Sakura/OnePlusOne, it is really interesting to hear more than one person talking about things you dont' want in your life causing depression and lack of energy. When more than one person says it and I think it too it just seems more and more true.
Sakura, the way you described your depression sounds so very familiar to how I used to feel all the time (for years) and now just have on the odd few days. I think it has been easing since I started to feel I was getting more and more control in relationships where I felt the other people had control over me.
The depression also seemed to ease from when I met a friend of mine who is very demanding and insecure and wants constant contact for reassurance that I still like her and want to see her and be her friend. At times she has been very hard work and it can get irritating when someone is constantly asking you if you still like them or asking if you are sure they haven't annoyed you. But I stuck with the friendship because I found it very reassuring and comforting myself and she has relaxed more and more with me and is more fun than hard work now.
Some people, including Therapist have questioned whether the friendship is healthy because at times they have thought I was being used (because I have done a lot for her practically and she hasn't done much for me in this way). But she has somehow done a lot for me emotionally.
I feel more secure because I've got someone who never gets fed up of me, never sees me as 'getting in the way' or a 'hindrance' or a 'nuisance' or 'annoyance' to be just tolerated (ways people have made me feel during childhood). I feel wanted, even desperately wanted, and it is something I crave. She seems to admire me rather than being indifferent to me (another feeling from childhood). She is always there for me and I can contact her whenever I want and she is happy to hear from me. I'm reassured every day, usually several times a day, that she still wants me because that is how often we have contact, either face to face, on Facebook, on the phone or via text messages. She seems to really help to fill the void I feel in myself.
My friend was also rejected by her birth parents, parented neglectfully/abusively by her adoptive parents then rejected by them as well and rejected by the whole extended family who are too scared of key people's 'wrath' if they have contact with her. She is an inspiration in her strength despite all that to be a good mother herself and to work at making friends and getting people into her life. She is very well presented and attractive and really 'gets on with it' and grabs opportunities to connect with people.
She is incredibly brave. Eg. she went to a family funeral recently (not that they wanted her there) and faced them all and their nasty glares etc with dignity. She cried for her dead relative (one that had shown a small amount of interest in her once) and her birthmother, birthfather, and adoptive parents completely ignored her and acted like she wasn't there rather than offering her any comfort. She could have left but she stayed til the end to show her respect to her dead relative.
She had no role models for any type of relationships and wasn't really allowed to have any friends as a child or hardly allowed to leave the house which is why she can come accross as 'strange' because she is still learning what is normal. She says she didn't even know how to cuddle her children when she first had them.
I feel that her situation and mental state are 'worse' than mine in many ways but I understand/empathise with her and she understands exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about my stuff and can feel how I feel because she has experienced it herself. She doesn't always say the right things but I can feel that she understands and feels for me.
Because she knows how awful rejection feels she is incredibly careful not to do anything rejecting towards anyone else (I am careful about this too). I have real faith that she will never drop me because someone 'better' has come along (this has happened to me a lot in the past and is something I really fear - people leaving me, and because I am not 'good enough'). She makes me feel important (another thing I crave) and I can have an important place in her life almost beyond friendship because she has no family (that she has any positive contact with) so I am a bit in this role. With other friendships I have felt that they found me 'too much' and too intense and didn't want to see me too often. Most people don't want this type of unnaturally close friendship but it really seems to help me.
Therapist said to me the other day that family is not just people who are related to you by blood or who brought you up. He said if these people are no good for you, you shouldn't have to feel you must keep them in your life just because our society finds it so shocking if you reject your parents. Just by the fact that they are parents doesn't automatically make them good people who are good for you to be around. He said that you should go out and find people who can fulfil the roles of family in your life and it doesn't matter if they are 'blood' or not, they can become your family.
I didn't realise I was going to go on so much about my friend! But I feel she was the start of breaking me out of my depression then the therapy and letter writing and setting of what boundaries I want with contact with family etc have helped on top of that.