"But we took you to stately homes" - Part 4

[oneplusone]

Can't beleive we're onto part 4, although i can't see this thread ever dying.

I was just reading through past posts to try and catch up on the months i have missed and something somebody said has triggered something for me. I know my mother didn't bond with me or love me and i think part of the reason why was because she thought i took after my dad whom she hates (although she is too gutless to leave him). I remember when i was young her saying things like my hair was like my dad's but she wouldn't say it an affectionate way, but quite a venomous way and it always made me feel uncomfortable when she said that but i must have been too young to figure out why.

The more i realise about my mother the more i despise and hate her. I remember she used to play hide and seek with me when i was very young, about 3. Only she would 'really' hide in a place i would never be able to find her. I remember crying and feeling completely distressed one time as i thought she had gone and left me alone at home. It was only after i had been crying for some time that she jumped out laughing from her hiding place. What a nasty, cruel, ugly piece of work and she parades around looking as if butter wouldn't melt and she has a lot of people fooled including my 2 sisters. I know my dad can see her for what she is which is why she hates him and i can see her true colours too which is why i hate her.

I know inside she is deeply insecure, lacks intelligence, strength and integrity. I have witnessed her lie, manipulate and cheat to get what she wants and the people to whom she lies and those who she manipulates are us, her own family. I just can't beleive my sisters cannot see through her, they are totally blind and deaf to her true character and have completely fallen for the victim role she has carved out for herself.

Cutting off my parents was the best thing i ever did and i have realised i need to set some boundaries with my sisters, my last remaining friend and even DH. How to do that is another thing, something completely new to me.

Another thing I find is how I cant cope with anything, Im stressed so easily. I put it down to never seeing anything through and not being supported to finish anything. I wanted to be in plays, join groups etc growing up and Ive always been a worrier but my mum would never say 'look, I KNOW you can do this, see it through' etc I was always able to walk away from stuff when things got difficult, actively encouraged to. Or Id feel proud of myself for doing something I thought was an achievement, only to be knocked back by a snide comment. Would it really have hurt to say 'well done, Im proud of you'?

Currently Ive got a few worries and I find them so hard to deal with. This course Im on - the workload is about to turn into something unlike anything Ive ever had experience of, Ive got ebay bollocks to sort out, and I need dental work (a crown and poss root canal, Im terrified) things that any 'normal' person would take in their stride, but not me, I'll worry about it all until its done. The worry fills my thoughts, its always at the back of my mind and its exhausting.

AN, thank you for your post. And you have described it perfectly. What you have said is exactly what I have been doing. Because of my deep seated insecurity, that i am not loveable because that is what my parent's taught me to beleive about myself, I am on the lookout for any sort of 'unloving' behaviour whether from DH/my sisters, as proof that i am not in fact loved as this is what i think deep down anyway.

Breaking and having a conscious realisation of this inner belief has been a significant turning point in my relationships both with DH and my sisters. I think I am learning to trust again and no longer immediately think that DH doesn't really love me if he says/does something hurtful due to stress/pressure etc. I didn't actually realise i had an issue with trusting until just now when i typed that sentence. Will have to go away and think aboout that for a bit.

What you said to NAB is very wise and good advice. A while ago when i was considerig contacting my exboyfriend from years and years ago, i know i was longing for that intense emotional connection that DH and I seemed to have completely lost. I think i was also going through some sort of mid life crisis as well. I found DH boring (including in bed) and only realised i was having some sort of mid life crisis because i happened to read another thread where the poster's DH was having one and his symptoms matched mine.

AN what you said about not acting on NAB's current feelings is such good advice. As i was on the verge of contacting my exboyfriend and if i had it would have been the end of my marriage. Luckily i realised i was going through a 'phase' and have read up a bit about it now and realise it is very commmon to feel bored and unfulfiled at this point in life.

I now feel i have 'recaptured' that intensity of feeling with DH and feel very deeply that i love him and that he loves me. I now need to find a way to maintain that feeling despite the trials and tribulations of everyday life as a SAHM with young DC's. Any tips on how to do that would be welcome! Am going to start another thread about that i think.

