Hi all, once again I haven't posted on here for a while. It's almost a case of so much has been going on I didn't know where to start if i did post. I still don't know where to start really.
One thing i have realised once again is that so much if not all of what i feel about DH (in a negative way) actually originates from when i was a child. I just don't seem to be able to make myself aware of it until it's too late and a load of resentment builds up in me against DH and we end up having a row and usually it's only then that i realise he has been triggering feelings in me from the past.
One instance i was aware that i was being 'triggered' was recently. DS was crying for his daddy, standing at the bottom of the stairs and really sobbing. I knew DH could hear DS but he seemed to be ignoring him. I then found myself thinking all sorts of negative things about DH but quickly realised that in fact these were feelings from my past. I felt DH was being cold, callous, hard-hearted and uncaring by not responding to DS when he was sobbing. But in fact this is how i must have felt about my parents, especially my dad when i was younger. I remember we used to have loads of rows and i usually used to end up sobbing and sometimes running out of the house. I knpow i desperately wanted one of my parents to run after me and take me back inside and tell me they loved me which of course they never did. At the time i must have felt that my parents were cold, uncaring, callous and hard-hearted as they showed no concern for me when i was obviously hugely upset and distressed. Instead they didn't seem to care at all and probably couldn't care less if i ran out of the house and never returned.
I also remember feeling that i was resented by my dad, that he felt angry and bitter towards me and wanted to wash his hands of me. I felt he got annoyed if i was ill and it meant he had to look after me as it was an extra chore for him to do. And i have been imagining DH somehow feels this way to me when it is simply not the case and i have only recently realised that those feelings were evoked by my dad many years ago. I felt that way for years though, so it is such a familiar feeling, it's almost my 'default' setting. I hope that now i am more aware of it i won't project my feelings onto DH so much.
I remember when i got my A level results. I didn't get enough points to go to my first choice of uni but they offered me a place for the following year. I was considering taking up their offer and perhaps working for a year or something. I remember mentioning this to my dad and he was totally against it and pretty much made me go to my second choice uni which had offered me a place that year. I remember feeling quite shocked and hurt that all my dad seemed to want to do was get me out of the house and off to uni asap. He certainly didn't seem to consider what would be in my best interests which would have been to go to the better uni a year later. He was just thinking about himself, he hated me and wanted me out from under his feet that year and therefore forced me to go to a uni i didn't really want to go to. He really resented me and was always very bitter towards me. He disliked me because i was hostile towards him because of his abuse but blamed me for my hostility, he refused to acknowledge that my hostility was solely as a result of his abuse. I probably reminded him every day of his dark side and by getting rid of me he was probably more able to forget what he had done to me when i was younger and pretend it had all never happened. He could play happy families with my 2 sisters who he hadn't abused and so weren't hostile towards him. Without me around the family was a lot 'happier' in his eyes, with less rows and anger. So, as if i didn't know already, i can see even more clearly now how i was made the scapegoat, the black sheep, blamed for the rows within the family, whilst my parents acted like innocent victims who had the misfortune to be burdened with a hostile, ungrateful daughter. What a vile pair my parents are, i hope they are suffering now.
I have also realised that after all my efforts to 'de-tox' from my parents' poison, by reading the letter sent by mum a while ago, i have actually been poisoned again. I have realised that what she said in the letter is constantly playing on my mind and making me angry. I already suspected that she would playing her victim role to the hilt with my sisters and i'm sure she is actually enjoying the extra attention they are probably giving her and the extra concern for her health and heart condition. When i spoke to my sister the other day, on the phone to me she sounded quite cold and unfriendly, even though she had said i should call her as we haven't spoken for a while. I have this constant feeling that whilst my sisters appear to want to be in touch with me and don't resent me for cutting off my parents, actually inside they do feel angry and resentful towards me because in their eyes i am the one who has upset our mother when she is a victim herself. I realise that it is not the case that they are completely blind to my mother's true character, as in relation to my sisters she has in fact been a much better mother. She seems to have a bond with both of them and does geniunely care about them and makes an effort to be there for them and support them including times when my dad is abusive towards them. She has never been this way with me, she and i have a completely different relationship, we are poles apart and have no bond or closeness, but i know my sisters just cannot imagine or comprehend this. The only experience they have of my mother is based on their own relationships with her and they just cannot conceive of her as a cold and distant and uncaring mother as she was with me.
I know i should just give up on a relationship with my sisters as i know i will forever be hurt and disappointed by them, they will always love our mother first and foremost, and i don't know if i even feature on their list. But if i do it seems so unfair, once again i have done nothing wrong, but because of my parents i have to suffer yet another loss. But there is no way of forcing them to understand my position and my relationship with my mother, even if i talked to them i just don't think they can understand. My middle sister once said to me that she has a different attitude to our parents than me. She thinks we have all been equally abused but that she is big hearted enough to forgive and forget and that i am just mean and harsh as i refuse to forgive and forget. The truth is of course that we have not been equally abused, i was far more severely abused than she was and i also did not have the benefit of a close and loving relationship with our mother, hence my attitude towards our parents. I would have thought my sister would understand this as i have explained it to her, but based on what she said, she clearly does not.
I feel guilty for tarring DH with the brush that belongs to my dad, but i don't know how to stop doing it. I need to try and make myself much more aware of when i am being triggered by DH, but that seems to be much easier said than done.
Ok, rant over, thanks to anyone who has read this far.