Update and more questions re husband

[littlemissworry]

So here I am a week further on and I am still questioning all sorts of things. I have talked with husband about the situation and I think he recognises what has happened in the past and how we have got to where we are (have posted on other threads about this). Nevertheless, I'm not sure to what lengths he is prepared to go to get help with his anger. I accept there has been abusive behaviour on his part but I am now worried I am a hypocrite and have not always been as good as I should have been to dcs. There have been times in the past when I have really shouted at them (once in ds2 face ) when I have been pushed, and once or twice really revved the engine of the car and drove off fast when I was angry with them. I know I need to be calmer with them when pushed and am trying to be this way. So I'm thinking, should I put behind me what he has done to me and start again. The thing is, is it different?

bump

Any advice for a worrying littlemissworry?

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you have anger issues that doesn't mean he shouldn't address his, it just means you might want to look into adopting the same techniques that he is hopefully learning. Maybe you could go to classes together, or he could pass on the most helpful tips. He may even be more positive about getting help for his anger if it is helping both of you.

I also think having the example of a bad-tempered person constantly in front of you may affect even the strongest personality and you may find you are calmer and can behave better yourself once he isn't being such an overbearing arse.

I have been under a lot of pressure with him and dcs. I am now addressing any issues I have and I would like him to recognise any problems that he has and do the same.

Yes, I've seen some of your other threads, you certainly have been under pressure! You are not being abusive to your DCs by getting into the occasional strop. Children in the mass can drive an angel to fury. You are not a hypocrite in any sense - when did you ever claim to be perfect? As a "mere" human being you are entitled to make mistakes. You don't need to let any guilt about your own behaviour cause you to slacken off on your totally reasonable demands to him. Unlike your H (up till now) you are aware of your own actions and are trying to do the right thing. I don't believe any of us can do any better than that. If it does bother you, though, there's nothing to stop you from taking anger management classes too, or whatever would work. As I don't know you in RL I have no idea whether you need them!

Thanks Annie, I don't think I do need anger management as I'm generally very cool, calm and collected (just a big worry belly!). I do need some work on my self-esteem though and I'm undergoing that now. He is still not being particularly reasonable I don't think and hasn't yet sought to do anything positive regarding his own behaviour.

Keep the pressure up on him then, hon, and take care.

No doubt you're all fedup with me here! What do you think about this. Husband initially refused to move out of home (lives/works there) as he says I left. Fair comment, but for all the reasons discussed before. If I was in his situation I would feel AWFUL and ASHAMED that I had made my other half feel unhappy enough they had to leave and I think I would want to try and mend the situation and if that meant moving out for a while I would do so (especially for the sake of the children). He has now asked my parents if they would BUY a house for him to live in and pay nominal rent to them in a place where HE wants it as he can't afford the sort of thing HE wants otherwise . He is saying it's for the sake of the boys when they go to see him but I am GOBSMACKED to say the least!

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Any thoughts?

He wants your parents to buy him a house???

I don't really know your history but he's certainly taking the p*ss from the sounds of it.

I don't have any advice but will bump the thread for you.

History is basically of a mildly abusive relationship (him abusing me, although not that badly). And he has the nerve to ask my parents this? AIBU?

Fair enough. We need some legal advice now and I suppose that is the route to go down, although I've been putting it off long enough.

Please don't let him wear you down. There is no such thing as 'mild' abuse, ALL abuse is wrong, please don't play it down.
You deserve much much better, you did the right thing by walking out, stick to your guns.
Don't worry about occasionally loosing it, we all do it, it's normal. His behaviour is not normal and he has some cheek making demands of your parents when he's abused their daughter, what a horrible, selfish man.

I just couldn't believe he would have the brass nerve to sit there and ask my dad, knowing what has happened! He doesn't really seem concerned about me and working on things.

Are you the lady whose H pressured her for sex and went ahead even when you were crying?

Hope I have the right person.

This guy does not deserve a second of of your time spent worrying about him. He sounds awful.

Yes, that's me umberella.

I haven't read through this yet, but I thought you were leaving him?!?

Sorry littlemissworry - he sounds really awful. I am so pleased you have got a bit of distance from him...the more you get the mor you'll be able to see him for what he is I think. Very unhealthy.

His manipulation of this situation to try and get a nice house at your parents expense is iniquitous - he should be thoroughly ashamed of how he has behaved and if he really wants you back (as an equal partner) he should be going to counselling and begging your forgiveness.

more

Well I have left and am still at my parents, but the point is that I want to get the dcs back into their home as it's not right for them staying here indefinitely. My parents asked if he'd rent somewhere but that was no-go (from his pov) as there was nothing he likes that is affordable hence him making this request. I understand his predicament as he works at home but if he faces what has happened and has any remorse, surely he would want to make amends and let his dcs go home?

Are you still away from the house?

Yes. Sorry cocolepew it's a very confusing situation! Me and boys still at parents, he at our house. I'm refusing to go back until he makes himself scarce as I have, quite reasonably I think, asked for space and time.