"But we took you to stately homes" - Part 4

[oneplusone]

Can't beleive we're onto part 4, although i can't see this thread ever dying.

I was just reading through past posts to try and catch up on the months i have missed and something somebody said has triggered something for me. I know my mother didn't bond with me or love me and i think part of the reason why was because she thought i took after my dad whom she hates (although she is too gutless to leave him). I remember when i was young her saying things like my hair was like my dad's but she wouldn't say it an affectionate way, but quite a venomous way and it always made me feel uncomfortable when she said that but i must have been too young to figure out why.

The more i realise about my mother the more i despise and hate her. I remember she used to play hide and seek with me when i was very young, about 3. Only she would 'really' hide in a place i would never be able to find her. I remember crying and feeling completely distressed one time as i thought she had gone and left me alone at home. It was only after i had been crying for some time that she jumped out laughing from her hiding place. What a nasty, cruel, ugly piece of work and she parades around looking as if butter wouldn't melt and she has a lot of people fooled including my 2 sisters. I know my dad can see her for what she is which is why she hates him and i can see her true colours too which is why i hate her.

I know inside she is deeply insecure, lacks intelligence, strength and integrity. I have witnessed her lie, manipulate and cheat to get what she wants and the people to whom she lies and those who she manipulates are us, her own family. I just can't beleive my sisters cannot see through her, they are totally blind and deaf to her true character and have completely fallen for the victim role she has carved out for herself.

Cutting off my parents was the best thing i ever did and i have realised i need to set some boundaries with my sisters, my last remaining friend and even DH. How to do that is another thing, something completely new to me.

Is that how all the newcomers start? I wish I had time to look back through all the stately homes threads. I have great respect for all of you here. I will google the terms you suggest. I have to whizz out soon but I will be back. Many thanks for your support.

I think you are completely right that Christmas intensifies everything, as does New Year. The festive season is a stark reminder of failure and disappointments. So much focus is put on families that those of us who have negative situations are forced to think about all of those things - our disappointments and other peoples failures.

The fact that you can say that this year was better than last year is actually more positive than you might realise right now. OK, it wasn't perfect, but any improvement is a good sign and you should take a little positivity from that.

Getting hugely pissed is not the end of the world, we have all done it in a mist of bottled up emotions, said things we should not have said, done things we should not have done and then spent weeks cringing and feeling like a waste of space, punishing ourselves mentally.

Personally, I think that one of the biggest steps that you (or anyone) will take is to stop punishing yourself over the things you cannot change and attain a level of acceptance. That is the hardest thing ever and when it happens, there is a moment of absolute clarity. You can't change your brothers situation, he is responsible for himself. Yes, you can feel guilty about him or sad for him which is completely natural but to be honest, it is muddying your own healing.

Sometimes we don't get answers or reasons and that fact is so frustrating. Mostly in life, when something happens, we get a 'reason' or 'answer' that allows us to move on, not to forget, but to move on. However, when we don't get answers or reasons, we become stuck in a vortex of wondering 'why'. It's impossibly cyclical.

Don't know if it has been mentioned before but there is a book called 'Emotional Intelligence' which is very good, it helped me anyway. It doesn't solve anything but it does explain how to apply exactly the right amount of emotion to any given situation.

I don't know if any of that helps. I speak from a position of having come out the other side. No matter where you are just now, just be assured that you can and will get through this.

And no, you are not a failure as a mother! I won't have you saying that!! You are a person who realises you have issues and you are working very hard to sort yourself out. If other people did what you are doing, then perhaps you would not be in this situation in the first place. You are the one who is making the changes and that is something to be very proud of and your children will benefit from that

I met my barrister today and saw my solicitor. Making our plan for what we do next wrt a claim against social services and in individual and I was absolutely stressing about it.

It wasn't as bad as expected (only cried twice but got stroppy a few times!) and now I know a bit more about what we are doing. Have to go get DS2 now.

Nab, well done you for going through with this, you are making a stand and that is an incrediably courageous thing to do, even if you are stressed/scared/angry your still doing it, all those feelings make you a much more amazing individual than your foster father (I think from memory it was who abused you) could ever possibly be. What/when is the next thing you have to do?

Threadworm, yes its how everyone starts I'm guessing its because we have all been brought up to believe our feelings are not valid.