Dillinger, Therapist said to me the other day (and I'm not sure why he said it, he just threw it into the conversation) that people who don't feel they deserve as much as other people can have a habit of spoiling things for themselves, breaking their stuff, sabotaging good things in their lives, treating themselves badly (maybe he was saying it in relation to binge drinking). It must be a subconscious habit I suppose because you feel so undeserving. Maybe when you did it at home it was a way of expressing the anger you felt about them making you feel unimportant, except that you inflicted the anger on yourself instead of on them.

But you DO deserve as much as everyone else and if your parents made you feel that you don't they were WRONG. So try to reprogram yourself and don't believe them anymore!

OnePlusOne, you are/have been so similar to me by the sound of it!

For me, the thing about marriage has been to find contentment with a more moderate feeling rather than needing to maintain the intensity. I used to feel I needed more and more stimulation and everything was boring and I didn't feel enough enthusiasm to bother doing anything much at all. That's depression isn't it. I think some of that was also because of my brain being SO stimulated in a bad way by stressful times then it found it hard to 'come down' and 'wanted' the same level of chemicals.

I have phases of drinking too many caffeinated drinks to make me force myself to do everyday tasks, then finding it hard to sleep, feeling slightly sick and maybe the caffeine contributes to the anxiety I get sometimes.

It just occurred to me that if this thing is true about the period of stress followed by a period of depression then part of the reason I feel kind of down and completely unmotivated after Christmas and feel exhausted at the thought of having to do anything at all could be because I found Christmas stressful and I was uptight rushing and rushing the whole time and the level of stress chemicals was up and now they are going down again I just don't feel stimulated enough to bother doing anything.

AN, you have hit the nail on the head again! I do think that now things are a lot better with DH and with regard to my family issues, I am started to feel a little bored/discontented and need that mad rush of brain chemicals whizzing round as you have described it.

With regard to marriage, I need to find a way to be able to talk to DH about everday irritations without having a row/causing ill feeling between. Eg. we have decided to throw out our old christmas tree and get a new one for next year. I took the tree down and dismantled it and left it in a corner of the living room. I told DH we would have to just throw it outside (in the back garden) for now as it was too big to put in the normal rubbish. So instead of throwing it outside he leaves it in front of the door to the utility room meaning i have to step over it each time i go in there. I put it outside today but felt annoyed at DH that he hadn't done it and left the tree in a place where it constantly gets in my way. And then that reminded me of how he seems to see the utility area as a 'dumping ground' and the fact that he always puts things in there which then get in my way when trying to do laundry. I feel he should know better and he should think about the fact i need to get into the utility room and not dump things in it or in front of the door. I guess the crux of it is that i feel he is being thoughtless and inconsiderate of me and only thinking of his own convenience.

Sorry for the boring details but it's things like this which make me mad and when i try and talk to DH about it we usually end up rowing because i am unable to tell him in a nice way what he has done that has annoyed me. Please help!

OMG AN I wonder if that is me! I have been in self destruct mode - usually over first love. Okay now though.

Therapist told me to write down his Conflict Resolution Plan ages ago and I've just remembered I left it in the bottom of a bag and hadn't thought about it much since:

1 - Clarify the issue in language that can't be misunderstood

2 - Empathise with their side of it

3 - Explain the impact on you and why it is important

4 - Spell out what you want him to do exactly

5 - Reward him for doing what you want

I only remembered point 5 before and did say to DH if he didn't play violent computer games in front of the children I wouldn't do really loud belches in front of them. Sometimes doing 'deals' is the only way I can get him to do what I want.

In relation to my favour thread on Chat, I have always found it very hard to make friends as I moved a lot as a child and would get very clingy very quickly. If I have a disagreement or argument with someone then I am a bit funny with them the next time I see them. Not because I bare a grudge but because I don't want to act all normal and have them think I don't care that we have had a falling out. Don't have a clue how to handle things tomorrow if I see either of them.

Nab, just read your thread in Chat and the man sounds like not a very good friend. Do you become friends with people who treat you badly quite often? It could be to do with that 'deserving' thing again - I mean you don't value yourself very highly so you put up with crap treatment in order to keep a friend and you are subconsciously attracted to people who treat you badly because you don't feel you are worth more and because we are subconsciously drawn to what is familiar so you may be drawn to people who treat you similarly to how you've been treated in the past. (sorry for such a long sentence with no punctuation!)

