my husband often goes out all friday night and sleeps most of saturday

[cappy1]

Hi Mums

My dh works a 60-70 hour week and come Friday night he usually returns home but over the last 6 months he has taken to meeting friends (who do not have children) at a local bar then going back to one of their houses and doesn't return home until saturday morning upon which he then goes to sleep for most of the day. When writing this down it looks like he is having an affair - but I think that I can trust him although at times I do wonder especially as sex between us os practically non-existent.

Since having our ds 16 months ago things have been difficult between us and we have been trying to respect eachother and make our marriage work. However, I do not know how much more I can take. I admit that I have become quite controlling because we cannot seem to agree on how a family should spend the weekend.

I work two days a week and have to do the morning droff off to nursery and pick up and do dinner and bed on my own every day of the week including weekends when he is home. I am also studying.

I have to ask and negotiate for him to do childcare tasks such as dinner, bath and bedtime and I can count on one hand the number of times he has got up woth ds in the early morning.

When we try to talk about what we need from eachother this it usually ends up in a slanging match and he says he feels like I am trying to control him. I want him to be present on the weekends which means being in the house not asleep and not on the sofa but up with the baby for at least one morning sat or sun and able and willing to help with the household and childcare tasks - I do not think this is a big ask and he cleary does. We have reached a point where communication has totally broken down and the behaviour is bad!

Advice needed for hotheaded new mum !

I would ask him to only go out once a month and come home in the early hours and only lie in til about 10am/11ish so you can still do family things
I would also start going out once a month too so he has to learn how to do bath and bed etc and then you get a lie in

His behaviour is selfish and unreasonable.

Is this bar nearby? Do you know his friends? could they confirm he is with them? Who does he stay with? could you phone the house to "speak to him" and check if he is there?

I don't think it unreasonable that you do most of the child care when he works those types of hours- I did that with 2 DCs for years and years as my DH had a very busy job and travelled etc.

HOWEVER - I would not have stood for his "single man" behaviour at a weekend.

You need to try to talk calmly without it becoming a row and deciding on a compromise.

Is there someone in the family who is the "voice of reason"? Like his mum?

Thanks

Making the suggestion that he goes out until early hours and gets up in the morning would just be met with more ' you are trying to control me' wailings. He would see it as me telling him what to do - if I asked him how we can compromise he says that he has already done enough compromising and he wants to see more come from me. Everytime I try to talk to him he either walks away or starts having a go back at me. Seems like a stalemate (is that how it is spelled?) has been reached.

girlnextdorr - I have thought of checking up but only know one of the places that he says he goes The other guy's house I do not know but have heard alot about him through my interrogations! Of the guy I do know - I feel embarassed to air our dirty laundry in public and go over to the house in front of them all (baby in tow like the wife in Goodfellas!) especially if he is there which I am hoping that he is as that is what he is telling me. I guess I am hoping that that is where he is so that I do not need to go down that path of checking up on him.

Reading your thread he does not spend any time with you or his child. He is being very selfish.

Maybe he could agree to doing the pub thing every 2nd weekend. He should at least be doing bath time on Sunday. Perhaps you could have some time to yourself then - swimming, the gym. He is being selfish, but you are letting him away with it.

His behaviour is ridiculously selfish. Have another go at a serious talk about both your expectations and needs.

"Making the suggestion that he goes out until early hours and gets up in the morning would just be met with more ' you are trying to control me' wailings. He would see it as me telling him what to do - if I asked him how we can compromise he says that he has already done enough compromising and he wants to see more come from me. Everytime I try to talk to him he either walks away or starts having a go back at me. Seems like a stalemate (is that how it is spelled?) has been reached."

To me it sounds like HE is controlling YOU. And I would be putting it to him in those terms. You have to be there to do all family/baby related stuff because he is making it that way IYSWIM.

I had similar arguments to this when our DS was born but thankfully not staying out every friday - it was more about the amount of time he spent pursuing his sports/hobbies and leaving me to it. Even now 7 years on the weight of childcare id firmly on me but it has got better.

Sorry for rambling but I guess what I am trying to say is, he is behaving badly.

His position is that he works to provide financial stability for us. We disagree on what constitutes family time - he spends time with ds in the house and takes him to his mothers every few weeks. Because I am on my own for most of the week when I am not working and because we are just different I think that we should go to the park, do stuff outside of the house at the weekends.

He has done bedtime when I have gone out and has looked after ds during the daytime but always in the house. He is basically knackered and I can understand this with the ours he works but I if he is so tired how can he justify going out all night. Basically we disagree on what his priorities should be. I understand that he needs a night out every now and then but that is what it should be every now and then not every week.

As for letting hime get away with it - what else can I do if the communication has broken down? The only other option is to separate...

He needs to re-think his work-life balance basically! If he cannot contribute to family life and work a 70 hour week, then he has to decide which is most important. Or he has to grow up and behave like a man, not a teenager.

Do you love him? Does he love you? If so, his behaviour is not loving. Have you told him that? Have you said that you are at the end of your tether? There must be a way to get this over to him- you will know the best way- but allowing him to walk away when you want to talk is not one of them.

