Difficult situation - sensitive and may offend some - advice needed

[hardplace]

My son's 19 year old girlfriend is pregnant (just). She is currently in hospital as her weight is way below normal and she is dehydrated through sickness.

She has no family, is scared, and can barely look after herself, never mind a baby, and I have little confidence in my son's ability to take responsibility. At the moment they are in a flat they struggle to pay the rent on, she is not working (dropped out of college earlier this year) and he has reasonably paid but very insecure casual work. They are both useless with money.

I'm willing to be proved wrong, but seriously think that they should consider termination as an option - neither are really happy about the pregnancy, which was not planned in any way.

Any suggestions as to how to handle this?

Of course you're beng sensitive or you wouldn't have posted.

Think I'd be the same as you and want to bring her home to a loving enironment. There is no easy answer to this.

Any pressure they feel you put on them (whether you are or not, perceived rather than actual) could make them dig their heels in.

You need to back off, leave them to make up their own minds, and support them in their decision.

It must be hard to watch them go through this, but, ultimately, they've got to make and learn from their own mistakes.

If they do decide to go ahead and have a baby, then, well, you can lay down your ground rules about how you will support them. Until then, there is nothing you can reasonably do.

Exacy hellymelly, if she is together enough to think "I am not having an abortion" then she needs support with that, not pressurising into getting rid of.

Hardplace I don't understand what you are implying, sorry. Are you saying that one or both of them DID plan the pregnancy?

I'm sorry if you thought I was suggesting you were evil or insensitive - that wasn't my intention at all.

It must be an awful situation for you all, and I hope things do work out. I've not been in your shoes, and hope to goodness I never will, but can only imagine that emotions are all over the place, and she's probably feeling very protective towards the baby, as most of us do from the minute we find out we're pregnant. Whether or not something good can come out of the situation remains to be seen, I suppose - I wish you all well.

I guess all you can do is lay on the line exactly what kind of practical help/support you can offer them when they are parents.

Perhaps as the girl has said she will not have abortion you can do the "gosh I'll have to take a step back and just be Granny popping in for the odd cup of coffee" something along that line?

I don't know how you make it clear that they need to rise to the challenge. I do feel for all of those involved.

What madamez said.

She's already made it clear to you she doesn't want an abortion.

So that's that matter sorted.

oh hard place what an awful situation for you and of course you feel concerns about this couples ability to cope particularly as this is your grandchild. however as someone who was pushed into a termination that she didnt want by very well meaning people who cared about me very deeply and looked after me a great deal at exactly the same age as her i can ask please dont try and "persuade" (and i know you would do this with the best intentions but it is effectively what you are asking us is the right thing to do) her to do this. I am now twenty six and having therapy for the pain and guilt i lived with for going through this. ultimately i was too young but i regretted it deeply, hated myself and my partner and his parents for years because i didnt feel like i had a choice to go it alone. I am now a single parent - in the end my need for a child almost overrode any sense and despite having one i caused myself a great deal of pain trying to have another. its only a great deal of work on myself to start to understand that a lot of this is caused by trying to prove to myself that i can be a good mum despite not being a perfect person and also trying to "erase" the guilt i feel by replacing the child i lost. Those people never ever meant to hurt me and god knows they certainly didnt intend this but i felt my decision was taken from me. abortion has huge consequences and in women in particular sometimes - like in my case - having a child can be the making of them. She is so young and right now painfully vulnerable. The suggestions of councelling are good but please please let her have the space to decide herself. sory for the very long response but this is something i feel very passionately about. She isnt a child - she is a young woman and thin and vulnerable or not - and i was the same btw - three hundred miles from my family and very ill - she still has the right to choose what she does without pressure externally. I know this may not be what you want to hear and like i said i totally understand where you are coming from but i have sat on her side as well. Try and arrange councelling but wait until she is well - if its that early she still has plenty of time to make a choice.

hardplace, I'd want to do exactly what you want to do so I completely understand your thinking.

Your problem here is that they are young. If they keep the baby they will make it alright in their minds because that's what people do. They may well be miserable and struggling and even failing but they will rationalise that.

If they take anyone's advice to terminate they might well come to resent you for even suggesting it. The romance of what might have been will be much stronger than the obvious fact that they would not have been able to cope yet so it wouldn't have been the romantic scenario they picture.

I really feel for you because I feel in these circs young people need much more positive cultural permission to have a termination - films like Juno are all fun and heartwarming but they subtly tell you that you can't have a termination.

I think your only option is to carry on as you describe, with the motherly hugs and the calm approach. If you need to make it clear for your own sake that you will not become a parent again for this child then you should do that when everyone is ready to think about it. At that point they can perhaps think about their actual options which might include adoption?

oh how difficult! My sympathy. Seeing her lying there must have been so hard for you and so frustrating. You sound like a very caring and sensitive mum.
There is no easy option is there? All you can do is carry on being there to listen, visit and be your son?s mum. I cannot imagine what you are going through - or both of them for that matter!
I have no advice to offer other than to try to continue being as gentle as possible with them both. Depending on your relationship with your son, one useful thing you could do is to put a list of helpful numbers together - such as youth services, counselling, housing etc. Another possible tack would be to give them something nice and simple/no hidden meanings like a bunch of flowers with a card. If you had time to carefully word a card it could be easier than talking and less likely to go wrong. Just something simple like "I see you both growing up into young adults and want to let you know that I am here for you to support not control or smother, help not judge. If you want to talk, please always know I am here for you both. Here are a few contact numbers you might also find helpful in the coming weeks.. "
Of course that depends on them and your relationship with them, just might be less volatile and less likely to be misconstrued than you asking either of them directly about the pregnancy.

