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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please listen to me aggresive dp

75 replies

namechangedforadvice · 16/08/2008 16:37

So dp has been grumpy on and off all day ,this morning he kicked off for no reason and told me I was ugly and he hated me.
He apoligised and said he was tired , I though all was ok this afternoon and he was leaning half in half out of the kitchen door (which leads to porch) I pretended to push him in and he said stop it then dd after seeing me doing it ran at the door and pushed it again I went to stop her and he thought it was me so he shoved the door (which is like an exterior door) straight at me it would have hit my face if I didn't catch it.
I shouted and he said sorry but then went upstairs shouting I told him to stop kicking off in front of dc but he shouted more and walked out.
He is aggresive like this at least three times a week although sometimes ,I can't just leave I have 4 dc and nothing that is mine no bank account ,no family ,no friends.

I am fed up of feeling scared .

OP posts:

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 17:57

if anyone has ever taken a violent man to court and not been believed then i would expect them to have issues about women who lie. i think it is entirely relevant to the thread. there have been threads where someone has come on hating her dp and its been down to something like pnd. not something trivial whatever it is, but not always what the first impression says. yes i have a chip about violent men and yes i have a chip about women who lie about it. she was looking for everyone to tell her to leave, if she did that i assume she would tell people why and then if it was simply a case of her dp reacting to her violent tendencies then thats an innocent mans life ruined. how isnt that relelvant? i think several people are being quite naive in believing everything they read. and if the advice we give is not going to be used then why bother asking for it or giving it? as i said i have seen a man lose all his friends, his kids etc because his evil bitch of a wife lied about this stuff. obviously she did that in real life but who can say she didnt get support from an online community who told her she was absolutely right to do the stuff she did? if you dont want honest opinions, dont post. if you want advice about an situation then post the whole situation. or at least mention that there is more to it, which is why i asked and apologised if there was.

Mamazon · 16/08/2008 17:59

Im failry certain that my ex partner's family think i am an evil bitch who has lied about all i have said.

Unless you lived with that couple you do not know what went on.

Fanlight · 16/08/2008 18:00

No, you are not getting it MNS. It is none of our business if she is even making it up (which I am fairly certain she isn't!)

The point is that millions of women suffer abuse every single day because they think they will be shouted down as overreacting, just like today.

If someone is brave enough to post here asking for our help then I think it is our duty and our task to believe her.

Sorry to disagree with you but I think it's dangerous to do anything else frankly.

See troll policy also for similar stance.

ParCark · 16/08/2008 18:01

Message withdrawn

beanieb · 16/08/2008 18:04

I do kind of agree with MNS and Custardo about the first post and the way it has been described.

To be fair on this incident alone it sounds like your DP could claim you were being as aggressive as he was, even if he was mistaken about who pushed the door.

However it sounds like he has a habit of being aggressive for no reason and this incident looks like a small one compared to the way he has been before, so good for you for seeking help and deciding to leave.

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:04

you are right mamazon. my ex partners family also believe him. but i also know women who have lied about husbands/partners i dont know, so i know it from the liars side. its disgusting but people do it. and it makes people doubt those who are in genuine need of help. like i just have infact

Mamazon · 16/08/2008 18:07

And i totally agree with you milk.

I am glad you now realilse just why some of us had issue with what you posted.

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:09

fanlight how would you explain that to your dad/brother/son when you believe their lying partner over them and they lose their friends, kids, jobs, houses etc?

there are too many women in this situation. but there are too many men in the other situation. i post an honest reply to what i see, mn is famous for honesty. i asked if there was more to it and there was so i offered support. supporting someone when they are wrong isnt support imo

beanieb · 16/08/2008 18:16

"Unless you lived with that couple you do not know what went on."

which surely is why MNS's opinion/advice is just as valid as yours? It is surely just as reasonable, from reading the first post, to ask more questions and excercise a little caution before throwing about accusations of DV?

We have only heard one version of events and this is an internet message board - however much we pride ourselves on giving advice to others, it's still not face to face and we all have different experiences which will influence the kind of advice we give.

Go easy on eachother, it's not a competition and I think everyone who does post here should hope/expect to get a wide range of different opinion and advice.

Fanlight · 16/08/2008 18:16

I think maybe a line somewhere between our stances is the correct one.

