It seems we are more or less unanimous that the OW is always evil, so why do so mwny women find/put themselves in that position?

[whatdayisit]

There have been a few threads recently, where a woman finds herself either in or on the verge of an affair.

There is no sympathy to be found for her here. So why is it, if we (women) agree that the OW is always a bitch/homebreaker/nasty piece of work, that women keep having affairs with married men?

And why is it that we prefer to blame the OW, rather than the men who chose to play away?

IMO some women lack a basic instinct of 'sisterhood' they don't see a wife as 'their' problem but the man's.

busy i feel for you but even in that you are very much blaming her - rightly i might add - i dont get that whole "he contacted her so thought it was over" - did you finish with him over contacting her? that sounds mildly unreasonable and if you did was it an affair at all? and surely to a sane man, contacting someone else when you are unhappy can be justified and can be reconcilled - you would have to have a truly shit marriage already to end it over that - but a five week affair is something totally different. she sounds like an absolute nutball - my ex watched me on the electoral register and it really freaked me out - but he sounds just as bad and i think thats the point. why IS it easier to forgive the man and justify his actions - when surely he is the one he made promises, commitments and broke them all- then a woman we know nothing about in most cases who to be fair owes us nothing. not saying its right both parties are wrong but men are not ruled by their dxxks. They tell the lies, they do the hiding and sneaking and they destroy the trust - not the ow. Very few people can be manipulated who dont want to be. sorry.

have you ever noticed though that say you have two male friends and one of them sleeps with the girlfriend of the other - nine times out of ten, the girlfriend gets the blame and is called the names. anyone see a pattern emerging here! And when women cheat the husband never runs around calling the om a manipulative you know what. He blames the wife. Always the womans fault. Never a mans.

Yes I don't have that whole sisterhood thing at all.
I really don't get it. I wish I did. Does this mean there's something wrong with me - does everyone else have this?

it isn't sisterhood for me, it is peoplehood - general respect for other people

In my case the affair happened in another country, so my h's ow probably had the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy. She had never met us or seen us, so we didn't really exist for her.

Also, I managed to read a few e-mails and texts that she sent and once she said "we are just responding to something we have both felt for the last 5 yrs" as that is how long they had worked together - seems that justifies tearing a family apart then!! (btw - h says he had only felt that way about her recently - had just thought of her as a friend until she made it totally clear that she was up for a shag or an affair, whatever he wanted!)

I always vowed I would not cheat on a partner and have the decency to leave a unhappy relationship before starting another. But I didn't have the guts even thought I knew he wasn't really the one.

It took falling for another man- a married man with kids- for me to do it.

Not proud of it and looking back, I don't know what I was thinking- I can't put myself back into that mind set that managed to convince myself that what I was doing was somehow okay. I hate the hurt I caused - but I don't believe I am evil! stupid and naive maybe...

We are still together and now married and needless to say his ex detests me - I don't expect anything else, but I do think she should direct some of the anger towards him too.

I think it's very possible to respect people when they are in a position whereby something is theirs. No problem. But in the instant that a married man betrays his wife she in a sense falls from that position, because he is giving what belonged rightfully to her, to someone else (the intimacy or sex that should have stayed within the marriage) so she is no longer in the position of owning that which you are taking as the OW.

iyswim...that sounds pedantic and weird but I'm trying to rationalise the way it can happen.

ie she 'owns' him by virtue of him giving himself to her...when he stops doing so and gives himself to the OW, the OW sort of gains possession for that time.

Not saying it is right but there you go. man to blame imo.

Who knows why people allow themselves to be the OW or OM. Maybe it's a self esteem thing, or a lack of self confidence to think it's ok to try and take someone else's partner rather than find someone who is available, and to think that their love is bigger than the other person's commitments.

ninah - I think you also have a point - "I think some women enjoy competing for a man, sad to say."

And anyone who cheats on their relationship (assuming they are a monogamous couple) is quite possibly attention-seeking and looking for a confidence boost. If DH ever did this to me he would be so out of here, he wouldn't know what had hit him . It's a matter of mutual respect.

I've seen the most unlikely people end up having affairs. They usually turn out to have been confused and looking for anwswers . However one guy we know is just a habitual womaniser. It's just the way he has always been, falls in lust with women all the time, and we think that deep down his wife knows it but no-one talks about it.

Absolutely NOT unanimous the other woman is always evil.

Abd the idea men are helpless dogs who won't refuse sex from the OW is so insulting to men.

If my dh had an affair I would be very angry and upset at HIM because HE was the one who made promises to me.

I've been in both situations...I unanimously blamed the man when I was cheated on. The other woman was just someone he chose over me.
I however got thoroughly vilified when I was his OW initially.
I now see how little self respect I must have had at the time - it was a shitty thing to be involved with full stop. I can't think what possessed me fwiw.

But I didn't blame the one he left me for. He was a git, she was just incidental and if he chose her that was hardly her fault...assuming she didn't hold him to ransom or anything. A person should be free to choose their lover - but it is awful for someone who thinks their lover is faithful when he is not. I never thought it was Ok for him to lie to her.

Sometimes the OW only gets a foothold because the marriage is shit, but as many women on here have a stake in beleiving that marriages and monogamous relationships are the ideal, we all stick the knife in to the OW because we want to belieive it's all her fault.

So much simpler in black and white.

Wow, that's lots of food for thought. How about this situation I found myself in then?

Married man, very keen, me very drunk. (1st time I'd been properly drunk since before ds1 was born almost 8 years ago and it won't be happening again any time soon believe me) Things happened that shouldn't, but I stopped it before anything really happened. He honestly did all the running, I had no idea he would be even mildly interested in me, or an affair fwiw)

So, if I'd been vulnerable because Dh had been distant recently, if I thought my DH may be having an affair, if I was worried sick about something else and needed some light relief, if I'd had a couple more to drink and decided WTH? Obviously his DW wouldn't know any of that, so I'd still be the wicked OW?

In my eyes the term OW sets in when it's an affair, a relationship parallel to the marriage. So, in my eyes no, you wouldn't be the OW, you'd be one night stand.

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Your poor sister, cod.

I have not been in this situ (thankfully, though dh and I have had our fair share of difficulties) but I am sure that if if were to happen, the deceit and the lies would be far more hurtful than the sex. Sex is one thing, being lied to for weeks/months/years on end is far more humiliating IMO.