"But we took you to stately homes" - Part 4

[oneplusone]

Can't beleive we're onto part 4, although i can't see this thread ever dying.

I was just reading through past posts to try and catch up on the months i have missed and something somebody said has triggered something for me. I know my mother didn't bond with me or love me and i think part of the reason why was because she thought i took after my dad whom she hates (although she is too gutless to leave him). I remember when i was young her saying things like my hair was like my dad's but she wouldn't say it an affectionate way, but quite a venomous way and it always made me feel uncomfortable when she said that but i must have been too young to figure out why.

The more i realise about my mother the more i despise and hate her. I remember she used to play hide and seek with me when i was very young, about 3. Only she would 'really' hide in a place i would never be able to find her. I remember crying and feeling completely distressed one time as i thought she had gone and left me alone at home. It was only after i had been crying for some time that she jumped out laughing from her hiding place. What a nasty, cruel, ugly piece of work and she parades around looking as if butter wouldn't melt and she has a lot of people fooled including my 2 sisters. I know my dad can see her for what she is which is why she hates him and i can see her true colours too which is why i hate her.

I know inside she is deeply insecure, lacks intelligence, strength and integrity. I have witnessed her lie, manipulate and cheat to get what she wants and the people to whom she lies and those who she manipulates are us, her own family. I just can't beleive my sisters cannot see through her, they are totally blind and deaf to her true character and have completely fallen for the victim role she has carved out for herself.

Cutting off my parents was the best thing i ever did and i have realised i need to set some boundaries with my sisters, my last remaining friend and even DH. How to do that is another thing, something completely new to me.

OnePlusOne, your post is so very sad. You seem to have a lot of understanding of the situation though and what you said made a lot of sense to me. I recognise that 'numbing out' thing so that you can cope with more and more incidents (reminds me of my brother's treatment of me). Your first reaction to each incident became NOT to react, not to feel anything (to protect yourself), but each time it is like another little bit of YOU is destroyed. It can become such a habit that in later life when you NEED to react or express feeling you just can't make yourself unlock it.

I think feeling and expressing your feelings about the worst handful of incidents would be enough wouldn't it? I really hope you feel able to do this with your therapist soon.

I'm not sure I have done it yet even though I do feel so much better. I've told Therapist everything but without expression. I've cried soundlessly a tiny bit and ranted a bit to him but don't feel I've really expressed it. I still don't feel relaxed enough that anyone could witness it without thinking I was stupid and melodramatic.

AN I think everything that my children do that isn't what I would like is my fault.

I don't seem to have any control over them. I can't get them to do what I ask, they have no respect for me and I just find I get really stressed when they don't do simple things I have asked of them.

AN, I so know what you mean when you say your mother seems 'relieved' when you tell her about something crap thats happened. My mother used to show obvious signs of pleasure when I contacted her if something bad had happened. She absolutely loved the fact I was emotionally and financially dependant on her (being her child and all that ) I took her happy involvement in my life tragedies as a sign that she was a good mother, 'always there for me in a crisis'. Until I realised that she was only happy if there was a crisis. Otherwise she never EVER called me, was absolutely not interested (unless I'd 'achieved' something that reinforced her belief that she was a good mother). BUt if I was just generally happy, with a boyfriend, going to parties with friends or something, she would actively try to sabotage that happiness. I understand now that me being sad and upset made her feel in control, but me being happy and carefree threatened her. Thats how sick she is.

oneplusone, I just want to say that the nightmares are a really really good sign. THats your brain tapping into your hidden emotions and helping you to heal. I had lots of nightmares and flashbacks when I began to take steps to cut my mother out of my life. THey have all gone now. I realise that as a child I had MORE than my fair share of nightmares but now I rarely do.

Hi Sakura,
I don't know if I can help at least not very quickly...
I read about 'over functioning' in one of my books...can't remember which one...not only that I sent all but two of the books to my OS (Disarming the narcissist and Stop walking on eggshells). It doesn't appear to be in those. It might be in the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists book. I'll ask OS to look it up. Sorry about that .

