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Original poster

Passive-agressive men, anyone have any advice?

63 replies

gordieracer · 11/08/2008 15:25

I am in a fairly new relationship with a man (6 months) but he is displaying what I have now discovered are passive-agressive tendancies.

He has so many positive qualities that I am unsure of whether to just stay away or accept it.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 11/08/2008 18:04

no gnd - my current beau is the total opposite - in fact he's so in touch with his emotions it's going the other way a bit!

passive aggressive - hard work, wouldn't stick around tbh.

Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 18:04

The thing is, in other ways hes the most amazing man ive ever met, if he wasn't I'd just of got rid ages ago. I guess everyone is right, if problems are here already

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 11/08/2008 18:07

ime things get worse not better, as others have said you're 6 months you should still be gazing lovingly, not dreading the next bit of stress.

ultimately it's up to you thou.

what would you say if your mate had this prob?

dittany · 11/08/2008 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblagirl · 11/08/2008 18:11

you sound just like me everyone i mean everyone could see it was wrong except me oh but we have great times his nice when he wants to be that early it shouldnt be the case

and write down how wonderfully happy he has made you feel and what did he do

is it a case of not wanting to be alone so choosing to see the good when really if he was that nice you wouldnt be feeling so down after 6 mths

i would rather have been alone than gone through what i went through i didnt want to appear a failure i wanted to change him i didnt want to look stupid to all the i told you so's my god i wish i had of just left he got worse he got controlling he got mentally abusive and i let him because he could be nice at times

he treated me terrible in first few weeks i stuck it out and wish i nevr had

the tell tale signs are slapping you in the face walk while you still have your dignity you are allowing him to act the way he is so why should he change

leave if he wants you he will make the effort to win you back i wouldnt imagine its love after all

bubblagirl · 11/08/2008 18:14

you think while your wasting time with him your right man is out ther eready to sweep you off your feet and show you what being loved is about so dont waste more time meeting my dp now as much as sometimes i wish i hadnt lol

but meeting him was the most amazing thing for me i nver knew such love exisited between 2 people as never had that before and believe me so much better off being on your own and waiting for theres no feeling like it in the world

Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 19:42

I probably am scared of being alone, I think I am so much in denial. My ex was abusive but in a really obvious was IFYKIM. I thought after everything I had been through with him that this was my "meeting a nice" person and getting some happy times. I am really struggling with am I too worried about the same thing happening again and therefore maing a bit deal about these little things, or have I just chosen another idiot!

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 11/08/2008 19:50

By PA do you mean he just does not communicate when pushed?

If so, my DH is the same- MNS should I leave him?

I thought being PA meant that you did not take responsibility for your actions, tried to turn it onto the other person as their problem, withheld affection etc etc.

My DH is hopeless at describing his emotions and instead of rowing he would walk away or just be speechless- I have always assumed this is a shortcoming and that he just finds talking very hard.

am I wrong- or am I experiencing the same as the OP- and is this what YOU mean OP?

warthog · 11/08/2008 19:52

i don't agree that this is 'normal' male behaviour. my dh addresses problems and doesn't shy away.

i don't like this kind of behaviour either. he isn't going to get better. he might for the short term because the relationship is new, but as things settle down he won't make the effort anymore.

i'm sorry, but i'd walk away from this.

Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 19:58

I am describing it as passive agressive as I have been reading a bit about it in a book I have about controlling behaviour, and that seemed to describe it. I'd never really heard of it before.
There have only been a couple of occasions, involving me being upset about things, and him either ignoring me for a couple of day or refusing to cuddle/talk/make up. I guess my senses are on red alert after my previous relationship, as I can imagine in the past not even caring if someone had done this. I'm scared its one of the "warning signs" my councellor has told me to look for.

OP posts:
Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 20:02

Thats the thing im most confused with, is this normal blokeyness, most of my friends think it is or is he a selfish prat? I'm thinking I just need to back off and see what he does.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 11/08/2008 20:14

it can be normal but not this early on with someone its not normal

most men wont talk about things but ignoring for days when its new relationship is a no no

6 mths is too early on to be facing these problems

maybe have some breathing space find some things you can do to boost your self asteem and you may find you dont need him anymore

and mr right will come along but you need to be content alone first as if a man sees your vulnerable they will play on it

Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 20:31

You are righ Bubba, I am starting uni in September, I'm hoping that will give me a boost. I'm just going to cool it I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 20:31

You are righ Bubba, I am starting uni in September, I'm hoping that will give me a boost. I'm just going to cool it I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
gordieracer · 11/08/2008 20:32

You are righ Bubba, I am starting uni in September, I'm hoping that will give me a boost. I'm just going to cool it I think.

OP posts:
MrsSnape · 11/08/2008 20:48

Passive aggressive behaviour would send me running too. I just can't deal with it, it drives me absolutely nuts.

GrapeJelly · 11/08/2008 20:49

Can anyone recommend any books about PA men? There's one called Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Does anyone know of any more?

BlingLovin · 12/08/2008 09:52

passive aggressive behaviour is about controlling. A man struggling to express himself emotionally is not the same as a man who consciously withdraws emotional committment in order to make you feel guilty/scared/responsible for his actions. Lots of blokes' standard uselessness at getting things done, communicating etc is similar to pa but it's not the same. On some level, someone who is pa KNOWS exactly what he/she is doing to the other person, and continues doing it to control the situation and the other person's behaviour. GND - yours sounds like regular guy but GR seems to have more of a real problem with someone trying to control her.

pudding25 · 12/08/2008 10:59

He is a controlling piece of shit. Get rid of him. Decent men do not behave like that. If you are upset, he should comfort and help you. He shouldnt be late and if he is, he should apologise. The first 6 mths of a relationship should be bliss. He will just get worse. My best friend went out with someone like this for 2 yrs until he finally dumped her after mentally abusing her the whole time. Like you, she had very little confidence.
Please get out, you have no ties to this man and he will get worse.

hk78 · 12/08/2008 11:56

yea i am married to one of these men

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Passive-aggressive-Man-Personality-Aggression/dp/0671870742/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UT F8&s=books&qid=1218538376&sr=8-1

sorry i am here again recommending the same book again, above, but i have got this one and its brilliant.

but if i was still at such an early, uncomplicated stage with such a man again: i just wouldn't bother. sorry.

Original poster
gordieracer · 12/08/2008 16:02

Ok, I asked for opinions and this has really helped. It's made me realise that its not me, and I don't deserve this. Now is the hard bit, letting go and I'm terrified!

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 13/08/2008 10:14

dont be terrified just think of how freeing it will be to be you for a while without needing to please someone else

you'll be mixing in new crowds soon so it will be great just you and a fresh start good luck xx

Original poster
gordieracer · 13/08/2008 10:49

Well he beat me to it last night over the phone. Couldn't even be bothered to tell me to my face. I feel a mixture of sadness and relief.

OP posts:
BlingLovin · 13/08/2008 11:13

wanker

bubblagirl · 13/08/2008 16:13

well i hope you are ok and can move forward from this you deserve better x

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