"But we took you to stately homes" - Part 4

[oneplusone]

Can't beleive we're onto part 4, although i can't see this thread ever dying.

I was just reading through past posts to try and catch up on the months i have missed and something somebody said has triggered something for me. I know my mother didn't bond with me or love me and i think part of the reason why was because she thought i took after my dad whom she hates (although she is too gutless to leave him). I remember when i was young her saying things like my hair was like my dad's but she wouldn't say it an affectionate way, but quite a venomous way and it always made me feel uncomfortable when she said that but i must have been too young to figure out why.

The more i realise about my mother the more i despise and hate her. I remember she used to play hide and seek with me when i was very young, about 3. Only she would 'really' hide in a place i would never be able to find her. I remember crying and feeling completely distressed one time as i thought she had gone and left me alone at home. It was only after i had been crying for some time that she jumped out laughing from her hiding place. What a nasty, cruel, ugly piece of work and she parades around looking as if butter wouldn't melt and she has a lot of people fooled including my 2 sisters. I know my dad can see her for what she is which is why she hates him and i can see her true colours too which is why i hate her.

I know inside she is deeply insecure, lacks intelligence, strength and integrity. I have witnessed her lie, manipulate and cheat to get what she wants and the people to whom she lies and those who she manipulates are us, her own family. I just can't beleive my sisters cannot see through her, they are totally blind and deaf to her true character and have completely fallen for the victim role she has carved out for herself.

Cutting off my parents was the best thing i ever did and i have realised i need to set some boundaries with my sisters, my last remaining friend and even DH. How to do that is another thing, something completely new to me.

Thank you AN. It is a long road, its best not to rush, jus ttake small steps, take a break when you need it, use the support systems available that weren't there for our parents, stop yourdelf from acting out what was done to you with others, especially your kids and loved ones - eventually you can escape the shadow of your childhood and become the person you want to be.

Hi all. I just need to ramble on for a while, have nobody to talk to about this really.

I had an email from my middle sister the other day. It was to tell me about the fact that our mother is going into hospital soon for a heart bypass operation and also something else (didn't understand the term she used so don't know it was).

I don't really know how i feel or even if i feel anything at all. My initial reaction was annoyance with my sister for even telling me. She said she thought I ought to know. Why? I have told both my sisters that i don't want to know when/if anything happens to my parents. I see them as their parents, not mine. Mine are dead and I am an orphan as far as I'm concerned. And my parents died a long, long time ago for me. I know my sisters will find it very hard if not impossible to understand me on this, but am i being unreasonable to expect them to simply respect my wishes and to not tell me information about my parents that i simply do not want to know?

I also feel upset at the fact that i know my sisters are likely sick with worry about their mother. And it probably sounds selfish of me to say "What about me?" But that's how I feel. Nobody in my family have had the slightest concern about me over the last few years, about the total nightmare I have been going through, emotionally and on many other levels. Their only concern has always been themselves and how my cutting off my parents has impacted them.

When i was younger and living at home neither of my parents had any real concern for me when i was unwell. I used to go to see doctors and specialists on my own. Half the time my parents didn't even know i had an appointment; they certainly never bothered asking me.

And now i feel my sisters are expecting me to be concerned for our mother and think I would want to know or should know if she is ill. The truth is i really don't care. I feel i will be relieved if my mother dies. I will then truly be able to close that chapter of my life. Whilst my parents are still around, even though i don't see them or have any contact, i still feel a certain amount of 'tension' from them which i suppose reaches me via my sisters who are still in regular contact with them. Ideally i would like to break contact with my sisters, and for there only to be contact when I want it and on my terms. Of course i know that is never going to be possible.

I am also a bit concerned and angry that my sisters may be subconsciously/inwardly blaming me for our mother's heart condition. I have read some information about heart disease which in my mother's case has probably been building up for years. I do think that the 'shock' of her realising that i meant what i said when i never wanted to see them again and having to finally face up to the truth she has kept buried for years about her husband's abusive behaviour towards me may have triggered the stroke she had a few months ago.