Actingnormal, not read all your post but sleep is a major issue for me...I'm foul without a good nights kip, it really affects my ability to deal with little things and my dd's moods. Have you tried (and you may have already so sorry if I'm repeating) writing down what is in your head half hour before bedtime, just to get it out of the way? I also find being on MN and chatting on here also actually makes me sleep worse as I'm thinking not just of my own issues and how I could have expressed myself better, but of other peoples issues and how I could have helped more/expressed myself better...or things to say here the next day.

Off now, tea burning...!

A letter of claim will go out shortly and then we wait to see what his reposnse will be.

We are out of time to persue a claim against social services and if we did try and lost it would cost thousands. I will take the pittance they have offered for not getting back to me sooner, for approving them and for something else, and then spend it all on toys for the children's room at hospital.

How can he respond Nab? Is it a 'yes I did it will plead guilty' type of reply you hope for...

Not good about social services tho...at least other children will benefit in some way tho from your generosity...

You really are being amazing...don't give up. Maybe even try a bit of pride in yourself for fighting back? Hope you do feel a bit proud of yourself?

I very much doubt he will admit to it. It has never been about money so I have told my barrister I would accept a lot less money to avoid going to court.

His options are:

Do nothing
Say he wants his day in court
Pay me off to get it over with.

I feel a bit relieved about the social services thing tbh. I know I tried. I made my point. I didn't get the full apology I wanted but the fact they have offered money means they know they did wrong in my eyes.

I don't feel proud, not sure.

Well NAB, I think you should be proud, you are an inspiration!

HG, thank you so much for your post. I felt reassured and comforted by it, which brought a tear to my eye as those are feelings I always crave. I'll try that book, thank you. I think you are very right about Acceptance. I'm impressed you managed to make so much sense out of my long winded post!

Hello all. HG, thank you for your post, you have helped me too.

I just wanted to (hopefully briefly) say what I have been going through. Today I can say that I feel the happiest I have felt in a long, long, long time. For years.

I think I have finally come to accept some fundamental truths about myself and my childhood. And that is why I know what HG says is so right, acceptance is the HARDEST thing ever. Accepting something that you simply DO NOT WANT to be true.

Somehow over the last few days I have accepted, on an emotional level as opposed to an intellectual level, that I have never received and never will receive the unconditional love that I needed as a child. As an adult I have been longing for unconditional love, and have been looking to DH for this. DH constantly told me that he loved me but i couldn't and wouldn't beleive it, as it was not the sort of love I wanted and needed. His love, I knew was conditional, and therefore in my eyes, it simply wasn't love.

I don't really know what triggered it, but over the last few days, i have cried and cried and cried about the fact that I have never known and probably never will know the unconditional love that a parent has for his/her child. I can only really imagine the happiness, closeness and feeling of safety and security that a parent's unconditional love must bring to a child. I suppose i was crying as i was grieving for a loss i suffered in childhood, but it wasn't really a loss, it was something i never ever had.

I realised this on an intellectual level a long time ago, but i know that the past few days have been about me 'feeling' it on an emotional level.

But the wonderful thing is that i am now able to accept that DH does love me, as he has said all along, and i truly believe and feel that he does love me. And i feel transformed. I can't really describe it, but I feel so happy. For the first time in my 38 years, i truly feel loved by another person. It is a totally new experience for me. And such a contrast to so many times in the past when I have been in the depths of despair, suicidal.

I don't want to ramble on, but I just wanted to say that there definately is light at the end of the tunnel. Love to you all. x

It is the guilt sometimes that is so hard isn't it?

I sometimes think I am over reacting, that my parents are not that bad and I am just being a horrible person.

But then I remember the years of character assinations, criticisms, bullying and lack of love/support. It can't be in my head?

I don't often post on this thread but I do read it. It is a wonderful thing and I feel deep sympathy with all of you, and respect that you are trying to break the cycle of toxic parenting.

I do harp on about this a bit but a big problem I feel is society's perception of the problem. We are expected to love, respect and like our parents. It is taboo to admit otherwise. Even my own DH who is wonderful did not fully understand until one horrible visit to my parents.

My parents didn't sexually or physically abuse me (and God how awful for the people who have suffered this), I was always fed, clothed and had toys etc. But what about the covert mental abuse that can happen? Sometimes you feel it is in your head.

