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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My friend keeps reminding me of my DH's affair and I am deversated

60 replies

overdraft · 25/07/2008 11:57

My DH had an affair 3 years ago. We are still together and are now very happy. My husband had turned into the most loving man, who is so happy we are still together. He supports me and loves me and I am happy to say he is a muched improved man because of the experience.

Anyway, When it happened my world was blown apart. The pain will never completly go away and I have come to terms with it. I talked on Mumsnet lots at the time and it was heaven sent.

Everyone knew about the affair because the o.w husband choose to tell the world.They were are next door niegbours. We had lots of the same friends. I felt so ashamed and had to hold my head high, even though it wasn't my fault. This was so, so difficult. I lost my home. I had been through hell and back.

There was one friend who I lent on through the whole thing.She was there through it all and was so supportive. She helped me sell the house, pack boxes or just held me when I cried.

3 Years on I am feeling much stronger - most of the time. I have a job, study and my life is not consumed by the pain all the time.

The problem is now this friend uses every opertunity to bring it up. I mean everytime we meet, she will crack a joke or have a dig.

Last night she was very spiteful. She said oh let me come around and flirt with your Dh. Everyone else has had him. Then she said Oh I shouldn't have said that should I dear, dear. This was said in a really patronising way.

I came home and had a row with DH and cried and cried. I feel so low.

I don't know why I am even writing this t.b.h. Thanks for reading to the end.

I think I just need shoulder to cry on right now. I am so hurt and don't understand why she would do that to me.

Sorry for long post

OP posts:

memoo · 25/07/2008 12:29

She may have been your friend in the past but i don't think thats how she is behaving now.

You really need to tell her that being a friend means being supportive of your decision and not making snide comments about your husband. Tell her if she can't stop then you can't be her friend anymore

fawkeoff · 25/07/2008 12:30

she sounds like an utter TWAT BAG in all honesty......either cut her out of your life....or tell her you will not stand for her shit and punch her in the gob.

you made your decision and have moved on so she has no right to bring it up....ill punch her in the gob if u want

TinySocks · 25/07/2008 12:31

You really do NOT need to have a friend like that in your life. Someone that deliberately makes you feel down. What kind of friend is that?

My theory is that one needs to be surrounded by positive people that make us feel good about ourselves and make us better, not put us down.

I wouldn't even talk to her, just gently start distancing.

Original poster

overdraft · 25/07/2008 12:56

fawkeoff - thanks for that l.ol

Thanks everyone, I feel loads better. I think I will have to say something or move on from the friendship.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 25/07/2008 13:04

Agree with Lizzylou. Sounds like someone who needs to be needed. She was/ is probably resentful that you got back with dh.
Point this out to her, give her one last chance. Or else get rid.

TattooedGrrrl · 25/07/2008 13:14

she sounds very unpleasant- i wouldn't bother giving her a chance, just cut her out. She obviously doesn't respect you, or want you to be happy.

And good for you and your DH for sticking it out and being happy and strong- that's something to be really proud of. Get some nicer friends- who don't get a kick out of making you feel shitty.

bethoo · 25/07/2008 13:21

sounds liek she thrives in being a big part of other peoples lives yet her own is probably shit. needs to feel important and she no longer feels that with you. so now she is putting yo down to make herself feel good.

tibsy · 25/07/2008 13:26

what a cow. she sounds like a friend i had (we're not close anymore) who seemed to thrive when i was down/upset and coincidentally going through a rough patch with my partner. As soon as things got better between us, she became quite spiteful and looking back, jealous too.
Am very pleased that you and your dh have made a go of it. More power to you! Dont allow her make you feel like that again. You deserve more, you sound lovely!!!

Baffy · 25/07/2008 13:32

I think as she's been such a good friend to you, and if you do like her as a friend, then you need to give her the chance to stop this.

Tell her how it makes you feel and now that you've moved on you'd prefer that she NEVER mentions the affair again. Even in jest.

Give her the chance to listen and stop doing it.