I agree with girlnextdoor. He isn't managing his time well. He isn't considering your needs at all. And in a few years time your baby will be a demanding child, who wants someone to help with homework, come to football practice, take them swimming etc. Will this all be left up to you? And what if you decide to go back to work eventually? What then?

If you feel unable to communicate any of your needs to him as he becomes unreasonable / walks away / shouts at you etc, then you have to weigh up what that means for your future. Is counselling an option?

Adjusting to family life is hard for many people, so to some extent I sympathise (or perhaps, empathise) with him, but how long does he expect you to put up with this sort of lifestyle? Working hard is not an excuse for him to neglect you and his family.

I will try to talk to him again but always seem to get it wrong - pick the wrong time or say something horrible because I am angry. Seems like we have reached a point of communication break-down.

I have been trying to get information about separating on website etc. If we did decide to separate how do finances get arranged - would he still have to pay the household bills/mortgage or would I have to pay somehow?

Going to sign off now ds has woken up

Thanks for listening I needed to get it off my chest.
xx

can i ask something - you mentioned he wants to see more from you - of what? what compromises have you made in your negotiations that he feels are not enough?

Hi Cappy - Can I suggest, if you are concerned that talking to him wont help then maybe write a letter. Without accusations etc, just tell it like it is and let him know how unhappy the situation is making you.

Imo, he is trying to be a single man again. Turn this around. Ask him how he would feel if you were going out with a load of single girls on a Friday night and not coming home till the next morning?

Ultimately, if nothing changes, he needs to know that you would rather be on your own

Hello back on now

prettyfly - it all seems too complicated to remember - so many arguments about who has compromised what when and how.

I think that we have very different upbringing and ideas about what families do at the weekend. He likes going out for meals and we do that. we also go to family functions but he is not used to that so I think he is doing things that he would rather not but agrees to do them for me. So I think that he thinks that I ask too much and do not appreciate it when he does something like come to a family do or go out to lunch on a sunday. But the key is that I have not until now seen this as a compromise (on his behalf) but he does.

what compromises have I made? It all seems so complicated - I have tried to understand his point of view and so change the way I deal with things i.e. not have a go at him all the time! Sometimes when I am not totally enraged I don't alway have a go at him for staying out all night! I have told him ok this is what you have to do then lets make sure we do other thing together as a family too so that I don't feel so angry about it.

since having our baby which I must admit we have both found to be a difficult time of adjustment and change - I think he feels that there was a constant barrage of demands which I suppose there were but that is to be expected!

So over the two years it has now got to a stage when
I think it boils down to the fact that he just doesn't want to be asked, told or relied upon for anything other than that which he decides to do himself. In addition, he also went through a very difficult period at work and has since got a new job in which he is much happier but still working bloody long hours.

I think I am finding it hard adjusting to my new role!

He's behaving like a teenager, not a husband and father. Remind him that your child is hi too and he should take 50% of the responsibility. Why is looking after the child automatically your job?

well I am prepared to do more than him because of the hours he works - he is not home at bedtime so I have to do all the childcare at nighttime and when he is at home sometimes it is just easier to avoid the arguements.

But I am trying to change what happens at the weekend this but it is a painful process because of our communication breakdown and the bad behaviour!

this person would no longer be my husband.

because to me that implies he is a willing partner in a relationship, not someone i have to negotiate duties with concerning the care of a child he willingly brought into the world with me.

he wouldn't have to worry about my trying to control his selfish and immature behaviour because i wouldn't put up with it.

me and my kids deserve better.

don't you think you do, too?

My DP works long hours too and rarely makes it home in time for bathtime/bedtime. he makes up for it by getting up with the boys at 6am to spend some quality time with them before work and at the weekends he often takes them out for a few hours so I can have some time off.
It does sound like your DH doesn't want to be a father. how was his father with him?

he never met his father his mother brought him up by herself - he had a difficult upbringing

You need to gently remind him that he has a responsibility as your DS' father to spend quality time with him as it is important to his upbringing.

My DH was also brought up by his mother alone, he is a great dad but can sometimes be a bit one track minded over what he wants to do. I just nudge him in the right direction without nagging.

is he on Drugs ?

thats the first thought when he is out all night and sleeping all day?

My DH works 60-70 hours per week, is rarely home at bedtime
at weekends he cannot wait to spend time with his DCs and be a family
He didn't really have a father around either.
Your DH needs to grow up.
You, on the other hand, are doing a great job, practically bringing up your DS singlehandedly already. You sound like a great mum.
Would your DH be missed?

Fatbob I suspected drugs as well - how does he stay up all night on a Friday after a 60-70 hour week otherwise?

I would be telling him to find somewhere else to live and someone else to his washing etc.

Or at least he would be doing all his own shopping/cooking/washing as at the moment he is living the life of riley. Yes he works a long week, but so do you you work 2 days plus a fulltime job at home as a mother and housewife.

At least if you were a single mum he would have to do a turn and you would get a night of. And half the washing and housework.

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