my husband is having an affair

[mylifeisamess]

Hi I have been married for 12 years part of couple for nearly 20 we have 3 boys 10 8 and 3 My husband ha been acting out of character for a while and when I confronted him (agin) he admitted he has been seeing someone else. They have known each other for a while but only started "seeing each other" 6 weeks ago from what he says the relationship has been 6 coffees and a kiss emails and a texts. This has been coming for a while as things have been difficult the main area being our totally mismatched sex drives. Personally I am happy to seek conselling and try to work things out but he isn't - he sees this relationship as a way of finding future happiness and that he is not prepared to give it up. From our relationship point of view I am hurt and upset but actually I can face a fture without him but the children terrify me. They are young and as he is stay at home dad and I work they will have to live with him - some type of shared custody he has them during the week I have them at weekends but that still means I won't be a proper mum. And I can't see how they can survive unscathed. I have no intention of having an acrimonious split but I wish I could see the future and know that this will be ok. Right now it is just too F scarey for words

TBH they just accepted it as it all happened when they were very small but they almost functioned as a 'normal' family. I used to go round after school and it took awhile before I even noticed that their dad didn't stay. He used to join us for tea sometimes as well.

From what I knew though it was a very amicable divorce so the parents just acted as very good friends instead of ex'es.

How are you mylife? not sure if you can even see this while away but I hope your holiday goes as well as it can.

OK, so he is a SAHD at the moment, while you work. But, supposing you both worked....... how would you have organised the childcare/school runs then? Obviously, that would not be your 1st choice for your kids (or else he would already be out at work), but plenty of other families manage it. What I'm saying is, even though you work full time, there must be ways of ensuring the kids maintain residency with you, even if that means a CM or after-school clubs or whatever. You may not think that ideal, but then neither is moving out. If your starting point, (assuming that separation is the only way forward, and I'm not sure you're there yet) is that no WAY are you leaving the family home and that you will get childcare organised, then maybe you can work round to the idea of him coming in each day to be that carer. Dunno..... might work?

When you speak of 'mismatched sex drives' I get the impression that you mean his was higher than yours: before this happened, what were you doing to try to resolve the problem between you? If you were/are expecting that he should just 'control himself' and were not communicating with him about it or working on ways to make both of you reasonably contented with regard to your sex life, then it is not that surprising that he has looked elsewhere.

I also get the impression that you don't really want to be in a relationship with him any more anyway: if this is so then please devote your energies to making the separation as amicable as possible for the sake of your DC. If you no longer 'love' a partner as a partner, you can try to learn to respect and get along with them as your DC's co-parent.

I'm not really sure what I want I really didn't see this coming. At present he is going to see where his "relationship heads" and I'm just hoping it won't head anywhere. I don't know what they think will happen if her husband finds out! I'm trying to keep the situation light. Regards work I earn an awlful lot more than he would. He hasn't worked for 10 years. We will use mediation when the time comes. I am going to call and book an apppointment with relate to try and work out what I want as I'm not sure what I want. I will not criticise or fight in front of the children.

Thank you all for your comments. I have made an appointment for relate for me next week when we are back home. He has taken the children to castles today whilst I am pottering in St Ives - had thought about going to the Tate but not sure.

Its hard to talk about the practicalities when neither of us really know where we are heading. Separation is almost certain (the only reason I don't say certain is that there is always that tiny chance that something will change.) as that is what he wants regardless of what happens in his relationship. I would make try and resolve things and yes the person who asked what I had done about the mismatched sex drives is right - I hadn't really talked about his feelings or needs so i am not in any way blameless. However sometimes it takes a major event to really drive something in. He does not think I can change and right now he wouldn't want me even if I could.

My job involves very long hours (including an overnight once a week) and one of the reasons he stayed at home was the difficulty of finding flexible enough childcare. I am thinking about au pair but am not sure. I also want to preserve the boys relationship with their father as they are truly innocent and love both of us.

I'm thinking about CAB but my husband has always dealt with the money - he is going to show me what we have and what our liabilities are when we get home. Depending on what happens with relate I will hopefully be in a better posistion to make use of CAB - right now I would probably just cry and that would be unhelpful.

You sound so sad and like you have no control of what happens next. I'm sorry I don't have advice but I hope there is a resolution for you.