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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever stop being bitter and jealous over my lack of relationship with Dad?

58 replies

Oxygen · 26/07/2008 20:39

My dad left us for another family when I was 11.

16 years on I should be over this, no?

But I am jealous. I am jealous of the bond my step sisters and their children have with my dad.

I know they have never known another father, it isn't their fault.

But seeing photos on facebook of "family outings" where they are all there, with my dad, and my children are rarely invited hurts so so much. Outings that I can't afford to take my babies on, but they get paid for.

Stepmum has on facebook that her activities/interests are "MY girls and their babies". It hurts. My babies may not be blood relations, but to have it written like that?

I know I should be a grown up. I know things will never change, they never have. I know people have much worse relationships with their parent/s than me.

But its not fair.

How come they get the father and grandfather that he is apparently capable of being, just not for us????

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 26/07/2008 21:10

I believe (from personal and professional experience) that if a parent rejects/abandons or is otherwise absent for you, then this is a massive thing in your life. (sorry am a bit lost for decent words tonight).

I think for many of us when we have our own dcs, we then parent in different ways. For those of us that have a fairly good relationship with our own dcs, this throws up some very challenging and disturbing issues/questions about what our parents were doing to us...

As my dds go through various "stages" I do have periods when I question what my dad/parents were thinking of when I was at that stage.

SCM I wanted to end my post in a similar way to how you did at 21.03, then thought that I was being soppy, but actually it was a lovely thing that you did (as long as no one types "hun" guess we are ok. )

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:10

Hmm, howabout turning that around and saying that he wasn't mature enough to stay and do hisfatherly duty? No fault on your part.

SilkCutMama · 26/07/2008 21:11

oxy - there is a lot of sense in that. Well done you for getting to that realisation

You do of course realise that as a statement of fact it is completely wrong and that YOU did not drive your Father away??? You could have been dipped in solid gold and he would not have stayed

This was not your fault

TracksuitLover · 26/07/2008 21:11

I'm sorry that I don't know any good advice for you but I wanted to say that I don't think you are being 'stupid' to not be 'over it', your post stabbed at my heart and I feel really sad for you. You suffered a loss and you are constantly reminded of it by seeing how it could have been with you and him when you see him with them. I can imagine feeling really jealous and resentful.

I hope you find a way to build on the relationship you do have with him and find ways of thinking about it that make you feel better. You are just as important in the world as his stepdaughters even he doesn't make you feel you are just as important to him.

Do you think he knows how you feel? Would you be able to talk about it to him?

Mhamai · 26/07/2008 21:12

No darling your father wasn't mature enough to take on the full resposibility of fatherhood, it is not never will be anything you did or didn't do. You've got to trust me on that one!

sophierosie · 26/07/2008 21:12

Definitely think about having some counselling or psychotherapy - I had v low self esteem and was constantly thinking dh would run off with someone else - also some self harm

I think it can really help you to understand why you are where you are now and how you can move on.

lizziemun · 26/07/2008 21:13

Can you take a step back from him and step family. Don't look at what he is doing on face book. I know it hard but you need to look after yourself and your dc and build a family life for yourselves. He is never going to be the dad you want.

From my experience my dad left my mum 16yrs ago after 25yrs of marriage. He moved in with his them girlfreind now wife who is the same age as my brother (she was born a week before my parents got married).

I saw him once a month for the first 6months then he just stopped returning my calls and letters so i left it. I done every thing to try and keep in contact with him as neither my brother ot sister wanted to see him.

He refused to come to my wedding even though my mum wrote to him asking him and his wife to come but he wouldn't. He didn't want to know went dd1 was born 4.6yrs ago.

Now last year/eighteen months he was diagnosed with a terminal illness now he wants contact and again we started seeing him every 2 weeks and he is building a relationship with dd's. But once again he has stopped answering my calls. So now i longer bother i can not keep letting him in for him to hurt me again.

And yes i will be heartbroken when he does die but i won't let him hurt me now.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/07/2008 21:14

Some of these are making me cry, especially ranting about "reclaiming" your life. For me it was a very long slow process...even now I need reassurance and confidence building from my dh.

I know that the scars are still there to some extent (e.g. if I upset or offend someone I become disproportionately upset). Conversely if I am praised/complimented I am disproportionately pleased. I think as time goes on you also become more self aware of these things and accept that this is part of your personality (that is how it is for me anyway)

Original poster

Oxygen · 26/07/2008 21:15

Yup, I know the logic of that is all wrong, it wasn't my fault he went. It wasn't anyone's fault.

