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Original poster

DH into S&M

54 replies

Sally1984 · 11/08/2008 17:21

I have been married about two years and trying for a family for the last year or so. I found out recently (through finding images/documents/weblinks) that DH is into S&M (he is on the M, rather than S, side and enjoys torture, bondage, humiliation etc) and has exchanged e-mails with a dominatrix and posted/replied to ads on contact sites. When confronted, he denied that he went through with any of this but that it was purely for the thrill (ie the email exchanges with sadistic women). I have told him this is unacceptable and he says he won't do it any more but he is in his 40s and I cannot see how this will just disappear from his system. Sex between us was fine before and he says it is just a small part of his sexuality. It has left me bewildered and unhappy and also with no idea of whether he really does stick to e-mailing or does sometimes put it all into practice. Does anyone have any advice or even experience of this?

OP posts:
ToughDaddy · 11/08/2008 22:07

Dittany- that is unfair. On the other thread I conceded that my light hearted remark was not fair so no need to label me as patronising.

CoteDAzur · 12/08/2008 07:17

I'm with ToughDaddy on this. S&M is a sexual fantasy, and a fairly common one. Not every M is The Gimp in Pulp Fiction. OP's DH was interested in 'vanilla' sex with her before this revelation, which wouldn't be the case if he were so into S&M that it could be considered his 'sexual orientation'.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 12/08/2008 08:08

Fantasy is one thing, exchanging emails to indulge in fantasty/orientation is another.

I think it's a tricky one and in your position would get counseling -preferably with my dh, but for myself if he wouldn't agree.

Flamesparrow · 12/08/2008 08:28

the emails would be a betrayal to me - not the s&m.

I am with toughdaddy on this one - sexual orientation?!?

TinkerBellesMum · 12/08/2008 08:42

The people I know who are D/s do engage in vanilla sex too. I know some lifestylers, most of them aren't lifestyle but they all call it a sexual orientation. Most definitely it's not all about gimp suits whether lifestyle or not! What a terrible generalisation! It would be like saying all gay men are like Graham Norton

Yes, some vanilla people have fantasies about D/s, in the same way some people have fantasies about same-sex sex without being gay or bi-sexual, but this man (according to his wife) hasn't described himself that way.

coolbeans · 12/08/2008 09:13

I think emailing a dominatrix is the unacceptable behaviour rather than the S&M bit. He is entitled to his fantasies but he is not entitled to act them out with some woman over the net, without your knowledge or acceptance. That's intruding into real life. I'd talk to him about this and how it makes you feel.

S&M fantasises/desires are very common. It doesn't need to be a big shocking thing in your lives. But you do need to come to terms with what he wants and how you can both accomodate this other side to him. If that's what you decide you want to do.

Original poster
Sally1984 · 12/08/2008 09:35

Thanks all. The analogy with being gay is useful - it is not a minor/occasional fantasy but an aspect of his sexuality and something he should have told me about before we married. The e-mailing and secrecy came as a huge shock/betrayal. I did talk to Relate and was told that it is unlikely that emailing will stop at emailing (with the internet it is often a case of people wanting to take things further each time) and/or he may be addicted, in which case he needs to seek help. DH says that he doesn't know what talking to someone could do for him because this is a part of him.

OP posts:
ToughDaddy · 12/08/2008 10:10

Understand your sense of betrayal/shock. I hope that your H is sensitive to that.

If you were my sister I would have asked whether apart from this shocking discovery, he is otherwise a good husband. I would have asked how you felt about him contacting other women. And then I would asked whether you guys make each other happy emotionally and otherwise. I really think that the labelling/stigma is not helpful to resolving the challenge that you face.

I saw a programme a couple of years ago that explained that many of our sexual fantasies are derived from our childhood - some theory about normalising which I wouldn't go into now.

In the most tender relationships partners sometimes try a little of what the other partner likes. If done sensitively this can strengthen not weaken your relationship. But you should be mindful that not everyone wants their fantasies realised!! Sometimes a fantasy is purely about titilation....

ToughDaddy · 12/08/2008 10:11

Heck...sounding like some expert. Hope the wife doesn't read MN today ;-)

ManxMum · 12/08/2008 11:15

First off, this is not the end of the world, S&M is a way of life and if you love him, you will understand. For most S&M's, its a bit like missing an arm, they're not complete emotionaly without it. He says he doesn't want to do it with you, why ? Does the idea of tying him up interest you? the other option is you could tell him you have fantsised about doing it to him, the golden rule is to take it slow, (DH)

You can keep the two lives separate. Sex per se, does not need to be a part of it, it's an emotional need and feeling.

Do you never fantasise about things you would enjoy?

TinkerBellesMum · 12/08/2008 12:28

Sally1984, it is something he should have told you about - but then the gay analogy can come in again here! - and you are right that the emails are out of order.

Talking will bring into the open who he is and will help you decide the way forward as a couple or not. You need to talk and decide with him whether you can be what he wants or needs because it would be pointless and damaging if you were to spend more years pretending.

nkf · 12/08/2008 12:30

The thing is he's been cheating on you. Exchanging emails, posting contact details. He was moving towards having a secret, S&M other life. How do you feel about that?

