Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my husband is having an affair

31 replies

mylifeisamess · 02/08/2008 11:29

Hi I have been married for 12 years part of couple for nearly 20 we have 3 boys 10 8 and 3 My husband ha been acting out of character for a while and when I confronted him (agin) he admitted he has been seeing someone else. They have known each other for a while but only started "seeing each other" 6 weeks ago from what he says the relationship has been 6 coffees and a kiss emails and a texts. This has been coming for a while as things have been difficult the main area being our totally mismatched sex drives. Personally I am happy to seek conselling and try to work things out but he isn't - he sees this relationship as a way of finding future happiness and that he is not prepared to give it up. From our relationship point of view I am hurt and upset but actually I can face a fture without him but the children terrify me. They are young and as he is stay at home dad and I work they will have to live with him - some type of shared custody he has them during the week I have them at weekends but that still means I won't be a proper mum. And I can't see how they can survive unscathed. I have no intention of having an acrimonious split but I wish I could see the future and know that this will be ok. Right now it is just too F scarey for words

OP posts:
watsthestory · 02/08/2008 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beanieb · 02/08/2008 11:35

Has he suggested that he would be the resident parent? Are you sure that is what he wants?

lazaroulovesleggings · 02/08/2008 11:36

You poor poor thing. Are you sure this can't be worked out? I wouldn't give up on your marriage without a fight.

csi · 02/08/2008 11:36

Hi my life.I have lived lived well tried through dh;s affairs anfd texting other women. But i found out this week he'd texted another so basically i ahvent seen or heard from him since tuesday!

Men always thinkt he grass is greener. 9 out of 10 times they always wantt o come back. Its whether you will want him back?

Do you have anyon ein rl to come and be with you?

RuthChan · 02/08/2008 11:41

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
It sounds very scary.

It also sounds as though this has happended very suddenly.
Your DH says that his new relationship is a way out through which he may find future happiness.
However, he is basing this idea on '6 coffess and a kiss, emails and texts'. That's not much to go on when considering leaving your family.
Is he really prepared to give up on a 20 year relationship that also involves 2 young boys quite so easily?
Surely this affair indicates problems that have not yet been dealt with, but maybe they can be addressed and solved.
Does he really not think that his family is worth fighting for? Or even giving counselling a try?
Mismatched sex drives may be the root of the problem, or they may simply be a symptom of a deeper problem. Maybe you could find out and solve it.

It is very brave of you to say that you are prepared to give the relationship a second chance. Many women in your situation would throw in the towel immediately.
I truly hope that he is prepared to meet you half way.

Original poster
mylifeisamess · 02/08/2008 11:41

I have spoken to my v long standing bf earlier ad will probably go and see her next week. We are off on holiday en famille tomorrow - so are currently "acting normally" He says he hadn't expected me to find out so soon so has not thought about the long term practicalities (just that his happiness was worth risking out marriage)

OP posts:
beanieb · 02/08/2008 11:43

hadn't expected you to find out so soon? So now he's been rumbled he's moving things on pretty quickly with the new woman!

If I were you I would tell him to leave for a while.

Elasticwoman · 02/08/2008 11:46

Is the sexual mismatch something you've lived with for 20 years, or something that's arisen recently? Maybe this problem can be got over. However, your trust in him might not be so easily reinstated.

Looking at the bigger picture, maybe your SAHD h needs more of a challenge in his life and this is just a sympton.

Original poster
mylifeisamess · 02/08/2008 11:54

the sexual thing is long standing comes and goes as an issue. I suspect it is partly his boredom that has allowed this situation to arise. He is very stubborn I fear by fighting I will push him away. We have talked a lot since yesterday am and I worried for him as well as me that he is going try and push things along far too fast and end up very hurt. Neither of us wants to leave - I've never understood how one adult can thrown another out of their home. I don't think I can do anything about "us" unless he wants to (sorry if that sounds passive) but I do desperately want to proect our children and my role a their mum.

OP posts:
RuthChan · 02/08/2008 11:58

It is entirely natural to want to protect both your marriage and your role as your children's mum.
Both are worth fighting for, particulalry the latter.

Both you and your DH are kind of in shock about all this. It makes sense to take things slowly and try to work out what's best all round.

lazaroulovesleggings · 02/08/2008 11:59

Well, if he wants to throw his marriage away then he is extremely foolish. Just make sure you protect yourself financially. Get advice before he screws you over.
So sorry you're going through this.

girlnextdoor · 02/08/2008 12:00

If I were you, I'd play it cool as much as you can.

he is in the first flush of "lust" - 6 dates and a kiss do not really equal an affair in my opinion- more a flirtation.

I think it is quite possible he will come to his senses.

Question is- to you want to be with him when you have mis-matched sex lives- does he want more- or do you?

If I were you I would make it clear that you do not want to separate, and let him do all the running in terms of making changes to your lives.

Don't shoulder the whole burden of your kids- HE is 50% responsible, and maybe that is the issue that you need to drive home- the effect his behaviour will have on them.

Original poster
mylifeisamess · 02/08/2008 12:00

On that note does anyone know where best for advice I'm nervous a solicitor would make the situation hostile but I'm not sure if relate or CAB would be worthwhile?