How are you doing? Are you feeling well? I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

AN- I only have a couple of minutes...
On the gift/money issues: Middle Sister has progressed through all four of your stages in order, believe it or not. She is currently in the "I am not going to get what you want-superior power will not grant your wish" phase. So I should tell something that I don't want and be assured of not getting it !

About your participation in your family: Recognizing the superficial nature of the relationships is good and perhaps it will help you reorganize your expectations from them? It is sad that the parents are continuously too self absorbed to see you. Therapist saying it is deceitful of you to yourself to do what you do only because of the pending guilt trip if you don't sounds good. To me, that is you not existing because you are denying your true feelings. This comes before the presumed guilt (that may be childhood brainwashing-you will be shamed if you don't do xyz).

If you must be there physically, I do hope you can be somewhere else emotionally-ie: not attached or connected or having expectations.

Got to dash.

Thanks for replying to my posts .

Acting Normal-I have tried to explain Middle Sister's behavior to myself many times. She is a micromanaging control freak, she is someone who needs to be needed. I think she thinks she is the Matriarch-head of the family (since our folks are deceased) {I see Victoria Stanwick in the "Big Valley" lol}. It may be all these things but it centers around her being SUPERIOR. In all cases, at least a dash of superiority can be found, smelt, felt.

But why? OS and I believe that she is patterning her behavior towards us after the way our mother treated us. Your comment about "why did these adults choose to have children?" is exactly what OS and I were discussing just last week! I think all the women in mom's circle were having or had children and she didn't want to be left out. Or she wanted to be "normal" as you suggested, and she definitely was not 'normal'.

Mother treated OS very badly, hated her (perhaps never developed a maternal bond with her-and OS acted out-which I understand is normal for adopted children). Middle Sister was the golden child and I was invisible-to be ridiculed and dismissed. So this may be the origin of MS's presumption of being superior to us.
MS has a Masters Degree so is therefor, in her world, superior to anyone who does not have a Masters Degree. I have one, OS does not. Her contempt for OS is plainly evident and OS believes MS considers her to be hick trailer trash (she doesn't live in a trailer). (And there is nothing wrong with living in trailers that I can see-it is just the incredible price of housing).
MS's strategy of superiority over me has been more covert and subtle. Playing on my being the youngest, I am therefor the child, never to attain adult status. Imagine her shock when I told her I was 46 and didn't need a bd gift anymore! I still chuckle to think of it- she must have "blown a head gasket" as OS puts it. She definitely blew her head gaskets when I was a.) pregnant again, and b.) when I had OS here to help me at delivery time without MS being here at the same time--lost opportunity to be queen holding court; or more likely she wasn't present to monitor (or be supervisor) OS and TMSB being together without her. It is coming into my mind right now, that MS hates OS and wants (wanted!) to continue to influence me to be on her side over OS. That makes sense.

From "Disarming the Narcissist" by Wendy Behary
She describes "a lonely, deprived child longing to be noticed in a special way"

also on Page 25:
"With little tolerance for his simple longings for love and connection, and little confidence in the possibility of achieving love and connection, the narcissist reaches for grand recognition and approval in a quest to affirm his prominently declared emotional independence."

She may be lonely (I know she is lonely-she has turned to having a dog for companionship (I love dogs and have nothing against pets-and I don't think her dog is filling the void) (Did I mention she named the pooch after our father? ))and her quest for admiration, superior recognition, lofty lofty whatever, is what may be driving her. But I don't think you can force (or buy) someone to admire you. She must be extremely frustrated at losing her perpetual source of ego fodder-TMSB-her co-dependent enabler.

TMSB, were you and your sisters adopted? I've read that the 'acting out' thing is common and also that one sibling may act out to test whether the parents will still accept him whatever he does because he is anxious about rejection (I think this was my brother), and one sibling may make sure she does nothing at all that might anger the parents and cause them to reject her and may be withdrawn because of this (I think this was me).

