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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am upset with my friend...

29 replies

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:11

She shouted at my 2 year old. Really really shouted at her, probably more like screamed at her, for pushing a swing chair too hard with her son sitting on it (who as it seems was loving it).

So loudly that the entire garden stopped what they were doing, sudden silence. So loudly that my legs went to jelly.

I was so stunned/angry/overwhelmed I walked off. DD apparently went silent, face crestfallen and followed me. She came up to me, put her arms around my legs and sobbed.

DD told her that we do not speak to her like that.

She apologised.

I am still upset.

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PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:12

DH told her that we dont talk to her like that - not DD, DD cant talk so eloquantly yet. Or else she would have told her to fuck off. As I probably should have.

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posieflump · 28/07/2008 20:15

was it dangerously high?
maybe it was a knee jerk reaction
she probably feels mortified if your dh had a word with her, and she's apologised, i wonder what more can she do?

Madlentileater · 28/07/2008 20:15

you poor thing. That would upset me a lot. Is she a very good friend? Is she having a particularly bad time at present?
if not, I don't think I would bother with her again.

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:22

posie - it was quite high, but not dangerously so, and I was in the process of telling her to stop, was on my way over and DH was also there, as were several other people. She should have just moved DD away immediately and let us reprimand her.

She did feel mortified. But so she should. And she should not try to make me feel bad for her feeling bad by telling me how guilty she feels.

mad she has been a good friend and she has had a bad time recently yes, well, last few years, but how often can I make allowances for her? She is a good friend of the social circle iyswim, but she has become very self rightious lately, about parenting skills, about lots of things.

An hour before, she was telling me and DH how we need to instill discipline in her better, and its not about shouting its about tone of voice.

She did apologise, lots afterwards, I know she regrets it, but she lost control, and apologising is all well and good, but it can't change it.

I am trying to be understanding. But what actually happened it I felt so bad for DD, and I also felt bad that I did not say anything but walked away (for fear of saying something out of order) and did not defend my DD as I should have. So I feel bad about that too, which meant that as I told DD off for other things before bed, the usual things I would, get back into bed now that kind of thing, I felt awful and just wanted to cuddle my little girl and tell her I was sorry for not protecting her.

Oh I know I should not be upset, she did apologise, but it just shocked me to the core that someone would talk to another person's child like that, with parents present, like she forgot they were there

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PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:26

posie I was thinking about how high it was - it was as high as a 2 year and 3 week old girl can push a swing chair, in actual fact it was a wooden one, an adult one that fits three people on, sturdy solid wood with a 3 year old boy on it.
So not that high at all

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nervousal · 28/07/2008 20:27

think she was wrong to shoult at your chils - but sometimes when wethink our own children are being put in danger we do things we wouldn't normally do. I'm sure she shocked herself too.

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:32

nervousal maybe you are right. I know you are, but my LO is only 2!

But I guess her behaviour has been less than perfect recently and I am afraid this is a side of her personality coming out rather than a one off. Time will tell I guess.

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traceybath · 28/07/2008 20:35

How old was her son?

I'd have been very upset if i was you too. At least she apologised.

Also gives you good experience of how to handle a similar situation in the future.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 20:36

"An hour before, she was telling me and DH how we need to instill discipline in her better, and its not about shouting its about tone of voice."

Is she strict mum? Sounds like it could reflect a difference in parenting styles.

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:41

traceybath - her son is 3.

jimjam no she is not strict at all, she is not consistent and shouts at her own son quite a lot. Also this time last year, which would have been when her son was just over 2, he was struggling quite a lot with disciplining him and letting him run riot, so it is not like it is so far away that she cannot remember what a 2 year old is like (and to be fair DD does not run riot, and we do not shout at her, EVER, but when she is tired she becomes a bit boistrous, and she loves playing rough with older boys so gets carried away sometimes, and we deal with it it. Our way).

I would say so, about it reflecting different parenting styles, I have never found it necessary to shout like a harpy at my child, no matter what she does.

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TotalChaos · 28/07/2008 20:45

ah I interpret that differently jj - that by coming out with that sort of comment something is up in her life, so that she's trying to convince herself desperately she's supermum by wittering on about it to all and sundry- whereas if she really was supermum, she wouldn't have ended up screeching like that - or coming out with these comments.

If you can face it, I would be tempted to have a general chat to her about her stress levels etc.

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 20:49

((ok, so let me divulge another element to the story then.

She is a recovering alcoholic.

Who had been drinking elderflower drink, but filled her glass up from the kitchen, not the bottle of elderflower juice that her glass was beside in the garden which she poured from when we first arrived.))

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 21:03

Oh I'm not suggesting she was being reasonable or remotely fair in her comments (god I can't bear to be around the over strict/po-faced anyway- give me some lax parenting anyday ) I was just wondering whether there was some sort of underlying clash.

She sounds a bit unstable.

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 21:09

(jimjam - we did not get the yurt in cornwall, some other bastard one else booked it by the time they responded to my booking, it was the last week they had )

She is most likely unstable, she has been in a crisis state for a long time, but has spent a good while getting herself stable again, and now this greater than thou behaviour is getting on my nerves, when she then shouts at my own child in a way I would never consider. I should have probably known better than to be shocked.

But I was shocked. And my poor DD was quite scared. Seems fine today and I have fought my urge to overcompensate by being too spoiling, which I was tempted to, to make up for my own crap parenting by not protecting her properly.

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 21:11

oh about the yurt. Can you go next year?

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 21:16

yes, we will defintely be going next year. Am looking forward to it. I have big plans of reading my book in the bath looking at the stars, the beating DH at backgammon while DD snoozes on the bed! (we have a great morrocon, mother of pearl and wood backgammon set which will look great there!). Shame its not this year but I can wait!

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 21:19

You might want to take an extra powerful torch. Candlelight is hard to read by!

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 21:20

thanks for that, although I do eat my carrots

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 21:26

I had romantic ideas about lying around relaxing in the evening reading. Couldn't see a bloody thing.

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 21:30

Oh well, we will just have to have sex under the stars then. I don't need to see for that

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 21:31
jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/07/2008 21:31

(It's a bit prickly and there are deer outside )

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 21:32

They are not invited, not my bag .

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Blu · 28/07/2008 21:41

And she wasn't yelling in general panic that someone was about to get hurt? her ds, your dd (chidren sometimes do when a swing sw3ings back at them).

tbh I probably wouldn't let a 2 year-old poush another on a swing for that reason...

Just checking - you were there, so heard her impulse and tone....what did she say when she apologised?
It sounds alltogether v complicated and not an easy relationship in which to negotiate toddlers!

PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2008 21:48

blu I was in the process of going to get something to eat for DD so was walking away but turned to look at her giggling - I had started to tell DD to stop it, quite firmly but my friend started yelling immediately and I was so stunned, I turned back round and walked off, trying to calm down.

I am sure she was yelling in general panic, but I cant see how some-one was going to get hurt. It was not a child swing - it was a large heavy duty adult swing chair/bench which could not have tipped over unless she was bionic woman.

What did shey say when she apologised? Well, immediately, not sure as DH was there not me, but not much from the sounds of it until I came back with DD. She asked if DD was ok, as she looked frightened, she laughed nerviously and said she was sorry and she did not know what came over her, she said she forgot she was yelling at someone elses child not hers, apologised a bit more, explained that she just reacted without thinking. Then said a few more times how guilty she felt. Was I sure she was ok, the proceeded to push DD on said swing, to make up for it!

Before I took DD home.

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