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:18

have re read my posts and all i can see is that i posted it was an over reaction if there was nothing more to it. then people got snippy with me for not being totally supportive and i posted why i was not. was there more to it? yes. so it wasnt an overreaction.

but there is more to it than just posting advice. people take this advice and act on it in real life and the anon advice given on here can tear apart a family for no reason. the number of times i have read posts of 'dont let your ex see your kids' or 'get supervised contact' is unreal. its just not that easy in real life and you have to think about your actions before encouraging people to go down a route which will ultimately make things worse for them and their kids. im soprry if people read more into my posts than what i have said above, but i like a sprinkling of realism with the advice i give, i dont live in fairyland with some of the other posters.

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:20

a line between support for anything and support for something real?

Fanlight · 16/08/2008 18:20

I don't live in fairyland either and have also been in an abusive relationship (actually more than one)

and had trouble being believed

It was your sweary post that got me wondering how rationally you were approaching this

I might be right

I might be wrong

I am willing to leave it as OP has had enough.

Mamazon · 16/08/2008 18:24

Im actually quite offended at the "fairyland" comment milk.

If you read my initial posts to this subject i explained that the op if had 3 options if she was GENUINLY scared. i also stated that i could not advise which of those 3 options she shuld take as i did not know her situation, only she does.

I don't think i was extreme or in anyway "fairyland" in my response.

I often see posts advising people to "onlu give supervised contact" i often wonder how these posters think it is that easy.
I am still (after 3 years) going through court proceedings with my ex over contact with our children.
It is not as easy as just deciding you will only give a certain amount of contact.

I do see your point on many aspects here milk but im afraid i do find your tone rather agressive when there is no need.

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:27

my sweary post was in response to parcark who obviously thought i shouldnt ask any questions and should pat the op on the head and coo soothingly instead of giving any real actual useful advice. these threads can be really really upsetting and when you get some idiot coming on saying you are wrong when you know you are not and you have had to fight the world to make them believe you then sometimes you do swear and post sarcastic rants. i didnt mean of the the sweary post, i didnt think people would actually think that was for real. except the first sentence because i do believe it is just as bad to lie about a man doing it as it is for a man to be violent.

i am willing to stay because i dont want the op to think i was against her, if i can offer any support i am more than happy to

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:29

i dont mean to be aggressive mamzon, i am upset and i am going to have to leave it because it is draggin up too mcuh stuff and my kids are here, i dont want them to see me this upset. the fairyland wasnt directed atyou, i dont want to make you thin kthat i fell anything other than 100% support for you and anyone in your situation

beanieb · 16/08/2008 18:35

"I think maybe a line somewhere between our stances is the correct one" exactly.

Mamazon · 16/08/2008 18:46

Milk im sorry you have been upset. that certainly hasn't been my intention.

what i was trying to explain is that just how you feel in your post of 18;27 "these threads can be really really upsetting and when you get some idiot coming on saying you are wrong when you know you are not and you have had to fight the world to make them believe you "

that is precisely what your first few posts could have made Op feel like.

no one has said what you was saying was wrong, just that maybe there was a more appropriate time and place to say it.

milknosugar · 16/08/2008 18:58

i guess so. i am tired of explaining myself. im sick of the whole site. i hope you and the op are ok, i wont post the rest of what i want to say

beanieb · 16/08/2008 19:06

Oh Milknosugar I am a relative newbie here but I think the site needs people like you just as much as they need people like Mamazon. Doon't leave or anything... Look you have both managed to talk reasonably about this and I think you both have an understanding and respect for eachother. The best thing about a place like this is you can challenge ur own forthright views through conversation with other people.

TheHedgeWitch · 16/08/2008 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beanieb · 16/08/2008 19:47

TheHedgeWitch - so really, isn't it possible that the OP's Partner may have felt intimidated by what he thought was her behaviour?

TheHedgeWitch · 16/08/2008 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beanieb · 16/08/2008 20:36

I don't though. I have heard one side of a story (from the first post) and so I can't be sure that the advice I might give would be appropriate.

Maybe I should take everything at face value but I feel I might be doing some other person who is a part of this whole situation a diservice by not asking questions to clarify how desperate a situation it might be.

Rhonds · 16/08/2008 21:21

It sounds like you were all trying to do the right thing from your expereince and perspective. Why not leave it there assuming that everyone had the right intentions...?

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