I wonder if your MS felt that she was 'loved' conditionally on her being very academic but has 'learnt' to believe that this is the correct way to view people. Also if her mother modelled getting feelings of importance by putting OS and you down MS might have learnt that method of how to feel important and just does it unthinkingly (well that's not very intelligent is it?, there are different types of intelligence and emotional intelligence obviously isn't one of her traits!). She does sound self centred as she is not thinking about how her behaviour makes other people feel, just how she can feel better herself (is this part of narcissism?).

How rubbish that some people can only feel good about themselves by treating other people like they are inferior so that they can feel superior. They aren't feeling good because they know there are good things about themselves but by trying to convince themselves that everyone else is rubbish. It is very insecure really. You are doing her a favour really if you don't participate in her 'game' anymore because she needs to feel good on her own without having to prove it to herself by pushing everyone around her down.

What you wrote about narcissism made me think of my dad and my birthmother. Both have strived and strived to achieve more and more academically and in their careers and have a 'grandiose' air about them and behave as though they are more knowledgeable and more 'sorted' than everyone else. At the same time they seem kind of isolated from everybody. Birthmother made herself ill with her workaholicism. Her dad said she would not amount to anything but a slag and she seemed to spend the next several years of her life trying to prove him wrong. Rather than believing that they are better than me I'm starting to see it is quite sad really. I don't think they got enough attention as children for just being themselves, they had to do something 'impressive' to get any positive attention.

Does your MS have this kind of 'isolation' about her? Maybe she was messed up in a different way to you and OS by your mum but doesn't even realise it! I'm not saying feel sorry for her and forgive her btw. You might feel you understand what makes her the way she is but this does not excuse it (this is something my therapist loves saying). At least if you make mistakes in the way you treat people I bet you think about it and try to understand it and improve. It doesn't sound like MS does.

I've kind of 'rebelled' against feeling I have to achieve great status in a career to impress my dad. I suppose I could have if I had wanted to, I do have a good degree, although it takes more than academic ability probably to do well in a career. I thought I'm not going to work hard at something I don't really want to do just because he would think I wasn't good enough if I didn't. I've kind of enjoyed saying at different times that I wasn't interested in progressing up a career ladder, I just wanted to be happy.

BTW my DH doesn't have particularly good qualifications but this doesn't mean much I don't think as he has done very well in his career and got much further than I ever could, and much further than people with mega qualifications. I want to be respected for being 'just' a SAHM!

Hi AN-
Oldest Sister was adopted, but I was not and MS was not.

Middle Sister, while having a Master's Degree, could not be described as super academic. She went into the degree program when there were no teaching jobs to be had-she majored in education and her Masters is in Early childhood education. She was in sorority and prided herself on being able to "drink the guys under the table".

Mother put us (OS & I)down, probably so she wouldn't have to engage us. I really don't remember alot of connection with her. She fought with OS over a lot of things (clothes, who she was hanging out with, smoking, etc). Middle Sister literally sang in the church choir and I percieved her to be the poster girl for goody-goody two shoes-off the chart in the opposite direction from OS. Her "friends" were the nice girls-but I think she was kind of a fifth wheel. She was overweight, they weren't; she was the only one to not have a boyfriend. I don't think she was a charity friend though, iykwim. She was the one everyone would tell their problems to-did she have empathy back then? I do not know, maybe she learned to fix people's issues back then.

Of course she has issues from our Mother. She would be the last one to admit it though. Obviously, she failure to connect with people-mother could not connect with us. But this isn't quite right. MS connects, but then the relationship eventually evolves into her superiority at their expense (queen holdning court) and then the friends drop away. She has no sense of boundaries. She connects with people through food, buying dinners ('her treat'). Or she now connects with neighbors through the dog. I can not say she is isolated. Perhaps she chooses individual targets for her ego fodder, as her enablers. I don't think she treats everyone the same. It is like she has the "inner circle"-her golden people that she strokes to keep them around. But if someone goes against the laws of her black and white universe, then she attempts to "set them straight" (a la- parenting). If there is not a 'favorable change', then that person is talked about behind her back to the others-put down- superior mode full throttle. I can think of more than 3 times when this has happened when the friend chose to be with a dp MS didn't think was up to (her) standard. And she encouraged one friend to divorce, which might have happened anyway, but there was little effort at counseling and MS was often in her friend's ear pointing out the dp's offenses and saying (this rings in my ears because she said it to me) how "she wouldn't put up with it".

