (you are proof of this!) particularly parents of only children who think their children will be damaged or resentful of the fact that they were "deprived" of siblings.

My parents were guilty of this - ridiculous considering my father was barely in contact with his siblings and my mothers siblings are always fighting like cats and dogs. My mother does not believe that I dont resent them for not having more children, but I dont feel hard done by at all - I have friends who I grew up with who are like brothers and sisters to me so I am never short of support or people to reminisce with

Like I've said, I consider it the same as assuming 2 siblings desperately miss a 3rd and 3 desperately miss a 4th. I miss the brothers and sisters I never had as much as you miss the brothers and sisters you never had

I dont think my bereavement was any harder than my cousins (a family of 4) who each had a unique experience

This thread is not exactly full of only children whinging about how much harder it was for them is it?

I think it's true that there will be no-one to fight with, and that is definitely a plus

and no-one to resent for not pulling their weight

I have a friend who is another only, and her mother is a complete packrat, like mine. And we were talking about how guilty we would feel getting rid of a whole lifetime of stuff that had effectively been entirely left to us

and we made a pact to come and help one another when the time came, by coming round with a book of matches and setting alight to the lot of it

my two children have helped to support each other since their father (dh) died. I think it would have been harder for them if they had been on their own.

My mother has dementia and I am very glad that I can share the burden with my db. He was aslo a great support when my father and my darling husband died

ok, ok, i guess it was insensitive, since more than one of you is upset.
i was talking specifically about my dp and another person i know who are onlys, and i was joking at that. i dont know you or anyone else here personally so i have NO idea if any of you will feel the deaths of your parents any more or less than anyone else. obviously.

Hm, my take is that while by not having a second child, I have guaranteed that DD will not have the support of a sibling when she loses me and DH one day, I haven't guaranteed that she won't have the support of someone. And if I DID have another child, that still wouldn't guarantee her that support.

My mum is an only child, and she did find it hard when her mum died, but that could equally have been because she had an estranged sibling, or one in a distant country, or like some people here, a sibling already deceased. Perhaps it IS easier if you're an only from the start and know it's coming, one day.

I have a younger brother, but I suspect I'll shoulder most of the responsibility for our parents as they get older; not least because I owe them more heavily (lots of free childcare recently!) DH will no doubt bear the brunt with his parents as well, because HIS brother doesn't speak to the rest of the family.

I've no idea if someone losing their parent when they're an only child is harder than what both me and DH went through when we lost are mothers (within a month of each other 10 Christmasses ago) but it was bloody hard for both of us.

We both have a sibling each who we see, but we're not that close (I'm probably closer to my brother's wife than my brother iykwim) and I don't think any of the siblings offered that much support to each other tbh. Of course, both me and DH were grieving and neither of us offered each other much support at the time.

How does one decide who suffers the most grief, and how do you compare it?

Happypillsgalore - somebody has died, my Dad. I can't comment on whether I felt his death more because I was an only child, but it is the aftermath of being left alone when both of your parents die that is the worst aspect of it.

unknownrebelbang - It is not a competition in who suffers the most grief, but as an only child myself, I have chosen to have a sibling for DD, so that I do not leave her alone.

Dontcallmebaby - strangely enough, until my Dad died, I had never thought about the death of my parents, it was too terrible to contemplate, so no, I was no more prepared and it was no easier.

It is the sense of being left an adult orphan, utterly alone, that is the worst aspect of being an only child, if I had other relatives, I am sure that I would feel differently about my situation.

nothings black and white
the sense of being utterly alone is awful, but its possible to feel that whether you actually are or not.
my dad had a health scare recently and i was beside myself. id be beside myself whether there were other rellies or not; hes my dad, my only one, the only him there is and losing him will (one day far away i hope!) be extremely hard for me to take.

OUR mothers. sheesh.

minnie - it was a general comment. Everyone has a different experience, because of family dynamics or who their friends are, or where they're at at the time I guess (eg both me and DH would have been far more support to each other at any other time, we'd just had DS3 too, so we were both all over the place, for many reasons).

Minnie, that's the feeling I get from my mother - that being left alone in the world when her parents died was a huge deal that still affects her today.

One thing she did was to tell me and my sister all her family stories - all the things no-one else would remember. So even though I never knew my grandmother, and was a baby when my grandad died, I know a lot about them (from my mother's perspective, admittedly).