Up to now they have been okay. Once they argued with me when I told them their child had been mean to mine and she pretty much said my child was lying as hers wouldn't have said that. Oh, but she did .

Thought i was doing so well but apparently not. Had a bit of a cry this morning. Woke up feeling down, thought i was just tired, despite having an ubroken night's sleep (a rarity) and ended up bursting into tears after doing the school run.

I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my sister, on behalf of my dad accused me of hacking into his emails 2 years ago. And my dad, before i cut him off completely, told me i was mad and needed to see a psychiatrist after I had opened up about his abuse when i was a child.

What really hurts is that my dad seems to see me as his 'enemy', that i am out to 'get' him and i have nothing but bad intentions against him and am always plotting ways to manipulate him and make his life more difficult. Nothing could be further from the truth. Before i cut him off he seemed to have completely and utterly lost sight of the fact that i am his little girl, the little girl he once clearly loved.

The accusations against me seem to roll off his tongue so easily, he couldn't care less how much he hurts me. He cannot see that all i want is for him to love me and care about me; he sees me as the enemy. I know he has some form of mental illness, as it surely cannot be normal to accuse your own child in the way he has accused me, but that doesn't take away the pain of listening to his views about me.

It is no surprise to me now how damaged my self esteem must be, no wonder i have simply been unable to believe DH when he said he loves me. Even now i always ask him why as i myself have no real idea why he could love me. I am starting to 'reprogramme' myself and intellectually i know i am not the person my dad has always told me i am, but i don't fully know who i am yet either.

For some reason many years ago my dad decided he hated me and that i was a manipulative, devious, nasty piece of work. It hurts to know that is what he thought of me when i was just a child, no more good nor bad than the next child.

My dad truly is mad, bad and dangerous; I can't really believe now how i actually managed to survive growing up with him. And i feel i can't let this go with my sister, she is one who accused me of these things which originated with my dad and so she must have beleived them at the time as well. I need to talk about it with her but don't really know how to broach the subject when we haven't really talked about our parents for a while.

AN, I am so sorry to hear of what you went through as a child with your brother. And whilst alls sibling fight and squabble and are mean to each other, what you went through sounds to me far more cruel and hurtful than normal sibling rivalry.

And that is actually what strikes me about what you have said. It doesn't seem to be sibling 'rivalry' that was at the heart of your brother's behaviour, but an inherent desire to hurt you and be mean to you. And that was nothing to do with you and how you were, but everything to do with him and his own childhood issues.

And i think it was negligent of your mother to just tell you to take no notice. It was her job as your parent to offer protection and she failed to do that. When my DC's are fighting although i would love to just leave them and ignore it, i always step in as they are too young to know how to resolve their differences and i think it is my job to guide and teach them how to do this until they are old enough to do it for themselves (which will be a long time coming i think).

Please have faith in yourself and your feelings. If you feel your mother failed you by not protecting you and stepping in on your behalf and stopping your brother from hurting you then trust that feeling. It seems spot on to me. And similarly with your brother, he hurt you and tormented you and whilst it was not necessarily his fault as he was a child with issues, you need to accept your feelings, and feel the hurt as that is the only way it will eventually leave you. Your guilt is blocking you feeling your emotions and you need to try and get past the guilt. I think you are right to feel angry at your brother though, and i think it is healthy to release the anger in a safe way eg punching a pillow etc.

I can understand your DC's triggering all these childhood memories for you, try and remember you are being triggered though as what they are doing sounds normal to me. My DD is very bossy too and it winds me up and she tries to boss DS around too, but he seems to resist her and is very stubborn so she doesn't get her way all the time. Your DC's sound a bit different and perhaps you need to step in sometimes if you see your DD going a bit too far with DS.

Hope i've made a little bit of sense, feel free to ignore if i've talked a load of rubbish.