My Dad made a wonderful speech at my wedding. Told everyone that I was his little princess and he was proud of me etc. Of course people think what a nice Dad.

They don't know about the time he stood me on scales at the age of 12 and told me I was a 'fat cow'. Or that he went to hit me once because I hadn't mopped the stairs at the school he works at (I had a part time job there as a teenager) even though I was told not to by the head cleaner. That he bullied me into being a runner because he hadn't lived his dream of being a top athelete and that he would sulk and not speak to me properly for days because I hadn't raced well or only came third. That he has taken no interest in other aspects of my life, because they don't interest him e.g. reading and writing. That he constantly criticised me for being overweight (even though I wasn't) and once told me I was a 'phoney' because the only reason people liked me was because they didn't know the real me. That when I got new clothes he always wanted to see me in them and parade, so that he could inspect what I looked like in them and make sure I didn't look fat (in an almost pervy way).

And my wonderful mother stood by passively letting him treat me like this and even backed him half the time (because of her need to be praised). That she told me she hated me on more than one occasion.

I could go on, just ranting

roseability, i can relate to what you have said. I also suffered emotional, verbal and psychological abuse as opposed to sexual or physical abuse (although i did get hit a few times and felt physically threatened many times).

I was also fed, clothed and had toys etc. Materially my parents provided well. But emotionally i was completely starved of love, kindness, care, affection, warmth. These are basic human needs just as much as food and water. And they are crucial for the healthy development of children.

So, what you went through was not all in your head, it was real, and just because there may be no physical or outward signs of your suffering, does not make it any the less real.

I totally relate to what you say about the societal taboo about criticising one's parents. Alice Miller has written a lot about this and you may find it benefical to read some of her books.

I have found that the most important thing is to follow my heart, and if I feel that something is not right, or if somebody has hurt me in some way, even if i can't always quite put my finger on it, that it is very important to take my feelings seriously and not dismiss them as silly or wrong.

I am glad you have found this thread helpful, for me, it has been a lifesaver at times.

Hi oneplusone and actingnormal

Oneplusone - that feeling you experienced is the feeling I am talking about and congratulations At some point, it just happens and it's like "wow". I got to a very low point before that happened to me but when it did, things started to change rapidly. I made very brave decisions. I cut all of my family (mum, Aunts, cousins, you name it) out of my life except for my father. He is not perfect and our relationship is not perfect but I accept him nowadays and accept that he will let me down, but I accept that I cannot change him. I have tried but nothing works. So I decided when having the family clearout that I was willing to take my chances on him and am glad I did.

I also had a friend clearout. Dropped all the friends who I felt did not make the same efforts in the friendship as me. Now I am left with 3 very close long term friends who I would trust with my life and several other acquaintances who I socialise with but don't expect anything from or talk about personal stuff to.

That was my way of stopping people from letting me down and me spending too much time depressed about it and pretending I didn't feel let down which was just horrible, draining, embarrassing. Maybe the way I was acting or being, was attracting me to people who were not good for me? People who talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. And now I simply don't allow people to treat me like shit anymore - no way jose. I am not a hard person, I have just become very fussy about the people I want in my life and that comes with increasing your sense of self worth.

Like you, I also accepted that someone could love me just for being me, my DH. He is brilliant and he persevered with me and jumped through hoops to convince me that he won't let me down, he listens, he cares and he wants what is best for me no matter what. Never in a million years did I think I could trust a mere man!! It is truly amazing and if I can do it, anyone can! This realisation for you IMO is one of the single biggest things you will do and puts you firmly on the road to acceptance A big giant well done!!!

You will probably find yourself making a lot of changes in the near future, good changes

And by the way, dropping friends/family was the answer for me, I am not saying that is the answer for everyone because we all have our own sense of who or what we need in our lives.

Sorry for the ramble, I will be back in a moment with a big cup of tea as I have things to say to actingnormal

Actingnormal

I don't even know if or how anything I can say helps but if I type it out here, you can choose the things that maybe you can relate to and hopefully gain some comfort or clarification. I don't mean to talk about myself, the things you talk about remind me of things that happened to me that brought about the same feelings you are describing so forgive me for relaying my stories in response. I am no expert so here goes.