But the alternative would have been that i kept my mouth shut, kept everything bottled up as i had done for years, and made myself ill, and for me to take my feelings out on DH and my DC's. I could have maintained the false family status quo and my parents and sisters would have been happy whilst i would have been miserable and depressed. The way i see it, i have been paying the price for my parent's abuse/neglect for years, most of my life, and i have finally reclaimed my life and indeed myself and put the blame, the burden and responsibility precisely where it belongs, on the shoulders of my parents. And if that makes them ill, then so be it. They only have themselves to blame. You reap what you sow.

There i feel better now. Thanks to anyone who has read this far, i just needed to get that lot off my chest.

Hi oneplus
don't want to butt into whats seems an ongoing thread but wanted to reply to you and say I think you are being very brave and looking out for whats best for you and your family. well done for being strong as it can't have been easy making that decision not to see your parents again, especially as your sisters are still in touch with them. as I said I don;t know any of the background apart from what you've mentioned here but I would say stick to your guns and look after you and yours. as you say you reap what you sow and although it can be hard to understand how parents can be like this and part of you wants them to be proper loving parents I feel that part of growing up is accepting that they have faults and if these things are unforgivable then thats what they are, no-one should make you feel you have to forgive and pretend because they are your mother and father. good luck for the future and hope things improve, you will only grow stronger and happier

ANB, I think you should go talk to your GP sweetheart. You seem to be struggling.

OPO, you really don?t know what your sisters feel, so ruminating on it won?t help you feel better ? it just gives your imagination an opportunity to run wild. You need to try to rein that in, as it rarely gives you a real picture of what is happening, it simply confirms your worst fears.

Also your mother is of an age where these things happen. That?s what happens to us all.

If your mum is ill now I would recommend going to see your GP and maybe getting an appointment with a Community Psychiatric Nurse who will be able to help you make sense of all the conflicting emotions you are feeling now. Believe me, if your mum passes away, it will affect you in ways you can?t imagine now. It?s maybe best to get some help before that happens.

nnn, thank you so much for your post. I guess i was secretly scared of what people would say after i had posted and to read your response made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. I know in my heart i am not doing anything wrong or bad and i am definately doing the best thing for myself and DH and DC's. But so many people wouldn't understand how i feel. Perhaps the taboo on not automatically loving and being loyal to one's parents despite the way they have treated you is even stronger when they are ill/in need of help.

What they did was unforgiveable and they have shown not one sign of genuine remorse or sorrow at the hurt they have caused me pretty much the whole time i had a relationship with them. They have only stopped hurting me now because I put a stop to it by ending our relationship.

MT, thank you for your post. I will mention my mother's illness to my counsellor when i next see her. But i honestly don't think i will feel anything when she dies. I feel fairly sure i have already done my grieving for not having parents who were parents in the true meaning of the word.

I'm glad you took some comfort from what I said, it can't be easy at times for you sticking to your guns and I feel it takes real guts and determination to do what you are doing and you should be really proud of yourself. I'm sure there will be other times you will wobble but better to have the occasional wobble then be screaming inside all the time. As you said people might not understand but it's your life and your happiness and only you are responsible for that. By all means talk to someone about it, you probably have gone down the counselling route anyway but sometimes I think that things can just get filed away in your mind and not everything has to be "dealt with" if you see what I mean, please dont think that I dont think couselling can work as it can but sometimes things are they way they are and thats that, the hard thing is accepting that and letting go. best of luck again and hope to hear how you are getting on

nnn, thank you again, you really seem to understand how i feel about this and that means so much.

I like what you said about simply 'filing' things away in your mind and not needing to deal with them. That's how I feel. I have noted that my mother is having an operation as i have been forced to note it by my sister. I don't need to deal with it as I simply have no feelings for her whatsoever and I can't remember a time when i did have feelings for her.

What i am struggling with right now is whether i should be completely honest with my sister about how i really feel about our mother. I'm not sure why i think i can't be honest with her. I suppose i think she won't be able to accept how i feel and it could mark the end of our relationship. And that would feel like a rejection of me and all that i have been through and it would really hurt. But at the same time what is the point of having a relationship with my sisters if it is totally superficial? Where i can't be honest with them about my true feelings (or lack thereof) towards our parents.