My toxic mother is an absolute nightmare and has been making me feel very ill this week. Ive been living with mum and dad since the birth of my baby six months ago as I was jilted when pregnant. I am now in the process of moving house and I am finding it a bit of a wrench as I did enjoy my time here. I am finding the move very stressful, especially with a baby. This is not helped my my mother who constantly nags me about housework. Today she said 'poor baby' to dd (for having a mother like me I mean.) I really want to move out on a high but she is making it very difficult and generally driving me mad!

Oh god, has anyone read that other thread about "One of my earliest memories? It is bothering me for some reason. I'm thinking some of the people on there would think I was 'whinging about nothing' if they knew about my stuff. I'm feeling like a drip again.

I read the first line and couldn't read anymore.

You are not a drip.

Just as someone saying to you, Mrs F is so sad she can't have kids, it doesn't help you get through the day with yours when you feel crap. Someone else having a bad experience doesn't make yours easier to cope with.

I am having a wobble today.

Miss my ex so much. I know for certain I wouldn't have an affair but he said himself he had forgotten what good friends we were and I miss that so much at the moment. Maybe it is because I have had a particulary hard week.

poshsinglemum,
I just wanted to reply-this is a good place to vent. Its interesting you use the word "ill" to describe how your mother makes you feel. I suppose the shakes, headaches and high blood pressure is actually our mothers making us ill. I never thought of it like that.
What a very good reason to get them out of our lives as much as possible. They literally make us ill!!

Also I want to say to other people who have contributed to the thread but may not have got a reply that its not because no-one is reading your posts or not interested in your posts. And its certainly not because you haven't gone through enough to "qualify" for this thread. Its just that (I may only be speaking for myself, but) I think the nature of this thread means that:

1. reading it is very painful and sometimes people feel they're better off ignoring a post that stirs up certatin feelings if it is more than they can handle at the time
2. EVeryone here is going through some kind of mental struggle and sometimes just writing about ourselves is all we can cope with for the moment.

But please keep writing your thoughts down. I promise someone is reading them and considering your experiences but may not always be strong enough themselves to help you with a reply.

Progress then not.

Days without wanting to email

then I want too.

I so miss him.

I miss his friendship.

I feel trapped now.

We were happy before all this.

Scares me to think I won't be as we were again.

had a really really tough week last week.

Feek crap today, headache and back pain.

Want him chocolate

I think this thread just reminds us to try to break the cycle of neglect which very probably dogged our pareents and their parents families and non-bonding. I know it is hard to forgive those who have hurt you, but trying to see them as ill has helped me. I do feel a lot of resentment for the legacy my. Our destructive family cycle stops here as far as I am concered.

There is help out there. Counselling, transactional counselling, CBT, SSRI's and anti anxiety drugs and for the most damaged and confused - those who feel lost in emotional chaos - you might find help and support here[[http://www.borderlineuk.co.uk/}}

sorry. here www.borderlineuk.co.uk/

sorry, I keep losing text from posts -

I do feel a lot of resentment for the legacy my mother left her daughters, but she was far from happy herself, and I'm the onlyone who can put a stop to it today.

MonkeyTrousers, what you said REALLY makes sense to me and does make me feel comforted, thank you:

"I think this thread just reminds us to try to break the cycle of neglect which very probably dogged our pareents and their parents families and non-bonding. I know it is hard to forgive those who have hurt you, but trying to see them as ill has helped me. I do feel a lot of resentment for the legacy my. Our destructive family cycle stops here as far as I am concered"

This way of thinking does help you to 'not take it personally'.

What you said also gives me encouragement in my 'mission' to break the cycle and reminds me how HARD it is and how much strength and focus it takes (well our parents never managed it, and their parents etc!), so I feel more inclined to forgive myself for the times when I feel I've 'got it a bit wrong' in how I dealt with this situation or that situation with the children, because I'm not getting it wrong ALL the time and haven't given up trying to get it right.

I think this will apply to everyone on here.

Thank you

I want to fix my marriage.

I think I have found it really hard to let go as I have been in this situation so many times with my ex. Him doing something that upset me, me knowing I had to get over him and move on, never being able to and here we are again.

I think I want to get over him as long as that doesn't mean I have to deny to myself how I felt about him.

I have done something so stupid and just want to be strong.

He probably wishes he hadn't emailed me too!