It is absolutley no coincidence that you got pissed after feeling so angry after Christmas. I used to let things build up, the sense of anger and injustice I felt was overwhelming. I used to hide it till I got to the point where the only way I could deal with it was to get blasted, make an arse of myself (Jesus if I had £1 for every time ), cause dramas and generally have a massive blow out. Then I'd spend days apologising, wallowing in self pity, feeling embarrassed and lost and seeing no end. It is a self destruct mechanism and I believe it is a learned behaviour and cyclical. I sometimes still get drunk but I don't have the massive fallout afterwards. It is now an enjoyable experience, no puking, no blackouts, no crying, shouting etc etc. I still make an arse of myself but it is more normal and definitely laughable.

The days after the drunken self destruct were TERRIBLE. Anxiety, worthlessness, depression and questioning my life. It's hell. But, it is something I had to do at the time. Rock bottom was a place I visited on many occasions. The funny thing is, I regretted it then, but I don't regret it now. It was all part of the journey that got me to where I am now. I know that sounds crazy but it is true.

I think you are being very hard on yourself, very hard. You are not a drip. You are sad because you wish that things could have been better and you wish that you had answers. There is no weakness in thinking like that at all. I actually see a lot of strength in you. You have a DH, you have children and you are not scared to say on here how you feel, you attend counselling. You connect your reactions and feelings to things that have happened that trigger you or make you project, how many 'weak' people do that? All these things I get from your last post, signs of someone who is facing up to life and trying to fix things. Honestly, one day you will look back and see this.

As for acceptance, I have talked a bit about it on here previously. Acceptance IMO is a necessary step, completely essential but it is a positive choice you have to make. And, you can ONLY make that choice when you are totally ready. For me it was after all options had been exhausted. I tried making everyone happy, walking on eggshells, complying, acting like I wasn't hurt, trying to fit in etc etc, I am sure you know it all through your own experience.

I had 2 choices, live my life like before or accept the past, dump my baggage, choose my future and go for it. To choose to live my life like before seemed the easiest choice but that was because it was a learned behaviour that I was so used to and I didn't know any different. After the acceptance, the rest was easy so I am not going to talk about that because it is such an individual thing.

Acceptance is the bitter pill. It is the backing down and not fighting anymore for justice. It is stopping being stubborn. It is a very painful process to undertake. It is giving in to what you don't want to give in to. It is taking away other peoples power to hurt you. It is letting others mess up their own lives without trying to save them. It is knowing that for some people, you will always be 2nd best. It is going against the grain of all the learned behaviour. Please excuse my language but acceptance is a complete b*stard. It is the one thing we try to avoid because it has a finality that is unknown until we do it. However, it is the key that unlocks the potential. It is a double edged sword. Actually accepting is arggghhhh, yuck, horrible....but...the aftermath is wonderful.

The good thing is that you can choose what to accept, where/who to give leniency and chances and you can add your own terms and conditions to it. Acceptance can be as flexible as you want it to be and I believe your healing entirely depends on that. Things can change in the future, people change, circumstances change and you decide if you want to make allowances.

It is like an emotional spring clean. It's the last thing we can be bothered doing but when we do, it's a great feeling. Walking in to your house and everythings clean, fresh and spotless you can just relax knowing there is not a pile of dishes or a stack of washing to be done. Imagine that feeling inside your head because that is what it feels like.

I feel like I am rambling again I can't help being all sort of evangelical on this subject, I feel very passionately about it. People who haven't been thru it don't understand it. I can't help repeating that there is another side, you can and will get thru it. That elusive happiness is there, just waiting patiently for you to grab it. Your life is too short not to grab it.

If there's anything I can do, please let me know. On the same note, if anyones sick of me banging on, then please also let me know and I'll shut up I'm pretty thick skinned nowadays and can take it

May I rant here please!!.

My parents are acting crap again; I am heartily sick of them. I cannot honestly recall the last time we all saw them (we were unwell in the run up to Christmas so a planned visit by them was called off). They're going on holiday again next week so won't see them then and god knows when we'll meet. I'm fed up of coming last.

I phoned my Mum earlier on to see if we will see them this weekend. Answer no - too busy.
They have spent most of today housesitting at my brother's (single, no dependents, works full time) waiting for the repair man as one of his radiators is not working properly. They drove past the turning to my road on their way home!.

Between this shower and my truly shite N IL's (they'd make a good case study for RaJ Persaud) they are all an abject lesson in how not to behave frankly.

Feel bit better now!!.

