It seems we are more or less unanimous that the OW is always evil, so why do so mwny women find/put themselves in that position?

[whatdayisit]

There have been a few threads recently, where a woman finds herself either in or on the verge of an affair.

There is no sympathy to be found for her here. So why is it, if we (women) agree that the OW is always a bitch/homebreaker/nasty piece of work, that women keep having affairs with married men?

And why is it that we prefer to blame the OW, rather than the men who chose to play away?

I agree about the lying. I don't understand how someone can do that to the person they married unless they have a lot of misdirected anger against them...the one I knew had one of those split personality things going on, public school, pretty much absent father (worked a lot, never close) and so I think he was angry with his mother for sending him away to school, where he had to develop other attachments (and certainly did so) - he lived a kind of persona whereby he was always 'alone' and this in his mind gave him permission to do what he liked to relieve the loneliness - he felt she only ever asked him to do jobs when he got in (she did) and although I am pretty sure he loved her very much, in his 'story' ie the play he was part of subconsciously, she was the mother who sent him off to school/work every day, and he was simply making his own way by finding solace with the OW. He even introduced us which was bloody awful - I refused at first but he insisted I came along and I would have done anything to avoid being dumped by him again (happened about every 3 weeks) so I did what he said. I was so stupid really - though horribly, painfully, addictively in 'love' I still didn't notice that the man was a totally dishonest and pretty sick individual who was using me (and her) badly.
I settled for whatever I could get of him, the connection I felt was so powerful.
I in turn was angry with his wife in my own way (didn't see it at the time) because my own mother was jealous whenever I spent time with my dad. So I found someone I loved desperately (again, can't see why I did now) and who 'belonged' to a woman who would be jealous if I spent time with him.
I think subconsciously this was what kept me there - I felt utterly justified. That's pretty sick too. She wasn't my mother, she was a lovely woman who didn't deserve to have the shit heaped on her.

I hope it is understood that I would never go near a married man again however much I thought I loved him. This was a good while ago now.

There is no excuse. If a woman knows a man is married, and even worst, a man is in a relationship and has children, then she should make the concious decision of staying away from him.

You don't just suddenly start an affair. There is probably some big time flirting initially, and as a woman I think it is very easy to give the right signal, you either flirt back or you don't. And unless the man is thick as mud, he should the message.

And anyway, why would you want to go out with a cheat? What makes you think he won't do it to you later on?

There are shags- and there are affairs.

There is a lot more to affairs than just sex.

Usually there is a bond and a feeling a emotional closeness that isn't there in the marriage at that particular moment.

If men simply wanted sex, they would use a prostitute.

Affairs usually begin because at least 1 person is unhappy and looking to fill a void. And then there is the passion- a real chemical attraction, which cannot be ignored by some people. They know it is wrong- but who can resist the cream cakes all the time when on a diet? Heart and head are two different creatures.

And the other woman often feels she is being promised something-a relationship- and is helping a guy escape from a bad marriage.

I suppose when I went into it the love I felt overwhelmed me. I was pretty naive and believed in love...most relationships start when one party is still seeing another person, there is usually not a big overlap though.
In my case I thought this was it - true love, bla bla bla - nothing conscious about it, I lived every moment for this man, I felt like I couldn't breathe if I didn't see him, or speak to him, every day...it was absolutely fatally intense, which probably wasn't healthy but in those days I just could not turn away and God I tried so many times.
I was waiting for him to tell her. When he didn't I just clung on desperately. Of course he never did tell her.
In the meantime there was excitement but also a great, great deal of pain. I always lived on his next promise and wasted a lot of time doing so. It was pathetic really.
I couldn't understand why, if he loved me and was obsessed with me like he said - and behaved - why he didn't just leave his wife and be with me.
The answer to that is obvious to me now, it was a set up that only worked when all of us were in it. Once she was out of the picture, so was I. He wanted it that way.
Now of course I would walk away, or say 'let me know if you become available' - just said this to someone as a matter of fact - because there is not such a void in me and I have my children, so love isn't a priority now.
But then it was just an agonising situation which I couldn't see a way out of - he would leave, then a week or two later call me, desperate, say he couldn't stand the pain, and of course neither could I so I took him back. I felt he had all the power but in order for that to happen I had to give it to him. Very passive aggressive of me. I blamed him entirely as I said - nowadays if I did something similar again (no chance) I'd take some of the buck iyswim.

It's easier to hate the person you don't know than the man you've loved for the last 5/10/15 years etc. Denial maybe??

It's a conscious choice on both sides (most of the time, unless the married person lies at first).

The two people involved in an affair are both as bad as each other IMHO.

Wow Flight, your earlier message gave me goosebumps. You seem to be describing my h.

I hadn't thought about his childhood, but he was sent away to school and, even though his Mum didn't want him to go, his Dad was an overpowering character and he wanted to work abroad so sending h away to school allowed him to do that.

I actually knew him then because his big sister and me were best friends. I know he was very shy and hardly spoke.

I know he has alot of shit he needs to talk through with a counsellor, and maybe he needs to start here.

Yes I think in these instances boarding schools can be quite damaging. He always swore that he loved every minute but beneath the bravado was a very sad little boy I think...also I think this has been the reason he never kept in touch with ds. Too painful for him to be a father to his only son, as it would show him exactly what he missed from his own father

Hope your husband manages to find a way to open up x

Affairs can be devastating to all involved but I'm afraid they will always be a fact of life. Despite marriage and with the best intentions in the world, people have weaknesses and I suppose that's what makes us human.

I blame the person who owed his family some loyalty.

I do not like the OW for the part she played in my DC's losing their dad. I think that requires a degree of selfishness, quite honestly, and I will probably never speak to her, let alone socialise with her.

But I blame him very much more. He knew every one of us personally and intimately, and we did not enter the equation when he started his affair. It was all about him and her, and their special love, which eclipsed our right to a stable family unit.

I was just mulling over this - until I started reading posts on here, I think I would have automatically, and totally, always blamed the MAN - and not really given any particular incident's OW much thought at all.

I wonder if that comes from some sort of sexist prejudice I didn't realise I had. Or from personal experience? - I haven't got marriage-cheating experience (either as cheater or cheatee) but I've been two-timed in relationships before that & really in each case it just made a convenient juncture for me to Emphatically Dump the Stupid Oaf. (After which, in most cases, the oaf in question went on to cheat on the third party. Yuk.)

I don't think the OW is always evil!

or even that the man was an idiot or stupid or daft or anytihng

People are just people, all capable of putting their own needs selfishly ahead of others, even others that they presumably 'love'.

Monogamy gets in the way or normal human behavious that's all.

We are not 'good' or 'bad' though. We are just people.