Is it needy to want daily contact when involved with someone?

[mocca]

I'm 50 and split from my ex almost 2 years ago after a particularly horrid betrayal. I think I'm over him though and have been involved with a lovely new man for just over 3 months. He's told me he loves me and I have very strong feelings for him and feel we have a future together - he asked me yesterday what I was doing on New Year's Eve because he wants to plan a trip to Paris.

I find it hard to relax though because I have an overwhelming need to be in some form of daily contact with him - it doesn't have to be a phone call, just a quick text will do. Usually he will contact me but there are some days now when he doesn't and it completely does my head in. I feel very needy about this but can't deny my feelings. I don't really doubt his love so why is it so important? I spoke with him last night for over an hour and it was lovely but now I'm feeling very anxious because I haven't heard from him all day and would love to text him but I'm the one who inititated the phone call last night. I only see him once a fortnight because he lives over 200 miles away and we both have kids so the distance probably has something to do with my need for reassurance. I know this probably all sounds pathetic but I really could do with some advice! Do I say something to him or will that send him running for the hills!

It's a bit like the time in a new relationship where you're wondering 'does he feel the same about me as I do about him?' One of you has to take the plunge and say something like 'Are we going out with each other now?'

If you feel uncomfortable about your 'neediness' as it's only 3 months into the relationship, you could say to yourself, I'll give it another 6 weeks or so, and if it's still bothering me a lot, I'll bring it up.

I had a relationship like this; he was glad to be with me, but needed less contact. So in the end I just said, look I know you don't feel the need, but I'd love it if we exchanged a text every day just to say hallo. He accepted that it was something that would make me feel happier and it wasn't a big thing for him, so from then on, he or I texted every day. I also told him that I'd prefer him to respond reasonably soon (ie couple of hours) after getting a text. (Obviously if in work meeting, out of signal etc not a problem..)

I really sympathise mocca! It's hell isn't it, trying to negotiate new relationships after being battered by life

i think 43today is saying some wise things

i do tend to leave a gap between thinking something and bringing it up as in that example of waiting 6 weeks or something

if he has said he loves you tho and is making plans im sure you saying about a text or something making you happier wont go down the wrong way at all

i am going slightly mad at the mo but if i havent already said this then i thought it was quite funny in the where do we stand thinking

i had an interview for a job on friday and bf stayed with me the night before

we were discussing interview questions and i said to him well of course you interviewed me didnt you...(referrinbg to our first date somewhat tongue in cheek)...did i get the job?

he said...well youre on probation

not sure whether that is quite as good as i love you lol

I'm so glad you girls understand - I'm going mad today, texted him 2 hours ago saying can get time off work to go on New Year's Eve thing and how was his day going and no reply. He's a carpenter so always very busy but have convinced myself he's ignoring me because he's finally twigged what a nutter I am!

Would it be crap to phone him later this evening if he hasn't replied? I've decided will do what you did 43 and mention the daily text. I just can't fight this anymore and it's affecting my ability to be a good mum - luckily my D away for a while so hope to get myself sorted before she gets back.

Sounds like things going great with your man Zippi.

Oh mocca- it's so difficult isn't it? I do think that you have to come clean and explain that you need a bit more contact if it's affecting your life so much. But remember, before you do so, think through what you will do if he doesn't take it the right way.. Be calm and clear, and present it as a positive thing, not a way to check up on him or control his life. But also, remember that your insecurity may mean that if he does contact you daily, you might find something else to worry about.. Be prepared for that!

It would probably be better to approach the subject in person, after you have spent some time together, so he doesn't feel got at. At the end of a happy evening together maybe?

I do sympathise so much; at the end of the day, we all have an idea of what we want from a relationship, and if that involves regular contact, then you should ask for it.

I spent years in an unhappy marriage and resolved after it ended that I would try to spell out what I needed when things arose that bothered me. It's not always easy to stick to it, and I've had a couple of relationships since; but I am trying..

Good luck!

Thanks so much for getting back to me, I'm supposed to be seeing him this weekend so will talk then. And very glad that you're being true to yourself and seem happy.
Bye for now.

good luck for the weekend! And hope you carry on having fun too, zippi..

hey, i think some of you are being a little harsh on you, i think you already know deep down u dont like being or feeling clingy and although warning of how horrible needyness is for the other person might give you perspective, i dont think its incredibly practicle in actually helping to stop how u feel.
To feel absolutely desperate and panicky when alone is terribly hard to control.it doesnt happen overnight and you will get relapses.
The partner isn't neccessary nothing to do with the problem, and they need to try and understand whats going on to work on the problem in the first place, thats what a partnership is, isn't it?
Low self esteem, bad history are deep rooted sorces of this needyness and issues that need to be dealt with.
You need to in a way beggin again with yourself, find a way to distance ur emotions even if it means going a lil cold with partner, you need to work on what you want in life and create a more confident you. Force yourself to do things they dont like that you do, so you have things that he can never take away by not being their and you can be proud of.
generally it is true that if you become more independant, its more likely theyl react to it and be more threaghtened and try harder, but you still have to be strong and keep it all up.Good luck.

"The partner isn't neccessary nothing to do with the problem, and they need to try and understand whats going on to work on the problem in the first place, thats what a partnership is, isn't it?"

A three month relationship isn't a partnership though is it? He's a boyfriend. If someone I had been going out with insisted on daily texts when I'd been going out with them for three months and only saw them twice a month (effectively therefore only ever met them 6 times) I would run scremaing in the opposite direction. Sorry to be blunt but that is how I'd feel.

He is saying and doing all the right things eg going away at new year, don't scare him off, deal with your insecurity yourself.

If it helps I never understand this thing women seem to have about texting - I often don;t have my mobile with me at any particular and certianly don't have it all the time in work. I often don't pick up texts for hours sometiems not until the following day. If you are not in the habit of sending texts to people regularly you're not in the habit of checking regularly either. He may also be embarassed to pick up your texts and reply in working hours in front of other people as its a bit teeange girl-y for a grown man.

Sorry I know that sounds harsh and I don;t mean it to be - you really need to deal with this yourself - you think him texting you everyday will make this go away but it won't. What if his phone battery is flat one day - you're going to be convinced that he's gone off you. You need to be able to cope without him sending you daily texts and that you think its affecting your parenting is a worrying sign that this is way out of proportion in your mind.

Thanks for more comments, am going to try a support group this week (one that deals with dependency issues etc, amazing what you can find these days!). It must be hard for people who aren't like this to understand; goes back a hell of a long way to childhood/first relationship and the fear/panic is very real and quite frightening. Never too late to try and change the habits of a lifetime though.

And he was the one who started off the texting thing - quite a few each day and very lovey-dovey, I was quite taken aback! Doing it less now, presumably because he feels more comfortable.

good luck with the support group. FWIW I really don't think you need worry about him, he sounds like he really likes you.

I feel exactly the same, he used to message every day and now it's once a week, I've tried to tell him I want more contact, he usually answers if I text, but he doesn't seem to listen.
We haven't been able to see one another for months so maybe that doesn't help, I can go a couple of days without a message but then I start to wonder why if he likes me as much as he says he does he doesn't message me like he used to.
He says I'm insecure but I'm not usually like this, I do overthink, I think if he just told me why he doesn't message as much, if it's something I've done it would help.

@mocca I think you have needs, you are not needy. This phone contact anxiety is common and I totally understand how that feels.

There is a podcast on Spotify called "On attachment". You might find it useful.

Sending you lots of love and support, you are not alone xxx