Attila

P.S nice to see you back Ally!. Was wondering how you were getting on. Where's Smithfield, hope she's okay.

HG, please, whatever you do, do NOT stop posting. I love your last post (and your other posts) and your description of acceptance.....amazing. I simply couldn't desribe it, but you have done it perfectly.

Sorry, have to DS wants me.

Thanks oneplusone. I am dealing with it much better than I used to (had counselling and anti depressants) and really trying to create the non toxic family I always dreamed of. It will always affect us in some way though I suppose

HolyGuacamole has reached zen...ye gods I have so not accepted what has happened...Oneplusone...very happy for you... onwards and upwards!

Attila, so you want them to visit you? What do you want to do? Show they care or do you want to confront them? Suspect the latter is more likely than the former...I can totally relate to how you feel...always pushed to one side when the 'special' one needs them...as if blinkered to your very existance or the fact you have feelings too...but there again are you not the one who is independant? You truly do not deserve parents who behave like that towards you...how can they miss how fantastic a person you are? Its their loss...and sad that they cannot see you for who you are. xxxx

Nab, surely he cannot just do nothing? And even if you are not proud of you I feel proud to know you, even online...it takes tremendous courage to do something like this...I can only imagine what your going through, each time I read your posts I feel so angry and sad that you have to go through this...you may even be an inspiration to others here to do the same...bet your not thinking your an inspiration to anyone...but you are...and your dc, I imagine they must feel some respect for you doing this? and your dh? You may feel in pieces but that's what bravery and courage is about, being scared and doing it anyway...that's real bravery. xxx

Hi Rosability can totally relate to all your post...particually about society...I get so sick of the 'mothers are angels in disguise' mentality...I'm a mother and I'm no angel and nor do I want my children to think that! I hope for their respect and hope I earn it. What I do for them till they leave home is without a pricetag or strings attached. Your fathers behaviour is a wee bit childish...sulking??? He sounds awful. The personal comments I got too...and I often get the 'is it just me?' then I think back to the look on my mothers and sisters faces when they taunted me about my clothes/hair/body/social skills (ha!)/friends etc... I'm bemused how they can conveniently 'forget' everything because I sure as hell can't. Oh and I got the 'fat' card too...I tell you...I have a weight slip from boots from when I was 15...I was 5.8ft and weighed all of 9 stone!!! And I was told I had puppy fat or my sister told me straight I was fat!! Amazing how disturbed our parents/siblings must be to say these things that are not even true...and say them even if they were true to see the hurt on your face...they really are the one's with the problem...not us.

I'm getting up to date with this thread, but I can only spend half an hour a day on it, or else the housework slips a bit!

I'm struggling with a difficult relationship with my mother and her partner. They are both very damaged people, and dysfunctional, and incredibly hard to be around. Thinking about what they have done and continue to do to each other and to me and my siblings (and now my kids too, given half a chance) makes me feel very anxious and unhappy. I think they are both passive-aggressive, both invalidators. My mum particularly is a Victim with a capital V and her partner can be very cruel and emotionally abusive.

I notice things I do which seem like them and it makes me frightened and furious with myself. I'm trying really hard to be sane, but fucking hell it isn't easy is it?

Christmas was appalling. But sort of good, as I have drawn aline under the past and said that I won't put up with all that anymore.

I'm going to protect my kids from them, and change myself for the better too.

Hi Ally

Good to see you back, am glad your pg is going well.

Re your comments:-

"Attila, so you want them to visit you? What do you want to do? Show they care or do you want to confront them? Suspect the latter is more likely than the former..."

I would have said both in the dim and distant past but now I'm angry with this daft pair. I've had it with the two of them!!.

"I can totally relate to how you feel...always pushed to one side when the 'special' one needs them...as if blinkered to your very existance or the fact you have feelings too...but there again are you not the one who is independant?
hmm

Thanks Ally. I am independent (primarily methinks because there have been so many steps I've had to learn on my own!) y'see when I was living at home I was also "trusted" i.e left to get on with it. Didn't quite realise it at the time but its obvious now. I would also like them to acknowledge me. Well us really. But it ain't happening and likely won't, I realised that some time back. They do have a grandchild whom they have not seen in god knows how long. And that makes me sad too.

"You truly do not deserve parents who behave like that towards you...how can they miss how fantastic a person you are? Its their loss...and sad that they cannot see you for who you are. xxxx"

You are too kind honestly!!. I don't really think mis parentes see it as a loss though.

