'The one' - who believes?

[beanieb]

Idea from another thread...

I have never believed in 'the one', I think it's a weird concept, particularly as most people who do believe in it seem to magically meet 'the one' in their local pub or club! I mean, how fortunate is that?

What do you think?

I pined for a bloke in sainsbury's supermarket when I was in my late teens. I truly believed he was "the one", I wasted four years pining for the bloke on the groceries. He then came into the shop I was working in and wanted to buy a pair of shoes, he opened his mouth and "the one" became a complete delusion. He was a complete dork.

"the one" doesn't exist. When you find a person you get on with and make a LTR with then you fool yourself into thinking they are "the one", it makes you feel comfortable and safe I guess.

I'm married to my 'one'

I didn't think 'oohh.. he's the one' when we met, but he is my one and only now.

He really is my world. My rock. My comfort.

The grass will never be greener elsewhere.

We are (IMO) not destined to be with one specific person, but as we grow (often together), then we become one entity.

nothing in life is so clear cut as a single route to individual happiness. Even from a simple logical route of XXX billion on the planet and XXX years humanity has existed, it is clearly too strange to imagine that 2 people are destined to meet in the same miniscule time span, same place, in a similar emotionally ready for a relationship state to fall in love and live happily ever after. Not only that, but for it to happen over and over again all over the world to all of us if we hang around and wait for it to happen. Even if you believe in God and predestination, it is really stretching logic too far in my book. Makes far more sense to believe that we are "tuned" to seek other?s similar to ourselves and that there are plenty of people open to each other and able to commit, respect and enjoy each other?s company enough to live and love together.
I believe that there are many different possible roads, options and choices, all leading to different definitions of happiness. I feel like I am married to my "one and only" in the sense that he is my own "one and only" right here right now and right for my future as far as anyone can judge. If fate had taken a different twist and we had never met, as impossible as it is to conceive, I would like to believe that we could still have found happiness in another way somehow albeit with different partners. Big believer in fate and seeing the good come out of circumstance and life. If I died tomorrow, I truly believe and hope that my DH will go on to find another "one and only" and find a new path to happiness and further partnership elsewhere - for him and our children.

Youcnnotbeserious - that's lovely.

Kind of do, kind of don't.
Have known several people for whom there was the instant falling in love thing, which worked out and they married and lived happily ever after (yes, really) til death did them part; BUT also don't think that you have to wait until you find "the one" to be happy.

I have a friend who is still waiting for "the one" - he is now 47 and still single. Nice bloke too.

I also knew a girl who had several "the Ones" - most of them eminently unsuitable. She was very flighty though. So long as they could sing Elvis to her, they were the One.

I thought I had met "the One" but he wasn't interested in me, so he obviously wasn't.

We are not lobsters.

Also lets not forget that couple-relationships are simply not suitable for everyone: there's nothing wrong with being happily single or with feeling best suited to a longterm menage a trois or group marriage. One size does not fit all.

I thought I had met "the One" but he wasn't interested in me, so he obviously wasn't.

Good sentiment, Thumbwitch!

I believe we can all find many people we are in love with, I also believe that when you find your soul mate then that is on a totally different plane. I think love is easy to come by, soul mates; there is only 1. I also believe, sadly, that most people won't ever meet their soul mates.

I think this is down to spirituality as well, maybe in another lifetime soul mates do meet.

No, I think there are many potentially suitable partners out there, and even when you find someone, it is bloody hard work to keep loving that person and maintaining a relationship. I love my husband dearly, and we both invest a lot of time in making our relationship work... but it is really hard at times. But if we ever did split up, then I'm sure I'd find someone else I'd fancy

We change so much throughout our lives. Different reason, causes, but we change. I have changed so much... so the 'one' that I thought was the 'one' back then... well, I outgrew and changed I became a far more mature person than him, and he just stayed in the same spot. So he unbecame being the 'one' for me. I stuck through this though, for a long time but I became unhappy. This made me feel very guilty but we both knew it and divorced after 26 years.... for half of that time he wasn't the one.

Then I went with someone similar to the old 'one' but he had all the missing bits that the 'one' before didn't mature into...but I wasn't the 'one' for him.

Now I am with a totally different mold type. The extreme opposite of the 'ones' I had before. And I feel he's the 'one' at the moment. He fills all the spots. Makes me feel whole etc... but it's only the begining and I can only see the tip of the iceberg. Same for him of course. But I don't beleive in the 'one'. People change too much constantly and although my values, morals etc stay the same inside, and they can't be changed, but I think we're so mallable as humans we are not 'set' creatures and constantly require fulfillment of different types because life runs over us and rounds us off like pebbles. Maybe the older we get the less we require and expect, maybe be accept on an easier term... but, no, I don't believe in the 'one' in a lifetime and that's it... that would be just doomsday.

That's the thing though, I think all the loves and the "ones" that turn out not to be, aren't truely soul mates. I think it's possible to have many loves but a soul mate is so much deeper and more.