Then if she does it ONE more time, you walk away.

It's worth a shot if she has been such a good friend.

SoupDragon · 25/07/2008 13:34

What Mumblechum said.

Original poster

overdraft · 25/07/2008 18:34

Thanks for all your support today. I can't belive that she dosen't care about me. I can't just walk away. At the same time I have no other choice but to say something. I have felt like crap all day and I can't allow her to make me feel that way.

I can't decide whether to write her a letter, ring her or do it face to face. I will though in the next couple of days.

OP posts:

Dior · 25/07/2008 18:40

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 25/07/2008 18:43

Does she know that you feel this way, or do you just laugh when she says these things? It's possible that she's trying to diffuse the tension? I think it's time you explained how it makes you feel... Good luck

docket · 25/07/2008 18:45

What a bitch. Perhaps she takes issue with you being less reliant on her. I'd tell her to shove it (more rudely!)

cluelessnchaos · 25/07/2008 19:59

I had a friend who just never got it and I had to spell out to her what was ok with me nad what was not, laughing at my expense was not. Maybe just that she is emotionally thick.

skidoodle · 25/07/2008 21:01

Why did she say that "everyone else" had had him?

If he only had one affair?

Heated · 25/07/2008 21:22

Sometimes a friend who has been deeply involved & been so empathetic to your woes, that out of love and loyalty to you, can continue to feel rage on your behalf when you have moved on - hence her jibes. You have let go but she hasn't.

But don't forget she has been privy to your darkest moments and heard your negative stories about your dh, but probably won't have been privy to the intimate moments between you & dh that have led him to turn into "the most loving man" - her view of him is probably still affected by what she went through with you.

I think you should say to her, "Thank you for your unwavering support when dh had the affair, but I have forgiven him and our marriage could now not be stronger. It hurts me when you say these things - I know you mean to be supportive - but please don't. Our marriage is good. I would like you to forgive him like I have."

Heated · 25/07/2008 21:23

think that should be "what you went through with her"...

Heated · 25/07/2008 21:24

marriage could not be stronger

I should really proofread

MsHighwater · 25/07/2008 21:28

"She is the type of person that likes helping people who are in trouble.". That comment interests me. Is she, perhaps, lacking a "project" atm?

Thomcat · 25/07/2008 21:33

Overdraft - she sounds like a fucked up witch with isssssoooos, bitter, lonely and needs to fill her empty loveless life. Drop her. She's no friend.
If for some reason I find impossible to think of you decide to keep her as a mate give her an ultimatium. Tell her to never ever mention the 'thing' again, never to make a dig, jibe, joke or reference of any kind, ever, ever gain. If she does tell her you will put your hand down her throat and pluck out her pubes, if she can't oblige she's free to fuck off.

ScottishMummy · 25/07/2008 21:34

maybe she is controlling and likes to keep you neeeding her/subervient grateful.maybe she has hump you have worke through and resolved your personal crisis

thing is she was useful and supportive at given time.fortunately you have repaired and salvaged your relationship.maybe she is cross/insecure at not being strong when she previously perceived you as weak

a true friend would move on with you and support you.this is transition for you

Hopeysgirlwasntbig · 25/07/2008 21:35

I think maybe she is a lesbian, and wants you all to herself!

But seriously, horrible for you, she doesn't sound like a very good friend at all, she should be supporting you in your current life, where you are happily married... alarm bells ringing here me thinks.

Remotew · 25/07/2008 21:42

I agree with the posters who ask if you really want her to stay as your friend. Only you can answer that. If you do then some straight talking never to mention the A again needs to be sorted. Maybe in her way she is still worried about you.

If you don't then its time to cut loose.

Hope it works out well for you. People do move on from friendships if they are not right but true friendships are hard to find and we all need to forgive each other once in while.

time4me · 25/07/2008 21:44

Was she drunk?Was she genuinely mortified?
If it was a one off mistake then give her a chance.If it is a pattern of subtle put downs then move on.

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