I know from the way he was with me on my wedding day how much he loves me and he does regret the lack of relationship with me (this was pre-grandchildren issue).

OP posts:

Original poster

Oxygen · 26/07/2008 21:16

OPOL - that all sounds soooooooo familiar. I get anxiety attacks over having to say no to helping someone or if I upset them.

OP posts:

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:17

Hmmm, easy to play loving dad on awedding day with allwatching. It is the mundane day to day fathering that nonoe sees that matters.

Original poster

Oxygen · 26/07/2008 21:19

the wedding was more a case of one of the only times we had been alone in years

OP posts:

shreddies · 26/07/2008 21:19

Oh dear, this is making me feel sad too. It doesn't go away does it, but as my dad gets older and more vulnerable I'm able to feel more compassion for him.

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:20

Well, there you go. Speaks volumes. His bahavious and actions are totally unforgivable.

Original poster

Oxygen · 26/07/2008 21:22

DH has just come in to find me sobbing and wants me to go in with him, so I'm not ignoring you, i'm going for some rl hugs. (Sort of squeaked a bit and opened the photos to explain )

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 26/07/2008 21:22

moondog yes I was going to mention that about the wedding day too. My dad made it to our wedding and enjoyed family friends making a real "fuss" of him.

Oxygen I have conversations with my dh most evenings - "did I upset x?" "do you think she might have thought I was being abrupt?" "shall I ring her to check?" "maybe she doesn't like me anymore" etc etc.

Interestingly in my professional life I rarely experience this (unless I have been particularly chatty with a colleague). It's almost like I have perfected my "confident image" at work but at home there is still a bit of a scared little girl tbh.

Mhamai · 26/07/2008 21:23

My dad got to give my half sister away 4 years ago. I'm the baby of my family and am still single so I suppose even if I do get married down the road, that is one minor aspect. I do have a ds aged 7 and rather than dwelling on my father or his for that matter not being around, these days I concentrate on bring my ds up to be potentially the man neither my father or his could be.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/07/2008 21:24

Oxy have some lovely hugs off your dh.

I will check this thread again tomorrow and expect some of the other posters may well do so as well.

SilkCutMama · 26/07/2008 21:24

My Father has now been diagnosed with Lung Cancer and I went to see him a few weks ago. It was all fine, nicer than I expected to be honest. He gave me a book of poems that he'd written and in it was a poem about his 3 children

He has 4 - I am the 4th

I'm afraid, I don't feel sorry for him or have compassion for him as he is old and ill. I just think he has wasted my life not knowing me - I am amazing and a delight to be around

oxy- you can and will feel better about this. Don't tell me if you don't want to, but where in the World are you?

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:26

these days I concentrate on bring my ds up to be potentially the man neither my father or his could be.
Vgood Mhamai.

Oxy, hope you feelbetter tomorrow.

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:27

Silk, that isunbelievable. What anidiot.

shreddies · 26/07/2008 21:27

Oh, I don't really like my dad any more than I ever did, I just feel more sad about the whole thing than bitter now. Oxygen, have a good real life hug, it's shit isn't it.

ranting · 26/07/2008 21:27

Oh didn't mean to make you cry OPL but, I do feel, Oxygen that you are NOT responsible for his actions, you have to find a way to make sure that HIS actions don't taint your life.

You have your own family now, you need to find a way to improve your self image so that they benefit from a happy, self confident mum. And you deserve a good quality of life too.

SilkCutMama · 26/07/2008 21:28

oh, just saw that you've gone for hugs - quite right too

Hope to see you around soon

Have a calm and peaceful night

I don't care what any of you think I'm sending oxy a couple of kisses [stick out tongue emoticon]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx for oxy

onepieceoflollipop · 26/07/2008 21:28

SCM - my father was very ill a few years ago, had a heart attack and subsequently a by pass. I cried in the hospital (not in front of him) but I was crying more for the utter waste of our relationship and the crap he had put me through, rather than the thought he might die. He is still alive now btw. I have made my peace with the situation - not directly with him as he won't allow it. He is getting on in age, and sadly unless something miraculous occurs (personality transplant) he is likely to die a sad and lonely old man.

(mainly through his own choices to be fair)

I am sorry if that sounds harsh and awful, and I am sorry if that is insensitive or distresses you (or anyone else on the thread.)

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