I would like to bore you with the story of one of "the One" successes because I think it's so lovely - it was an ex's grandfather who was working on a ferry during his summer holidays from medical school. He saw this lovely young lady on the ferry one day but didn't get a chance to speak to her, so when the ferry docked and he realised he was about to lose his chance and might never see her again, he left the boat and followed her home, caught up with her at her garden gate and asked if he might see her again - they were married within 6 months and stayed together until she died; I'm not sure how many years but around the 60 mark. And they were a lovely couple and clearly still in love after all those years.

My DH may or may not be the One but he is the One Now and for the foreseeable; and I feel as though we are both a part of an indivisble unit. Good enough.

I don't believe anyone can be sure of 'the one' when they first meet. As we've all said, people grow / change etc.,

I know that DH is my one and only because we've been through some great times and some horrendous times.

I now know what being the one means. It's hard work, each and every day and it takes both of us to make this work.

But each day, I know that the man I'm with is worthy of my love, is worthy of my respect.

JodieG: if you think that because the bloke you are currently with is your 'soulmate' then I am happy for you that you are happy but please don't waste any sympathy on those of us who have better things to do than worrying about myths; if you believe all this rubbish and are miserable because you haven't found your 'soulmate'; then you are missing out on life either because you are turning down potential partners you could be perfectly happy with or because you are putting on hold all the millions of interesting wonderful other things you could be doing instead of pursuing some vision of perfect couplehood.

I don't believe in it, but then I don't believe in marriage either. It's unrealistic and not logical. People change, circumstances change, people grow apart. It's only a small minority of people that stay togehter for 'ever' and I have no idea how they manage to do it without killing each other.

I've never thought of any partner as 'the one', just as a person who I've loved, and who has loved me back. I think you're capable of falling in love with any person you like, if you allow yourself to. Imho it's got nothing to do with them being 'the one', they just happen to be 'the one' you love at that specific point in time.

Someone said about it being whoever is nearest when you reach that point of being ready...I sort of think that in a way. There are just times when I have felt like, 'I'm going to meet someone, uh-oh, it's time' and then sure enough I have done so.

There have been good ones and bad ones...this time it feels imminent again and I don't know who it's going to be, but I hope I am careful to make it better than the last one.

I have my eye on someone, he's not available yet but if he does become so in the near future that could be it.

Weird isn't it - I haven't felt ready for anything like that for a long time. Then suddenly the planets move perhaps - who knows, something happens.

so some people think it's down to fate?

I think it's important to keep an open mind about the type of person you might gel with: when I met my current partner (who I've known for a year), I didn't have the explosive 'this is it!" sensation I've had before.

But I could see that he was a much kinder, nicer man than my ex, and we got on brilliantly (still do) and somehow, because I gave us a chance, my feelings for him are deepening all the time and I know, even though it's early days, that we could have a future together.

And (in response to Beanieb's last question), to some extent it's always down to fate isn't it? Whether you've given fate a push (by trying online dating etc) or bumped into a stranger at the bus stop, somehow your paths have to pass. It could appear to be random or not, but it has to happen!

I believe.

And I do think my husband is 'the one'.

We're going through hell at the moment though, and we've both changed a lot over the last 15 years.

If things don't work out for us, then I'm sure that when I'm ready, I will meet someone who I can fall in love with and be happy with.

But I still think H was 'the one'. We were very very happy for a long time.

That's life. People change and move on. Relationships end. But I find it hard to believe that I'll ever have that connection and that wonderful feeling of unconditional love that I used to have with him...

Perhaps it's a combination of right person, right circumstances, right time etc...

dont believe in "the one" as such i believe in love and in lust and think that they are a heady combination, but its naive to think that there is just one person in the world who can make you happy

I've seen the word "unconditional" (love) on these sort of threads a few times and I have an issue with it. I don't believe you can have unconditional love except for your children. If your DH had an affair, murdered someone, abused your children, beat you up etc, you would leave him, you wouldn't still love him unconditionally! I think adult relationships are very conditional.

I agree that marriages are hard work some of the time. It is unlikely you are never going to strongly disagree over something or never hurt each other's feelings. If you think "Oh no, this means he is not the one" and go and find someone else to fall in love with, you will just do the whole thing again, get into the same relationship but with the new person, get to the same stage and get dissatisfied over again.

If you don't mind the insecure, unsettled feeling and fear of loneliness then this approach could work for you but if you want to feel relaxed that you have someone who has promised to be there for you and give you love and companionship then you do have to work through the bad phases and not give up.

(This is what I am telling myself right now anyway as DH has really upset me by not being supportive about something which is really hard for me.) There is another man I keep thinking about whenever DH does something I don't like. I sometimes have this horrible feeling of "What if the other man really is the one and I should be with him". When I look at it logically the other man would be very unsuitable in a lot of ways and people around me would think it was utter madness if I left DH for him. But the chemical attraction is mindblowingly strong! I don't want to believe he is "the one" as it would turn my life upside down.

Not sure I believe in 'the one'. How can there only be one person for you. What happens if you don't take that 5.29pm from Gloucester train ?
My dh is lovely and good for me. Glad I met him. I could have so easily not.

short answer NO

it is all about different times in our lives coinciding with another person and how expectations and needs of both are matched over time

not one for romantic ideas
as for lust well endless ways of clinking with a number of different people

I think it's better to keep choosing to be with someone, rather than stay with them over some absurd idea that they are the only person in the world for you.

No. Absolutely not.