No, you are right. It would never dawn on her that she has a problem. That sort of true self-reflection will never happen, because she sees herself as Mary Poppins-"practically perfect in every way". (She was Mary for Holloween one year.) She will dole out timely measures of humility, pointing out her own humility, -she just doesn't get it.
She will never change (except to get worse) and she'll never get 'help'-counseling. There is a painful connection with counseling-mother was in counseling for years. So that may be a high hurdle, it was for me.

You wrote: "She does not think about how her behavior makes other people feel." Yes, exactly. Counselor said this is MS existing, but the other people don't exist. Not just invisible, but don't exist at all.
For example: MS told my dd2: "If you ever find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy, you will come to me first." With that sentence, counselor said, my dd2 did not exist (and neither did I!). Dd2 was not given the opportunity or possibility of using her own brain.

Sorry this is so long, should have edited. But got to go now...dear baby needs me.

Sakura, I'm sad for you for the kind of mother you had. Triumphing over your pain and any of your happiness bringing on negative action...I feel stabbed in the heart for you. Did you have anyone you could count on while you were growing up?

I read an old post where you said you co-slept with your dd to avoid her feeling any sense of abandonment. I am also sensitive to not letting my dc feel abandoned. No-my teenagers do not share my bed lol but there was a long weaning from shareing our bed(-to a nest next to the bed, etc.at age 3 or 3-1/2). Even the way our house is set up, we are in one large room together most of the time (we have an open plan where the kit/din/family rooms are open to each other).

I am co-sleeping with dd2 in the layzboy chair most nights. She is getting too big and strong to continue exactly that way, so will probably move to the bed. I was thinking how people are /would be when they find out I hold her all night. Then I dialed into my feelings on the matter, and I have to say I enjoy this time with her very much.

TMSB Thank you for your empathy regarding my mother- its shows that your ability for empathy and compassion is very much alive despite everything you'Ve been through
Basically no, there was no-one I could count on, come to think about it. I found out around the time of my wedding that my extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) all knew that my mother was crazy and had been trying to keep it in the family. Around the time of the wedding when I began to 'out' her to everyone by not pandering to her, I thought everyone would be shocked at her behaviour but it turns out that no-one was a bit suprised and in fact the only thing they were worried about was how the family would look now that the mad-woman (my mother) had been let out of the closet. I told them that their secrecy had contributed to keeping my life a misery and that the only way everyone had been able to keep it a secret for so long was because I had been taking the brunt of her madness all her life. I was being used a a poison container to make her look normal to the outside world and the entire family knew this!! All grown adults! All of them depending on a little tiny girl to contain the family poison. Its incredible!
One of them should have called social services a long time ago or should have spoke with my mother about her abusive behaviour.

TMSB Thank you for your empathy regarding my mother- its shows that your ability for empathy and compassion is very much alive despite everything you'Ve been through
Basically no, there was no-one I could count on, come to think about it. I found out around the time of my wedding that my extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) all knew that my mother was crazy and had been trying to keep it in the family. Around the time of the wedding when I began to 'out' her to everyone by not pandering to her, I thought everyone would be shocked at her behaviour but it turns out that no-one was a bit suprised and in fact the only thing they were worried about was how the family would look now that the mad-woman (my mother) had been let out of the closet. I told them that their secrecy had contributed to keeping my life a misery and that the only way everyone had been able to keep it a secret for so long was because I had been taking the brunt of her madness all her life. I was being used a a poison container to make her look normal to the outside world and the entire family knew this!! All grown adults! All of them depending on a little tiny girl to contain the family poison. Its incredible!
One of them should have called social services a long time ago or should have spoke with my mother about her abusive behaviour.