OP posts:
Original poster
mylifeisamess · 02/08/2008 12:02

He wants a lot more and yes I think I do want to be with him but I could live without him but not without the boys

OP posts:
Kally · 02/08/2008 12:03

Beleive me,I stayed in my marriage after an affair, when my kids were small, for their sakes. But its never the same. Of course this is my personal experience, but it's never the same, We struggled on for another 12 years and another baby trying to 're-bond' but basically it killed things. I always resented him and our 'mismatched sex-drive' mismatched even more after that! We finally split up.
Looking back at those 26 years, and comparing the first 12 to the 2nd 12, we were like two different people come the end. I had changed. My unconditional love had been 'shit' on and I felt betrayed and insecure forever more after that. If its weak now, all those things are going to weaken it further on in the marriage.
don't know, I haven't heard of any marriages that 'blossom' and are stronger after an affair and the desire for a partner to move out. Maybe someone here will say 'we did'...
My two older kids grew up in amongst the unsettled atmosphere of two people struggling to be a couple, and my youngest child up to a point, as we split up when she was 4. I don't know if I should have left when he admitted the affair, what would life have been like for us all... (this affair took place 12 years into the marriage).
Today I perhaps wish I had left then, but I have my DD here, she's wnderful and now we have a happy good life with each other. The older children are independant, but DD1 had relationship problems with her hubby and I don't know if it will last. My DS is still single, so time will tell. But no matter what, it does leave scars on everyone. I am so sorry for you, but it happens such a lot these days, its so sad.

girlnextdoor · 02/08/2008 12:05

I doubt if he could get custody of your DSs. very unusual if men do.

Why not look in your local phone book at solicitors- most give a free half hour and many will say they specialise in marital matters.

However- aren't you giving up too soon? he may well not go.

evangelina · 02/08/2008 15:22

I feel really sorry for you- it's a nightmare situation.

I've been reading recently that the courts are more and more giving custody to fathers if they are the stay at home parent. If you carry on working, bear this in mind because a court may prefer your boys to live with their father rather than after school clubs etc. If he then marries/lives with this lady, then she will effectively become the "mother" to your children during the week. How do you feel about this?

Also will you have to pay maintenance to them both?

You haven't really gone into much detail about the sex drive issue, so I'm not sure what part this has to play in all this.

Alexa808 · 02/08/2008 16:34

6 weeks is nothing. He's got rose-tinted glasses on. Would his 'fling' still hang 'round if the kids are going to live with him? Most likely she'll disappear like a succubus the second it becomes reality (all the sweet talk will evaporise in the struggle to care for 3 small kids).

I am very sorry you're in this situation. You sound amazingly calm and collected.

Maybe this might help:

www.stopyourdivorce.com/

Original poster
mylifeisamess · 02/08/2008 22:08

Alexa I will look at that properly - on first reading it is very interesting and might be worth a go when in fact me talking about the impact on the boys is probably counter productive. I know he will have thought about them.

Re resident parent we both want to be resident parents - i suppose joint residency must be possible but i think he thinks the that somehow magically we can afford an extra house for me - we are comfortably off but that is nonsense. i am well aware that the court would likely say he has the family home until the children have grown up and also that as he is the stay at home dad he would get residency. I am keen to try to avoid that. I desperately want to be there for them.

I feel totally powerless waiting on what she wants to do next (I'm fairly sure I know who it is and I can see why he "loves her" she already has children and is still married) I really wish he would give me a last chance to sort out our problems and then think about his long term wants / desires/ needs.

OP posts:
evangelina · 03/08/2008 06:38

Have you considered going on long term sick leave (due to stress) so that you have more of a chance of residency? I know that economically losing your job would be disasterous, but will your children understand if you suddenly disappear out of the house from Monday to Friday? I hope I'm not being insensitive, just throwing ideas forward really, as I would find the idea of another woman usurping my role and me paying her for the privilege unbearable.

Earlybird · 03/08/2008 06:50

So sorry you're going through this. It must be dreadful.

Practical questions:

  1. How long has he been stay-at-home Dad (how long since he worked/earned)? Does he have significant earning potential?
  1. Does the other woman (the person you suspect) work/earn out of the home?
ChirpyGirl · 03/08/2008 07:04

I am so sorry this is happeneing to you, and I hope that he comes to his senses so you can talk properly about this.

I do want to mention what some friends of mine's parents did when they were little, the dad was a SAHD and he got a flat somewhere else so his gf wasn't in their house, but came over every day while their mum was at work to look after them, then handed over to their mum for overnight and weekend, so the kids all stayed in the same home and got continuity of care etc but saw their parents nearly as much as they had always had.

kpas · 03/08/2008 07:12

If you had the strength and the law on your side i wish you could just send him packing !! Go the CAB definitely , dont be soft ,your kids and there welfare are worth fighting for. Why cant you kick him out, get childcare and carry on working, he would have to work and give maintenance to you !! I cant believe the way the law works regarding separations like this. You sound like you dont think much of yourself by saying ' i can see why he loves her ' . She is still married and has kids , believe me there are a million reasons why there relationship will not work . I hope her husband gets rid of her , and you get rid of yours and let them get on with it , i hope you keep the house and your kids. Lots of people here care but you need solid advice , dont waste a minute getting in touch with CAB they are great . Good luck

evangelina · 03/08/2008 11:44

chirpygirl, how did your friends find this arrangement as they were growing up? It sounds better from the children's point of view than going between two much smaller houses.

whatdayisit · 03/08/2008 12:14

I wonder how the woman feels- is she looking for a "relationship", or does she think she's been having coffee with a friend? Just that I got myself in a mess like this. Started spending some time with a man who I though was just a friend and all of a sudden he's talking about running away from his "old" life. He felt like his wife wouldn't notice or care if he left (which wasn't true) but we all have spells when we feel underappreciated don't we ? and SAHM/D's probably suffer more than most.

After a few weeks (of me telling him he was losing his mind) he came to his senses, realised his 20 year relationship and family were much more important that the laughs we had over coffee. It was a bit of a mid-life crisis I suppose. As nothing physical has happened with your DH and OW, I think it's a bit early to be thinking there's no way back TBH.