I would be grateful if anyone has any views on this as i really don't know what to do. I haven't responded to my sister's email but i keep rehearsing responses in my mind. But i don't feel i can say what i really want to say. Which is something along the lines of : This woman who you are so concerned about is the same person who did not lift one finger to help or protect me, nor she did she even once speak up on my behalf during the years and years and years of verbal and emotional abuse and assaults and bullying i suffered at the hands of her husband. She can't claim to have not known what was going on as it was happening right under her nose, in front of her.

In a letter she wrote to me a while ago in which she purported to apologise, all she managed to admit was that she had been and still was a coward when it came to standing up to my dad and that she should have stood up for herself more when we were children. That one line in her letter proves to me beyond any doubt, not that i have ever had any doubts about my decision to cut off my parents, that she has never cared for me at all. She only cares about herself, and i can see that she cares about my 2 sisters which is no doubt wny they feel such loyalty and love towards her.

I have seen her manipulate her own children to get what she wants with other people, i have caught her out countless times lying and cheating. She is a woman without integrity, she is dishonest and spineless.

When i had severe PND after having DD she would come to my flat, happily skip past me and coo over DD, not once asking how i was. She either didn't know or didn't care about what a terrible place i was in, all she was concerned about was her right to see as much of her grandchild as she possibly could.

for what it worth I'm not sure if you should be completely honest with your sister as maybe if she questions, doesn't understand, blames you for what you feel then I don't think that'll be good for you either. I think that a lot of people who are outsiders to a situation would still say, "oh but it's your mother, father whoever" and not be able to understand,(due to not having to go through it) where you are coming from when you don't want contact or a relationship. I don;t know past details but your sisters must know something of why you don't have contact and maybe they just want to keep themselves "right" if you know what I mean by letting you know what was happening and giving you a choice about whether you want to get in touch or not as they maybe feel that was the right thing to do rather than not tell you and perhaps feel guilty by keeping it from you. At least they have given you the chance to make a choice. I don;t think they will necessarly validate what yu re thinking/ feeling as they are in a different place from you as far as their relationship with her goes and perhaps you need to accept that they don't feel or see what you see for whatever reasons but this doesn't mean that how they feel is wrong just as how you feel isn't either. It's only my opinion but I feel if they have not acknowledged for whatever reason that how you were treated etc was wrong and terrible then they aren't going to do it when your mother is ill, they will know things deep down but will possibly never admit anything, even to themselves so I don't think its worth trying to get them to do it, trust in your judgement about things. they can't give you what they ae unable to give themselves because in doing that they might have to face and deal with it, that's their isue, not yours.

Oneplusone, I am so sorry for these circumstances that you are facing. I agree with Monkey on getting a professional counselor to help guide you through this.

My Dad had the bypass surgery done. It is a big operation and is serious so it is stressful for the family members.

I completely, completely understand your statement that you do not feel anything for your mom.

Your posts remind me of my past and help resolve a couple of pieces of my puzzle. I didn't cry much when either of my parents passed on. For my mother (when I was 18) I thought it was because I transfered my grief to my dad (Well, he'll be next to go-who knows when-could be tomorrow...). I was not aware of the truth of my relationship with my mother, that she did not love me and never provided emotional support or guidance through my life (rather the reverse with dismissiveness and ridicule). But anyway, to avoid that treatment, I went emotionally numb. I couldn't really grieve her because I was emotionally numb. I grieved my dad instead.

When he passed (I was 36) I had already grieved for him and didn't cry nearly as much as my two sisters. They probably thought I was cold, but I told them it was due to the fact that I had children and they didn't-so I had the comfort of continuation of generation-the circle of life sort of thing that is very comforting in such times.

But no, I think it all goes back to that I was raised in an emotional void and was emotionally numb. So I just didn't feel as much grief even for my dad (whom I was close to), kids or not-previous grieving or not: I was emotionally numb.