Mind you, it's horribly complicated in my mother's case by her discovering she was adopted. Twenty years after both her parents had died.

I imagine if that had not been the case, she'd be less distressed by the whole thing.

having said all that, i am deeply attached to and grateful for my siblings.
i am delighted my own children seem to love each other so much.
my dad has wonderful sisters and the extended family and cousins is lovely to be a part of.
i just cant imagine how id cope if any of them died before me... maybe thats a way to look at it; more rellies means more potential heartbreaks when they die.

'course, my mums only sister has caused heartbreak and pain on a pretty impressive scale and far from being a help to my mum when their only parent, my nana, died she pretty much killed her off single handedly with her nastiness and vitriol.

so its al swings and roundabouts innit?

like i said in the first place, diff people, diff circs, diff relationships = every situation is different.

A friend at Uni's mother died of pancreatic cancer. I remember the stress on her as on only child and vowed that I would never have an only child.

Nature, however, has its own ideas and I am having to accept that with me now 47 it is unlikely that ds (8 next month) will ever have a sibling

He's very close to my SIL's kids (but dh's other's neices/nephews), so hopefully they will provide support if/when necessary.

I know it can be an issue as my mum got a bad head injury last year and is not longer as capable as she once was so Dad has to supervise/look after her. It is a matter of ajor concern to him what would happen to Mum if he had to go into hospital or if anything happened to him and it is something he want to talk thorugh with my brother and I when they get back from holiday.

... and that is even though I don't have the best of realtionships with my db!

Message withdrawn

Hi Dr Northerner, it is an interesting point, and I wanted to offer my perspective even though I can't read all the replies to your OP at the moment, so someone might have already made these points...

My parents are both only children, and they have said to me several times that they were glad to be only children through decline in health and deaths of all 4 of my grandparents.

They have talked about having to make hard decisions like when to refuse further treatment, and the other horrible decisions about care homes, clearing the houses, arranging funerals. They said that although it was awful, at least they knew they wouldn't be arguing with a sibling about any of it, and they could just follow their own judgement.

They particularly talked about it when a couple of their friends were in awful situations where one sibling did all the 'work' with aging parents and resentments built up.

I guess it depends on your perspective, and my parents were 'lucky' in that none of the deaths were a shock when they came, which might have made it harder.

As I stood at the graveside of both my parents, surrounded by 5 sisters, my greatest sadness and regret was that my dd will have to do this on her own. I cannot bear to think of it.

Cappucino, you are right that having shared reference points of childhood is SO important and valuable. I cultivate dd's friendships and relationships with her many cousins, but it can never be the same as the gift I was given.

I am an only child. I loved it, never got spoiled because my parents are very old school (my Mum was born in the war years) but certainly got full love from my parents, no competing for attention and resources.

Now that my Mum is turning 70 soon and my Dad's health has suffered and I'm living far away from them I wish I had a sibling to share the emotional burden with. Money for caring for my parents (homes, 24/7 care, medication, etc.) is an issue despite me having a high income (potential) as currently on mat. leave at 33 weeks pregnant.

Most importantly I wish I wouldn't have to bear the worries, tears and angst on my own when I get bad news about a new health scare, when I hug them and feel them getting thinner and their voices and bodies more fragile. It's the constant worry of receiving that phonecall and not being able to be by their sides quickly enough, knowing that if I can't be there for them, no one will.

On the other side: my DH lost his mother quite young, he has two younger brothers but the family is as toxic and dysfunctional as could be. It's quite sad actually how the painful and much too early death of the mother and wife has left this family in pieces, with the'glue' gone, leaving it to fall apart. I don't know if having siblings would be an answer to my problem of feeling left with my burden, but given that I know no better I'd like to have 3 or more children hoping that they will not tear each other apart but grow close and get along well as adults.

Dh is one of three and when his parents go he will have to do most things as his brother is mentally ill and his sister lives on the other side of the world.

Aware of this his mum and dad have tried really hard to have everything in order (of course it's still a mess and will be an enormous job).

My dad is one of 5 and his family are just unbelievable about my Grandma who is in her 90s. They will be no comfort or use to each other and thank goodness she has no money for them to squabble over.

Having another child is something that you do because you want another child (if you can), but the death thing shouldn't be a factor on it's own because having siblings is no guarantee of anything at all.