DH into S&M

[Sally1984]

I have been married about two years and trying for a family for the last year or so. I found out recently (through finding images/documents/weblinks) that DH is into S&M (he is on the M, rather than S, side and enjoys torture, bondage, humiliation etc) and has exchanged e-mails with a dominatrix and posted/replied to ads on contact sites. When confronted, he denied that he went through with any of this but that it was purely for the thrill (ie the email exchanges with sadistic women). I have told him this is unacceptable and he says he won't do it any more but he is in his 40s and I cannot see how this will just disappear from his system. Sex between us was fine before and he says it is just a small part of his sexuality. It has left me bewildered and unhappy and also with no idea of whether he really does stick to e-mailing or does sometimes put it all into practice. Does anyone have any advice or even experience of this?

Whatever his fantasies, wishes, etc. are, your Dh has 'cheated' on you by deceiving you and exchanging those emails, etc with other women. I certainly wouldn't let that pass.

It's no good to condemn him though, all you'll do is make him 'hide' it, play it down, etc. You are risking that he's building up a secret parallel little world which satisfies the M in him (to what extent we do not know yet).

I think you ought to have a very frank and deep discussion about where each of you stands and ow both of you feel about this. Don't scare him though! Let him talk freely and try to get as much out of him as possible. Then I'd gather my thoughts and look inside you how you can live with what he's told you. Only then will you be able to make an educated decision.

RubyR, best suggestion so far!

MJ: OP's post for you again: 'purely for the thrill (ie the email exchanges with sadistic women)'

So, let's establish that you have no problem with your H putting his contact details on websites and posting ads and exchanging emails with a dominatrix and sadistic women. Well, that's good for you.

However, the majority of spouses would be quite (rightfully) cross if their other halves did that without them knowing and consenting to it. It seems the OP's DH did try to explore the S&M side of himself by tentatively putting himself out there and engaging in convos concerning his M desires and going so far as to post ads...

Not on, IMO.

One problem is that because a lot of people are ignorant and bigoted about different sexualities, people who have non-mainstream fantasies often try to hide or bury that part of themselves. But burying parts of yourself is not a good longterm strategy: they always come back to the surface at some stage. This may well be the cause of some of the moodiness and unhappiness you mention.
Before taking any radical action, Sally, you do need to have a talk with him, but first it might help to find out more about BDSM - try a site like this (there are no scary pictures, just text - though anyone who is really freaked by the idea of BDSM and anyone who is under 18 should leave that link ALONE).
As to what happens next that's up to the pair of you. Some people find that they can accommodate certain activities into their sexual relationships quite happily. Think about your own fantasies and preferences (obviously you don't need to share them with the rest of MN if you don't want to) but discuss them with your DH.
Some couples do find that the best solution is for the partner who wants some SM to seek it from a paid professional or have an SM play partner - bearing in mind that for quite a lot of people SM does not involve any genital contact at all.
And some couples find that after prolonged discussion they can't reach any kind of middle ground and the relationship is over. But it's worth bearing in mind that a relationship in which one partner is not getting his/her needs met and is obliged to pretend that his/her feelings don't exist, is a relationship that is ultimately doomed.

Yes, solid, I think you're spot on. These feeling that the OP's DH has will surface at some point if he tries to suppress them. Having to suppress them might make him bitter or angry towards the OP and could ultimately ruin the marriage completely.