I had always thought (with some pride) that I was in control of my emotions, but the truth is that I dind't have amy emotions to control. Pitifully naive come to think of it. Just another piece of embarrassment from being brought up that way.

Sorry that was such an extensive tangent, Oneplusone. You are perhaps, too, emotionally numb towards your mom and her husband. So you won't be (expected to be) affected by what happens to them. I can feel from your posts that you are strong on this point and there is no doubt/guilt/question about it. (Bravo, by the way!)

However, your sisters. They do not understand the way you feel. In this stressful time, they may use you as a diversion to focus their stress, rather than focus on the truth of their mom being in a critical condition. If they pitch this at you, you could respond that all of this is about (and their focus should be on) mom and not you.

To preserve your relationship with your sisters, perhaps you could approach them as their friend-a supportive friend to get through a rough time. As a friend that had never met mom. So you as a friend, would be focused on your sisters, rather than mom. Be very kind and insist that they leave the subject of your feelings towards your parents alone now, the (their) focus should be on mom. There is probably a fine line, but you have made your boundary. Your focus of course won't be on mom, but on your sisters, and making sure they focus on her. With so much focus on her, who knows, maybe they will have an epithany!

The only other thing I can say right now is that time marches on and this is temporary. Time before the surgery, the day of the surgery, and time after the surgery. It will pass.

Got to go, sorry no time to edit .

nnn, thank you again for your post. It makes so much sense. In fact you have articulated what i have been unable to, i have had a mass of jumbled thoughts in my head about all this but you have managed to say what i would have said if i had been able to.

The only issue that i have really is that whereas I do understand my sisters' feelings towards our mother, my sisters cannot even begin to comprehend the fact that i have no feelings towards our parents. My middle sister once said to me that she simply had a different attitude from me towards our parents. What she meant was that we had both been treated equally badly but that she was willing and able to overlook my parents' mistakes and faults and look at the positives.

But she is quite wrong. Because the fundamental point is that we were categorically not treated equally badly by our parents, we were all treated very differently by each of our parents and we all had very different relationships with each parent. I have reiterated this to both sisters a number of times but my middle sister in particular seems unable to grasp what i am saying. She probably never will grasp the truth. My youngest sister seems more able to understand me, not fully, but a little bit at least.

Right now i just don't know how to respond to my sister's email. I just want to ask her why she thought i should know about my mother's op. But i won't say that.

TMSB thank you for your post. And i think i will respond as you have suggested, as a friend who has no personal connection with the mother. Perhaps i can say something along the lines of "I'm sure this is a worrying and stressful time for you. Feel free to call me if you want to talk".

TMSB, it's funny you mention numbness about my mum as i was thinking about this last night. For as long as i can remember i have felt numb about my mother.

I am sure when i was much younger i had the normal childhood love for her that every child has, but i think when i gradually realised my love wasn't reciprocated, i stopped feeling anything at all. When i think back i realise there were lots and lots of little events and incidents that must have 'told' me as a young child that my mother didn't care about me and they all culminated in the final and biggest communication from her that she didn't love or care about me when she stood and watched whilst my dad terribly and violently assaulted me when i was 10. I was absolutely terrified and remember her standing behind my dad but doing absolutely nothing to stop him and i remember thinking that she was watching to see if he did something even worse and then she would step in. But what he did was as bad as it could get really and so i'm not sure what exactly it would have taken for her to step in and protect me. I must have told myself that at the time to make myself feel better about the fact she did nothing, i wanted to believe that she would have done something if my dad had gone completely out of control. But looking back now, he was completely out of control and if she wasn't willing to help or protect me during that assault then it was clear there would never be a time when she would be willing to put herself on the line for my sake. And the only reason for this was because she didn't love me and would always put herself first before me.

And i have to admit to one last thing which i can only do on here. I do want my mother to die. I want to know for sure that she is out of my life forever and the only way that can happen is if she is dead. Whilst she is still alive i know that my sisters will always inwardly be wanting me to contact her and they will have to give up on that idea once she is dead.

