Is it needy to want daily contact when involved with someone?

[mocca]

I'm 50 and split from my ex almost 2 years ago after a particularly horrid betrayal. I think I'm over him though and have been involved with a lovely new man for just over 3 months. He's told me he loves me and I have very strong feelings for him and feel we have a future together - he asked me yesterday what I was doing on New Year's Eve because he wants to plan a trip to Paris.

I find it hard to relax though because I have an overwhelming need to be in some form of daily contact with him - it doesn't have to be a phone call, just a quick text will do. Usually he will contact me but there are some days now when he doesn't and it completely does my head in. I feel very needy about this but can't deny my feelings. I don't really doubt his love so why is it so important? I spoke with him last night for over an hour and it was lovely but now I'm feeling very anxious because I haven't heard from him all day and would love to text him but I'm the one who inititated the phone call last night. I only see him once a fortnight because he lives over 200 miles away and we both have kids so the distance probably has something to do with my need for reassurance. I know this probably all sounds pathetic but I really could do with some advice! Do I say something to him or will that send him running for the hills!

Hey Janos, just turned it back on and no message and am tormented of course! Know I'm going to crack, would rather be single than feeling like this....thanks for understanding though. Doesn't help that in an hour my ex is going to be picking up my little girl and whisking her off for a holiday with his new girlfriend and her brood. Need to give myself a good kick up the backside!!

well we live 100 miles apart

we probably see each other something like every other weekend on average so sometimes consecutive and sometimes a gapo or an odd night..a weekend is often three nights tho so quite intense

in between we might have the occasional phone call...we exchange emails but quite short ones most days but not everyday

dont usually text but sometimes do randomly

eg this weekend he was at afestival and i sent him one which he replied to

if he doesnt get in touch it is usually because he is doing something or i think he sometimes just likes to leave me dangling tho i havent actuially asked him that

scrabulous is online scrabb;le and we take two or three days to play a game..and we sometimes send messages over that

so if i havent had an email reply and we havent got a game on then i will start one

i do try to do things myself because i dont want to be completely stranded if we split up

and in fact i like doing things indepently and it gives us stuff to talk about

unfortunately i dont have a job so i am not busy enough at the moment

i am always having ewobbles

we have been seeing each other since october

You want what you want, mocca. Your needs are just that.

Don't beat yourself up about that part.

Instead, try to focus on what is positive about YOUR life right now, regardless of him, and how you've changed for the better.

Why not treat yourself now that you have some time free to yourself? A nice bath, a walk or a run, some yoga?

Exercise helps a lot, IMO.

exercise definitely

watch dvds read

apply for jobs..wel possibly that is just me!

Oh yes, exercise is always good!

It makes you feel better, keeps you occupied (no looking at the phone ) and of course helps you to look better too, all of which is good for your self esteem.

honestly if he has said he loves you and asked to take you to paris for new year it sounds like he is very happy and you really dont need to feel insecure

Zippi, sounds like your situation is very similar to mine and I take heart from it! Do hope you're happy with him, you've been together a while so must be going well. I suppose if mine wants to plan stuff at new year and has also said he wants a late summer holiday with me, I should just chill.
But why oh why do men go from giving you lots of contact to less and less..

i tell myself i have been seeing him for ages, but i still dont feel secure

but that is partly the age thing

If he really wants you he will get back in contact with you in a few days. If you always initiate the contact and don't give him a chance to, then you won't know whether he really wants you or not. Although it sounds like you have nothing to worry about if he is already planning NY Eve . If he doesn't really want you and doesn't get in touch it is better to find out earlier than later. (I say it like it is what I would do but I would probably be too weak and text all the time!)

We spoke before Zippi, different thread - try not to worry about the age thing, you're gorgeous and it's been nearly a year! And I was too weak just now Tracksuit and sent him a bright and breezy text (but obviously wasn't feeling bright and breezy!) and he texted straight back - he's been busy working on house and about to pick up son. Am own worst enemy

the other thing is not to answer his too quickly

so if he has sent a text/email

keep it a whileas you owing him one is less anxiety inducing

i have done the oh darn i wish i hadnt sent/said that now thing

but tbh if he is right for you then it doesnt matter taht much and he probably isnt even aware of your insecurities

I don't think he knows about them yet but maybe it's just a matter of time. Good to know you know what I'm talking about and hope we can both hang in there!

i can totally see where the OP is coming from..im not even seeing anyone, but as i am still not over my ex i am constantly checking my phone to see if he has texted. Sometimes i leave it 3 or 4 days but i always think, god, if i was seeing someone brand new i would go out of my mind having no contact for 3-4 days.