Sakura-
(((hugs)))
((((hugs))))
(((((hugs)))))
My mother was the middle of three girls. One of the dynamics to divert attention from her was to use her oldest sister as "the one who is crazy". She and her younger sister were a team against the oldest one. Apparently the oldest one had a brief affair/ pregnancy/ brief marriage (dh alcoholic- left her) back in the late 1940's. So she was 'damned' from then on.

So if anyone was "different" it was this oldest aunt and we children did not think to look at anyone else.

AN - I hope you are feeling better today. My teenagers are giving me quite a course in managing triggers [anger] . It is hard to stay in the present when our brains are wired for self-preservation for events that don't happen anymore. It does take practice. Have patience for yourself, and be kind to yourself.

Take care.

cross posted An-
I don't know what to say to help you. Do you feel like you are constantly being judged? I know that feeling, and it is maddening. Like I was under a microscope, everything was magnified so people would have an easier time to find the least little thing to ridicule me. It is why MS's assessments and evaluations of me/my circumstances irritate me so much. But it isn't because I was naturally over sensitive. I think I had developed sensitivity to it because my feelings were routinely denied. My feelings were like dead seeds-they were there but didn't grow. They didn't grow because I was put down so much that I learned to keep them in the dark-to myself...leading to a very undeveloped capability for expressing myself. So it was difficult to defend myself appropriately. If my experience rings any bells for you, you might find the Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence books helpful (author: Daniel Goleman).

AN, how fantastic that you have reached a point where you can break down your emotional reactions and analyze them in the context of your childhood.
The one about your MIL interested me. Now mine truly is a fruitcake-a complete control freak- but I do wonder if another (more normal!) person would be able to cope with her 'ways' better. FOr me its as though any tiny hint at someone controlling any aspect of my life sets me into a huge rage, probably completely out of proportion to the event. Although having said that MIL did arrive uninvited to DD's birth and snatched the baby away a few minutes after birth and ran off into the next room until the midwife had to call her back! And I never said anything. SO maybe my reactions are completely normal under the circumstances but I just can't trust my own judgement having always been accused of overreacting if I got upset over something...

Sakura- Completely relate to what you are saying about not trusting your own instincts. I also feel like this and specifically with regard to 'my' MIL. I think the more I learn to honor my own feelings the more my confidence in trusting my reactions feelings will grow too.

With regard to 'your' MIL you have it on the highest authority that the woman is a total MENACE.

I think we should revive ally's questionnaire in order to re-assure oursleves.

If your dil had just given birth would you?

a) Give dil all the space she needs. After all it is all about 'her'(dil) and the baby. There will be plenty of time for you to meet your gc after all.

b) Turn up at the hospital smelling of desperation and keep asking ds when exactly can you hold the baby a la "are we nearly there yet?' After all you are the GM and therefore you are so very important to this new little life?

c) Arrive at the hospital and stand at the bottom of the bed hands cupped waiting for baby to appear. Once baby is resting on mothers chest, snatch child immediately. (Bonding time? waste of time!). Run to the next room and crow about what a brilliant GM you are.

Haha! Thanks Smithfield. Put it right back into context again...

Sakura, your MIL is a NUT , I can't believe she did that! Nobody can blame you if you DO overreact to her after that!

TMSB, that book sounds good. There are so many books I want to get from Amazon, I love reading all this stuff. (Shall I ask parents to buy me it for xmas ha ha )