I know this is going to sound awful but I'm going to say it anyway because it's the truth. I am glad my mother is suffering and having to go through this. She deserves it. It is justice; she has caused me immense pain and heartache and it is only right that she should suffer now.

AN, I think you are being a lot more underestanding than I can be.

My mother had a rotten time with her father, mother and step mother. I would expect her to try and make things better for her only child.

I know I am making tonnes of mistakes atm with my children but I am trying and they are fed and clothed and not abandoned in favour of the next man.

God, I sound really bitter there. One step forward, two back and a finish of a friendship today so I probably should just go away and be on my own today.

NAB, you are doing a MUCH better job of being a mother than her even with mistakes (which we all make), and you are having to be really strong - you can see what I'm saying about how much strength it takes - and some people, like our parents, didn't have that strength. (Therapist would say "While this EXPLAINS their behaviour, it does not EXCUSE it"). But having explanations does make it feel slightly better (well it does for me anyway).

You shouldn't feel bad if it seems like I am more 'forgiving' than you because to me it sounds like you were treated much worse than me. It is easier for me I think.

We have some friends and the woman was adopted and treated badly by her adoptive mother. Her partner said something that surprised me (because I didn't realise he would be so intelligent/insightful, he had always come accross as a bit of a 'jack the lad' in the past). He said 'A' had a difficult childhood but she has tried hard and is a 50% better mother than her mother but can still be a bitch at times. He said when their children grow up and have their own children, because they were treated better than their mother was, they will do an even better job with their children. He was very uncritical of his partner's mistakes and had a realistic view of how much better she could do than her own mother. She is the start of breaking the chain so that future generations keep improving. I was so impressed by what he said and reassured/comforted myself by it.

However bad we think we are doing, if we compare it to how our parents did, I bet we can all see that we are doing a MUCH better job than they did, even with our mistakes.

AN, I think you are indeed lucky that your brother has acknowledged what he did to you and apologised. That in itself has helped you to heal I would think.

In terms of what my parents did/didn't do, I don't take it personally as I know they are both severely emotionally lacking and damaged themselves. In my case too it was bloody bad luck as you say. But my situation is very hard as i saw my mother being loving towards my 2 sisters. I can understand how this can happen as it is possible for even a mother of twins to feel love for one and not the other, (I saw a documentary about this a while ago), but that knowledge is what i have now. I didn't have this knowledge when i was a child and so could only feel very hurt and isolated at witnessing my mother's love and concern for my 2 sisters but having none of it for myself.

I have cried a lot about this loss, i think i am all cried out to be honest. But if i think about it deeply it does make me feel very sad for the little girl who simply wanted to be loved but wasn't.

I have also been thinking that to be triggered is good as the emotions that are brought to the surface push me a little further along the road of recovery. I am much happier now than i was a while ago, i truly feel and believe that DH loves me. And even though he says only parents can love unconditionally, to me his love seems unconditional as he still loves me despite the absolute nightmare we have been through over the past few years. I have pretty much neglected him completely whilst i have been trying to sort myself out, i look a complete state due to my eczema (although this is improving all the time), we have had arguements because i have been triggered without knowing it and i have blamed him for things which were absolutely not his fault, and yet he has stood by me throughout all this and he still loves me and i feel so lucky that i have him in my life. His love has gone a long way towards filling the void i felt inside me for so long and we seem to have found a stability and closeness that always seemed unattainable before.

AN, i totally agree with what your friend's DH said about the improvement in parenting taking place over generations. It is a ripple effect sort of, and spreads out, gradually over the generations and also sideways. I hope my DC's will have better/healthiers relationships with friends/partners etc than i have had as hopefully they are getting the emotional nourishment they need from me and DH to grow into healthy, secure adults with good self esteem.

AN, one last thing re hypervigilance. I have recently realised i do this too, especially with DH (although less so now).

I used to watch like a hawk his expressions and tone of voice etc and get anxious if i could detect any sort of coldness/hostility. This i realise now is a 'throwback' from my childhood and my dad's unpredictable rages and moods. DH is rarely if ever hostile, if he's under the weather or a bit tired he can be a bit quiet, but i used to interpret this as his being angry/annoyed with me about something and would often turn into a row as i would get defensive and hostile myself.