My sister has a bloke shes been seeing for a year, sometimes she texts me when she is with me, and if he doesnt reply all day, i see her getting more and more wound up. She says sometimes she just needs the support and if he doesnt reply its like he doesnt care. I do see her point, but we are both quite proud about looking desparate too.

This must so be a woman thing
I am in a new relationship [1 month] and although he texts me most days at least 3 times, when he doesn't I am distraught. It is absolutely ridiculous to feel like this at this early stage but can't help it. Everytime I am expecting a text and don't get one, I text him.

Then when he replies, he appears 'made up' that I have made contact but that starts me worrying that he is only being polite

I have so much sympathy for OP cos am such an idiot where these things are concerned

Mine was like that at the beginning - if only they understood! Good luck with your new man. No text this morning when I always used to get one so day ruined, what an idiot I am..

Mine was like that at the beginning - if only they understood! Good luck with your new man. No text this morning when I always used to get one so day ruined, what an idiot I am..

Mine was like that at the beginning - if only they understood! Good luck with your new man. No text this morning when I always used to get one so day ruined, what an idiot I am..

not an idiot he's prob just busy with one thing & another.

agree re the not texting back right away thing - looks like you've been waiting for him.

I like to have 1 text during the day but not so fussed about more - the man i've been seeing likes daily contact which is fine by me, but on other times I'm so busy doing stuff I don't have time to text back - read it then get on doing things, then remember about 6pm to send one back. I assume if he doesn't reply right away that he's busy at work etc.

just keep your mind on something else.

the turning the phone off - I sometimes do that - well I do when I want to be left alone, it goes off, I might check it and have it on for 5 mins of a night but it's off and I blame a dead battery - usually do that when the man's texting a lot. but on the whole I think we've got a good balance really

I suppose I am going to go against what nearly everyone else has said so far.. but if you are in a 'serious' relationship, what's wrong with having contact of some sort every day?

Why are your needs less worthy of respect than his? it's not as if you are asking him to have hour-long phone conversations all the time. I think a text or 2 every day isn't needy at all. Game-playing is ok at the very beginning of a relationship if you are trying to work out whether you and he are going to be serious, but once you are, you have to be honest about what you need to make you feel happy. Being in touch just shows that you are thinking about each other and happy to be together.

It's hardly going to cost him much effort to send or respond to a text on a daily basis and it obviously would make a big difference to how you feel. If you tell him that you understand that he is serious about you, and that he loves you, and that one way he could make you happy would be to do this little thing, he would probably be fine with it. If he doesn't know that you would like it, how can he be expected to meet your needs?

Of course, all the other stuff about having a life outside the relationship, doing exercise, not obsessing etc is also true and well worth doing. But if he is as keen on you as he says he is, he won't mind reassuring you in this way.

Thanks for your post 43Today - no matter how hard how try to rationalise that I don't want some form of daily contact, it just goes so against the grain! Glad to see that you don't think it's unreasonable.

Please try to remember that whatever happened to you in the past is your problem and not his. Nothing is more offputting than clinging, bleating whiners who need constant reassurance: it's OK to have feelings but not to burden other people with them. You need, as others have said, some hobbies and some other social interactions because no one individual can be responsible for your whole emotional wellbeing (and anyone who would want to woul actually be a psycho control freak anyway).

Yes, that's true too but have full-time job, single mum to young child and loads of social interactions so no matter how much I have on my plate, I always tend to focus on a man. Very unhealthy I know and god knows I probably need help but it's so bad right now I even feel like finishing the relationship so I can be at peace. On the other hand, all I'm asking for is just a short text every day and that would help me so much.

Have you actually talked about this to your DP? I really think there is a huge difference between a little daily contact and being a 'clinging bleating whiner who needs constant reassurance'.

If you present your needs as something to be apologetic or embarrassed about, he may well think you are too needy. If you are positive about it, saying that you are happy to be with him and hearing from each other every day adds to the happiness, I can't see that as coming across as too needy, more like a compliment.

Everyone has different needs in relationships, and I think it's a shame if once you find a special person, you have to pretend to be less 'into' them than you really are for fear of scaring them off.

You're not being a manipulative demanding mass of neediness by simply asking. Of course, if you then found that a text or two wasn't enough and you started to feel the need for more, perhaps then you should wonder whether you were being too demanding..

Thanks for this - I think it would really help because this is actually interfering with my daily life. I know I have issues and I'm trying to deal with them but also feel, that if I put it to him in the way you describe, he probably wouldn't find it a problem. There's no way I would become a 'clinging bleating whiner who needs constant reassurance', I'd just like to think I can ask for what I need in a positive way.