Something is triggering me right now and I don't know what. I thought writing might help me work it out. I feel really anxious and angry and "leave me alone". I'm really sensitive to noise and movement. (Sounds like PMT but it's not.) It's about DD somehow. I want her to stop running and jumping around and talk more quietly and not talk to me so fast. I feel I don't have enough control - over what, I'm not sure. I feel like something bad could happen because I don't have control. I felt suddenly more 'mental' after 2 window salesmen came to the door and tried to keep me talking and one of them kept saying he knew me from somewhere (he doesn't). I got rid of them but not quick enough. I felt like I had been weak because I was scared to offend them by telling them flatly I'm not interested immediately. I felt a bit crap about myself and that I'm not the confident adult I like to think I am and still as weak as I always was. I feel I don't have control over intrusions into my life, into me. DD's noise and movement and incessant talking at me seems to intrude into my brain, forcing me to take notice of her (and she does need and deserve the attention and is probably doing it because I'm not giving her enough). This is all about anger about people forcing themselves on me and feeling too mentally weak to stop them isn't it! I feel like I don't want to give DD the attention because I feel she is forcing me to but I need to see that it is NOT the same as any of what happened during childhood. She is doing it because she is a child who needs attention, not an abuser who enjoys having control over me.

Sorry about that, I feel slightly calmer now, so does that mean that I've worked out the true reason for my 'reaction'?

I feel that if I see any sign of weakness in myself now that means something could happen which I would be too weak to stop which would make me feel how I did as a child. It really scares me. That must be why I feel so anxious. This all sounds trivial but the intensity of the anxiety I'm feeling right now feels serious to me. Hyper children and door to door salespeople is a normal part of everyday life and I can't even cope with that without feeling 'mental' fgs!

And I was doing so well

I'm a crap mother moment in fact all the time...

Since about ummmm....january been letting dd watch lots of tv (therapist said my mother used housework as an excuse to not make contact with us...) during this time I do housework/surf but do pop through to see what she's doing, if she wants to play...often just glued inches from the screen and I should not be letting her do this but its just so easy than playing with her and being with her. I suspect this is part of the problem.

Issue no 2 is dh gets dd up and dressed and breakfasted in the morning, often I lay in till I give him a lift to work. Then get back and on goes the tv...he reads dd her bedtime story and gives her some milk and settles her in bed...

Issue no 3 I snap at her if she does anything wrong...theres no calm 'I'd rather you didn't do that' most of the time, just 'oy! no!' which is rather impolite at the least. But when its something dangerous or going to hurt me or the cat I act on instinct. But it just seems to be so often

Issue no 4 I'm doing a wonderful impression of my mother. Dh calls it 'syrupy' and it is...and I keep doing it and cursing myself for doing it as its like my mother...the snap of irritation, not spending time with us, then the syrupy sweetness when shes in 'lets be mother' mode. Hell I hate myself when I find myself doing it, it was so fecking annoying!

All this seems to have led to a) dh having lots of cuddles from her b) me having virtually none...and I get uncertain looks from her at time...

I just feel dispair, I've tried and tried and tried to break from what I had and I seem to be coming round full circle.

Like the rest of you I'm going to talk around it a bit...

i think I am different in that I do spend time playing with dd. I do explain to her, some of the time if I snap at her why that is not acceptable (if I view it as such at the time).

I just have to cut out this damn irritability, I feel it with myself most of the time too and dh and the cat everyone is snapped at and I suspect because I feel crap in myself and my parenting skills and my housekeeping skills and my ability to ever achieve anything...

The syrupiness I do, when I think about it, is to show that I love her ie loving looks (in a syrupy way) and maybe focussing too much on her when she's doing something ie eating even

I just feel screwed up in a way by my ex therapist. He never saw me with her, took what i said on face value and told me that often she probably hit me to get an emotion out of me. But I AM emotional with her when I thought abotu it today. I laugh, I get angry, I get hurt, I'm affectionate (I think) I do feel things and I'm not a person who can hide their emotions from their face..

I just don't know where to go from here...dh suggests thinking about anything I say or do before I say or do it. Is it possible to parent like that? All day?? He only has her hour in morning 1.5 hours at night...and he's a bit of an automatum sometimes when it comes to feelings and emotions. But he still gets more hugs that me from dd.

part of me feels I'm sad as I feel unloved by dd...but that is my mother...my dd should feel loved by me and I should not be showing any dependance on her for hugs...but there again its more about her state of mind towards me. She must not trust me emotionally to be around her, like I was with my mother. Oh god I have so fucked up. What the hell do I do now?