Becoming conscious of this helps me to 'deprogramme' myself out of this sort of behaviour.

OnePlusOne, I'm relieved someone understands about the hypervigilant thing. How do we stop doing it? By keeping on reminding ourselves when we catch ourselves doing it? I suppose it must be a gradual thing.

Really reading about how your sisters DID get the love and you didn't (it goes against my theory of emotionally ill parents can't love ANYONE). It must have made you feel "What is wrong with me". My friend feels this because out of 6 children she was the only one given away and then ostracised from the family. It's no wonder they have a different view of your parents! How fucking awful to feel so 'shut out'!!! I'm sorry.

Reading it makes me worry about the way I have been til recently with DD and DS. I have always found DS really easy to love and for a while struggled to feel anything for DD. Partly because of the difficult birth I think. Also partly because I was so inexperienced and she was the first. Partly because I was so anxious with her that the fear took over the love at first and it took longer to bond with her than with DS as a baby. Partly because things about DD triggered angry feelings about my bro. I really hope she didn't 'notice' too much and that I am making it up to her enough now. I wonder if your parents had issues in themselves which were the reason they could love one child and not another, but they never thought about it enough/worked at it enough/got any help or advice for it - which they SHOULD have.

Oneplusone-
I'm just guessing here, so for what it's worth- from your post I really don't think you are emotionally numb towards your mom.

While it is ok, imho, to express that here, it is my feeling that if you are sincere about having a relationship with your sisters that you should not (never, ever) say that you wish your mom dead to them. I think that is something that they would hold against you.

As to the comment itself, I think you are well justified to feel that way and to conduct your life accordingly. In my earlier post, I suggested supporting your sisters in this time (I don't know how much contact you have with them, how often you see them, etc.). But if I may reverse my opinion slightly, given your powerful feelings, it may be better to stay in the background at this time. If/when they contact you, respond supportingly to your sisters, without it being about your mom.

If they press you for how you feel about any aspect of your mom's circumstance, just reply, "You already know how I feel about that." And if you have to repeat that over and over, do so. That will be the "wall" statement that is your boundary and you won't get sucked into a negative whirlpool about your mom at this time because your mom is in a critical state and it just wouldn't be appropriate.

I have some understanding of the 24/7 stresses surrounding surgery and I am happy for you if you are truly emotionally detatched.

And fwiw, I am relieved that my mom isn't around anymore. And I have said that to my Oldest Sister (who was in enthusiastic agreement), but never to my lovely Middle Sister.

I am in self destruct mode atm.

Someone said to be today that I was worth more than something I said I would settle for and that was part of my problem.

TMSB, thank you for your post. One line leapt out at me: "I am relieved that my mom isn't around anymore". I am so glad to hear you say that as that is how i feel, I know i will just be releived when she and indeed my dad dies. Just to know that at least one other person understands how i feel means a great deal; I no longer have to try and fight my feelings because i think they are not 'normal'.

I also agree with you that it would be a bad idea to tell my sisters how i really feel about our mother in her current condition; they would NEVER understand me and it would most likely drive us apart. But the very fact that I can't be totally honest with them about how i feel is driving us apart anyway at least from my point of view as I am 'holding back' and that makes the relationship superficial.

But i am able to accept this status quo; at least i don't have to keep my feelings completely to myself, posting on here is a great help and relief.

I just wanted to clarify, mainly for myself really what i meant when i said i was glad that my mother is suffering. What i think i actually mean is that i want her to experience some of what i went through as a child. I was put under immense stress and pressure because of my dad's abuse and unlike my mother, i was only a little girl at the time, in no way equipped to deal with the traumas i went through. And also unlike my mother, i was completely and utterly ALONE in my nightmare; my mother knows my 2 sisters love and care about her and will try and be there for her, I had NOBODY. And so even though my mother may be suffering now, she is still far better off than i was as a child, but i hope she is getting at least a little taste of what it is like to experience extreme stress and trauma. I will never forget the countless times she literally walked away from me when i was in huge distress and i think it is a form of justice that she is suffering now, she most certainly deserves it.

