I can't manage penetrative sex after six months

[Sixmonthmum]

Hi everyone,
I love my husband to bits and before baby came along 6 months ago we were making love at least 3 times a week, often much more. But now I seize up down there and he can't enter me more than an inch. Obviously my libido is a lot lower than it was but I still have some desire. This isn't happening to any of my friends in similar situations. I had an emergency c-section, postnatal depression and I'm still breastfeeding. Has anyone had this and what will help it to go away? Please?

This is vaginismus. it's a condition that is partly psychological but that has real physical effects. You need to see a doctor about it, but in the meantime do some internet research. I've read stuff about this before, there may be some things you can try by yourself/with hubby. Is he nice and understanding?

Thanks, Kat, I will have a read. He is nice about it, but he's also frustrated - we only got married recently too! Do you know how common it is as a problem and what caused it?

The usual things to try are a glass of wine, lots of foreplay and lots of lube. But there are things that can be done if that doesn't work. I was given (for different reasons - a painful episiotomy scar and not enough capacity) a set of "dilators" which are increasing sized dildos, basically. They have been really helpful in dealing with my penetration issues.

Agree with Kat. sixmonthmum, is it possible that deep down you are very very scared of being pregnant again? You sound as though you had a very hard time. I had similar problems to mrstittlemouse, but even after the physical issues were resolved we still had a lot of difficulty, and it took me quite a while to realise that I was terrified of falling pregnant again. It wasn't until I had rock solid contraception in place that I got over it ... Just my thoughts.

Really good info -

NHS

Not sure if this would be tmi but to solve any immediate 'issues' have you tried doing non-penatrative things to get more confortable with being sexy again...

I had this too (but not as a result of childbirth, I just had it) it's pyschological. I too was given dilators which helped.

My DS is 5 months and I have to use a bucket load of lubrication. Have you tried this?

Thanks, everyone, for lots of response to this - not feeling so on my own with it now. Mrs Tittlemouse & ilovemydog, your suggestions are good ones: have tried the wine & a lube, but perhaps not the best make of (tried Jason's products natural one as hubbie gets a rash from KY grrr - maybe he'll have to put up with a bit of rash tho!). What you & Branflake81 said about dilators is really interesting: it's good to know that there is something else I can do if can't fix it otherwise. GillianLovesMarmite, you are right about the messing about idea. Might ask husband to do so on the understanding that it won't lead to sex (then I can relax). Lululemonrefuser, you may have a good point: I recently went on the pill, which has now kicked again for about two weeks. Last night's attempt at lovemaking was a disaster, but I could still be irrationally scared, or maybe I am expecting for it to hurt (my caesarean scar was agony for ages & I kind of froze up down in that general area, probably). Does anyone have experience of previous babies, so they can advise after how many months the old libido comes back properly?

I had this - couldn't even have a smear test. It did go away, eventually, I think I was just so frightened after the birth.

A glass of wine did help and taking things v slowly, no pressure.

I had this too, after giving birth to DS1 (3rd degree tear) It lasted a very long time, but it has gone away now. At first I had dilators, which helped a bit (allowed us to conceive DS2) but it continued to be difficult for a few years after that. Then, just recently two things happened around about the same time:
1 I started using a Mooncup
2 I stopped BF DS2

Using the mooncup gave me the confidence of knowing that I could insert something, and I also learned more about relaxing. Stopping the BF helped because my libido increased.

We can now have sex without dilators or any additional lubrication, and a few months ago I'd never have believed it possible. I was convinced that my problem was physical, but it turned out to be largely psychological. It's such a relief now that things are back to normal. Hope you get your problem sorted more quickly than I did.

I was initially diagnosed with this, I struggled with smears, sex was painful etc.

Then eventually it turned out that scar tissue built up over years due to non-elasticity of skin (every time I had sex I was being torn, tmi? Sorry) had made me too small down there to do anything comfortably anymore, and I had to have an op to make me bigger!

Not saying this is what's happened to you, but worth getting checked out to make sure it is psycholgical rather than physical. I spent months going for sexual counselling (some of it quite hard going) for vaginismus only for them to discover it wasn't vaginismus after all.

Good luck, whatever it turns out to be. Not being able to do the do is no fun at all.

You might find that if you play together with the understanding of no sex that you become relaxed enough for it to carry on to sex without thinking about it.

I haven't had this problem but I still get uncomfortable during sex, especially if he is too forceful or goes too deep I can feel it pushing on my scar. It can be a little off putting for him I think when I wince each time

Trigger happy there.

I do find it off putting and he does too, sometimes we'll start but just stop. It's sad because it's so not how our sex life used to be before Tink was born.

yes have this problem too. had 3 c secs, fine after the first and second but this time ( and dd is now 18 mths) its a real problem. tried wine and lube. Did help but not only after he eventually got inside. Then my body relaxes. On insertion i seem to clam up but i think im now anticiapeting the discomfort which doesnt help. Im still BF at night so libido low accept around the 4th day!!! But even then the penetration problem spoils it. It almost feels as if something is stopping him from going up but it cant be cos he gets there eventually. Guess is like a tight band?? Once past a certain point its ok? Maybe too much detail here but its useful for the subject were discussing.

I meant the 14th day, but you probably realised that. Gosh i cant beleive that im discussing our sex life with strangers, DH would go mad if he knew.

Hi ladies, this is ALL REALLY helpful and interesting. Loriycs, I know just what you mean, you could be describing us except I can't get to the point you are getting to - but you have given me hope I can!!!TinkerBellesMum, yep, been there too. Last night for instance. Don't give up!
Was anyone's GP helpful BTW?

Havnt gone to GP but due a smear and keep putting it off. Will mention it when i do go though.

Sixmonthmum, it hasn't put stopped us totally as I'm three months pregnant! But it's not the same. He doesn't say anything but he avoids it now and I can't help but think it's because he hates to see me in pain and knows that it is a little harder for me.

Stopping breastfeeding helps. While breastfeeding, your natural lubrication is much less for some reason.

Since you had c-section, your problem has to be psychological and/or breastfeeding related dryness imho - obviously you don't have any scar tissue, botched episiotomy etc down there.

I went to gp and although nice about it not hugely constructive. Have since found lovely hot bath today with nice oils etc really relaxes me.

CoteDAzur, I'd never even given birth but I had scar tissue! All problems stemmed from Depo injection & lack of natural lubrication & skin elasticity, but that's another story. I'm no doctor, and the likelihood is that it is psychological, but I was just offering my experiences of incorrect vaginismus diagnosis. Worth getting it checked.

Hi Sixmonthmum, I had exactly the same thing. Emergency c-section and breastfeeding and sex being unbelievably painful. Had to stop all the time and hubby couldn't enter very far. Just wanted to say it does get easier and now ds is almost a year and our sex life is finally back to normal. Think breastfeeding affects your hormones and makes everything a bit dryer plus you probably feel a bit anxious. My advice is several glasses of wine and some lubrication and just take things really slowly. Eventually things will get back to normal. Haven't read all the posts so sorry if I'm repeating anything anyone else has said, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this! I used to get really upset by it but my dh was great about it, that just made me feel worse! Just give it more time and things will soon get back to normal.

Also, sorry if tmi but the first time my dh entered me fully hurt quite a bit but we kept going, just very slowly, then after that things seemed to ease up down there! Each time we had sex after that it got less and less painful until it didn't hurt at all. Now that sex isn't painful anymore I am much more up for it, probably more so now than dh!!