Original poster
Sally1984 · 12/08/2008 12:41

nkf, that is the thing that bothers me the most, and the fact that this should have been brought up before we got married. We have talked a lot about it and i haven't been able to find a way to incorporate this side of his sexuality into the relationship - trying it out myself, to any degree, will not work and, as I said, he doesn't want that anyway. This is the first time I have posted on mumsnet so am not sure of the etiquette, but I really wanted to hear what people thought - it's not something I can bring up with friends because they know him and I have to respect his privacy so it has been a good place to get others' views. I will sign off now - thanks to you all for your comments; much appreciated.

OP posts:
TinkerBellesMum · 12/08/2008 12:49

Hello Sally, I didn't realise you were new!

You have to think how this is going to affect your relationship. Would you be happy if he had said (sorry to keep using the analogy) "well actually I'm gay, but I'd rather just stay in this relationship with you as it suits me best like this"?

citronella · 12/08/2008 13:05

He has been secretive which is deceitful but I don't think you will ever change his interest in S&M and as someone else said for some it is a way of life. But you need to think carefully whether that is your way of life or whether between you it could be incorporated into your life together to a degree with which you are comfortable so that you are included and not excluded. Alternatively, you could agree to disagree and keep that part of his life entirely separate to yours together (treat it like his hobby). Maybe you have other interests of your own. It really depends how strong your relationship is in other areas. If it's something you can't live with or that he wishes to completely exclude you from, I'm afraid I would question your future together.

CoteDAzur · 12/08/2008 17:21

"well actually I'm gay, but I'd rather just stay in this relationship with you as it suits me best like this"?

That's not comparable to what her husband said AT ALL

If her husband was gay, that would mean he couldn't possibly love her as a partner and make love to her. Which is obviously not the case here. He says it himself that it is "just a small part of his sexuality" and she says their sex life was fine before she found out his S&M fantasies.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/08/2008 17:30

The D/s people I know (surprisingly quite a few) equate themselves with being gay. The analogies I have used are ones I have heard many D/s use.

CoteDAzur · 12/08/2008 18:14

And your S&M friends' outlook on life affects OP's husband... how, exactly?

He says it is a small part of his sexuality. They had a good sex life until the revelation of his S&M fantasies. OP's husband does not sound like your friends, who equate their S&M tendencies to being gay, thereby suggesting they couldn't do 'vanilla' sex just like a gay man wouldn't/couldn't have sex with a woman.

Would you believe you are not the only person who knows people into S&M, by the way.

TinkerBellesMum · 12/08/2008 18:25

Actually I don't know that many lifestylers, so yes they do do vanilla but they all say (lifestylers or not) that it is part of their sexual orientation - which is what Sally1984 has said her husband described it.

ToughDaddy · 12/08/2008 18:27

The thing is S&M fantasist are attracted to women so I don't see why this is so analogous to being gay in the context of a marriage. Suppose my fantasy was to have an animal in bed with me and my wife and I didn't tell her before we were marriage. That is probably quite unusal but more probably closer in this context. My wife might say, "I am not having any animals in bed with us"; buI think she is more entitled to be upset that I have been trying to arrange and animal orgy with someone on the internet. Ofcourse I expect that she will be shocked and probably angry to discover that I have such animal fantasies.

The problem is that the S&M label conjures up images severe tortue, long whips, chains etc. Many of us will supress our fantasies and never tell our partner about them.

ToughDaddy · 12/08/2008 18:35

Sally1984- I was wondering whether you are at all self conscious about the S&M image? It would be understandable if you were. Would you have been more or less concerned if he was contacting two ladies to arrange a threesome? You don't have to answer any of these questions but worth reflecting on. Sounds as though you and DH are communicating so I sincerley hope that you find a good resolution for your family.

Overmydeadbody · 12/08/2008 18:40

The thing is, I think, if people are going to make analogioes it may be more helpful to compare it to a bisexualk poerson, rather than someone who is 'gay'.

Many bisexuals can have fulfilling succesful monogamous relationships, and Sally, I think as long as you make it clear you need him to be open and honest with you and you in return be completely accepting of him, as a whole package, then your relationship will get through this.

Overmydeadbody · 12/08/2008 18:41

and Sally, you really need to let him know you don't judge him or think badly of him for the s&m, just the deciet.

mumlejumble · 12/08/2008 19:15

Emails - think he's got a bit carried away. Lets face it this is a time when his little fella has taken over. I too would feel decieved and have words.

But as for him being into S&M I'm really shocked at many of the above responses. There is a Mmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassive gap between fantasies and reality. This poor bloke was not 'found out' cos his wife returned home to find him dressed up, strangling himself with a cat suited domanatrix at his side - he was inline!!! There are many sexual fantasies that can be indulged online that surfers would do in realy life [threesomes, differnet sexual orientations etc etc].

Leaving him?!?!?!? gay?!?!?!1

Sounds pefectly healthy to me but that you are finding it hard to deal with. Fair enough but have an open mind. Talk with him at length. Look at stuff together. Set down some ground rules [no emails, maybe letting wife know when he's been looking so she doesn;t feel deceived] Think about things you're both comfortable - sex with hands bound in a silk scarf [gentle for her a bit naughty for him]. Chances are he just fancies her being in control. It is, as he says just a small part of his sexuality.

Sorry you had such a shock. I had similarish [ found magazines in his bin] shock but learnt to encorperate it into our varied, spicey sex life. We are two seperaete people who are sometimes into differnt thing but we also like to share....

mumlejumble · 12/08/2008 19:16

nkf - you really have a problem with this eh? How the hell is he cheating on her?!?!!?!