Good Luck xx

The passage of time does, indeed, change many things, and even days from now things may seem very different. And yes, no wonder she is scared, and I am scared too - for all of us, including the unborn child. And yes, one of the things I'm scared about is being left holding the baby.

I have been a young mum and I know how much support I needed, and got, from my family. I also know it was damn hard work.

As for having faith - actually, right now I'm all out of it. I've been having faith for a long time now and the situation has got progressively worse. Maybe they'll rise to the occasion, I surely hope so.

good luck (all of you)

hardplace - I feel for you but everyone here is talking sense. You;ve got to let go. It's your son's life. it's her life. It's not yours. You've got to let them live their own lives, including making their own, incredibly important, decisions. I know it's easier said than done and must be incredibly hard when it's a decision of such magnitude. The only constructive thing you can do is help them contact skilled un-involved professionals. and be there for them. whatever they decide.

Lemontart, thats such a lovely message to put into a card for something like this.
Hardplace my thoughts are with you and your son and his partner - I hope she starts to put on weight soon for your grandbaby.
Love and luck to you all.
x

hardplace, i think that you need to sit down with your son and tell him quite clearly how much help you will be giving them if they have the baby. from your previous posts it sounds like he might still rely on you quite a bit and be thinking oh it will be ok, mum will help us look after baby/buy pram/pay the rent ect he needs to know that you are not going to be the one picking up the peices everytime things get too hard for them.

Nancy I think thats a really good point. Hardplace whilst i am fully in support of making their own decisions i also respect my own mothers view of "you chose to have your baby now you raise your baby" . You dont have to do everything - make it clear now how much support you are prepared to offer. If they want to be parents they have to learn to be parents and get off their bums to do the work!

Hardplace, your post is heartfelt clearly.

I do think it's important for you to be able to say at some point that you will stand by their decision and be loving and supportive but that you will not be doing the parenting. You need to be clear abou that. Then even if, as others have said, you become a doting grandmother, you will be doing it through your own choice rather than by default through lack of other parenting for this baby.

Not for now obviously. But for a few weeks when all are a bit calmer.

It would just be really sad if you ended up feeling used and abused as a result of this. Ultimately they must make their own decisions but you must be free to protect your own life (while wanting to do your best for them).

It's such a tough situation and in theory you should be able to have a say because it's clearly going to affect you hugely and you obviously fear it's going to change your life most of all if they don't step up. But of course in this situation you are like the man in a couple - you cannot tell your partner to have a termination. It has to come from her and if she doesn't want it, end of conversation.

sorry, we all posted the same thing at the same time.

Thanks to those who have offered advice with some sort of insight into what it might feel like to be a mother facing this situation. It has been an emotionally charged couple of days.

I have no intention of pressurising anyone in to anything, certainly not a decision as serious as a termination, but I do want to find gentle ways to encourage them to consider the reality of their situation and the consequences, whatever they eventually decide.

I also acknowledge that it's best for them to seek advice elsewhere and find other possible sources of support - in fact, I'd be mightily relieved if they did.

hardplace - can't imagine being the parent in this situation and I just hope to god I never am but I have been the terrified 19 year old. I knew very quickly that I wanted a termination as I was in no way capable at that point of raising a child. My mum and dad who aren't together were both on either ends of the scale as to what I should do but both shared their opinions with me. They both stressed however it was my choice and they would stand by me regardless.

It isn't the best of situations but by pushing what you think should happen, especially if she's already voiced not wanting a termination it could isolate them from the one support they have: you. Hard though cause you also want to make sure they realise the responsibility it will bring. If they do decide to have the baby, it's possible if she has issues looking after herself and no family support she could be referred to social services - its happened for less. Are you worried that you might have to end up taking care of the baby yourself?

In an ideal world I think you have to say to them that there are a variety of options open to them, give them details of a pregancy counsellor that they can talk through all these options with and then say to them the rest is up to them but you are there to support them. Then once they've made up their mind as to what they are going to do take it from there. Having said that, I know if it was me I'd want to say to them you will have to do this, I can't step in and do it for you so think about that before you go all romantic on it!!!

Are you close to your son, will he talk to you truthfully about how he feels about the whole thing once its settled in?

She has already rumbled that you might have it in mind to get her to thnk about termoination, so you can say nothing more at al, on that front.

And if you are right, that she has 'allowed' this 'accident' as a way of creating drama and trying to keep the relationship going, then she will view any encouragement fom you to terminate as you trying to push her away from your son...so will esist, resist, resist, even if she would, in many was, feel she might otherwise consider termination.

As to what you can best do, I'm not so sure. I agree with you about not supporting any fantasies, and whilst of course your son's gf deserves your compassion, I would go wasy on creating a cosy hapy family if you are not in a position - or minded - to be a long-term surrogate mum / landlady to a new grandchild. Be kind and suportive of them, but clear about the realistic future support you are able / willing to provide.

Good luck.

Agree with Nancy's post. I think it's important for you to spell out exactly what you will and will not be prepared to help them with, so that it doesn't become this lovely idea of a baby that Granny will look after whenever it suits them. It might also be worthwhile getting the hard finanical facts for them - what will they be entitled to and how much, what will they need, childcare costs etc, so they can work out a budget. Nothing is more unromantic than cold, hard figures on a spreadsheet.

paolosgirl, i was just about to suggest the same thing, when his girlfriend is feeling better, get them to go a budget, the romance soon fades when all your money is spent on nappies and you realise that you cant aford to go to the pub for the next 4 years (especially when you are 19!)

I echo nancy too. Whilst you can't push for what you should do, there's no harm in being honest from the getgo about what you are prepared to do. We've all said about not pushing people into things but there's a child's life post birth here that they are going to be responsible for and they need to appreciate that.

Have you been able to ask your son what he wants? And what he intends to do?