Oh and she hits me more than she ever does dh...this evening before bed she 'tango'ed' (slapped me round the face, one hand for each cheek) it completely broke me up and the moment before that she was having a big hug with dh...twice. And two more hugs he's had this evening. KNow how many I had...none all day...and we were together all day, only an hour of telly...it was all together time...playing, reading stories, talking...and that's what I get at the end of the day. A double slap round the face and dh comes home to hug after hug. I must be a crap mother to her for her to act like this. Because her behaviour is not her fault, its my parenting that must be the issue.

God Ally, I feel sad for you. I bet you are very hard on yourself about your abilities as a mother because you are so concerned not to make the same mistakes as your mother, so you really 'scrutinise' yourself. It sounds like your ex-therapist made you feel a bit crap as well!

Do you feel like you are acting with your DD? - with the "syrupy" thing? I think children sense your true mood even if you are trying to act normal. Do you feel tense because you are trying so hard to act the right way? If you relaxed I am sure you would act the right way without trying! If you just relax and look at her and take notice of how you feel about her, let yourself feel all the positive stuff and try to ENJOY what you are doing with her rather than worrying and worrying about getting it right. She will sense your positive feelings about her and relax around you if you relax around her.

You never had a role model of a positive loving mother so of course it is hard! You have to learn it from scratch and relax/grow into it until it feels natural. It is harder than for someone who has had a good role model - and those people make a lot of mistakes too. You are allowed to forgive yourself for making a few mistakes, just think about what happened that time and how to do it better the next time - that is how you learn.

Try not to feel guilty every single time you tell her off - children do naughty things. They need to be taught what is naughty and what they should do instead. It would be just as bad never to tell her off than to always tell her off. It sounds like you feel you say more negative things than positive. You could prove whether this is true or not by keeping a tally for a day of how many negative things you say and how many positive. It will probably motivate you to think about finding lots of positive things to say.

Do you have a new therapist?

I hope I don't sound 'know it all-ish', what I think people should do and what I do myself are not always the same thing! eg I often avoid proper interaction by doing housework/MN instead when I'm in a 'can't cope with anything/anyone' mood.

ally, this may sound like I'm simplifying things but I bet a lot of what is going on is just down to you being pregnant. Since I got pregnant DD has been watching a LOT of TV. And I went on a pregnancy thread here on mumsnet and it sounds like thats what 90% of the other pregnant mothers are doing just to get through the day. It is NOT because you're replaying the way you mother behaved, honestly, I promise you. Although I do think AN is right that you are being super judgemental of yourself, whereas I noticed the other mothers who are doing this don't hate themselves for it. They know its not good and not ideal, but because they don't have the deep shame from childhood, they understand that its temporary while they get through the pregnancy and they understand that its just a temporary blip. This is honestly what I think yours is
DD is right now downstairs at 9am watching mickey while I type...I've just got to have half an hour or so to myself in the mornings before I start the day

Ally- ((((ally)))) ((((((ally))))
Wish I could hop over cyber space and give you a big (real life) hug.
Sakura is right, spot on in fact. Trust me...been there done it!
Absolutely normal. I promise.
And, I had to smile the other day, because (having been through this and tortured myself about it all) I met up with a friend (the most stable, balanced friend I've had to date) and she is currently about 20 weeks and said EXACTLY what you are saying.
She said, her ds was actually telling his teddy to send all cards to PO BOX bla bla bla (c beebies address ) had to chuckle.
And my ds actually head butted me at the end of the day several times. .
I think they do 'sense' something is different but within the context of family life this is 'all' normal.
BUT, you will feel worse if you aren't being kind to yourself. If you begin mentally beating yourself up now it is not going to do any of you any good.
The best advice I got recently was if your friend was telling you this what would you say to her? If I posted this what would you tell me?
Knowing what a lovely supportive person you are I know you would be saying nice reassuring things. You have to be equally supportive of yourself.

And BTW your therapist is an ass