Thanks again, I am very grateful to you.

Attila x

Thanks oneplusone

I will keep posting, I am just afraid of sounding like a patronising pain in the ass or a know it all. So many times when I was going through my stuff, I didn't really want anyone to say "just do this thing or that thing and everything will be honky dory in just a jiffy" so I don't want to come across like that if you know what I mean.

Ally90 - If Zen is in Scotland, 50 lovely long miles away from my MIL, then yes, I have reached it! Heehee!

AN, I just wanted to respond to one of your earlier posts where you said you felt tired a lot of the time and seemed to need more sleep than DH (forgive me if i've got that a little wrong). But I used to feel exactly the same, i just wanted to sleep all the time and never felt like i had much energy.

All of a sudden, since my recent acceptance that my parents did not love me unconditionally, and my subsequent acceptance that DH does in fact truly love me as he has said all along, I have this burst of energy. I don't know if it will go again, and i will feel tired once more, but I am sure it is due to what i have been through recently. I think holding onto things uses up a lot of energy and once you are able to 'let go' you suddenly feel liberated and energised.

I also feel more able to get on top of the housework and i am sure it is because my mind feels clearer and is not 'fogged'.

My feeling tired all the time was almost like a disability, i just about managed to cope with the bare essentials but anything else was impossible.

HG, I so agree with everything you have said and my therapist said the same things in different words the other day! I did feel I was 'doing' those things and then Christmas made me have a blip and a wobble! It is good to be reminded how to get back to the state of mind you described.

OnePlusOne, I feel that it is partly Christmas that has drained and exhausted me because I had some really intense feelings as well as doing a lot of rushing around and extra things for the children compared to normal. It is partly drinking too much which affects me for ages afterwards and partly because DH has had problems at work and working most evenings and all night one night so I haven't had help with the DCs and haven't been able to sleep when he isn't in bed.

But I do think there is a lot in what you say and that my mind was getting clearer before Christmas and then got a bit clouded again and all that shit in your head wears you out! It's one of the symptoms of depression isn't it, which I have phases of almost slipping back into but have been really beating it during the last year. I think with a bit more space and time now Christmas is over I can do my typing on the laptop and clear my mind out again and then I will stop feeling so exhausted.

I was so happy to read about your change in feelings about your DH, tears came into my eyes, like relief for you, because I used to feel how you used to describe about my DH and then it got better and I wanted that for you. Therapist said in his experience of talking to lots and lots of people with our type of background there will ALWAYS be a bit of a void in us that will never be completely filled, but it can be lessened a lot. I think we were expecting our DHs to completely fill the void and when they couldn't we felt disappointed by them and felt they didn't love us at all and couldn't see that they can fill a large part of the void, just not all of it. I've still had blips where I feel like things are 'hopeless' for a day or two but mostly it is ok now.

Oh i totally believe that if you clean out the skeletons in your closet, your life automatically gets easier in lots of little ways.
For me I can't say it has been continuously getting better-more like one step forward two steps back, but then thats better than peddling backwards through life!

Even when I wasn't living at home, when my mother was in my life I would take to my bed all day, sometimes for days. I kind of knew I was depressed, but I thought it was normal. I couldn'T function regarding housework and sometimes even regarding personal hygene (laundry, fresh socks etc). This was terrible for me because I am a perfectionist. Even at my lowest point i always made sure I had clean hair and make-up on thought. Maybe that gave me some sense of control (like anorexics!).

It has slowly been getting better and yes, it is a LOT easier to keep on top of housework, bill-paying etc, adult things, now that she is out of my life.

She called last week. I accidentally picked up the phone to her. The first thing she said was (in a businesslike tone), "SAkura, have you got a pen handy..."
THis is the woman who wanted to use the courts to try to get "custody" of my baby without my consent i.e. the WORST enemy I have in the world. Why would I casually want to write down ANY information she might have for me?! I calmly told her I was busy and put the phone down. It threw me for the rest of the day. NO housework got done on that day, no dinner, and DD was in front of the TV much of the day. When I saw the effect that tiny conversation had on me, I knew for sure that I had absolutely made the right decision in kicking her out of my life. Imagine if she had a full-time influence over me. I'd be a nervous wreck again like I was before.