I agree with what you said about staying in the background about my mother and the operation. I feel i ought to respond to my sister's email, but apart from that i am certainly not going to get involved in any way. My sisters have their husbands for support so they are not alone. I will try and be supportive to my sisters, but again there is a bit of block to my doing that because they have not been the least bit supportive of me and what i have been through both as a child and now during my recovery. They have not aknowledged what i went through, and whilst they have not denied my experience totally nor have they openly acknowledged it or validated it. I don't feel sorry for what they are going through now, although i don't think they deserve to suffer like my mother, i also don't think they deserve my support. I will just be neutral, i won't tell them how i really feel about our mother, but nor will i pretend i am overly concerned about how they feel as i am not. That's the sad truth and once again it is all down to my parents and the dysfunctional family they created.

Oneplusone-(thanks for responding, btw)...
Relationship: superficial.

I think you are in a good place now because you've been able to see and process the truth about your family -everyone in all their different roles that they play(ed) in your life; and you have been able to recalibrate your expectations regarding them.

It can be/is painful, sad, shocking, draining to examine and face the truth (everyone here already knows that). And so many people brush it under the rug or otherwise dismiss it with a 'get over it already' without dealing with it. But understanding what will never happen (for example we can not force someone to love us-family or not) is like an epithany so we can then turn the page so to speak and stop junking up our lives kicking that dead horse. (So sorry for so many cliches .)

I am sorry for you that you have such a crap, crap, crap family. I am glad for you that you are not a crap person in spite of them and that you value yourself enough to make effective boundaries to eliminate their toxic influences in your life.

It is sad that the relationship with a sister is superficial. That is where I am with my Middle Sister. For me though, superficial is a positive step because I'll no longer allow her to grind me to dust in the name of her superiority complex. (I've been thinking of naming her superiority complex..."Joan"...as in: 'MS will never be alone, she'll always have Joan with her' .)

TMSB, thank you again for your post. Everything you have said is spot on and I appreciate your understanding of my position.

I agree that understanding what will or at least may never happen is of crucial importance. Whilst i understand in principle that my sisters may never truly understand me, i think i am still navigating what this actually means in practise. And the situation with my mother is a classic example of this. It has taken me almost a week to fully understand my own feelings and to be able to articulate them in relation to my mother's operation and my sisters concern for her. I imagine there may be many more situations that arise where my sisters and I have different and opposing feelings on the matter......perhaps practise at dealing with these situation will eventually make perfect........unlikely I know.

A familiar saying springs to mind at this point, I don't know it all, but a part of it goes something like: "May i have the courage to accept the things i cannot change, and the strength to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference". How true.

It is sad to have superficial relationships with sisters. You are very fortunate that you were able to tell your Oldest sister that you were relieved that your mother was not around anymore and even more fortunate that she agreed with you. I know i will never be in that position of solidarity with even one of my sisters......I'm sure you fully appreciate how lucky you are that you have a sister in the true sense of the word.

OnePlusOne, it sounds like it is hard for you to accept that you didn't/don't have the sort of sisters you would have wanted, similarly to how it was hard to accept that you didn't have the sort of parents you would have wanted.

It sounds like you would like sisters who you could tell everything to, and be totally open and honest about your feelings with, and for them to understand your feelings. It seems like they are not going to understand your feelings about your parents though because they can't feel what it was like to be parented by them the way you were because they were parented by them differently to you. It sounds like you can have a relationship with them where you get some good things out of it but I don't think you can get ALL that you want out of it.

I can see that you want to have a really good connection with at least one or two family members because you don't feel you have your parents and you don't want to feel completely alone and disconnected from all family. This is part of what stops me disconnecting with my brother even though some people think it is unhealthy.

Therapist said to me last session that if you can't get what you need from your 'official' family you could get other people into your life who fulfil the same roles and they can be your family, they don't have to be officially or genetically related to you.

I hope this doesn't upset you (saying maybe your sisters can't be all that you want them to be for you), because it might feel like another loss.